passenger during pat downs. >> happen a leprechaun day. >> that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow contains only valtrax. >> those leprechauns spread more than joy. >> see you later. let's become our guests. she is hotter than a sauna on the sun filled with fire. i'm here with lawrence, so sweet she gives sugar to cavity. and pat, i do him in a skating rink, and you can catch him hosting a ring worm. bill schulz, and sitting next to me, our first-time guest, republican strategist, she knows politics as bill knows fleas and it's our new york times correspondent, good to see you again pinch. >> michael sheerer, said huckabee hadn't told them he would run, races suspicion he wouldn't run. if he does run, i won't be endorsing him. ha-ha-ha. you can take that one to the talking paper, pink. >> all right. yeah. he bolstered the bur burqua. a stash of pornography was found in bin laden's hideout, which wasn't a hideout. they grabbed personal computers, thumb drives, and officials say they'd cleaned it out. can you national what is on his hard drive. >> huge amounts of porn. >> clearly huge amounts of porn. >> that was may 2nd, and porn is our answer to everything so we're kind of like a stopped clock. we're right twice today. who said that? let's listen again using a high-tech rewinding device. >> huge amounts of porn. clearly huge amounts of porn. >> of course, it's me. either way, we now know that you saw him as a big perv, and officials said it's extensive and not an uncommon find in terror lairs. >> i'm so over that stuff. meanwhile, the defense secretary robert gates revealed another reason why pictures of osama's head won't be seen. said the secretary, we were worried about manipulation of the photos that might put our troops at greater risk in iraq and afghanistan. he was worried about snarky photo shops like this. >> well, remember that one? >> yeah. yeah. >> that's actually kind of arousing. pertaining to the porn found in osama's laird, are you surprised, disgusted or both? >> i'm relieved. which means we're not really that much different afterall. if they not going to release the death photos, at least release the titles in his porn library. throw is a bone. >> that's a sport played. >> dee dee welcome to the show. who his followers, the lee johns that are determined to be oh, so, holy, should they be disguested by his secret lifestyle. >> there's other titles, got to backs, mountains, rom dom, jihad gone wrong. >> if you're interested in looking at them, come by my place. we're sometimes in the giant kiddie pool. >> i always thought it was weird you learned arabic to read the subtitles. >> i wanted to -- >> they want to cover it up in burkass. >> pat, are you worried about what is on your laptop? >> i certainly am. >> signs download from the white house all the stuff. i have to say one thing. he had five wives. three of them were with him. but it wasn't enough. this is a man of my own heart. >> yeah, yeah. >> we now know him as a better bin laden. >> the porn is like maybe a marital aid to get him in the mood because he was interested in having lots of kids and doesn't it give every husband an excuse to say, at -- excuse after being caught with porn, at least i'm not bin laden. it's not going to make things any better. >> just so we can good back to the other story as well. want to give it equal time. >> absolutely. >> just so i'm clear, the biggest obstacle facing the homeland security department dismiss pimply teenager putting geraniums in his -- >> they blew his head away so anything would be an improvement. >> by the way, just because they photo shop the white house, the president, which he doesn't like, because i've seen some remarkable things -- pat, you actually do them, don't you? you have the obama photo shop. >> i am too computer illiterate, but i could receive many from my fans. >> all right. t-shirt. >> you got it. >> the greg-alogue, kaleidoscope of clarity in a tie box of bafoonry. >> the good news is, al qaeda has not nameed by bin laden's successor. the media has, and it's just another [bleep]. so why are we helping our enemies in the application process. if america decides on the successor, aren't we doing the hard work for them by telling them who we fear? it's like we're their head hunter. we should get paid for it. wouldn't it by better to keep our mouth shuts? i think so. but then again i've been drinking since noon. it's friday. why not throw our enemies off the scent to announce the probable successor to bin laden is andy dick, he has the free time and only destroys him. i'd also suggest actor tony shalob. raised in green bay, and this with get monk off the air, and then there's snooki. and then jeff gold blum. he seems smart but also a time waster. he will aren't to bomb something and then want to play the piano all night and what about william campbell, the scariest veil lap ever. he is dead so