Dont worry about it. Thanks, andy. Lets welcome our guests. She is on our list of favorite joes after joe dirt. Thats not an insult. I really, really love david spade. It is joanne nosuchunsky. He is basically the bad boy from every movie, michael gunzelman. His voice is so smooth he has to stop himself from accidentally stealing your girlfriend. Charles cook. And he is from the small town of skull island. Looming next to me and giant comedian ben kissle. Lets start the show. Jeb bush carries tiny toy turtles in his pocket and hands them out to children. On wednesday while stoping for breakfast in portsmouth, new hampshire. The gop candidate walked over and pulled out a tiny figurine. He told the kid slow and steady wins the race, referring to the fable, the goose that layed the golden eggs. He said i give them out to kids. It is slow, steady progress. I have a bunch of turtles. If bush views himself as the tortoise, who is the haire . I think it is obvious. It is the tortoise and the haire. Jeb has long had a turtle obsession. We did some digging and look at this news report. The man accused of trying to smuggle more than 50 turtles from the u. S. Into canada is facing sentencing after pleading guilty in the case. The suspect was caught at the border in detroit with the turtles, get this, strapped to his body. Strapped to his body. He did look remorseful in that picture. I give tiny figurines to children. Jeb can do it and everything is okay. He will have to get somebody to pardon him and that happens. I do think he is practicing already. He is practicing being that guy. He said here is my advice, kids. He is the 85, 90, 100yearold already. His campaign is floundering. Why is that . This cant be his brand . Slow and steady wins the race. There are lots of supplies of bushes and lots of money behind bushes and there is no demand. You cant win if you have no demand. You cant force demand by supplying turtles. You cant force a bush down peoples throat. Thats a fact. Aesops fable of the tortoise beating the haire the tortoise didnt beat the haire. The haire lost. He fell asleep. Trump has to rest every now and then, but i dont think he will do that. He sleeps less than a cyborg on meth so i dont think he will be resting next to a tree as jeb bush strolls by to win the nomination. That makes sense. Thats right. The tortoise only won the one time. It is not like it will happen again. It was a fluke and Childhood Obesity is through the roof. We dont need to encourage the chubby children of our nation to go slower and more steady. Speed up. Jeb has long embraced the tortoise metaphor. In july he tweeted this pic, i met a joyful tortoise on the way to the Regan Library. And he said a fellow joyful tortoise. He considers himself joyful which is interesting. Thats right. He is a fellow joyful tortoise. Why was he on his way to the Regan Library . What was that . He is a member. He needed to do some reading. You have to use that Regan Library card. Very conservative both of them. But what is it . Joanne, do you think his tortoise obsession is creepy . It is not the most exciting animal. It is definitely not exciting. But now that i know this, i cannot look at jeb bush and not see a turtle. You know how most people look like animals . I never knew jebs. Now i know it is the turtle. Especially if he is wearing the glasses, im peeking out. Whats going on . Slow and steady does not win the race when there is someone faster and steadier which is donald trump in this case. Too to win a race you have to want to win it, and i dont get that passion from jeb. He doesnt even look like he wants to be president right now. Anytime you see him he looks frightened. And to choose a turtle it is like, you know donald trump is just driving down to cross the street like an 18wheeler blasting music ready to destroy him. It is the worst animal ever to compare yourself to. You also say turtle which doesnt sound like an animal. It sound like a function of the body. A tortoise is not a turtle and a haire is not a rabbit. Didnt he say he was low energy and he chooses to go with the folks the lowest of all Energy Animals . What about the mutant ninja turtle . Michelangelo. But they eat a lot of pizza. I hear he is avoiding carbs. He is building himself up. Next week he will be a sloth. It is a trolling donald trump with animals. Why would he avoid carbs. He was doing the atkins diet. The paleo diet. Thats low energy. You need a donut to get yourself going. I always said you cant judge a man until you have walked a mile in his high heeled booties. Marco rubio caused a stir in the world of politics and fashion after he was photographed wearing stylish footwear in new hampshire. It is the lib fabulous or die the live fabulous or die state. It caught the attention of the fashion blog and the republican rival. Ted cruzs communication director tweeted the headline. A vote for marco rubio is a vote for the booties. In less than 140 characters they say he says he is a baby and a girl. Some say it makes him appear taller and thus more president ial. Does he really need the booties . Lets see him without the heels. They are about the same height. Now lets see rubio when he is wearing the boots. Wow, that does make a difference. You wouldnt know that, joanne . I