Transcripts For CSPAN2 After Words 20150426

Encouraged and for us to remember our roots. Ultimately i was asked to become a moderator. That started a series of 14 years of me advising encouraging and supporting Naval Academy parents. Through this time i had two more children who decided to apply and ultimately attend the Naval Academy. So as the years went by not only did i am children at the Naval Academy, now i have been on active duty. So parents kept saying they need to write this all down in the book, you need to write this all down. And as our life continued in its twists and turns, my husband after his airline declared bankruptcy, lost his pension he ended up working for an airline in afghanistan. I followed him and taught for here in afghanistan so had his unique perspective of being a mother who have had children deployed to afghanistan and now i was there in kabul at the same time our youngest son, the rebel, decided to join the military, not to the Naval Academy but through army rotc. Now i have four children all serving. I had been in the war zone. When i came back people kept saying you need to write this done. At first i thought i would just write it down for my family. So i did, and apparently some lesser said they need to do more than that with this. He contacted the publisher and the result is be safe, love mom. Host so three go to the Naval Academy, one goes to the university of north dakota. They are all serving in different branches of the service. How did that come about . Guest when you go to the Naval Academy you can select either the navy or the marine corps. There are limited number of opportunities to Cross Commission. My daughter ended up going to the air force primarily because she wanted to try and fly and she had a medical condition that precluded her from doing that in the navy. The aforesaid different standards. She had been an exchange at the air force academy. She was interested in space and so she was allowed to make that Cross Commission. So it was a total fluke that we ended up with the children in every branch. It was never intentional, but its kind of fits with each of their passions and what they wanted to do and the active duty military service. Host who do you feel your audience is what this book . Guest my first audience is military moms. I say i speak for the moms and dads. I get these emails from dad sang what about us . I know that you care just as deeply about your children, but my first audience is moms that they know they are not alone that they can be encouraged and inspired and we can share information. In my website thats what im trying to do is build a community where moms can come and be supportive and find inspiration. Because we dont get Family Readiness briefings. We dont live on post or on a base. We dont get that support that comes from the traditional military. Thats my first audience. My second audience is the greater community, to say i want you to understand what this is like. I want you do realize that its not the same as sending her children off to college. There are a lot of differences. So i just want you to understand that there are people around who are carrying a heavier burden than it may appear. But its what we do and we took lastly because we love our country, but it still is a heavy burden. So i have two audiences i hope. Host now, you grew up in a military family. Your father served in the army i believe he went to vietnam. You write a little bit about your experience at a military child with your father deploying. Talk about that a bit. Guest im the oldest of seven and in the 17 times. I went to 12 different schools the my father was in the army signal corps. He met my mother when she was in the army as well. So i joke about my First Military duty was giving my mother an Honorable Discharge because in those days you can have a child and a woman in the military. And so my fathers first tour of vietnam he was an advisor and i was eight years old. I did have a concept of what that meant accept halfway through was when it was there too, the military took over the government and we started sending in troops. So things change very rapidly from then on. It was very difficult. I hear a lot of controversy about should troops be thanked and im like yes troops need to be thanked. Everyone needs to be thanked because i grew up where i had to defend my father. And even when i was in rotc in the late 70s on the campus of Arizona State university, i was harassed. I was catcalls and i was spit at when i would wear my rotc uniform. I dont ever want to go back to those days we and feeling like you needed to apologize and defend your parent jesse lewis calling them a baby killer. That happened to me. So now as i look at the way this current generation of troops are being valued, its very heartwarming to me as a mother. I think its a great thing, but i had six younger brothers and sisters. Some of them really struggled with the constant moving, and it was a very difficult time. On the other hand, there is no place where i feel more at home than on a base for a post. And there was a connection between our family that was so tight because no matter where we were we had each other. Maybe not my dad but we had our siblings and our mom. And i really treasure that. I treasure the people. Net because you dont have to waste time trying to fit in. Everybody is ready to make a friend because we are all so transient. So that part of military life was really, continues to be very special to me. Host i find it interesting that you grew up in that environment and they married somebody