his minimumons will have no idea where to find himself the will be the hiding and we can make up the dialogue. the best choice for taking over al qaeda? the cat that looks like hitler. al qaeda would like it. it has nine lives and it's no pusy, and if you agree with me, you are worse than a cat that looks like hitler. >> lauren, isn't this conjecturing? or conjecture? is its harmful? >> are you hitting on me? >> yes. [laughter] >> the answer to everything. it's always that good. >> maybe i am hitting on you. >> what was the question? >> is it bad we're constantly trying to figure out who is going to succeed obama? we're happening out the terrorist. >> it's like free political ad space for whoever fills the slot. they're going to have a charisma problem. he is going to be able to live up to huge permit personality of this dialysis patient. >> i see an apology in the "the new york times" by lauren. some of my best friends are dialysis patients. >> it's wrong and silly and doesn't make any sense. why not put it on monster.com. so you're exactly right. we need be very careful. >> pat, what do you make of this? i'm sure you have an insightful opinion. >> i have no opinion. the dumbest thing i ever heard. we could take the loser in the republican primary -- >> terrible. >> and we can take whoever is bad and offer them up. >> that's an awful thing to say. actually, troubled about the hours it takes to do his hair. >> bill, why don't you volunteer? you're single, you're depressed, you're unstable. >> i love me some porn. i. >> this would be good for you. >> you have no respect and no organizational skills. >> my place looks immaculate compared to osama bin laden yoo. >> tony was raised in green bay, as if i didn't have enough ropes to hate that hat. he is a packer backer. >> he is a good -- an orphan. >> i didn't know that. >> he is still a packer fan, and you're wearing green so you're not much better. >> you know an awful lot about tony. >> that's a little scary. >> i know the number of hairs on his back. i bought the puzzle. when you put the puzzle together, you count the hair. >> two of them are on your mouth. >> oops. >> that could have happened anywhere. >> i had absolutely no physical contact with tony. i would like to make that clear. i never met him in my life. although if he is interested, he knows where to find me, the bear trap. sometimes i bounce there on thursday. replacing obama. the republican party got a few more candidates as texas congressman ron paul, and former house speaker newt gingrich announced they were throwing their hat into the ring. i hat that expression. throw something else in there like a life loafer. gingrich announced with this video. >> i'm newt gingrich and i'm announcing my candidacy for president of the united states because i believe we can return america to hope and opportunity to full employment to security, an energy program, i worked with ronald reagan, and we got jobs created again, americans proud of america, and the soviet union disappeared. >> caries charisma. and ron paul making his being announcement on something called. more"good morning america." >> the enthusiasm of the people that want me to do this, and i think what happened during the time we were at the debate in south carolina, where in a 24 hour period they raised a million dollars and it was spontaneous, and that sure is a sign that there's support out there. so, that is more or less the reason i have made the final decision. >> you need more than one tie. that's the rule. >> meanwhile, fox news' own mike huckabee announced he would be making an announcement about his announcement on saturday night. confirming he is a big adorable flirt, and my candidate is still mulling over a decision expected next week. ♪ >> went way too long on that. lauren, do you think joany gold has a chance? >> i'm just not -- i'm in a trance. >> who do you think could win. >> trump is probably nervous. those three guys have the experience and know-how to lose the republican race. [laughter] >> he wanted to lose it. dee dee, you work with candidates, as does pat. do you like any of these guys. >> i like trump. i think he is different. >> he is not going to do it? >> well, you don't know. i think he mid-michigan. i do. and mitch daniels is the most qualified candidate out there. a very smart guy. we have to give credit to newt gingrich. he gave the most unique reason for cheating ever. he cheated because he felt so patriotic about his country. he cheated. >> he was speaking to america while cheating on his wife. >> kennedy was our greatest president. >> clinton -- >> pat, let's talk about newt. does he have a shot? >> i want to tell you something -- >> he is a smart guy. >> let me say this. newt is by far the best thinker outside the box in american politics. but did you see the silver in that hair? that was -- that really detracted from his message. >> that is lit