Transcripts For CSPAN2 After Words 20150420

That started a series of 14 years of me advising and encouraging and supporting the Naval Academy. Through this time i had two more children who decided to apply at the Naval Academy but now i had children on active duty. And so many parents say that you need to write this all down until after my husbands company declared bankruptcy, he ended up working for an airline in afghanistan and i followed him and i taught for a year in afghanistan, had a unique perspective of being a mom who have had children to play to afghanistan and now i was there at the same time that the rebels decided to join the military not through the Naval Academy and now i have four children while serving i have been in a war zone and when i came back people were saying that you need to write this down and i thought, well, i will write it down for my family and so i did and a parent said no you need to do more than that with this and the result was the book be safe, love mom amilitary moms storiesof courage, comfort, and surviving life on the homefront. Host so they are all serving in different branches of the service. How did that come about . Well, when you go to the Naval Academy you can select this, and there are unique opportunities to Cross Commission, so my daughter ended up Cross Commission into the air force primarily because she wanted to try to fly and she had a medical condition that was precluding her from doing that in the navy, but the air force have different standards. She also was very interested in space and she was allowed commission. So it was a total fluke that we ended up with children in every branch and it was never intentional. But, you know, it kind of sticks with each of their passion and with what they wanted to do in the active military duty service. Who do you feel your audiences with this book . Guest my first audience is military moms i speak for the moms and dads and many say what about us, and i say they i know do you that you care very deeply about your children, but my first audience is mothers. That they know that they are not alone. But they can be encouraged and inspired and we can share information. With my website, that is what im trying to do is will the community where mothers can be supportive and find information. Because we do not get Family Readiness rethinks, we dont live on a base we dont get that supported that comes from venice. So that is my first audience. My second audience is the Greater Community to say that i want you to understand what this is like, i want you to realize that its not the same as sending your children off to college, there are a lot of differences. And i just want you to understand that there are people around you that are carrying a heavier burden than it may appear and its what we do and we do it gladly because we love our country but it still is a heavy burden. And so i have to audiences. Host you grew up in a military family. Your father served in the army i believe, he went to vietnam. You write about your experience as a military child with her father deploying, can you talk about that . I am the oldest of seven and i went to 12 different schools and my father was in the Army Signal Corps and he met my mother when she was in the army as well and i joke about how my first duty was giving my mother in honorable discharge. Because in those days you couldnt have a child and be in the military as a woman. In my fathers first tour in vietnam he was an advisor, i really didnt have a concept of what that meant except halfway through was one there was a military coup that took over the government, and we started sending them in there, so the things started changing rapidly it was very difficult. I hear a lot of controversy about should troops be sent and i am like yes, the troops need to be sent, Everyone Needs to be sent because i grew up where i had to defend my father and even when i was in the late 70s. I was harassed, i was cat called and i was spit at when i would wear my uniform. And i dont ever want to go back to those days when feeling like you needed to apologize and defend your appearance because someone was calling them baby killers and that happened to me. So now as i look at the way that this current generation of troops are being valued, its heartwarming to me as a mother. And i think its a great thing. I have six younger brothers and sisters, some of them struggle with the constant moving and it was a very difficult time. On the other hand there is no place where i feel more at home than on the base or a coast and there was a connection between our family that was so tight because no matter where we were we had each other. Maybe not my dad, but we had our siblings and my mom and i really treasure that, i treasure the people that i met because you dont have to waste time trying to fit in everyone is ready to make a change. To that continues to be special to me. I find it interesting that you married someone who was in the air force when he got out he moved to a small town in ohio and i thought the whole concept of actually living in one place for a long extended timeframe is very frightening. So here you are going to raise children in one place for most of their childhood. Can you talk about that transition . I thought that that is what i wanted. I thought i wanted to know what it felt like to not have to pack one box every time we moved. And there is a part of that that is very comforting and i know who my mechanic is and who my doctor is but i dont weigh one people died by you are not looking in anyones car when he dont know anyone, but when you live in smalltown america