who was in the air force but he got out and then you moved to a small town in ohio, a farm in ohio. As a Military Spouse myself, the whole concept of actually living in one place for long extended period of time to me is very frightening. So here youre going to ratio children in one place or their entire, most of their childhoods. Talk about that transition. Guest i thought thats what i wanted. I thought it wanted to know what it felt like to it felt like the people do have stuff pilot in up in my basement and i have to pack one box of my special things every time we moved. It is a part of that that is very comforting, and they i know who my mechanic is and i know who my doctor is but i get in trouble all the time because i dont wave when people drive by. We live in a place where you dont expect them to anybody come you are not looking in anybodys car. But when you live in small town america, Everybody Knows everybody. But the joke is to come into my house in the dark because i do miss moving and i do miss being in new places. And so one of the ways i would cope with it is up with new furniture. Im not talking about moving just the couch in a different corner. I might turn the living room into the dining room into the bedroom around. So my husband would come in late at night and he wouldnt even of which room to go to. Thats always a running joke but there are parts of it that are wonderful and there are parts of it that you feel like a dandelion that is assembled for a brat you know im ready to fly on and be in a new environment. Host how did that experience of growing up on a farm in ohio influence your children to go into the service if it did . And tell me a little bit about what you thought when you first signed talked about joining the navy. Guest one of the things we did, we live in an area that is not predominantly military at all. Very few people are in the military, but we had my dad who was, we spent we were very fortunate because my husband flew for an airline so we would travel to visit them a lot. They hurt the family stories. We would come to d. C. A lot. We had a Family Tradition to come to the memorial day concert ever you. We did that probably for eight years to come and when the Service Songs would like they would stand up for grandpa and stand up for dad. So we made sure that they knew their family legacy of service and that this is something to be valued. So they were exposed to that. At the same time my husband wanted them to learn how to work hard and be uncomfortable. Because we felt like that was preparation for life. If you can follow through and be responsible, work hard and indoor discomfort, there isnt a whole lot that can be thrown at you that you cant have the. They learned how to build a. They learned how to feed the animals before they were allowed to eat. All these things. So ultimately when eric spent his first summer at the Naval Academy one of the letters we got home was this is a lot easier than being at home bailing hay. So we thought we succeeded. We had him prepared. But we knew from the time he was a very little boy he wanted to be top gun. My brotherinlaw was a Navy Recruiter and we would get boxes of posters and airplane pictures. My husband was like wait a minute hes going to go into the air force. I was in the air force. But he just had that dream and that vision, and so as he got older we visited the academys. We looked at different options. And because he knew he wanted to be a military pilot. So when he was accepted to the Naval Academy, i was so excited and proud of him because he was realizing the beginning of his dream. There was a lot more to happen before he would get his wings, and at the same time it wasnt until that very first day, induction day even though ive grown up in the military and i understood it and i respected it as an institution, that first day all of a sudden it hit me that this was going to be totally different than any other military Family Experience that i had had up to that point. Host and you up until that point, had you been involved i know there are social media ipod, had argued been contacting Naval Academy parents up until that point, or were you aware of this sort of great big Parents Group that is out there . Guest back in the day there was there was no facebook at the appointed time. Your child had an appointment you could participate. So its probably april and the kind of questions you asked were what do they need to bring ask what color tennis shoes do they need . All that that when youre a parent are special to him on the feel like youre in control because youre making sure they have everything they need. Thats part of the reality of ones they hit that door, there is nothing else that i can do that is going to prepare them anymore than i already have and now its up to them. That was, for me, very difficult because i wanted to be able to do everything that i needed to do for them to be successful, but the Apron Strings were cut. I say theyre not just got. They are hacked with with machetes and now it was up to him. He was going to sink or swim based on his passion and his ability to survive. And that was, it was an immediate hes out of the nest moment. Host how much of a handson parent were you prior . I mean, would you describe yourself as a helicopter mom . Guest no. I call myself an eagle mom. We did a lot of things to have them be independent and to help them soar. And so i come we didnt run interference for them when they had difficulties. It was like okay you signed up for this. You are not quitting the team. You need to work it