up. >> pat, let me say something. you're not the one to talk about hair, pat. >> look who is saying that to me. >> whoa. >> this looks good. >> phil, you're probably the closest con person to mike huck. >> my desk is closer to his office. and i have a desk rather than an office. i will also say that i like what newt gingrich's web site, newt.org, sounds like a place where witches go shopping, and i would also like add i'm glad that newt through this loafers in the ring instead of his hat because that would be a very big ring. >> you don't -- if you take a camera away from him and you take -- >> oh, don't. >> over here. >> i knew it. i knew it. >> high on life. now it's time for a segment we like to call -- >> unicorns in politics. >> that was nice. this where is we assess the inroads ewan -- unicorns have made in our system. let's roll tape, tame rollers. >> one of my colleagues suggested this hearing is nothing more than a dog and pony show. you'd have an easier time convincing the american people that unicorn entered the hearing program that these companies need taxpayer subsidies. >> is he trying to say its hard to believe that a unicorn might fly into the hearing room. and the era of denigrating ewan unicorns is long past. we have come a long way in unicorn acceptance, and your phobia has set it back decades. you make me sick do my poor compartment stomach. >> as you said, we were one of the first to do that. >> we're going to get letters. >> they're from big gots. >> eunuch phobia? >> unicorn phobia. >> lauren discusses her new book. leave this earth, people. what's new, complimentary ten gallon hats. [ doctor ] here's some health information for people over 50. maybe you don't think you're at risk for heart attack or stroke but if you've been diagnosed with p.a.d., or have pain or heaviness in your legs, i want to talk to you. you may have heard of poor leg circulation, which could be peripheral artery disease, or p.a.d. with p.a.d., if you have poor circulation in your legs, you may also have poor circulation in your heart or in your brain, your risk for heart attack or stroke is more than doubled with p.a.d. now, ask yourself: am i at risk? if you're not sure, call for this free information kit to learn more. [ female announcer ] call the toll free number on the screen now to find out what the risks of p.a.d. really are. you'll find a 7-point checklist that helps you understand what could be putting you at risk. if you have symptoms, you'll learn how treating symptoms is different from reducing your risk. you'll also learn about lifestyle changes and treatment options that can help reduce your risk for heart attack and stroke. there's even a discussion guide for you to bring to your doctor that can help you discuss p.a.d. together. call the toll free number on the screen for your free information kit today. the risk is real. take the next step. call today. >> they want to band too much hand and make it a crime to feel your behind. yes, texas, a state, is making airport security grope free after the house passed a bill that would make it a criminal offense to inappropriately touch passengers during a patdown. it makes it illegal for anyone to touch, quote, the anus, sexual organ, buttocks, or breasts of another person, including through clothing. yes, i said, anus. it's a medical term, people, get used to it. sorry. debbie fills a republican, sponsored this, having to do with dignity and travel. >> airlines to paris gate c. >> bill, you were an awesome bottom. >> lawrence, since they're banning the security measures in texas, doesn't that make -- >> traveling to texas. >> texas is safe. it's where they're going so that means if they're going -- these people are landing elsewhere, means those planes aren't going to be safe. why would other states accept those planes if the security measures are not as tight. >> i heard tight, and i heard -- yes, you're right, they're only being peated -- patted down one direction. >> right. >> only going one way. >> hold on. >> how long have i known you? you had this opportunity to say anus and got to get in trouble and you're not taking it? who are you? let it fly. it's a medical term. >> dee dee. wouldn't you save a lot of trouble and just profile, instead of all this hocus-pocus or. >> we should profile, and texans don't want you to grab their weapons and their guns. >> ever gone into a texas bar with the mechanical bulls? talk about a patdown. i'm sorry, man. >> that's okay. >> the image was in my mind, dear. >> that image is always in your mind. >> no matter what the story. >> sometimes sitting with you, schulz -- >> we don't call him pat down for nothing. >> come on. >> quickly -- >> i have an important thing. i've been wanting to say this on fox for weeks. ever sense their expanding the workers in these avoideys, the open full employment for every diveat, sexual maniac and child molester, perverts flooding