All right. Lets welcome tonights guest. Hes a musical genius behind some of the greatest pop songs. We have musician and composer, Stewart Copeland of the police. Come on. Hes so sharp. His very thoughts give you paper cuts. He has a podcast called the fifth column. Shes like a marine scout, always buzzed. Hes slit more thighs than a butcher on meth. You can see him on mtv2 guy code. Her glasses are always half empty. Shes miserable. We all got crammed in here. I got to do my monologue. Youre better than sting. When candidates act human, theyre like pets walking on hind legs. They can pull it off for five seconds and then they collapse. In the end its a bad idea. Hillary couldnt master a subway turnstile. That was the opposite of a droid. John kasich ate pizza with utensils. Thats like eating soup with a chain saw. This week he tried to make amends by eating everything. A sandwich, two plates of spaghet spaghetti, wine, a small orphan child. He even tried to speak italian. All right. Then there was ted cruz. Next week, maybe hell hand slaughter a chicken in accordance with islamic dietary law. Little known candidate Tommy Johnson couldnt write ride a skateboard. Thats not the temperament for my president. John kerry ordered a cheese steak and ordered the wrong cheese. He threw a baseball like a roofied raggedy ann. Ive seen better arms on a squid. Ive come up with some tips when asked to do something normal. First, never do something normal. I cant make pizza so it was embarrassing when fox and friends asked me to make one. I had a bad night. It tastes delicious. Number two, only do something youve really good at. You cant throw a baseball, thats okay. You could be like me, massage a cat. Its not like a regular thing between us. Number three, take your time. Never be in a hurry. Slow down, buddy. Summer will be here soon. The fact is politicians have hard time doing normal things because they arent normal. They claim to be of the people but theyre about as human as this. Got to love donald. Its our fault. Do to overscrutiny and jaded cruelty, weve them into something not human. This is why i will never run for office. Not only am i real but i lack the skills that one can put on display. Except for this one. This is me tending to my farm of chickens and goats. If that were a qualification for president , i would be a shoo in. Those candidates never do these things right. Why do we continue to force them to act like humans. I dont get it. They are pretending to be humans so they can represent humans. Who wants that job. My job, youre not supposed to be human. Show me that pizza, ill show you an artistic concept for eating it all wrong. Youre exempt from common sense. Absolutely. Artists live apart from the rest of the world. We live on a Mount Olympus where the air is fresher and the champagne has more fizz. Theres champagne up there . Its actually beer. Andrew, you use the subway as a a latrine and for bed. I have no idea what a latrine is. Its old bathroom. Is it her fault when she slid it through. That happens to everybody. No it doesnt. Im a native new yorker and im a one swipe man. I swipe it. Im in. If it doesnt go in, i leave. I didnt earn the subway that day. Is this why youre for sanders . I would say im for sanders because, let me think of something funny right now. No good reason. No good reason. Im for sanders because everybody is afraid of sanders. Nobody is afraid of trump. Are you really afraid of trump . I mean. First of all, he would never be able to swipe a metro card. Uber. We would buy the metro and blow it up. Ride on top of it. Make it the trump metro and say its fabulous. Then there would be a fourth corporate bankruptcy. Not his. We have some interesting choices. What do you make of this current malai malaise . I dont know. Why arent they better prepared. Why dont they know this is going to happen. You know theyre going to ask you about the train or going to the grocery store, the price of milk. Theyre not like us. The clintons are about as close to royalty as we get in this country. I dont know if theyre inbred but feeble. They dont know how to do normal things because theyre not like us. The only person who could do things, a guy that could operate on the brains of babies we had to laugh out of campaign. Ben carson knew how to do stuff. Politically inept. Maybe we should have that as a qualification. No. My qualifications are how many bowls of pasta do you eat. Im now all about kasich. I could not turn away. We dont want to watch normal. I dont watch lebron because im like i could do that. Maybe they should do exceptional stuff. Hop over the turnstile. If she hopped over in that pantsuit shes wearing without busting a seam. Shouldnt they create a sound stage for politician where is they can practice these things and have a subway turnstile. A place to buy milk. Hillary did have that opportunity. Its my turn. Where is she . Shes over there. I spend so much time alone. When im at work im alone. I want someone to listen to my opinion about hillary on the subway. They should practice. Didnt it take two weeks for campaign prepare for two weeks. It didnt get the use the card part. What were they doing for two weeks . Was she practicing her facial expressions or like of the people facial expressions. They should. I do have some sympathy. Its got to be hard. Everyone expects you to be in good shape but you also have to eat all the local dairy. Thats hard. Thats true. You gain a lot of weight or purge afterward, which is what i do. Can we talk about ted cruz. Was that you really massaging the cat because you have a great chest. Thank