out. You need to show the coach what you can do. Anything they were excited about or passionate about, i was there for them. I was driving them theyre all involved in different sports. They did community theater. Katrina decided when she was 13 she wanted to climb the mount everest. I found an expedition that she could earn money. She and my husband joined an expedition and when she was 16 height cannot efforts for less than one would cost to take her family to assist lamp disneyland. She raised the money or so. So i was that kind supportive if thats what you want to do lets go forward but i did not fight battles for them. I did not use my connections to help them improve their lot in life. My husband didnt coach so they could get a better spot on the team, and thats the perception that when i think of the helicopter. No its trying to smooth away instead of letting people fight their battle. Because thats how i knew and thats how i still know they are okay. Because i know they can fight these, whatever obstacles come in their path, i know they have the interval skills to handle it. Now, do i like sometimes feel like im standing on the sidelines biting my fingernails you know, cheering them on . Of course, but i need to have confidence that they are prepared for what is in front of them. So that was my come and my husband goal was creating an environment where independence and hard work is going to pay off. And sometimes it wasnt there. Sometimes things happen where i really wanted to get more involved but i held myself back because that wasnt going to help them. So now what i tell fellow navy Academy Parents as i say, a helicopter parent, you create helicopter parents when you dont give people enough information. Support of michael is to give them information about what to expect. Because when i know what to expect then i can relax and ease off and they dont need to be hovering. I say the same thing to my grandchildren. If you dont want me hovering just give me some crumbs of information. I just need to know youre okay. If you tell me you are okay then i dont need to hover and now it boils down to i mean, sometimes its once every two months, especially when they are deployed. I dont expect to hear from them every day or you know. Im grateful, im grateful for secondhand is from their spouses. But when i know that all i need to know is its okay then i back off. Host so its not so much a howto parenting book but it is sort of a how to navigate this new world and culture that is the military. You have a background being in a military family. You probably encounter everyday people think it is completely a foreign country. Talk about all of it about the unique culture that is the military family. And how sort of hard it is to convey to bring your parents brandnew people whose kids just enlisted or went to the Naval Academy of west point you know, how do you sort of help them navigate disney world . Guest i do a series, and now have a Facebook Page when i also write. I did a series called thats pretty much basic truth. For example, in a military rules are rules. Rules are not made to be broken. I used to teach energy not in High School Environment and most of my students there are not used to that kind of environment where a rule means its the rule so for example, i grew up only walking on sidewalks, never walking on the grass. Thats just Second Nature to me. That was part of military order and discipline. So the first thing is to explain the concept of military order and discipline, that whether you think its a stupid rule or not or whether you want to express her individuality or whatever, there is a reason why we need uniformity. Theres a reason why we need a chain of command, and there is a reason why we need to follow that for good order and discipline to end every military unit in the world has to that that basis. So explaining to parents it doesnt matter if they think upperclass a stupid. They still need to do what they say because they are modeling behavior that later on in a time of war or a difficult time, they need to be able to count on people doing what theyre supposed to do when they are told to do it. Its just basic truth. People who didnt grow up in a military, many times dont have the confidence in the institution that i have growing up in it. Because as you get older and you look back you see a reason, a method in all the madness, you know, why should people be trained to behave this way. Because there are times when its critical that they need to follow procedures. And i go back my son now flies. My husband flies the 767. They have procedures that they had to follow in the event of emergency. To the letter, in order to keep everyone on board or keep themselves safe. Its the same thing. So many things that they do in the military are with Nuclear Weapons or they have men and women in their command that they are responsible for. Theres a reason why you need to follow the rules and follow procedures. And so it begins with that. The second part, especially when theyre in a training environment, is what they going to be doing three years, four years, 10 years from now . If they are trying to be officers they are going to be responsible for other people potentially and lifeanddeath situations. Its important for them to be pushed, to know that they can perform even the most difficult circumstances. So thats why the screen. Thats why they do these things that seem ridiculous. It does they need to know that they can be unemotional and a time when most people would meltdown. And so as we go through these different phases then