into tsa to work for them. >> i don't know about that. >> wouldn't you? >> they're going -- >> if you're a pervert, you want to work there. >> if you're a pervert you can't get the job. >> yes, they and can they have. >> the federal government, are you kidding? >> bill, are you getting out of texas now? this is the only kind of -- >> this is the only enjoyment i get. i want to be messed with. if the old texas patdown wasn't a euphemism for foreplay, it is now. the old texas patdown. >> i thought we could explore the idea it would make the world less safe but we got caught up on the sexual terms. >> third base. >> yeah, third base. he was talking about a bull. i don't understand. one of the world's greatest political minds talking about bull-riding, i love you pat. >> you have a comment on the sew? e-mail us. leave a voice mail. still to come, the halftime report from david hasslehoff? yeah. >> tonight's halftime report is sponsored by: >> welcome back. let's find ought if we have anything wrong. andy, you look a little tired today. >> i didn't get much sleep last night. >> how come? >> did you see those silly reports about a romance. >> no, i didn't. >> l-u-c-k-y. they said they just had a friendly lunch together. >> i can't believe you care about this at all. >> really, greg? lies were told about two of my favorite people, and you can't believe i care? >> i really can't, matthew says now it's almost like he feels awkward going to dinner with gwynn because of those disgusting lies. now do you understand why i'm upset. >> i don't. >> who are you, greg, you can't love. >> makes cold play's chris martin's life miserable, i hope gwynn is cheating with everybody including bono. they're both evil. >> you're the monster and it is you, sir, who will be destroyed, sir. >> oh, okay, then. >> wow. >> woo. >> not having a good day. >> wouldn't want to be you right now, dude. >> u.s. officials say they found a stash of porn at bin bin bin s compound. it's always a stash of porn. like a murder of crows, and. >> what should it be? it should be a crust of porn. >> a grip of porn. >> that makes the most sense. >> it does. i like crust, but grip is better. >> lauren you said the obama administration is not going to release the photo0s the dead by bin, they should at least release the titles of the porn. here's mithersy. they had a video camera in the compound so i'm guessing all of the porn was home made, amateur stuff, poor sound quality, and one camera, or a shaky camera, annoying. pat loves amateur. >> i love amateur, way much better than professional. >> it's kind of like an independent film. >> yeah, exactly. >> like when the girls are too aware of the camera. >> politics is local, right, pat? >> that's fine, but -- >> i'm map of the people. >> stop calling it arty. it's not. >> what did i do? >> you know what you did. >> also, pat, moving on to this photo shop thing, we have pictures of bin laden with a hole in his head and we're worried they might be photo shop ed? wouldn't you photo shop in a hole in his head? >> right. confirmation. >> one of the easter eggs with the little city inside of it? a hole and a woman reading a book and a little dog. >> you could have little things crawling out. perfect stuff. >> dee dee, welcome we talk about the information coming out of the white house about this the raid? is this their strategy to get rid of wikileaks. they're going to leak everything themselves. >> interesting. i think with the obama administration, they send out what the want to and it's lies and it's wrong, and just like the photo shop, and it's manufactured and it's not right. >> kate said yesterday, we agreed on monday there would be no leaking of the specifics. immediately on d on sunday night. on monday morning, the white house was, every detail out, and now the seal families -- >> propaganda. >> only the good stuff. only the things they think works. at it a little overdone. >> the only thing that is leaking right now is osama's head. >> they're doing it on purpose. >> the one thing i really want we can't have. >> didn't obama -- >> i mean, thought they were going to say obama was there and shot him. >> this is andy's time. >> we're sorry, andy. >> we're so bad. >> sorry, andy. >> i'm so tired, i really dome care. >> really affected you. >> greg-alogue, you suggested actor tony and this would get monk off the air. >> the last episode was in 2001. >> it's still on all the time. the last episode of monk, the most watched cable drama episode in history. i think i showed you. >> you did. put me in my place, wolverine. >> yes. >> that was lame. >> greg, you argued the met use shouldn't help out al qaeda by suggesting successors and l.a. agreed. i think al qaeda is going to make that decision without input from the u.s.a. today, and lauren, you discussed you have started an online petition for katie couric to be bin laden's replacement. >> i don't know