Lets welcome tonights guests. Hes sharp and sexy like a knife you want to sleep with. Actor, writer and comedian michael ian black, author. He loves trump. I didnt know that. Shes more lit than the olympic torch. Joanne there she is. U. S. Army special force member gary shepherd. Shes the angel of angst, kat. And like a shopping cart at walmart he leaves them rolling in the aisles. I missed you. First, so sweaty, recently donald trump went after three things you dont go after. Firefighters, gold star moms, babies. Its all part of this weeks episode of thats my trump ah. His first target, the fire marshal at a rally. Now because of your fire marshal, who i am not a fan of, hes probably a democrat, probably a guy that doesnt get it, im going to go into the other room and say hello to people that didnt get your location. Okay. So before that rally, trump was actually trapped in an elevator. You know who rescued him . The firefighters. By the way, thats a personal fantasy of mine except im dressed like a school girl. All right. Second target, mr. Khans wife after khans convention speech. If you look at his wife she was standing there, she had nothing to say. She probably maybe she wasnt allowed to have anything to say. You tell me. But plenty of people have written that. She was extremely quiet. Plenty of people have written that. So clearly its true. Now trump could have avoided that quicksand but instead dove right in holding an anvil. Thats probably his ego. In virginia, he encountered one of those crying things. The biggest in the world, the chinese bank. Dont worry about that baby. I love babies. I love babies. I hear that baby crying, i like him. I like him. What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Dont worry. Dont worry. Dont worry, im not going to eat it. Dont worry about your baby. If only it stopped there. Ripped us absolutely to shreds. Actually i was only kidding. You can get the baby out of here. Thats all right. Dont worry. I think she really believed me that i loved having a baby crying while the child was never seen again. Okay. Maybe thats evil but its also real and pretty hilarious. Heres what he said, however, after a vet offered trump his purple heart. He said thats my real purple heart. I have such confidence in you. I said man, thats like thats like big stuff. I always wanted to get the purple heart. This was much easier. Amazing. So is he nuts . Or just being honest . Or could it be a little bit of both like this guy. [ shouting ] i love him. Fact is, its an insane year and when everything is bonkers maybe crazy is what you need. I tell myself this. Still, this should be easier for donald. His greatest asset is hillary who is less popular than a tapeworm with herpes. And theres the cash for hostages story that could help the party currently out of power. Happened before. Instead, the media focuses on trump fibbing about seeing a video of the Money Transfer to iran. Hes making it so easy. So as hillary enjoys a strong postconvention bounce, trump is now saying the election is rigged. Is he sensing defeat . Its a shame because trump was right about babies. They need to grow up. Period im going to go to the expert. So we were talking in the green room and i have a couple theories about trump, about when i read what trump says, i go wow, hes crazy, then when i hear it, i go hes hilarious. So i go maybe its me. Its not him. Whats wrong with me . No, no. Its him. He is a raging [ bleep ]. Oh, there we go. Got a little bit of boos. I apologize. Let me rephrase. Hes a total and complete [ bleep ]. Thank you for softening the blow. I feel a lot better. Crazy [ bleep ]. You are a green beret. I want to talk to you about the purple heart comment. Is this having any effect . The New York Times says he may be alienating military voters. That is true . You can respond to michael ian blacks ruthless attack on donald trump. I thought he actually phrased it well. First of all, a baby knows when he needs to shut his yap and that kid knew do you have kids . No, i dont have kids. You ought to fly commercial a little more. That child knew it was getting in trumps way and i actually wouldnt be surprised if that baby was cashing checks from hillary clinton. Wow. As a plan. Because none of its donalds fault. You should try to get on the alex jones show. Regarding the military, i would like to think we are not idiots. I know a lot of guys, you would be surprised, hes insulted john mccain, he did this kind of thing and i still know a lot of guys actually, believe it or not, were not pro trump, we are just so antihillary. One more thing about the military. I get it. You cant justify any of the crap this guy says but i will say this. I have been overseas in a lot of capacities training and doing tours, and thats code for killing people. It was a sightseeing boat tour. I will tell you now that its much more dangerous for us out there because our standing in the world, whether or not you like it, a lot of the globe respects this and if they dont think this is coming, if they do the wrong thing, they get really nasty. I think there is a bit of a strong man thing in there. All