love that. I love the tricks and the things you do to get taller. I just lie. When i was competing in pageants we added two inches to my height. All of the girls do it. You might as well. You might as well because thats the whole thing. How can you compare yourself . Truly no one on cruzs camp should be talking fashion. I mean cruz i wish he would taylor his suits. I wish he would wear a suit jacket that actually fits him. They are all too big. While maybe he wants it to make him look skinnier and to make him look taller i would rather you wear something that fits you correctly. This is a problem jeb does n have. He had his shell and he was born with that. Wouldnt that help though . He wore a shell around instead of giving away the turtles. Thats for branding, right . He can give away bits of his shell. Finally you see him in nonshell glory. And we all have a piece of him. What do you think of those boots . They were calling them booties. They were trying to make them seem like they were feminine. The question is and you cant see them because they have the trousers, but the question is where do they stop . If they just go to the ankle . If they go up further, thats great. I will endorse marco rubios footwear. You dont want them to go up higher because it disrupts the lay of the pant leg. You dont want those with the high heel to stop around your ankle. Why is that . It seems like the higher boots are more feminine. Wear fancy socks. Obviously a fashion expert. You are wearing my mothers sweater. I have a great sweater on and pants heighter so tight when i go to tsa they dont have to touch me to see how well endowed i am. Lets get a shot of the boots. Feast your eyes on that, rubio. Are you wearing jeggings . Thats amazing. It is the new thing. Well i dont mind he is clueless anyway. He is doing it to look taller, but he should actually look skinnier. We were talking about this before and he is gaining he should go on the bush diet and lose some pounds. He wants to look taller, but you have been cursed w freakish height. Do you think you get more respect as a tall man . Absolutely i get more respect and i get a lot of women too. You Better Believe it. You mean you dont want this sweater . Get the sweater and that would be nice. This is what bothers me. This is caddie. Ted cruz, the man who was so against gay marriage and sponsored by james dobson and focused on the family. And this is a very e fashion policetype argument to make against rubio and all of the things, the gang of eight you can bring up and i dont think rubios shoes need to be in the political discourse. The thing is cruz knows what he is doing. The average republican voter trusts the guy in cowboy boots and not a guy in fashion boots, am i right . Ted cruz wears ostrich boots and he calls them his argument boots. If you have an emotion you can attach a pair of shoes too well i would do that as well. You are miss new york. As long as those old videos of him prancing around on stage in tights, as long as that is not happening. Are you breaking news here . Remember when he was in drama club in high school . Lets attack all of my people. Well find the video. Donald trump finds himself trailing ted cruz in iowa which means it is time for trump to ignore his Natural Instincts and attack. On tuesday trump expressed concern about cruzs citizenship. People are worried if he wasnt born in this country which he wasnt. He was born in canada. The problem is if the democrats bring the lawsuit, the lawsuit could take years to resolve and how do you have a candidate where there is something over the head of the party and that individual . Hes concerned. Thats all. Cruzs mom is a legal citizen and most agree that it makes him a natural born citizen as the constitution requires. Cruz is laughing the whole thing off. He suggested on twitter that trump is jumping the shark. For those unfamiliar with the pop culture phrase it was coined in reference to this famous scene from happy days. Observe. Whoa. You aint nothing but a hound dog crying all the time you yes that famous we can say anything on red eye. Charles, you are a dirty foreigner. What do you think of this . Well, i love the way that trump used the classic. Some people are saying which means i am saying, but i didnt want it to be out there. Cruz is an american citizen and trump is playing games. He is worried about him. He is genuinely worried about ted cruz taking his voters and so he is appealing to the good nature saying he is not an american. Hospital trump know that he is the one who gave obama so much grief. It does cause problems when someone questions where they are born. When bill clinton was campaigning in 07 for hillary in South Carolina he was talking about the birther thing and was obama a secret muslim and all of this nonsense, but it does concern me cruz is a secret canadian. Tim horton will be the coffee and we are watching hockey as the National Pastime and we are being too nice to each other. Bill clinton was the first birther, wasnt he . He was. First of all, we know that cruz came from the volcano of mordore from lord of the rings. Trump is wrong on that. Wait a minute. They didnt come from the volcano of mordore. Cruz did. It is funny because the Cruz Campaign actually tweeted out earlier today