everyone knows everybody. And the joke is to not come into my house in the dark because i do miss moving and being in new places and one of the ways i would cope with that is i would move furniture and im not just talking about moving a couch in the corner by turning the living room into the dining room to move the bedroom around. And he wouldnt even know what room to go to and that is always our running joke. But there are parts of it that are just wonderful and there are parts that i do feel like a dandelion that is the symbol and im ready to fly on and be in a new environment. How did that experience of growing up on a farm in ohio influence your children to go into the service if it did, and can you tell me a little bit about what you thought when your first son talked about joining the navy . One of the things that we did, we live in an area that is not military at all, but we have my dad and we were very fortunate because my husband flew for an airline and we were able to travel to visit them they heard this noise, we would come there a lot and we had a Family Tradition to come to the memorial day concert every year and we did that probably for eight years. When the songs will play, they would stand up for grandpa and for dad. And so we made sure that they knew the family would be of service and that this is something to be valued. Said they were exposed to that. At the same time my husband wanted them to learn how to work hard. Because he felt like that was preparation for life. If you can follow through and you can be responsible and work hard and into her discomfort theres a not a lot that can be thrown at you that would be hard to handle. So they learn how to feed the animals were they were allowed to eat, all of these things. Ultimately one eric spent his first summer at the Naval Academy, one of the letters was this was easier than being home bailing hay. So we thought, we succeeded and we have him prepared. But we knew from the time he was a little boy that he wanted to be top gun. My brotherinlaw was a Navy Recruiter and we would get boxes and posters and airplane pictures and my husband was like, wait a minute, hes going to go in the air force, i was in the air force, but he just had that dream and that vision. So as he got older we visited the academy and we looked at different options. Because he knew that he wanted to be in the military. When he was accepted to the Naval Academy i was all excited and so proud of him. He was realizing the beginning of his dream because theres a lot more to happen with he would get his wings. At the same time it wasnt until that very first day even though i had grown up in the military and i did it and i respected it as an institution the first day that it hit me that this was going to be totally different than any other military experience i have had up to that point. Up until that point had he been involved . We now have social media, have you already been contacting them up until that point where were you aware of this big group that is out there amax. Back in the day there was no facebook at that time. So it was probably april. And the kind of questions you ask, what do you need to brain what kind of tennis shoes do they need, all of that militia when you are a parent or a mom you do feel like you are in control because youre making sure that they have everything they need. And that is part of the reality of once they hit that door there is nothing else that i can do that is to prepare them anymore than i already have and now it is up to them. And for me that was very difficult because i wanted to be able to do everything that i needed to do for them to be successful. But the Apron Strings work cut they were hacked with a machete and that was up to him. And he was going to sink or swim based upon his passion and his ability to survive. And that was an immediate moment where we knew he was out of the nest two how much of a handson parent were you prior to match would you describe yourself as a helicopter mom amax. No, i call myself an eagle mom. We did a lot of things to have them be independent and to help them soya. And so we did not run interference for them when they had difficulty. It was like okay you signed up for this you are not quitting the team you need to work it out and show the coach what you can do. But anything they were excited are passionate about i was there for them. They were all involved in different sports, they did to me to be theater katrina decided when she was 13 that i wanted to climb Mount Everest i found an expedition that she and my husband to join, and then when she was 16 they climbed it. She raised the money herself. So i was that kind of supportive person and then if that is what you want to do lets go for it, but i did not buy dolls for them and i did not use my connections to help them improve their lot in life. My husband did not coach so they could get a better spot on the team. Until that is the perception that i get of the helicopter parents, instead of letting people fight their battles. And that is how i know that they are okay. Because i know that whatever obstacle comes in there path, i know that they have the internals goes to handle it. So do i sometimes feel like im standing on the sidelines biting my fingernails . You know of course. But i needed to have confidence that they are prepared for what is in front of them and my husbands goal was that as well and environment where independents and hard work is going to pay off. And sometimes it wasnt there, sometimes, you know, things happen where i really wanted to get more involved. But i held myself back because that was not going to