we get to the heart is the hardest one of all, which is you have absolute no control over anything from now on. You can council. You can give advice, but if they have a medical problem, the military is going to take care of it. If they have a leadership problem, they need to go through the chain of command to take care of the situation they are dealing with. And that is probably the most difficult part of all of it is you cant call the counselor. Host i would see that as a great relief, wow, my job is over. You dont . You just guest i do now. In the very beginning, the first time i went through it, it was a shock. Now i am relieved. I dont have to worry about. I have enough other things i need to worry about, but for many new parents that come our when their son or daughter hits a bump in the road and they get a phone call or text message that says, you know this guy is doing is were whatever, and its just like when they went on the bus for the first time. What do you want to do . You want to get in there and fix it, educate people. You cant because its not appropriate. Its what they need to take care of. And so that is one of the hardest parts. And i think also coincides with time for a lot of women when the nest is starting to empty and then we start to redefine who we are. You know our role as mother changes. I think parenting adults, because you still. No your parents are still parenting you if theyre still alive. Its really hard. There is a way to expect when youre expecting for parenting and adult child. So thats where motherinlaw jokes come from. How do we navigate disney world especially when we have children that are independent warriors but they will always be my child, you know not maternity level but a biologically. Host lets talk about the experience of having your troops, your children, go into combat zones war zones a military that is at war. In the beginning there were discussions about obviously there are programs for families. There are programs for spouses. Theres seminars, Family Readiness programs. The our whole unit programs to help spouses but parents are sort of left out of that close knit community. What was that like for you and what did you do to sort of build your own community with other parents . Guest there is something, the first time that one of them went to a dangerous place i felt like i was swimming underwater for a good part of that time. Partly because i had been there before. You know, i had my dad. I experienced that as a child. So it was kind of like a deja vu experience for me. I dont sleep well when i have a child in that circumstance. I wake up in the middle of the night. I will have bad dreams. And so i decided very quickly that instead of responding to that, i needed to be proactive to help manage the way that i felt. Because i knew i had four of them and i knew i was going to be doing this a lot. I have a deep personal faith that helps me a lot but i also learned that it was really good for me to be busy and be busy doing Something Different to each deployment i had some kind of the project. One time i logged as many miles as it would take to get to where he was deployed and back. Host deeming running wise . Guest we would be very loosely, it would be very close to describe as running. I am a wall on vastly. I did complete the Marine Corps Marathon in 2003 in seven hours four minutes and 56 seconds. So lets just say there were no drinks no oranges and very few people left at the finish line when i crossed but that is one example of a challenge that are used to help myself manage the stress of having a child deployed. And i also started to knit. I actually started to knit when my youngest one was played football. I didnt want to be that. On the sidelines to scream at the coach. I realized that if my hands were busy i could keep my mouth shut. Now what it. Now what it is i can use it as a medication replacing nervous energy, and then i try to actively pray for each of my kids. Some of the things that i do is ive planted a blue and gold garden. So ive gotten outside and i really tried, and i know it sounds kind of silly but i really tried and take care of myself. I give myself permission to take a 20 minute nap over to understand that really i am Walking Around with the extra weight. I called my mom back back and it is there because the second something happens i hear something on the tv news about afghanistan, or hear something about an aviation crash i am on red alert because that might be one of my kids. And it has been. Some of my kids geared friends. So as those lists build come as they deploy again, the backpack gets heavier. But finding connections with other military parents who get it come having a person that i can call at 2 00 in the morning and say, i just had the worst dream. My husband is very calm. My husband and hes a great weight for me but he doesnt worry about anything. And so sometimes just being able to talk to another mom, and we are both kind of like, you know its so helpful. And thats one of the reasons why i really wanted to reach out to other parents because we dont have a really well we need to be connected because we find support in that. Just like my daughterinlaw and my soninlaw when they are on based upon post, they have that unit already there. They have the Family Readiness briefings. They have all that. We dont like you said, we dont have that. I can you build that network and find that support . Because im just as worried as the spouses. Host when you were young, your mom sent you to come you went to an Outward Bound program i guess when your dad