you very much. I work out every day. The cat too. I bench press the cat in this order. Ted cruz still defending his new new york values comments. Here is the texas senator speaking to my squash partner bill oreilly. I think people knew who new york values means. Those are the values of liberal democratic politician who is have been hammering this state. Ive been campaigning across new york. People are stopping me every day and say i know exactly what you meant. Im fed up with what the liberal democrats are doing to us, the people of new york. Theyre the ones suffering for it. Donald trump has been funding it year after year. Why does cruz care . The homeless flasher on my block has a better chance of winning new york than he does. Thats keith oberman. He knows hes going to lose. Isnt it amazing weve gotten to this place where ted cruz is the sane one. Were thinking hopefully ted cruz. A lot of people, lindsey graham, out of nowhere, hes like not insane. This is a strange time for everybody. We shifted the goal post to use a sporting met fore. I think hes right. New york values a different. Were different. Until i left new york, i didnt know there were animals. I promise you. I thought it went rat, pigeon, zoo. I went to long island and i saw a deer. I like alerted people. Theres an animal out there. He should be on a cabin wall. Its frighten. Youve seen deer before but never with four legs on it. This thing is mobile. What kills me is theres people in the media that are more upset about what cruz said about new york than certain women or john mccain. For offensive. This is where they live. I call this place home for almost five years now. I sort of take offense at it as well. Only a little bit. I dont know why ted cruz wife who has worked for a new york based Investment Banking firm didnt take issue as well. Maybe she does. Perhaps thats who hes talking about. Im not sure. As soon as he comes off the stage, honey. Whyd you have to do that. Cat, do you sill see cruz as youll never vote for him or hes looking better and better. I wont vote for him, but hes looking great. Hes looking better and better every time i see him. Thats true. Thats important. What about you, joe. Thoughts on cruz. Thoughts on trump. Thoughts on anything. As a new yorker, i dont forgive and i dont forget. Ted cruz is out. Cruz is screwed. I love the fact that kasich is beating cruz in new york. That brings me such joy because i think it brings kasich joy. He will probably celebrate with more pasta. The thing that makes trump good, what makes him bad. His unfavorables with women are frighten. He is less popular among women than their best friends boyfriend. All kinds of high class women. Journalists and editorial writers who have met him socially, they all say, gail collins, they all say what a great guy he is. When hes with women hes very charming. He calls all the women honey. Go. Thats a really good point. Trump is actually pretty charming. Its the people he surrounds himself with. Going back to the roy cohn day, he hires vicious people. People that will do his dirty work. I think thats whats scary. What would this person do if he had more power . Does anyone have a theory of his hair . Is it like parted here and goes there. Which direction is that going. If we can have somebody figure out his hair, then lets work on his foreign policy. I got you, lasagna. You push the fork and the bottom piece is on the top. Then you get a piece of hair. Kasich ate his hair. We got to move. Next, a story so powerful, it could bench press your face. Look at that. So you say men are superior drivers . Yeah . Then howd i get this. [ voice of dennis ]. Safe driving bonus check . Every six months without an accident, allstate sends a check. Silence. Are you in good hands . Could hillary be undone over area 51. Her campaign is going for aliens, and not the ones from mexico. The remote military facility ib. They talked to jake tapper and how a president clinton could ask for important declassified information. When what i talked to the secretary about and what she said, shell ask for as many records as the United States has. I think thats commitment she intends to keep and i intend to hold her to. American people can handle the truth. Do a thorough search. What is the truth . Is there evidence of alien life . Thats for the public to judge once theyve seen all the evidence. What do you think, personally . What i this . I think theres a lot of planets out there. Doesnt seem odd at all. Donald trump said he would build a wall and make them pay for it. With hillary its classic bait and switch. Theyre after her emails. Then look, its aliens. Its a deflection. We have seen her emails. Shes been subpoenaed for 20 years. They have been up against the senate. If youre a friend or society of the clintons, you need to lawyer up. The emails between me and her got pretty hot. We think of being intelligent life on other planets if they havent contacted us. Could it be they dont like us. I dont like us. I dont care if theyre aliens or not. Is that okay . Yeah. Theres already so many people in this world that i dont care about. How am i supposed to care about aliens now . Maybe theyre there. Maybe not. They should talk to us first or else we give up our power. Like you ignore someones text message for three minutes to establish power. Maybe its six seconds so theyre not ignoring us. Theyre spending too much time thinking about someone who is not thinking about you. I think its micro aggression. Do not make someone a priority when youre merely an option. I never thought about that before. We eat cattle. We eat