help them. So now when i tell the Naval Academy parents is that you create helicopter parents when you dont give people enough information. Part of my goal is to give them information about what to expect. Because when i know what to expect, i can laugh and i can ease off i say the same thing to my grandchildren. If you dont want me hovering, give me some information. I just need to know that you are okay. If you tell me that you are okay then i dont need to hover at all. And now boils down to sometimes its once every two month especially when they are deployed, i dont expect to hear from them every day, im grateful for secondhand news from their spouses. But all i need to know is that it is okay. And then i back off. Host so at how to navigate this new world and culture. You had a background being in a military family, you probably encounter every day that since it is completely a foreign country, can you talk about the unique culture that is the military family and how hard it is to convey to brandnew parents and people who have just been listed, how do you sort of help them navigate this new world . We have a Facebook Page where i also write a new series. But its pretty much basic. For example, the military rules are rules, rules are not made to be broken. And i used to teach in the junior high and High School Environment and most of my students there are not used to that environment. I grew up only walking on sidewalks and never the grass and that is Second Nature to me. That was part of military order and discipline. The first thing is to explain that concept that whether you think it is a stupid rule or not or whether you want to express your individuality or whatever there is a reason why we need a chain of command and the reason why we need to follow that for good order and discipline. Every military unit in the world has to have that basic. So explaining to parents about this, they still need to do what they say because they are modeling behavior that later on in a time of war or a difficult time that they need to be able to count on people to do what they are supposed to do when they are told to do it. It is just basic truth. People that didnt grow up in a military many times dont have the confidence. As we get older and we look back we see the reason and the method in the madness why should people be trained to behave this way. Because there are times when its critical that they need to follow procedures. I go back to my son and his wife, and my husbands life. They have procedures that they have to follow in the event of an emergency to the letter in order to keep everyone on board or keep themselves safe and it is the same thing that they do in the military with nuclear weapons, or they have men and women in their command that they are responsible for, there is a reason why you need to follow the rules and procedure. So begins with that. The second part, especially when they are in a training environment, what are they going to do years from now. If they train to become officers, they are going to be responsible for other People Potential in life or death situations and it is important for them to be pushed in to know that they can perform even in the most difficult of circumstances. And so that is why they do these things that seem ridiculous because they need to know that they can be unemotional. At a time when most people would not. And if you have no control you can counsel and give advice, but if they have a medical problem the military is going to take care of it if they have a and leadership problem they need to take care of the situation they are dealing with. And that is probably the most difficult part of all of this. Is that you cant call the count is. [inaudible] i do now, in the beginning, the first time i went through it it was a shock. And now i am relieved, i dont have that to worry about. I have enough other things that i need to worry about. But for many when their son or daughter hits a bump in the road and they say this guy is doing this and whatever and its just like when they went on a bus the first time you just want to do it and you cant. You cant because its not appropriate. And thats what they need to take care of. And so that is one of the hardest parts and i think it also coincides when we start to redefine who we are. And i think your parents are still carrying, you just dont know what to expect when youre expecting and so that is where that water comes from. So how do we navigate this new world especially when we have children that are fiercely independent warriors. But they will always be my child. Not maturity levels but biologically. Lets talk about the experience of having your children go into combat zones war zones, a military that is at war, in the beginning there were discussions about obviously there are programs for families, who grants for spouses there are seminars there are Family Readiness programs, there are whole unit programs to help this. But i just sort of left out some of that, what was that like for you and what did you do to build your own community with other parents . Guest well there is something the first time that one of them went to a dangerous place i felt like i was underwater for that part of the time. Partly because i had been there before and i had had my dad, i had experienced that as a child it kind of was like a deja vu thing for me i dont sleep well when i have a child in that circumstance. I will have that dream is. So i decided very quickly that instead of responding to that i needed to be proactive to help manage the way that i felt. Because i knew that i had for four of them and i knew it was going