was deployed. Widget fares have described you as a worried personality transfer i dont think so. I was just very responsible. I carry a huge weight and they still do, huge weight of responsibility. In my family. My sister was born a year and we can always add up was already already helping her and helping my mom. And so i think she knew that, and i would not at that time, i would never have admitted to you that i was worried about my dad ever. In fact, writing this book in some ways has been really hard because we dont talk about how hard things are. We just suck it up. Thats my family. But i think she knew i needed a break and i needed to do something that just would give me a way to define myself, you know, as a young adult. It was a great thing. It was a great thing that i did it. Host out of the four branches that your children serve in does any of them stand out as being more accommodating to parents or doing more for parents . Especially during deployment time. When people are in garrison, there does tend to be a lot of communication. Does not need for put into predefined workouts would you talk about and then while they are gone, you know, does any of the Services Guest i still have a bachelor son but when my first son was a bachelor, he turned my name into the Family Readiness so i at least got the bulletins. But really nothing. Everything depends on the ones that are married what they convey to me and thats what i tell my fellow moms comp be really nice to your daughtersinlaw. I totally agree that they should be the first in line for information and they should be the one that gets most of the condition. That is how it needs to be. I just like i said, im grateful for whatever they pass along to me especially when theyre in situations where they dont have a chance to to medicaid to multiple people, which happens. Host there are some interesting bits of wisdom to pass on in this book. I probably picked up on one that is not on your list of tips but your husband and you wait, you go visit beforehand well before they go on deployment. I gather when theres a homecoming to probably wait a few days and then go see them afterwards. That space is so vital to spouses, but many parents dont announce you know, where did your tips come from and is it just experienced that youve learned this . Guest its experience. Its communicating with other military parents. Its growing a. I remember what it felt like when my dad left and i wasnt driving and taking on come and when it went to get in the car he just about had a heart attack. There are so many changes and there are so many things that happen in six months or nine months that changes your family dynamics. You really its like a plant that has to be cultivated and being gone really hurts the plants. So when they come home you need to have time where you can just kind of regroup. And i guess for me you know my husband went to afghanistan in 2008 and was therefore almost four years. And for two years i was at home and he was only coming home every six months. So i had a fresh experience in how that feels and how hard that is good and when i was in afghanistan trying to maintain communication and relationships with just my immediate family, its so exhausting. So i have maybe a higher level of appreciation for how precious that time is. While i love to come to homecoming, they need to invite me. I will never just go because that is a precious family time. Thats that Nuclear Family time. And i appreciate the fact that i am, we are no longer in a Nuclear Family. A lot of moms, thats hard. Like i said thats where motherinlaw jokes come from. But i expect, i think especially in my situation its the best. Because i want their marriages and their families to thrive despite the challenges that comes with being a military family. Host now you are a teacher and you decide at some point to go to kabul and teach. Walk me through that thought process and what inspired you to go do it. You do have a chapter that you make in the book. Guest as i said my husband lost his pension and then they raise the age for Airline Pilots to 65 so he already had to retire and no u. S. Airlines would bring back any of those pilots. To 2800 of them that ended up being left kind that occur. The only place they could go with the overseas. He ultimately took a job with an Afghan Airline and decided, we decided that that would be something, he was are excited about it because they were rebuilding a to International Standards and he had flown in vietnam. So it was kind of like the perfect and to his report he got to teach People Rocket avoidance again in his 60s. I went to visit him. It was the first summer where all the children were launched and i went to visit him. It was the summer of 2009 and we were taken on at war within the city but also out in the countryside. And by that point more and more of my childrens friends were deployed to afghanistan and it was really, i mean it was not a good time. But while i was there i just felt drawn into the people. The Afghan People are some of the most hospitable people on the planet. I can remember the day we were driving out in the countryside where they had that terrible attack last year but, and there were little small children on the side of the road begging. I just look at this little guy in his eyes and there was nothing i could give him. I just thought well maybe if i could be a teacher maybe i could come and teach that is because what is going to change is going to be education. That is the key to change in any country is as people become more educated. And it seemed