how you found that out. >> it's calledsee -- it's called research. >> they need perky right now. >> they do. >> bill you said if trump were bin laden's replacement he wouldn't have to worry about his hair. he would just put a turbin on. >> g.o.p. candidate roundup, you said johnny gold is mulling over a presidential bid. >> yes. >> you don't think about that if you're not running. >> he is always running. that's why he is in such great shape. he calls me the human treadmill. among other things, when i'm bad. >> lauren you said trump doesn't stand a chance with these guys in the race, they all have good experience at losing elections. i don't think that's fair. trump may not have a lot of experience losing elections but has a lot of experience taking companies into bankruptcy and he can apply that business acumen. >> you're right. could be a dark horse here. >> bill, you claimed your desk is the closest out of all the "red eye" staff desks to huckabee's office. it's. >> it is by definition the closest from where we're sitting. i'm the closest to where huckabee sits. you can't refute that. >> you cannot, actor for west side story. >> we'll take some video showing how far your desk is from huckabee's desk. >> i'm still on camera. >> the good thing is stuff like that does a lot to quell the rumors about you. >> look, it is a stirring, stirring, candid stir. >> i might add. >> just lastly on the texas groping thing, greg you said texas is thinking about making texas grope free. the texas senate still has to pass the bill and governor perry has to sign it. >> probably shouldn't have done the story. >> i was going to say something but i was tired. >> you fell asleep during the meeting. i took a magic marker and drew a mustache on your butt. >> that was you? >> yeah. a kid nearly rap you over -- ran you over out of anger. >> i'm going back to sleep. >> don't oversleep. we need you for postgame. so long, tyler derby. >> coming up, cher is dead. tired of all the cher impersonators? get a life, people. leave her alone. >> what's up with the latest terror arrest inside boy, they're attractive. >> on wednesday, new york city cops busted two terror suspects as they attempted attractively to purchase weapons and a hand grenade from an undercover officer. there he is. according to cops, the two obviously switched and probably tea partiers, planned to dress up as jews and plant bombs at synagogues. they were probably mad over health care, and the plot was in its early statements. neighbors find it unbelievable they were involved in this feat. one man said, quote, there's no way they're involved in terrorism, they're too stupid. they're always smoking pot and fighting. for more, my roommate, scott, who happens to be a flight attendant. ♪ >> scott never pays the rent or buys the toilet paper but he puts everything in simple terms so we can understand it. thanks scott. and don't stay out all night because i worry about you. they kept calling these guys north africans, not muslims. >> these guys with the names. no. north africans, and of certain descent, it's like really -- i mean, it's like not pointing out that -- i mean, if they were -- let me tell you, if they were christian extremist, we would have had -- just imagine what that would have been like. but not here, not in pc life. this is why the country is going to hell in a hand basket. >> is it literally going to hell in a hand basket in i take issue with that. >> but it works. >> it does work. >> lauren, let me ask you a question. no one seems to care that much. this normally would be national news. are we getting so used to stopping these plots we're jaded? >> i care. i tell you what i care about. the one guy used to work as a cosmetic salesman at zacks? which means i could have unknowingly supported terror. >> you actually never paid for anything. you just took the free samples. >> they gave it to me, greg. >> they could have ruined your beautiful face. >> i could be wearing explosives right now. >> aren't you? >> some call it dynamite. >> you're the bomb. >> all right. >> let's bring in serious thoughts. >> dee dee, here's the thing that bugs me. does it matter these guys are stupid? why is that always mentioned. stupid peopling still kill you. >> and being a terrorist is stupid so there's that part. and i think we need to be vigilant. we need to have patdowns everywhere. it could be fun, it could be good, and it would work. >> as long as it's girls doing it. >> pat, you scoundrel, you creepy, creepy -- >> i want to make clear what i prefer. >> bill, why did they kick you out of the group? >> how dare you. >> i love the outrage by the statement. why can't they just be dumb. why do they have to drag their lineup through the mud. why does pot have to be associated with dumb terrorist. do you know the medicinal power of it. >> they both hat -- >> he is making the masses mad for his ad. i speak of california