to be taught. So i have a deep personal faith that helps me a lot and i also learned that it was really good for me to be busy doing something different. Each appointment i have had some kind of a project and one time i log as many miles as it would take to get to where i was deployed and back. Do you mean running lights . We would be very loosely it would be loosely described as running. I did complete the Marine Corps Marathon in 2003 in seven hours and 56 seconds very little lets just say there were no drinks and oranges and no one left at the finish line one across, but that is one example of a challenge that i needed to help myself manage the stress of having a child deployed a starter when my youngest was playing football and i didnt want to be that parent on the sidelines screaming at the coach. But now i use it as a meditation and then i tried to actively pray for each of my kids some of the other things that i do is i planted a garden and i have really tried and i know it sounds silly, but i really tried to take care of myself and i give myself permission to take a 20 minute nap or to understand that really i am Walking Around with an extra weight and i called my mother backpack and its there because the second that something happens to hear about something of afghanistan. And i am on red alert because that could be one of my kids and it has been some of my kids before. And so as that build and as they deploy again the backpack is heavier but finding connections to get it, having that person that i can call at 2 00 oclock in the morning my husband is very calm. And he is a great individual for me. And so sometimes just being able to talk to another mom and we are both kind of like this it is so helpful. And that is one of the reasons that i really wanted to reach out to other parents because we need to stay connected because we find support enough. And they have that unit already there, they have all of that like you said and we dont have that. So how can we build that network and find that support because i am just as worried. You into a program when your dad was deployed come out with your parents describe you as a warrior and . I dont think so, i was just very responsible and i carried a huge weight and i still do i feel huge weight of responsibility and my family. I was early helping my mom. And so i think she knew. And at that time i would never admit that i was worried about my dad ever. And in fact writing this book in some ways has been very hard because we do not talk about how hard things are we just suck it up and that is the way my family is. But i think she really needed a break and i needed something that would just give me a way to define myself, you know as a young adult and it was a great thing that i did it. Out of the four branches that are children serving duranty stand out as being more accommodating to parents were being more accommodating . Obviously there doesnt tend to be a lot of communication and theres not a need for it, but in this, would you talk about this . When my first son was a bachelor, he turned my name and i at least got the bulletin. But really nothing, everything depends upon if they can come to me. And that is why i say to my fellow moms be really nice to your daughter in laws. And i totally agree that they should be the first in line for information and they should be the one that gets most of the communication and that is how it needs to be. And im grateful for whatever they pass along to me especially when they are in situations when they dont have a chance to communicate to multiple people. There are interesting bits of wisdom that he passed on in this book and i try to pick up on one that is not under the list of tips, but your husband and you you go visit beforehand, well before, i gather one there is the homecoming you probably wait a few days and then go see them afterward. Where your tips come from and, you know, is it just experience . It is experience, its communicating with other military parents. I remember what it felt like when my dad left and when he came home and got a car company just about had a heart attack. There are so many things that happened in six or nine months that changed the dynamic and you really, its like a plant that has to be cultivated and being gone really hurts this. So when they come home, you need to have time when you can regroup. And so i guess for me my husband went to afghanistan in 2000 and eight and he was there for almost two years, and he was only coming home every six months. And so i have had a fresh experience of how that feels and how hard that is and when i was in afghanistan trying to maintain communication and relationships with just my immediate family, it is so going. So i never had a high level of appreciation of what that is. While i would love to come over, they need to invite me. I will never just go because that is precious family time. And i appreciate the fact that we are no longer in the nuclear family. Especially in my situation i have found that this is the best because i want their marriages and their families to thrive despite any challenges. You are a teacher and you decided at some point to teach. Walk me through that process and what inspired you to go do it. You do have a chapter that you mention and in the book. As i said, my husband had talked about this but he had already had talked about this there are 2800 that ended up kind of at the curb. And we decided that that would be you know he was very excited because they were rebuilding it to international standards. So it was kind of like the perfect end to his career, he got to teach people a voice again