like a crazy idea, but then as i came home more and more it just ripped me. I discovered there was a school the purpose of this goal was to teach english to afghan students so they could go on and go to europe or the United States and go to college and then come back to afghanistan. As luck would have it they needed an anatomy and and a financial Science Teacher what you happen to be able to teach. And i ended up securing a position. It meant giving up my tenured teaching position and it meant being, you know, 55 years old and totally doing something radical. But i just really felt called to do it. So i found myself in a headscarf and my toes covered and off i went to afghanistan. Host and you didnt live you were not able to live with her husband . Guest no. And i was hoping to see a more obviously. And as luck would have it, i saw him once a month the whole time. Because he was line between dubai and kabul in frankfort, and i know it sounds ridiculous but the airport was eight miles from the school. The school was on the western part of kabul and the airport was over here. And to get from here to hear you had to drive through the downtown area of kabul, which is very dangerous. And so many times security concerns were that i couldnt leave, or it might take three hours for him to navigate. He only had a 12 hour layover in so it really literally was many times he was just over there and i was here but i couldnt see him. So that was a difficult. I call it my deployment year. Im not saying i was deployed but for me it felt like a fraction of what it must feel like to be deployed, to be away from home, to be away from anybody you expect the notion history, to be in a place with no central heat, very little hot water, no mail and it was a rough year. There were bad things that happened, really bad things. Host you obviously were inspired to go help children over there and teach children but earlier you said you also love to have information. And in the book part of your sort of afghanistan stand stent was getting some information, knowing what was going on. You know how do you as a parent because you cant run off to afghanistan, how do you get that information . Guest well, and i wouldnt recommend running off to afghanistan at this point in time either. Its a different time and a different place even from when i was there. I think reading, finding books about that particular region. Like right now so many of us have sons and daughters were going to africa, and most of us i dont know that much about africa and the dynamics. I know a lot more about the middle east. Weeded out some of the history of whats on beyond so you can understand. Look it up and figure out what the physical geography district a number of people who talk to me about the sandbox, kandahar is in a sandbox but kabul is very much like denver surrounded by high mountains. Try and learn about it but not from not from what you get on a news kind of a show. Investigate, learn about it, learn about the history so you can understand. Then the next piece is learn about the people. Most people in afghanistan are not taliban. Most people, a lot of people just care about their families. And thats true from afghanistan we went to bangladesh. Same thing. Most moms in the world want their children to have a better life, and thats our humanity. And so thats what i recommend is become an educated parent and understand where your children are. Our boys had been in asia. I never do very much about okinawa. Now i know a lot more because i make myself a student of where they are. Host interesting. Image in a book he went to bangladesh. What guest so many stories. Host what did you do over their . Guest my husband transferred in august of 2011. He transferred to an airline in bangladesh. And so we went there. For me there are things as a woman in afghanistan, there are cultures, cultural prescriptions for how you can you become i could walk out by myself. I always had to be with the band and, of course, even with the securities concerns either love flexibility. But in bangladesh i could walk the streets of bangladesh which was like heaven to me. People were like, oh, my gosh are you kidding me . Have been . We just met so many wonderful, friendly people. We were very sad to leave bangladesh actually. But our kids were like okay, its time for you to come home. We are having grandkids. And i never thought i would do any of these things. We had a farm in ohio and we live pashtun we were going to retire in arizona where we met. We were going to be like normal people. Host so speaking of not knowing what youre going to do what could happen in your life you send a Christmas Card one year to the obamas. And tell us what happened after that. Guest well, because i care so much about military families, because not just my own children, and as i watch parents make that adjustment, as i watch our young sons and daughters get married and start having babies and i know how it feels to be struggling to hold on the homefront if youre a young wife or, you know, i worry about my grandchildren and how they cope. So i was always on the radar for anybody was doing anything to support military families. And i started following joining forces. Like, what a great idea. This is not political. This is bringing together anybody who can do their part whether its businesses, whether its universities and health care, doing research on brain trauma. We need to be able to support all these young men and women who have gone to serve and their families. And what a great idea. My daughterinlaw is a nurse. My mom had to