congressional candidate dan adler whose ad has been making the rounds on youtube for the wrong reasons. that's because of the reason he gives for why people should vote for him, because his wife is korean and he is half jewish. roll the tape. >> 815% of voters here, politicians don't speak for issues. >> these why i'm here. >> i have issues. >> medicare. >> so many people in this district. >> i'm korean. >> actually, my wife is korean, too. >> you're jewish. >> my family is jewish. >> we minorities should stick together. >> i'll represent everyone in the 36th district. my name is dan adler, and i definitely approve this message. >> dan adler, send a mensch to congress. >> if he didn't mention his korean ad, this would be the most ray sis ad -- racist ad ever. >> this is the most racist ad ever. >> i'm rodney, and i [bleep] hate cats. >> pat, imagine -- this is an obvious point. if a white person said we white people have to stick together you would vote for that candidate and you would work for them. i can't recall the actual phrase. >> go ahead. >> i don't like the word gratis because it's ethnic. >> by the way, this will go down -- there's a collection of the greatest winter political -- political ads. this is one of them. all i can thing is growing up in the south -- and i was in the civil rights movement as opposed to with the klan. >> wait a minute. wait a minute. >> you were in the civil rights movement so you could be in the klan. >> right. that's a sick thought. the fact is all i can remember these white candidate, i'm running, and i want to toll you, there's a difference between me and my opponent, and they put up their face and then the black candidate. and he is too liberal. >> i thought it was joke. >> california. >> snl. >> the romney one was worse than that. >> shut up. lauren, last word, korean woman running a laundromat. >> i think my manicurist was in that ad. >> i think everybody is overblowing this. what does that mean? it means it's time for a break. check out the in the "red eye" podcast. this is the best part of our day. not including the show. tonight we talk about -- we talk about love. take a break. hi. you know, i can save you 15% today if you open up a charge card account with us. [ male announcer ] identity thieves never stop coming up with ways to steal from you. they can open up an account in your nam and go on a serious spending spree. do you have cufflinks? mm-hmm. gold ones? [ male announcer ] not on our watch. we're lifelock. go to lifelock.com and learn how our patented billion point database can help protecyou. call 1-800-lifelock today. lifelock. relentlessly protecting your identity. >> last night i told you how much i enjoy snuff musical, and i also love charity. so let's get to the latest piece of art. the winning bid crossed this afternoon from a man from san jose, california, who offered $2,258 for this arm. send me the check and you'll get this delightful piece of artwork. now the new artwork. i call this surfing corn. not very creative but they account all be winners. -- but they can't all be winners. you have until next friday to be considered, and all the money this week goes to a nonprofit group that provides grief counseling to families of fallen soldiers. sorry you had to yawn, lauren. >> ow are a monster. >> back to me. don't have time. she doesn't care about the troops. don't waste any time. let's not forget the real message. it's not about charity. it's about me. are you the guy that does all that charity work? that's true. but you still can't sleep herement i'm sorry. this is a public bathroom. i apologize don't apologize, just leave and please put on some underwear. thank you. one-man play didn't work. we have the postgame wrapup from andy levy. see clips of recent shows on foxnews.com/redeye. >> don't forget to watch over the weekend. a brand new "red eye" returns captioned by closed captioning services inc. >> time to go back to how we curse on a date. >> wow. >> first of all, that never happens. >> it was either that or divorce dad at mcdonald's. >> oh, divorced. >> i thought you said dedef devores. >> dee dee do you think he can win. >> daniels is strong but donald trump, i wouldn't count him out. >> i would. >> lauren, what did your mom think of ashton kutcher replacing charlie sheen on 2.5 men. >> someone more beat up. that was her opinion. >> you're missing the best part. when we called her in the green room. what did she say. >> she said, good. now everybody will know i don't talk like that. [laughing] >> any final thoughts regarding ron paul? >> i didn't think we should ignore him. my last thought of the night, who we missed this week. if you had your bar we could have had bin laden week. >> if i had my gay muslim bar. >> and with porn added to it. >> unfortunately i was not allowed. >> yeah. >> too white. >> what's wrong? >> i'm just sad thinking about the fact you never opened your