in his mid60s. I went to visit him and it was the first summer when all of the children were launched, it was summer of 2009 and we were taken on a tour with all of the city and by that point more and more of my childrens friends were deployed to afghanistan and it was really, it was not a good time. But while i was there i felt that i was drawn in to the people. And they had that terrible attack last year there were little small children on the side of the road and i just looked at this little guy and there was nothing i could give him and i just thought, well maybe i could be a teacher maybe if i could teach, because what its going to change is education, that is the key as people become more educated. And it seemed like a crazy idea but it just gripped me and i discovered that the purpose of the school was to teach english to afghan students so they could go to college and then come back to afghanistan. And as luck would have it they needed an anatomy and Environmental Science teacher which i happen to be able to teach. And i ended up securing a position. And that meant giving up my tenured teaching position and being 55 years old and doing something radical. But i really felt called to do it and i found myself in a headscarf and my toes covered and off i went to afghanistan. Host so you are not able to live with her husband. Guest as luck would have it i saw him once a month the whole time. The airport was over here and to get from here to here, you have to see this downtown area which is very dangerous. So many times security concerns were that i could not leave or that it might take three hours for him to navigate and he only had a 12 hour layover in so many times he was over there but i could not see him. And so i would call it [inaudible] but for me it felt like a fraction of what must you it must feel like to be deployed and to be away from home to be away from anyone who knows your history and to be in a place with very little central heat and it was a rough year. And there were bad things that happen, really bad things. You are obviously inspired to help children but earlier you said you would love to have information and the book is part of your afghanistan sent, knowing what was going on and how do you as a parent, how do you get that information . I wouldnt recommend running off to afghanistan either its a different time and place from i was there dash from when i was there. But i think that reading and finding in books about that particular reasoning, many of us and most of us i dont know that much about them and know a lot more about the middle east. Reading about some of the history of what is going beyond so that we can understand, look it up and figure out what is the physical geography. Kandahar is in the sandbox but they are very much surrounded by high mountain. Try and learn about it but not found the experiment will begin on a new kind of show, learn about the history so that you can understand and then the next step is to learn about the people. Most people, a lot of people care about their families and that is true from afghanistan to bangladesh. Most moms want their children to have a better life and that is our humanity and that is what i recommend. Become an educated parent and understand where your children on a. I never knew very much about okinawa, but now i know more because i make myself a student of where they are. You mentioned that you went to bangladesh. What did you do over there . I husband transferred in august 2011, he transferred to an airline in bangladesh. So we went there. And for me there are cultures, culture or prescription i could walk the streets and its like, oh, my gosh, and its like we just met so many wonderful and friendly people and we were very sad to leave bangladesh. And its like its time for you to come home, we are having grandkids. [laughter] and i never thought that i would do any of these things. You know we wanted to live as normal people. Speaking of not knowing what youre going to do or what is going to happen in your life, you sent a Christmas Card one year to the obama family and can you tell us what happened after that remap. Because i care so much about military families and not just my own children and watch something daughters get married and i know how it feels to struggle to hold down the homefront and i worry about my grandchildren and how they cope so i was always on the radar for anyone who is doing anything and i started following joining forces and i thought, what a great idea, this is not political, this is bringing together everybody that can do their part whether its businesses worry universities and health care, doing research on brain this is we need to be able to support the young men and women who have gone to serve and their families and what a great idea. My daughterinlaw is a nurse. My mom had to get a new teaching license everyplace we were stationed in so i just thought that this is phenomenal, im going to write a thank you note and send a Christmas Card and so i did. And that was actually when we were in bangladesh and id come home for christmas and i sent my Christmas Cards and i went back there for a few months and i got home and i had this stack of mail and it was the Political Campaign and here was this calligraphy envelope and i thought wow, they are doing them fancy Political Campaign literature and i almost didnt open it. And then when i opened it i was flabbergasted when i could not figure out why i would did an invitation to a state dinner at the white house. So the next morning it was a monday and i had called the number, and i said i have a question. And i said does this have