get a new teaching license every place we were stationed and had to take arizona history and virginia history. So i just thought this is phenomenal. Im just going to write a thank you note and send a Christmas Card. And so i did that was actually when we were in anglo danish and i come home for christmas, and i sent my Christmas Cards and i went back to bangladesh for two months. I got home and i had this huge stack of mail. It was the height of the political campaigns. It was this calligraphy the envelope and i thought wow they are really doing some pretty fancy political, you know campaign literature. I almost didnt open it. And then when i opened it i was flabbergasted and i couldnt figure out why i would get an invitation to a state dinner at the white house. So the next morning, it was a monday, and i called the number and i said i have a question. They said you are invited. I said as this have anything to do with a Christmas Card . Everyone in the white house has read your card. Im like what did i say . I was just floored. It was it i called my husband and he was in bangladesh. I said you could get to come home. He said are you all right . I said really, there truly an invitation here. So we got him home and of course, you know, what do i wear . I live in eastern ohio. I went to the mall and tried on every formal dress they had. I had a whole course of sales girls with me shes going to the white house. I thought this is crazy. All of a sudden a day before the event, i turned to my husband and i said, we have been so busy think about what you have to wear what do we do who are we going to talk to . We dont know these people. Well, it turned out that when we got there at the very first person that we saw was the former commandant of the Naval Academy when our boys were there, and people were just so lovely. Host and thats general john alvin . Guest yeah. And then senator lugar and his wife have adopted as. People were just great. And so we were prepared ago and had her camera we were going to sit in the back and, of course, we take pictures of all these important people. And thats who it to the receiving line and mrs. Obama said oh, yes by the way you are sitting with us tonight. Who does that . You know, we are just military parents. We have a farm. We were just blown away. And we had a lovely night. Host now did you pick the purple dress . Did you wear a purple dress . Guest i wore a purple dress that night. Host explained to viewers what that means. Guest well purple is the color of join forces and when our daughter Cross Commission to the air force a commandant at that time he was then a captain and now he is an admiral, told me, he said you are the purple mom. You are the joint forces mom. And so i ended up taking a purple dress and then later on what is asked to introduce the first lady, i ended up wearing a purple dress. One that i already had in my closet that just happened to be purple. And i signed, when i do signings i signed with a purple pen because i have four children four branches, but its kind of even the bigger ideas that we all need to be a joint force to support our military and their families. Because they stand up for us everyday against enemies window and enemies we dont know. So purple is right up there on my list of favorite colors. Host so you go to the state dinner. Did you get involved with joining forces out of that or how did you then, follow want to buy because you introduce the first lady at the Democratic National convention in 2012. How did that come about . Guest you know what, i have no idea. I went back to doing my work with parents, and had the opportunity to meet with the head of joining forces we talked about their major initiatives one of which is Women Veterans end homelessness with Women Veterans. The other is the issue but that ptsd pics are starting to become very involved with learned more about ptsd because now classmates and friends of my sons were starting to exhibit symptoms. And what do you do when a mom calls you and says my son has ptsd and does want anything to do with me which is very typically a first sign, now isolation for people that you love. But life was going on. Life had gone back to normal and it was a onceinalifetime event that i was you become kind of a cinderella story. Adages kept on doing what i did. Action of an icon to call i thought it was for tour tickets because it said if you want to do a tour and i knew i had a son coming up for a reunion so i asked if i could get tickets for a white house tour. So thats what i thought it was about. Then when ultimately they asked me to do that the first thing that happens is my husband said, you know they could have opera oprah. They could have anybody that wanted. It was obviously overwhelming. Who, once again does that . But i wanted to be able to put, put a personal story with the expanded military family. For people to think about the fact that we are out here and whether we are moms or wives or husbands or children we sacrifice every day. And so i decided to say yes. That was a whole other experience. It was really it was really, i just couldnt help think but wonder what my dad would be saying. I pictured him watching from heaven. Hey, dad i hope im doing okay you know . Host you talk about ptsd tbi starting to get calls and questions. How have you approached that . When he began to sort of learn about those topics . And to be a source of advice for other moms other dads and how prevalent do you see the issue being . Guest being in kabul for the year, there were things that happened when i was there that