that they are getting ready of all maple syrup. Not to give the illusion that they are foreigners. There is no maple syrup. What about aunt jemimah. One of the staffers said that. Joanne, what do you think. Trump likes playing around with these things. Sometimes when it is too much against the wall it is silly. And of all of the things to pick, there are so many other things that they could attack cruz for or question him on. So he has a lot more faults than just being born. Trump should pick a better battle. I like he is battling because it makes for great tv. He was the one who was talking about birthright citizenship, right . The idea that someone who was born on this land is automatically a citizen. And now he is making a deal he is splitting hairs about the land cruz was born on. He doesnt have any idea should how courts work. You can walk up to the Supreme Court and shout through the doors, am i an american . Justice ginsberg will say yes and charles thats the way it does work. You dont have to put on the fancy wigs and do it all in the official way. We just yell. We interrupt Anthony Scalia and we have all done it. And then you look at the shrinkage. The truth about guns. Thats actual guns. No one wants to know those secrets. Live from americas news headquarters. All eyes will be on wall street this morning following another stock shock in china. The chinese shock trading was success spended after the socalled Circuit Breakers kicked in officer the stocks plunged more than 7 . European stocks also opening up sharply lower this morning. This is the second time china has halted trading this week. The white house casting doubt that north korea tested a bomb. They say it is not consistent with an h bomb test, but looks more like the less powerful atomic bomb. President obama is also speaking to the south korean president to assure his commitment to south korean security. President obamas Signature Health care law. After dozens of votes it will make its way to the president s desk. It also cuts funding for planed parent hood. The president said he will veto the bill. They will fire a trooper charged with perjury in the arrest of a woman who later commit suicide in jail. He is accused of lying about the traffic stop of sandra bland. Dash cam video shows the traffic stop quickly became confrontational. Another round of storms lashing Southern California with heavy rains and very strong winds. Areas are getting up to an inch per hour stranding drivers in high floodwater. Another system is expected later this week. With no winner in last fights powerball drawing it is now the largest in u. S. History. Saturdays drawing will be worth about 675 million. Get your ticket. Im Jackie Ibanez, now back to red eye. President obama cried while announcing gun control legislation and everyone talked about the emotional impact of his speech, but hardly anyone talked about gun stats. Obama quotes 30,000 gun deaths a year, but he neglected to mention 60 of them are suicides. 6 are gangrelated and 3 are accidents and the vast majority of the rest occur in urban areas where gun control laws are the strictest. The Daily Caller News Foundation did an am sis of a oneyear period and found that carrying carrying gun carrying private citizens who used the firearms saved potential victims. Sometimes the gun made the bad guy go away and other times it was used to kill him. Both good things. I would like to add unknown and uncountable are the cases where the gun saves the day without being brandished. When an abusing exboyfriend makes the choice not to return to the home of his ex she knows she keeps it for protection. The point is guns save lives. Even when they do, obama chalks up the stat for one more incident of gun violence. Thats not nice. You like the ending . It is just not nice. It is not nice. Of my argument he looks at the gun deaths, but it should have happened. Shooting a bad guy. I think obama wants us to get more creative when there is a home invasion. He wants us to be like mccully cul kin and set up to be be traps and have a to be boobytraps. I suppose it could, you know, satisfy the more angry person. It is true. No one wants to get a hot iron in the face, do they . Absolutely not. The wet bandits were seriously out of it. Go ahead. Give us some. The thing that upset me the most is the fact that how obama was clearly faking his crying. If you see he put pepper to his eye and thats how he started crying. This is the breaking news you need to know. Give the guy a break. He is not really crying. It is very possible. He just got back from vacation and he is relaxed. Your emotions flow when you are relaxed. I dont want to accuse him of what gunzleman did putting pepper in his eye, but he is a good actor. What if he turned on the water . Can you blame him . I dont think he did. It makes us look bad. Do you think he can be political . He is talking about little children who died in mass murder and of course you are going to cry. Thats what happens. I dont fault him for that. I fault him for the things he was staying to aid his own argument. Everyone uses statistics to make their own argument. Are there points on both sides . Yes, probably. What he failed to mention is that gun ownership is up and gun violence is down except in areas