right. Dan is quite the comedian. Dont be so unimpressed. As a comedian this is a setup. I want to ask you about trumps delivery. Isnt that whats saving him . Hes got a natural sense of timing . He has the ability to insult like an aunt that just says mean things at a family gettogether. He slides it in where hes like have some turkey, youre failing at school . Hes good at sneaking in stuff. Yeah, hes great. Hes also being accused of being what do you call it, an agent for russia because he wants to be friends with putin. To be fair, hes only being accused by of that by the head of the cia. So come on. What does that guy know . Seriously . Thinking about this, he wants to be friends with a strong man which is kind of interesting, because the strong mans like im the strong man, youre not. Youre saying he wants to be friends friends with putin. He just wants to ride shirtless in the mountains of russia together. I get it. Im just doing this for your russian accent. It terrifies me. They are terrifying people. I dont like that trump is trying to pony up to them. Then we just get a russian person in our house. Thats whats going to happen. Go to train, come back. I dont want to do this anymore. Terrifying. Thats all they wanted. Kat, you keep hearing these rumors of insiders wanting to thinking trumps going to back out. Hes never going to back out, is he . Seems to be having a very good time. Regardless of anything, theres something to be said for being able to speak in a way that no matter what you say, its going to be headlines and the only headlines. However, hes not really seeming to focus on whether or not he wants those things to be headlines. That would be a strength if he was using his skills to Say Something that will actually convince an actual voter. Hillarys the devil. Not going to convince anybody except for the water boy mom. Nobody thinks that way. Some things happened that week he could have used and talked about even if it was an incorrect way like the Fox News Sunday interview where she lied about lying. You dont have to rein it in so much as if are you going to go nuts, go nuts when it matters. Go off that, i think that donald is suffering from trump reflux. So he eats some Fried Chicken on his plane, the acid just starts coming up. Hes saying all these things. Blah, blah, blah. But instead he needs to change his diet and start feasting on Hillary Clintons record, then maybe the headlines will be will aid him a little better. Now, we just learned something on this show. We learned a metaphor. I want to talk about Clint Eastwood. He made some news. He said that he blasted the, i dont know if i can say the [ bleep ] generation but we will bleep it. He praises trump for speaking his mind. How can you disagree with dirty harry . Pale rider . Like this. You go mr. Eastwood, i disagree. I dont think it will get bleeped. I dont think its a [ bleep ] generation. I think its a generation of people saying i deserve the same respect that has been afforded [ bleep ]. I think you can both be right. But i dont think its incumbent on eastwood, who is an 80ishyearold very wealthy white dude to utterly dismiss the concerns of people who maybe dont have what he has. But you can conversely say im tired of hearing all these young people dismiss the concerns of people who won two wars or won one war, have been out there. Clint eastwood didnt win any wars. He is a patriot. Was he not in the military . We are all patriots. You are not a patriot, sir. You are not a patriot. I just did that. That was cheap. Im a patriot of whatever. Socialism, whatever. Im a patriot of whatever you want to say. All im trying to say, by the way, this will be our next topic in the next block about the fact that we cannot disagree on things because we refuse to see the mirror image of them. What you said about this generation not understanding this generation could exactly be reversed and we are never going to change. I think also, one of the reasons for trumps ascendance is that there are so many people who are constantly being beat over the head being called racist and privileged. I pay taxes, i fight for you guys. Trust me, trump, the crap he says and does is indefensible but i see why hes got support. I absolutely know what youre saying. Got to finish this up. Last word. The reason you have to separate out white people in this context is because the [ bleep ] generation that hes talking about is specifically minorities, gay people you think so . Theres a lot of white look at jerry springer. Absolutely. When you say for example i support black lives matter, what you are doing is setting up a dichotomy that exists purely in racial terms. Either you are for that or against it. I could quote many hosts. We have to leave it there. Save your thought, dan. For the next segment. We will continue talking like this forever. Because we have more delicious crud coming your way like this. Do politics and facebook mix . I wouldnt know. I stick purely to grindr. Its time to discover that in a lexus suv. Theres no such thing as adverse conditions. Come to the lexus golden opportunity sales event this is the pursuit of perfection. 