fish. We eat plants. Who do they have in common . Theyre earthlings. Lets say we meet them. Theyre adorable and highly intelligent but look like delicious cinnabons. I think you would have to take a bite out of them. Hillary clintons husband would have loved to keep one particular secret. He had an intern who he really, really liked a lot. He could not keep that secret. We cant keep secrets . I cant. We wont know if its true. Why would you trust Hillary Clinton to declassify this stuff . What makes her a truthful person. I think that everyone, theres something to gain. The government knows something. They do. Maybe they know Climate Change isnt real and the aliens are proof. Theres so many options. Like a guy that starts talking crazy. Its very frightening. Its weird. Is it. You think hes weird. I think hes weird. Do you think hes weird . I think hes weird. Why do you think hes weird, mr. Dressing in johnny cashs leftovers . I think hes weird because his face is longer than his neck. Like hes got a very your face is longer than your neck. Im a weird person. True. Thats your job. You dont want to give me any information. The alien thing, i want to know why do aliens only come to america and why do they only go to the places in america that none of us want to go. In big cities you cant see them because of the light. They can travel beyond the speed of light but they dont have light bright enough for us to see them. Aliens dont stand out in a crowd. Imagine youre going to travel millions of light years to go somewhere, wouldnt you do research as to which city had the good parties. I wouldnt go to montana. Nevada. Aliens need a travel service. Its too much time. Im not going to prague. Thats too far. All right. Weve gone too far. Still to come, a sixhour segment on star fish. I hope you brought water studio audience because the doors are locked and theres no escape. Locked and theres no escape. Bill clinton blows his top on a singing alougetting to know locked and theres no escape. Bill clinton blows his top on a you. Getting to know all about you. Getting to like you. Getting to hope you like me. Is someone getting to know your credit . Not without your say so. Credit lock lets you lock and unlock your transunion Credit Report with the swipe of a finger. Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you. Get onetouch credit lock, plus your score and report at transunion. Com. Get in the know. This is your daughter. And she just got this. Ooh boy. But, youve got hum. So you can set this. And if she drives like this, you can tell her to drive more like this. Because youll get this. You can even set boundaries for her. So if she should be here, but instead goes here, here, or here. Youll know. So dont worry, mom. Because you put this, in here. Hum by verizon. The technology designed to make your car smarter, safer and more connected. Put some smarts in your car. Welcome back. Kasich is still eating. Good for him, i say. All right. Its what bill clinton does best, unloading on people. On thursday he unloaded on some black lives matter protesters at a Campaign Event in philadelphia. See, they heckled clinton for a 1994 bill he signed into law that increased sentences for gang related sentences. One protester yelled black youth are not souper predators. A reference hillary made. Bill fired back. I dont know how you would characterize the gang leaders who have 13yearold kids hopped up on crack and sent them out onto the street to murder other africanamerican children. Maybe you thought they were good citizens, she didnt. She didnt. You are defending the people who killed the lives you say matter. Tell the truth. It wasnt the only highlight of the night. Earlier in the event clinton took a sly shot at president s handling of world affairs. Unlike when i became president , a lot of things are coming apart around the world now. Wed like to think about our economic issues, but you have to think about a collapse in europe dragging back the american economy. You have to worry about the largest number of refugees since world war ii. All this stuff comes home. Afterwards, mr. Clinton took his mind off political matters by having sex with carburator. The crime bill was a failure and mistake. I disagree. The black lives matter kids are making stuff up when hillary said they are super predators. She said people who are perpetrating crime have super predators. The only racists are them for presuming she was talking about black people. I believe the antiviolent act did contribute to reducing homicide rates by stricter sentencing laws. You had to serve 85 of your sentence. They put out 100,000 new cops. Whats wrong with that . Stepping up the drug war because of the cycle of violence. I think that particular legislation was a response to the crack epidemic, which wasnt a real thing. I agree with you on that. That was a real thing. Crack was a real thing. Trust me. I dont remember 91 to 93. This whole thing is about the Police Relationship with minoritie minorities. Im watching this and i think wait a minute, ive never seen that. For 20 years i could not get a driving ticket. I get pulled over and doing 90 miles an hour, they go, i cant give you a ticket. That went on for a long time. Im in a band called the police. Theyre not going to arrest me. My interaction with cops have been really great. I got my first ticket. He gave me a ticket. How dare he. Thats racist. If i start a band, im going to call it the hookers. Oh, boy. Thought, prayers . On what . Anything you want. Bill clinton is a jedi. A lot of protesters. They have been dealing with storm troopers. This