where the Mass Shootings occurred and thats because they are gun free zones. There are stats he did not mention. In the middle of the speech at one point he said by the way a lot are from chicago. He threw it in to give him a pass. People accuse him of not saying that. The statistics matter a great deal. We have seen the liberalization and the influx of maybe 200 million guns in the last 25, 30 years and the gun crime rate has gone down. All of the statistics on the daily caller is important. The way discussed is dishonest. Even if that was not the case it would be important to protect the Second Amendment because it is an individual right and it is based on the real individual right which is a selfdefense. You cannot say to somebody, look you dont get to defend yourself. Selfdefense is theoretical unless you are small and you have the means to do it say a knife or gun. The 65 guy we will always be better off. We will be in a fight with a 5foot tall person we will win. That person needs to defend themselves. The idea that aggregate statistics chooses the right to defend themselves i find offensive. I agree with the statistic. I hate the fact that we have this argument over statistics. You are an individual and you have a right to defend your life and barack obama or anyone else does doesnt get to stop you. You know how he protects himself . He hits people over the head like donkey kong. I would like to thank you for reminding me that i am stacked. It is about time i am recognized for physical beauty and not my friend. Coming up, it is one of my favorite times of the night. It is half time with andy levy. Welcome back. It is time to find out what we got wrong and what we missed from andy levy. Glad you made it through that. It is not like i say it every night at this time. We were gone for awhile. Tom you said they carry the turtles in the pocket and hands them to children. I just like saying that. I got through it. You did, it is a great sentence. Jeb bush carries tiny toy turtle in pocket and carries them out to children. You should say it. It would be cool if they were real turtles. Given that bush is fighting the portrayal as low energy, dont you think comparing himself to a turtle or tortoise is not the best way to go . I completely agree. He skipped from running to president to being an old map who wants to run against donald trump, the seventime president of the united states. Do you think it is trump that made him not want to do this anymore or do you think he never wanted to . I think he wanted to do it because he thought it was 1997. And slowly he has realized it is not 1997. He is run against donald trump. The seventime president of the united states. And now he is out. Ben you. Ed out in the you pointed out that the haire only wins because the tortoise the tortoise wins because the haire falls asleep. You would think w would be the haire that fell asleep because of the beer, but guns you say jeb doesnt look like he wants to win the race. He looks scared like he wants to go back in his shell . He should have listened to his mom. His mother even said dont run. Always listen to mom. Tom, thank you for pointing out that turtles and tortoises arent the same thing. Tortoises live on land and tortoises end and they spend time on water. It makes the turtle a good thing for bush since he is underwater in all of the polls. And a haire is that a wild rabbit or big wild rabbit . Dont know. Didnt look that up. Dont care. Cruz Campaign Takes a shot. Thats what they were made for. You said nobody on cruzs campaign should be talking about fashion which i totally agree. As ben brought up cruz talks about his lucky ostrich boots. Why are they going after rubios boots . Hes jealous. Thats what girls do on twitter. It is the ostrich, the allamerican bird. It makes a good sandwich. Ben, have you considered boots that make you shorter . It is not possible. What if they had spikes so they would dig into the ground and they would go into the surface. You want me to wear a shovel . I look freakish enough. As long as you were standing still and they were in the ground nobody would notice. What about the million of dollars of Property Damage all over the sidewalks . I dont see why thats your problem. You pay taxes. You could easily escape from jail. If you are walking i dont see how it is your fault. Twitter followers mail me your boots. I thought those were two different pictures. I didnt know they were the same shot. It is so nice out here. And charles is like 69. Trump raises a birther issue for cruz. Tom, that happy days scene you showed did not give us the phrase jumping the sharks. I think it was. You can tell because it wasnt fonzie jumping the shark. I think it means starting up the jukebox. Is that what you think it means . Yes. He is hearing this from a lot of people. Then he says earn he says personally i dont think it is a problem. If the equivalent of doing that stays as we in the media like to do. He has gone to an interactive. He said well i saw this. And then he said some people saw it. And then he managed to convince fans to think they have seen it. They said they had seen it and they can point to them having seen it. I dont know who that is. Go with it. Are you still a dirty foreigner . Yes, i have another year and