80 try to eat healthy, yet up to 90 fall short in getting key nutrients from food alone. Lets do more. Add one a day mens gummies. Complete with key Nutrients Plus b vitamins to help convert food into fuel. One a day. What aremaking a cake ht now . Ayla reminds me of like a master chef and emiana reminds me of like a monster chef. Uh oh. I dont see cake, i just see mess. Its like awful. It feels like i am not actually cleaning it up whats that make mommy do . doorbell whats that . Swiffer wetjet. So much stuff coming up. This is amazing woah. Wow. Now i feel more like making a mess is part of growing up. Stop cleaning. Start swiffering. All right. Some people use the internet for good. They research their heritage or find intriguing places to visit on vacation or if youre like me, peruse web sites that sell suits with retractible latex trousers. Some people arent as noble. They come to the web to harass. According to a new survey, the most common form of Online Harassment is political in nature. This is new. Nearly a third of all internet using adults say they have been harassed online for expressing political opinions. Thats more than sexual, racial and religious harassment and almost double what people reported two years ago. The group that has it worst, people between ages 55 and 64. On the bright side, they deserve it. All right. I kid because im almost in that bracket. I know you had an interesting point to make. You probably forgot about it. It has a p word in it so i cant. What do you think, do you think this is because its an Election Year . Do you think its getting worse . Do you even do politics online . No. Why would you do that . I have never seen a political argument online which ends with hey, good point, im going to change my stand. Never seen that. What i have seen is people who arent friends with my uncle mark just jumping in on an argument, no, what are you doing, guys, no. Im watching my family fight my friends over nothing and are said nothing. It could be a waste of time. Unless its done constructively. You are on the internet a lot, being a millenial. I know that word. I get harassed for my political views, more recently for my between the eyes mole right here. Thanks. A lot of people, i released a statement apologizing to those on twitter who i hurt so deeply by forgetting to edit it out before posting the picture. So wrong of me. Now i put little emojis on it. I noticed that. Which has been fun for me. The kissy face. Little 100 . Little rainbow. You got to use it. You got to harness the hate. No matter what, if you are not the one sitting and harassing other people on the internet you automatically win. Know whats interesting . People dont change. Like could this be a benefit that its off the streets and online . You would rather have somebody calling you names from tucson rather than on broadway. Or just not do it. Not being called names at all. Thats not the option. Were human, you jerk. As somebody who constantly engages in political battles on twitter by the way, interruption, you do it for no reason at all. I will be writing something and you tweet at me like yeah, just like the gun violence of the last ten years. Im like what are you talking about . Because you annoy me so much. My question is, do you have a certain attire you wear for twitter battling . Camo pants . A robe. I get it. And tights. I was wrong, Clint Eastwood did serve in the military. He was a swimming instructor. Are you kidding me . He was not overseas. He was a california swim instructor. Thats good. People got to learn to swim. Absolutely. We had a problem with the sharks since then . We have been on top. Well, i have to get to you because you have the look of concern. Well, yes. This is an awful subject. Harassment. I take it very seriously. Of all the people who said they have been politically harassed online, how many have served it right back . Then its like a perpetual, a circle of harassment like the circle of life. This could actually be an opportunity because there are so Many Political masochists who love to be attacked like this and give it back. Why is there not a new social media platform specifically for political battles . Then no one will go there. Its more fun to pee in somebody elses pool. Gary knows this. You have seen a lot of pools. I think it actually has a lot to do with, listen, in the old days, because were old, if you spoke to someone the way i see people speaking to each other on the interweb, you would get punched. I will say look, lot of people get it far worse than i ever have or will, but since i have put out the trump book, available now, as soon as that was announced i started for the first time in my life getting tremendous amounts of antisemitic stuff. From the alt right. From the alt right movement. There seemed to be a lot of them. Constant images of holocaust victims, gas chambers. I watched it happen to my friends. I am convinced the alt right are five people that are tweeting 10,000 times a day because i cant believe these people exist. They do on the left and the right, we all have crazy people. Yeah. Too far either which