he or that were very difficult. And i watched the staff that work with there, many of them are suffering from delayed ptsd. One of the things i learned from join forces is that sometimes it can be up to seven years after a traumatic event. And there was one circumstance where my husbands Layover Hotel was attacked and those on the phone with a Flight Attendant telling them what to do because they were barricaded in their rybicki was coordinating rescue. This all sounds like a movie, you know . Like i said, i feel like its not even my life sometimes, but for them to feel safe to come out. And so we went through a traumatic event distress or even where you talk through it and whatever. So that triggered my interest in the beginning. Then as more and more moms are starting to be concerned as my children are getting concerned about classmates were people that they know, i just started to do what i like to do what i started to research and i started to learn more. And as an educator i am very fussy about the brain. I took a course in neuroscience and education. The brain is plastic constantly wiring and constantly changing. So my counsel to parents who are concerned is to point them to certain organizations, especially anything about suicide. I love taps come and for grief counseling, and now i just had the opportunity to go to the institute of brain health at the university of texas where they are doing a lot of research and my big push is we need as much funding as we can. To get more, this is our last frontier, and the more we can understand about understand the brain, not only can we help those suffering from ptsd and tbi, but mental health, learning problems. Its just an enormous opportunity. Almost like going to the moon. But i think so much of what we are doing is we are reacting to behaviors, and we need to really focus on that holistic approach, what can we do to help find the area that has been damaged and fix it . And so i really am hoping that we can see Great Strides in that. Host speaking of injuries Wounded Warriors tbi theres a whole subset of parents, really to caregivers. Its also spouses and sometimes friends, but a lot of times somebody, a mom has to offer a 10 year old child has come back injured 18 year old child come as combat injured and they will be caregivers for a long time. Have you seen committee spoken with those parents and what programs are there that are available for them . Guest the book isnt just my voice. There are 25 of the military mom voices, and one of the voices is a mom who is caring for her tbi her son who has tbi. You know shes quit her job. She moved to washington d. C. So when he was at bethesda, and now what next . We have about 1 million caregivers and fully a third of those our are parents, and many of them are coming from areas where they havent had the benefit of a military background to understand what services are available to them and their whole lives have changed because they have they now are taking care of these terribly wounded children. I pray for them every day. Host blue star families, thats where point people is get connected, find other caregivers because another thing is people dont realize that caregivers are at much more risk for suicide as well. We have this terrible epidemic of veterans suicide, but caregivers. Did get somebody in your community that is a caregiver, really you need to be showing up at your door and saying what can i do to help you . Because this is a lifelong role that theyre going to have. So thats another thing really close to my heart. As you know i wrote perfect children, and some of us, with sons and daughters we dont even recognize. We need to be helping them, supporting them and pray, i pray for them every day. Host youre right about blue star families, which theres an association of people who have family members in the military. And you talk a little bit about gold star moms, gold star mothers. And gold star mothers are those whove lost a son or daughter. Very inspirational story into about a mom who is a gold star mother who was also a Naval Academy mom. Would you like to would you like to certain touch of lived on that . Guest i got to know her when she was complete bomb and discovered that, yeah lots of its the first big challenge that your child is going through without you. Si began to committee with her she has an older son who she lost in iraq. The younger son was five at the time, and the process of her coming to grips with the idea that she had this second son who wanted to serve, and she tells the story. Its very meaningful and now shes completely supportive of him but it was a really difficult journey for her. So, you know, im really proud of her for being willing to tell her story. Host we are coming to a close. Is there anything else you would like to add about your book and where its available and who you hope picks it up . Guest well its Available Online and all the major online retailers, amazon, barnes noble. Is available, target has it online. Is available in moscow, selected cosco. Is available at exchanges, and it is available in barnes noble. For example i will be at fort hood on saturday doing a signing host and or purple pen. Guest yes. And my purple pen. I encourage camp victory servicemember or have a serviceman i encourage you to buy this book for your mom for mothers day to show for that you got your support. And its for moms for people who want to understand the life that we live and its for anybody who has loved the military. Host thank you so much for joining us. Really appreciate it. Guest thank you. Asked