man just took the live saver out and lit them up. He kind of apologized the next day like he felt bad. What did you make of his performance overall on stage . I find that clinton i sympathize with them when theyre approached by black lives matter protesters. They really want to listen and help. They hardly get to speak. In the whole transcript of his speech, he could hardly get words out. Hes like youre going keep talking and not listen know. Its not a conversation. Its not a dialogue. Its just angry people yelling. I think the clintons really do want to listen. Let me get cat in. Youve had your time disrespecting america. Cat, youre the expert here. People say the language wasnt sensitive. Was it . I guess, but who cares if it was insensitive or not. He sounded sick. Anyone else notice he sounded very, very sick. He sounded tired. He sounded tired. I feel like the crime bill is bad. They were very prison happy in the 90s. Its very, very hypocrite of hillary to say theres too many people in the prisons. Yeah, you helped put them there. I understand their points. You know who put them in prisons. Black Community Leaders who wanted that bill. Thats what im saying. Call them at home. Roger stone would want you to do that. Call them at what . I dont know what im saying. People shouldnt be sent to prison for doing drugs. I agree. Ive never been arrested. Ive never had that experience. Im like too old for it to be cute. Dont know what that means. Well take a break. They decide who to vote for in the new york primary. Its fake game show that wont be just anything. Stick around. Heres the star of the show and your host. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome once again to the endorsement game. Its time to meet our first three eligible candidates for this weeks registered voter. Candidate number one comes from ohio. Thats pretty much all we know about him. Were pretty sure he has a background in karate. Its the man everyone is surprised the still here, john kasich. Candidate number two, hes famous for his impersonations for movies no one cares about. Hes never been water skiing, skydiving or snorkeling. Its ted cruz. Hes the biggest, smartest, richest, handsome and humble. Its donald trump. Time to meet our registered voter. Meet kathryn. How are you feeling . Great. Very, very excited. Go ahead and ask any questions except name, age, hand size, shoe size and policy plan. Good luck. All right. Lets see here. Candidate number one, i get overwhelmed easily especially when i have too many choices in front of me. Why should i pick you . Look, thats like saying what if a spaceman lands tonight. Its not going to happen. Dude, how do you know im not going to pick you . Love yourself. Candidate number two, like most millenials im on the internet all day whether at work or on my phone. Whats your favorite website . Tedcruz. Org. Its Grass Roots Movement with over 200,000 volunteers. This isnt about you plugging your website candidate number two. Youre not supposed to identify yourself. Cat cant see you. Moving on. Go ahead. Sure. All right. Candidate number three, i recently let a guy take me on date to see batman versus superman and i hated it. He loved it. Was batman versus superman a good movie in. It was massive, massive, horrible mistake. Im glad we agree on that one. Back to candidate number one. I love baseball and i also love to gamble. As president would you lift baseballs ban on pete rose. Pete rose. Come on. I guess thats a no. Moving on then. Candidate number two. I live in new york city where theres so much stuff to do that it can seem overwhelming. Where would we go on our first date . Tedcruz. Org. Again with the website. Youre ruining this. This is why no one in the bronx likes you. Cat, im sorry. Please continue. Okay. Candidate number three, im afraid of a lot of thing, snake, spider, commitment. What is your biggest fear . China and vietnam, japan, india and mexico. Thats a lot of countries to be afraid of. That sound means its time for you to make up your mind. Who will win your endorsement . We have candidate number one, number two and number three. Like i have to pick one in. Yeah. Youre sure . Thats the point of the game. Theres no one else for me to choose from . No, just these three. They were selected from a large pool of options. Really, wow. Wow, weve run out of time today. Join us tomorrow to see which candidate gets cats endorsement. Stay tuned. When it comes to Small Business, shes in the know. So strap yourselves in for action flo Small Business edition. Oh, no im up to my neck in operating costs ill save the day for plumbers and bakers and scapers of lawn, shes got customized coverage you can count on. You chipped my birdbath now youre gonna pay not so fast i cover more than just cars and trucks. Action flo did somebody say insurance . Children flo action flo cut can i get a smoothie, please . Ooh they got smoothies . For me. This this very divided country where the disagreemens s have turned vicious, you are to ask yourself, what is it going to take to unify the country . My friend, the answer came yesterday when over 8,000 people came together in peace and harmony for a full 45 minutes to witness this. [ cheers and applause ] wow. Innocent watermelon and that is all it takes. Everybody loves an exploding watermelon, and gallagher, i hope that you are listen, because you started it. This is interesting, stewart, have you thought of adding exploding watermelons to the symphonies . Well, no, they dont explode far and they are much more useful for the sound effects, and like in the movies when you have the cudeon going