a half to go. Tom, you said it was ironic ironic i was asking a legitimate question. People are telling me you are a dirty foreigner. I like you. I think it might be a problem. Now you convinced me to confirm it. It may be a problem for national review. Personally i dont think it is a problem. We should stop at the Supreme Court. Go shower with scalia. By the way, john mccain was asked about this on wednesday. Not showering with scalia. A Radio Station asked if he was eligible for the presidency. His response was, quote, i dont know the answer to that. The guy born in the panama canal district as opposed to being born in a foreign country. And he seems to think the Supreme Court may have to settle this. He hates ted cruz. I think that has a lot to do with it. Jay i enjoyed i enjoyed your payment for prom. You mentioned 60 of gun deaths are sue sides. There are claims that show they could lower the suicide rate. They claim to. How can you prove that unless it is gone. They look at the individual states and it is complicated which is why i shortened it. Also japan has a high suicide rate. And south korea three times. Look, charles, this is my job. We are not out sourcing this one. Dress with a w on it. You said the president wanted to be more creative in the situation of mcculley cul kin. Also a crossbow works fine. You can kill Home Invaders anyway you want. You can tie them up and hold them hostage for awhile. You can use a ferret and you can kill them with love. I have no idea. I have to go. It is time to take a break. Meet your robot double when we come back. Now here is what is happening on the next kennedy. Well hey, red eye fans. The one and only andy levy and comedian michael ian black. See you at 8 00 p. M. And 5 00 pacific on fbn. Live from americas news headquarters im Jackie Ibanez. Eyes are on the european markets right now as they face a steep decline minutes after trading begins there. Not surprising news though after chinas market takes another nosedive. Swren were frozen afterand shares tunnel pelled 7 . It is the second time the Circuit Breakers kicked in. Am lists are analysts are blaming the weak economy. And did they or didnt they . North korean leaders saying they tested a high droa yen bomb are meeting skep tauism is. The white house said more analysis is needed to be certain if pea pyongyang has the know how to create such a weapon. We will look at this by monitoring the situation and assessing the available evidence. It is the claims of the regime. Dozens of votes to overturn president obamas Signature Health care law, repel has finally made its way from capitol hill. The legislation cuts federal funding for planned parenthood. It passed the Senate Last Year under special rules protecting it from a democratic filibuster and now heads to the white house where it is certain to face a veto. And finally if you are holding a ticket for last nights powerball drawing, the lotto there . The half billion dollar jackpot is unclaimed this morning. That means the estimated prize is about 675 million. The largest jackpot of any lottery game in u. S. History. Incredible. The odd of winning are one in nearly 300 million, but why not you . Eye Jackie Ibanez im Jackie Ibanez, back to red eye it is. You cant be there, but your robot double can. A California Company is making telepresents be there. It is for private chats and for continued conversations in the company cafeteria. They are all things i enjoy doing. The ipad at the top can see what is in front and you can steer from home via computer. It cost 3,000, but it is not just for work. Your robot double can attend Family Vacations if you are too busy and even take your place in double. Of course when it comes to robot doubles, nothing beats this one. Did i do that . A classic. Wont this make Office Romances difficult . Here is the problem with this. Now you cant get away from somebody if you want to leave them try to get away from them. But on the flip side, the positive is we all have that person and know that person wreaks like cottage cheese. Their breath wreaks. At least it will keep them away from us or we candice connect we can disconnect it. Does cottage cheese smell . I wondered that. Thats more of a texture thing. Have you ever smelled it . They smell like feet. Isnt this a dream to stay at home in your pjs and be at the office . If i didnt have to do hair and make up it would be beautiful. For all of those tasks i would love to send the robot. Waiting for the doctor. Sitting in a waiting room with sick people when you are not really sick. You are there for a checkup. It is awful sitting around the germs. In that case i love it. And places like the dmv. Anywhere you have to wait in line or there is a cue of people. But i worry people would like my robot more than me. It is like, lets go out for a drink. Be honest. You are appearing on the screen, so it is not as if do they do the hair and make up . I would tape on construction paper hair and like an eye mask that is bedazzled. Ben, what do you think . It sounds like an annoying future. Instead of people stealing lean cuisines, from the freezer they would be stealing lug nuts. There would be a whole new series of office view. I would compromise if it was a punching dummy that had the persons face