way, youre nuts. Theyre not any side. Theyre just jerks. They call themselves alt right. I know they do. Thats a convenient thing. Control, alt, delete. It would be fun to meet one of them at a cocktail party, ask what do you do. Like i tweet a lot. For the alt right. All right. All right. Dont encourage bad puns. The pope says religion has nothing to do with isis. Isis says shut up, pope. Whos right, whos wrong . And who smells the best on our panel tonight . The answers next. After a long day, dave stops working, but his aleve doesnt. Because aleve can last 4 hours longer than tylenol 8 hour. What will you do with your aleve hours . Every day is a chance to dop, something great. And for the ones they love, theyd do anything. Sears optical has glasses made for doing. Right now, buy one pair and get another free. Quality eyewear for doers. Sears optical theyre calling the pope a dope. The latest edition of isis magazine, i love the recipes, includes an editorial entitled why we hate you and why we fight you. It takes aim at those who refuse to define the terror groups motivation as islamic, reading in part quote, the fact is even if you were to stop bombing us, imprisoning us, torturing us, vilifying us and usurping our land we would continue to hate you because our primary reason for hating you would not cease to embrace islam. Another section is devoted to pope francis, our latest pope, refuting these recent comments he made denying a connection between islam and violence. Listen. I dont think it is right to identify islam with violence. This is not just and it is not true. However, i do encourage the world to watch the greg gutfeld show saturday nights at 10 00 p. M. On fox news channel. Not a bad pope. Not a bad pope. All right. This is your, what would you say realm . This is your realm. Theres nothing funnier and sadder than a nonislamic telling an islamic that what they do is not islamic. By the way, they will still deny it even though these guys just got done telling you this is why we do this. In case anybody out there is antimuslim, unlike most people who are going to say that about me, as a Green Beret Medic i delivered their babies, pulled their teeth, i trained and shot bad guys next to muslim soldiers. I love muslims. They are people. I dont have a problem with muslims. I have a problem with islam and its incarnation thats coming after us. You have to just say they dont want they dont care who you are. The word islam means submission. It doesnt mean peace. There is peace when you submit. Its not hard. My motto on the weekends. I always say submit. Usually they do. Because its fun. Pretty powerful safe word. They are slamming pope francis who by the way, you cannot placate them. Heres pope francis saying its not the same thing and they still say that. Im sorry, i have a problem with the pope. Why me . Because you are the closest to me right now. This is the pope that kind of blames Charlie Hebdo when they when that attack took place. I think he cant connect religion to violence because its critical of religion in general. I think thats where hes coming from. Hes a social justice guy. He was raised in argentina and saw these corrupt governments that would screw their people over so for him, even as the holy father, and im catholic, i rep that. Someone has to be in charge of our church. He still goes into that victimized Grievance Group thing automatically. In my opinion. I usurped your lands right there. Sorry. I will let you usurp my lands. This is like the best [ bleep ]. They almost killed michael ian black, i saved him and carried him out on a horse. Now all i can do is make eye contact and go ah. This is going a direction i didnt expect. Im having a green beret having sexual fantasies. What are your thoughts . You seem quiet right now. I wrote all this in a fan fiction essay two weeks ago. Thats really where this stops. Who publishes it . Who is an editor . What about our jihad oped . You should see miss october. Well, you cant. Shes covered. I wish you could see miss october. Theres a lot of anger. I stepped on your joke. Thats the real problem. I think we discussed this before. Like who is publishing this magazine . This is the same with inspire, the al qaeda magazine. Theres an al qaeda magazine . Yes, there is. Where have you been . Theres a lot going on in the world. I can understand sex is with goats. Unbelievable. Oh, by the way, now theyre offended. They cut heads off and now theyre offended. I think that people think that if we just pretend its not happening, its not happening. Its kind of like when George Costanza quits and says if he goes back, its like he didnt quit or he avoids allison, she never broke up with him, but then kraemer has to go in there and break up for him. We need kraemer to go in. Im not just saying that because im sexually attracted to kraemer which i am. Not michael richards, kraemer. Its very different. Michael richards has a problem. Very true. Just because youre ignoring it doesnt mean its not true. What do you think were ignoring . The connection, saying radical islamism. Theres muslims and theres radical islamic terror. Obviously