through the person, it is what you would imagine the ax going through the head. You roll it on the base, and you have hostile stuff. When i did the documentary on splitting watermelons, i used human skulls to make the sound effects. It is interesting the sim ymbio chemistry there. And there is some kid in a third world country thinking he could have eaten it. Well, it is not going to do anything. It is not going to make you full. I am pissed off at the suits. Who did they think about this that watermelon. It is a little sweatshirt, you know, because bees are not coming out of this. And the one dancing there, and prancing, and that just takes the fun right out of it. And are you scared . I hate them both. And the reason to hate them, this is buzzfeed and the new wave of media, right . They beat the numbers of most tv shows. I hate them. And this is kind of important, because they macgyverd the hell out of that, and who knew that you could blow up a watermelon with the rubberba rubberbands. I thought that it would just fly off and hit them in the face. And what did that . Well, it is the rubberbands that did it. I did not read the story. Unless that watermelon is filled with vodka, i dont care. Think of the amount of plan and the inje genuity and everything that went into this, and all of the energy could have sbn spent on solving any of the worlds problems. But this is buzzfeed, and they only make listicals. Yes, that makes you happiment. And kat, is in going to make you happy or sad . Well, 800,000 people watched this, and that is why i never leave my apartment, people say, have you seen the water melon thing, and i say, no, i have been contributing to the economy you should try it. Who wants to watch that come on, man. You can do better. Yeah. As a country, maybe a mango or coconut. Oh, fun. And dont go anywhere, because we have the parting gifts up next, and some audience member is going to win something with no street value whatsoever. Hey mom. Yeah . Weve got allstate, right . Uhhuh. Yes. Well, i found this new thing called Allstate Quickfoto claim. Its an app. You understand that . You just take photos of the damage with your phone and upload them to allstate. Really . So you get a quicker estimate, quicker payment, quicker back to normal. I just did it. But maybe you can find an app that will help you explain this to your father. Quickfoto claims. Just another way allstate is changing Car Insurance for good. Family road trip fun check engine. Not fun but, youve got hum. Thats like driving with this guy. All you do is press this, and in plain engliscoolant , youll know whats wrong. If you do need a mechanic, just press this. Thank you for calling hum. And if you really need help, help will find you, automatically, 24 7, even way out here. Because you put this, in here. Hum by verizon. The technology designed to make your car smarter, safer and more connected. Put some smarts in your car. All right. It my favorite part of the show, and it is when i give to away parting gifts. It is my favorite part of the show. I just said that. Okay. Whats your name . Brad. Brad, how are you . Good. Do you work out . Yes, i do. You know i have a homemade gym. You do . Yes, i use basically body weight. Any wahhs, i might give away one gift today, because this is a very important gift. I want to tell you a little back story are about this, and this is my third book, im pretty sure, and it came out five or six years ago and i was very excited about it. They sent me a box of these books before, before it came out, and the editor was very, very happy and it came to my office. And just as i am sitting there looking at it, and governor huckabee is walking by because his office was down from h mine, and he said, hey, greg, how you doing . And i said, hey, governor, i have a book for you, and he is looking at it, and he said, this is great, greg, congratulations. You must be very proud and im looking at the cover, and he said, hey, greg, how do you spell your last name . I go, why . And he goes, well, do you have and i in your last fame . Isnt it gutfeld . And i look at it, and they have e spelled my name wrong on the book. On the book. This is amazing, okay. This is the first run, and i dont know how much they printed out 20,000 books, but they had to kill it. They had to pull all of the covers off, and so there are only a few of these books around and this is what is called the are collectors item, and the worst part of the story that governor huckabee took great pleasure to tell me this and the governor is a religious person, and he heard the fword followed by other words more than he had in his entire life and i was screaming down the hall, and screaming, and screaming, and scream, and the governor was just like looking at me like i was insane, and he clearly ex exited out of the fire escape can. You won the book. I are will sign it. And your name is brad, right . And thanks to Stewart Copeland, because it is always great to see you. And camille foster, and kat welcome to red eye. Hello, everyone. Im tom shillue. Lets check in with andy levy at the tease desk to see what exciting stories we will be discussing. Coming up on the big show, ted cruz refuses to wear a wisconsin cheese head or any other silly hat. Sounds like someone doesnt want to make America Great again. And Hillary Clinton has had enough of Bernie Sanders adding, quote, it is so much better how they get rid of challengers on game of thrones. I cant believe that is a quote. And andrew wk is here to talk about his new political party, the party, party. Find out what he has to is say about the strict