coming through on a machine. At some point somebody will go to prison for breaking a robot and it will be a huge tragedy. I would send it over my knee and snap it immediately. They have punch robots. All you have to do is add a screenplay. If you do extra work or stay late you can beat them up. It doesnt matter. Until you are fired by emails. But maybe they would encourage that and take out the frustration. I love sitting at my pajamas. You wear pajamas . Well on my male days. I dont know why i cant do that with skype or youre right. What good is it . Maybe a carrier pigeon . Everything is so connected that you can be in your boss office via skype. I am reassessing this entire thing. It is useless and i dont want these robots roaming around the office. We will close things out with a bedtime story and i will be headlining at the sf sketch fest in San Francisco on january 21. Come and see me. Tickets at sketch fest. Com. If you are pale, love will prevail. There is a new dating site for white people called where white people meet. Com. Good name. Launched last week it is stirring a bit of controversey. Here is sam russell. What prompted the idea was sitting at home a few months ago and being bombarded with where black people meet only. Com and farmers. Com and christian mingle. You name it and it was out there. Why not white people. Com . Seems like a great guy. He says the business is not racist. He told the washington post, quote, the last thing in the world i am is racist. I dated a black woman once and i helped raise a young black man. Take that, critics. When i was breaking into show i did commercials for a similar site. Some of you are thinking i want to share my feelings with someone. Go to aryan dating panel. Look at dave. He says suppose i am looking for a girlytype person that i can talk to. When dave uses the vague girly type person we can assume he is looking for a bottom. He also says i can be pretty rowdy at times, so beware. Email me or else. With sweet talk like that, can wedding belts be far off . Wow. It is like looking through time, isnt it . How do you look younger now . Are you a robot . It was the side part. The side part ages you. Thats why i went to the new do. Isnt farmers only. Com a white dating site . It is a porn site. You dont think you know. I am on it. I have a secret past in wyoming. He mentioned the websites. Is there one a black people only . There is a black people meet. Com. He said i am not racist. I broke up with a black woman once. Obviously you didnt marry her. Who was that kid he helped raise . A very successful young man i hope. Who knows . I love it took place in utah for the one black person who complained about the website or the billboard up there because they only got three bits membership. That is an issue with the site. Right now there is not many people who have joined or that many people active at one time. And also about the site, his son designed the website. His son who is a senior in high school. That just seems so strange to me that you are having your son i guess he is learning about the family business, but thats terrifying. The young people are good at all of this cyber junk, right . Who wouldnt want to go to that, right . They have so many colors. If they just called it something else, obviously it is the title. You can find a way to call it yourself and not be accused of being racist. I dont think he is a racist. There are websites for hispanics and for blacks and for christians and whatever. I think he is a plagiarist. He literally said i saw this website and it was black people meet and i thought i could do white people meet. What a genius. You should have gone with fans of dawson creek. Com. I loved that show special thanks to joanne nosuchunsky and charles cook and ben kissle. That does it for me, tom shillue. Ill see you next time. Hi. Im dave nemeth, Television Talkshow host and, until recently, a hair loss sufferer. Thats right i used to have a bald spot right here on the back of my head. And being seen by millions on tv, it was embarrassing. Thats when i turned to hair club, the 1 customized hair loss Solution Provider in north america. I walked in with a bald spot and that same day, walked out with a full head of hair. Backed by 40 years of amazing results, hair club provides exclusive technologies and Proven Solutions for every stage of hair loss. Every hair Club Solution is backed by their ironclad 100 satisfaction guarantee. Use promo code get hair to receive 300 off select solutions. This was me before going to hair club, and this was me by the end of my visit. The moment you see yourself with hair again, youll wish youd done it sooner. Call and set up your free hair analysis at a hair club near you. North korea says it has exploded a hydrogen bomb. True or not, a nuclear test of any kind is an act of provocation. So now what . This is special report. Good evening, welcome to washington, im brett baier, north korea is calling it an hbomb of justice. President obamas critics call it another indication that he has abdicated American Leadership in world affairs. What we know is that something triggered an earthquake around the countrys nuclear test facility. But hydrogen bombs, while much more powerful, are much harder to make than fissionpowered