on the other side theres people who have a problem with all muslims which is a huge problem. Islamophobia is a thing but the other side saying this has nothing to do with religion, not saying the muslim religion but radical islamist religion is crazy. You got to say what it is. Islamophobia. If you keep getting attacked by German Shepherds its okay if you take a second look at a German Shepherd when you walk by a house. Why do you have to bring up race . Its biology. Its the description of the suspect. I think, way to go, greg. I think that this is the one form of propaganda that we can actually end. With online all of these chat rooms and all of these things its so much harder to find and weed out. How is it there are actual pieces of paper that are being published . I dont know. I think its online. I think we keep it there to find out information. Its an incubator of ideas and we can say wheres it coming from and just kill them without telling them. I hear music. I was going to say, thats how decimated print journalism is. Still to come, finally the real news of the week. The remake of splash with Channing Tatum as the mermaid. See me. See me. Dont stare at me. See me. See me. See me to know that psoriasis is just something that i have. Im not contagious. See me to know that. I wont stop until i find what works. Discover cosentyx, a different kind of medicine for moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. Proven to help the majority of people find clear or almost clear skin. 8 out of 10 people saw 75 skin clearance at 3 months. While the majority saw 90 clearance. 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Thats a little local Morning Television writing for you. I wanted to try a really bad lead. My actor and tandem bicycle partner Channing Tatum will play a merman in a remake of splash. In the original, tom hanks fell in love with a mermaid played by darryl hannah. In the new version, darryl will now be played by Channing Tatum and tom hanks will reprise the same role. No, im kidding. America is not ready for that. Jillian bell is playing that role. This gender flip got me wondering about what other movies should be remade with casting alterations. Hence the fake movies like a giraffe could be cast as the new jaws. With a neck that long no one is safe. Even if you run upstairs he could still come after you. Or perhaps a reboot of bladerunner with a ferret replacing harrison ford. Put a ferret in any movie it gets better. Or finally, just release american beauty with Paul Giammatti as a plastic bag. Hes that good. Who wants to go first . Start at this end. Talk about splash with Channing Tatum. This is the most intense i have ever seen you. Well, the last great merman movie was the incredible mr. Limpid with don knotts. Its troubling, because you can think its a fish. If you hook up with it, what is it . That was my question. How do they . Well, there are other things. How do you feel about this development . What about this, three men and a baby, do the gender swap where theres three women and a baby and they cant figure out whose baby it is. Yes. Thats strange. It would require a lot of gender swap all movies, i think. Really . I will not rest until happy gilm gilmore is played by a woman. I had this idea earlier they should remake Million Dollar baby with ae it Sylvester Stallone so its a boxing movie with sylvester stallo stallone. You could do six of them and it would be the six Million Dollar man. Thats pretty good. What do you think . Youre a big Channing Tatum fan, arent you . I am. Hes hot. That bell girl is funny. Its a recipe for success. I do like how we are switching it because usually it has to be the girl thats sexy and the guy thats funny. So you know, Channing Tatum doesnt even have to talk. It will still be a success. I find him funny. He was good in that movie about where they kidnapped that guy. Yeah. Did you just make something up . Whos the dude that made the transformer movie . Michael bey. I dont remember the name of it. You really are making this up. No. Its him and some other dude. Oh, whats his name who was in boogie nights. Mark wahlberg. Pay no game . Painting game. Why am i going here . Dont know. I dont know either. I think i just ate up enough time in this segment. If you havent seen the incredible have you seen that . First movie about identity politics where a man decides he could be a fish and becomes a fish. Do they accept him . Yes. He gets a fish girlfriend. I see your point. I learn something new every day from you. None of it is particularly useful. But i learn. 