to my own kids who are watching closely. so it was time. brian: but in life you have to be practical sometimes. when you are the sole provider and you have kids getting one is going to head -- to earn college and one is about too go? you've got to say where do i have to feel better about myself at the same time be practical whose can pay the bills? >> as he biggest fear because it is all on me. but i've a very strong faith. one i've kept private for a long time. no more of that. i would not be standing right now sitting literally without god and my faith in him and my family. here is the thing, my dad with a west point background retired army colonel i had two younger brothers he made us memorize part of the cadet. not going to bore up to them at the middle part you understand how much you choose the harder right instead of the easier sair wrong and should never be