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From the bottom of the mat, to the couch where you at . Show me the latest medal count . Xfinitys where its at. Welcome to it all. Comcast nbcuniversal is proud to bring you coverage of the rio olympic games. Ive got some good news and bad news. Im now squatting over 375. Yeah. Pretty good, huh . The bad, our talented joanne who has been with us since our First Episode of the show, is leaving the show. I can only assume its to pursue drinking fulltime which i commend her for. Of course, she will be missed because she made lots of fun videos along the way which meant less work for me. Roll montage. Audition, take one. Wheres the couch . These are getting sillier. Private emails. Is this you again . Hi, ladies. Have a great show. Stop clearly the millenials are down on cereal. I kidnapped i mean caught up with some cereal experts. How many kids do you have . Ten boys. Stop it. Do you have pictures . Of course. What kind of father would i be . Rnl rnl you would be an awful father. Oh, my god. So you wanted kids . Yeah. Here we have another man bun. I want to let you know this is a safe space and i want to help you help yourself. Are you aware of the problem that you have . I think i am. Join the brave feminist movement and remove all of our makeup here today. Hey, can i talk to you for a second . Wow. Rejection hurts. No man has ever told me to go into the kitchen and make him a hot dog. Have a nice day. What did he just say to me . Did you just tell me to have a nice [ bleep ] day . Thats [ bleep ]. You want to tell me how to have a nice day, how to live my life, you with your white privilege, you would never understand what its like to be me in this world and having a very nice day. Oh, no. You and your barber shopping. You probably pay your taxes on time. Jo, what are you going to be doing next . Yes. I will be pursuing my dreams of becoming an organic chemist. Im really excited for that. I will be pursuing acting. A lot of people know if you have been following me over the past two and a half years a lot of people have been following you. Lou dobbs. Thank you, police. Yeah, no, i have a background in theater and i love to perform, and thankfully on this show i did get to do a bit of that although i was really mailing it in on all of those sketches. My acting chops are much better than that. My background in theater is always next to the word other on a resume for a waiter. That was mean. That was mean. It was mean. You know what, you are talented and you will go far or four or wherever. Kat, you worked with her. Going to miss her . Do you care . Ill miss her very much. I am sad. I have tapes of some of my favorite moments with her. Tired of getting screwed by the establishment . Call johnson and im sorry. Who runs the world . Girls. Who runs the world . Girls. Who runs the world . Girls. Okay. Let me do it again. Tired of getting screwed by the establishment . Then call johnson im so sorry. Well, very nice. Well, we are going to miss you. When you get big and famous, not that youre not big and famous already, by big i dont mean size wise. You are still relatively skinny. For your age. But i would look into some programs just in case, fitness or some kind of oh, my god. Im kidding, for gods sakes. Final thoughts. We will miss you. Thank you. Stick around. He is more despicable than even you know. Best of luck to you, colonel. And to you, general hamilton. Its a golden opportunity to experience breathtaking lexus performance in streetlegal form. For a limited time get great offers on our complete line of f sport performance vehicles. At the lexus golden opportunity sales event. But you may experience common discomforts. Introducing trunatal from one a day. Trunatal is a new line of products designed to address discomforts with nausea relief and regularity support. Add trunatal from one a day for relief and support you can trust. Man, my feet same time tomorrow, fellas . 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How am i going to follow that. I like laguardia better than jfk. Its closer to me. Talking about the airports, not the leaders. Talking about the leaders. Jo . Peace out. Been real. Thanks. Terry . I have been lucky, i did the pilot that no one saw because it was probably awful because i was in it. I met jo before that in redeye and i want to say, theres plenty of girls out there that are smart and funny and goodlooking but you have always been very nice to me and very kind. I really appreciate that. Yeah, you dont have to thank me for your freedom. You deserve it. You know that that is something you have used many times. Just made it up on the cuff like that. No, no, no. Im going to use that. Before i get arrested for whatever thats called, deception of valor. Kat . I dont want to brag, but i got a cold earlier this week and i have turned it into a sinus infection all by myself. Wow. Hows your mole taking it . My moles been the same. Usually my whole life. We have grown together. Thats beautiful. Your mole also talks with a sinus infection. All right. I guess thats enough of the mole. All right. We got to go. Thank you. Clap goodbye, joanne. Goodbye. Im greg gutfeld. Welcome to red eye. Hello, everyone. I am tom shillue. Lets check in with andy levy. Thanks, tom. Coming up on the big show, which is the more Tolerant Party . The republicans or the democrats . The answer to that confirms toms world view next. Is this art exhibit a progun . Finally we say fairwell and goodbye to a member of the red eye family. I think i speak for all of us when i say why couldnt it have been tom . All of you . Thank you, andy. Lets welcome our guests. Shes created more than the