anything to do with the Christmas Card. Everyone has read your card and i thought, what did i say. I was just floored. And it was i called my husband coming he was in bangladesh, and i said youre going to have to come home and i said no really, theres an invitation here. So of course what do i wear . I live in eastern ohio, i tried on every formal dress and i had a course of sales girls with me and shes going to the white house, and it was crazy. Then all of a sudden the day before the event i turned my husband and i said that we have been so busy thinking about what we have to win would we do who are we going to talk to you. We dont know these people. And when we got there the very first person i we saw was the former commandant of the Naval Academy and people were just so lovely. And then the senator and his wife kind of adopted us and people were just so great. So we were prepared we we were going to send them back in the corner so we could take pictures of all of these important people. And that is when we went through the receiving line and mrs. Obama said youre sitting with us tonight and i thought, wow, who does that. We are just military parents we have a farm, we were just blown away. And we had a lovely night. Did you pick the purple dress . Did you wear the purple dress . Purple is the color of joint forces and when our daughter was in the air force, the commandant at that time the admiral told me that you are the joint forces mom. The purple mom. And so i ended up taking a purple dress and then later on when i was asked to introduce the first lady i ended up wearing a purple dress. One that i already had in my closet that does happen to be purple and i sign with a purple pen because i have four children, four branches, it is even a bigger idea that we all need to be a joint force to support our military and their families. And so its way up there on my list. So you go to the state dinner. Did you get involved after that . And how did that come about . No, i have no idea. I went back to doing my work with parents and i had the opportunity to meet with them so i can talk about the initiatives the other issue about this dramatic stress disorder, so i was starting to become very involved with learning more about it. Because now classmates and friends of my sons what do you do when a mom calls you and says that my son has systematic stress disorder and he doesnt want anything to do with me. Or mrs. Typically firsttime isolation from people that you love but life was going on like ive gone back to normal and that was a onceinalifetime event and kind of my cinderella story and i just kept on doing what i did. And actually when i got a call i thought it was for tickets. They had said if you want to do this, and i knew i had a son coming up for a reunion, had asked if i could get tickets for white house tour. Because that is what i thought it was about. And then ultimately they asked me to do that in the first thing that happened was my husband said, you know, they could have opera and i thought yeah thats true, they could have anyone they wanted. And it was obviously overwhelming. Once again who does that . That i wanted to be able to put a personal story with the extended military Family Community and the people who think about the fact that we are out here, whether we are moms or wives or husbands or children and we sacrifice it every day and so i decided to say yes. And that was a different experience as well. And i just couldnt help think what my dad would be saying and i pictured him watching from heaven. You talked about this with calls and questions, how have you approached that, what have you done to learn about those topics and to be a source of advice for other moms and dads and how prevalent do you see the issues being . Well, you know being where there was things that happen at the time when things were very difficult, many are suffering from posthermetic stress disorder and one of the things that i learned is that sometimes they can be up to seven years after a dramatic event and there was one circumstance where my husbands hotel was attacked and i was on the own with the Flight Attendant trying to talk about what to do because they were barricaded in their room and it sounds like a movie. Then we went through a dramatic event where you talk through it and so that triggered in my interest in the beginning then the more and more are starting to be concerned as my children are getting concerned about housemates and people that they know and i just started were started to research and learn more took a class about the brain about how its constantly rewiring and changing. So my counsel to parents that are concerned is to appoint them to certain organizations and now i does have the opportunity to go to the institute of ring hollow at the university of texas where they are doing a lot of research and we are doing as much as we can and this is the last frontier, the more we can understand about understanding the brain, not only can we help those suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury but it is just an enormous opportunity almost like going to the moon and i think so much of what we are doing is reacting we really need to focus on that holistic approach what can we do to help find the area that has been damaged and fix it. And im really hoping that we can make Great Strides in that. Speaking of injuries, Wounded Warriors theres a whole subset of parents and caregivers. And its also spouses and sometimes friends. You know, a lot of times theyre going to be there for a long time. What programs are available for them. Its not just my voice some of the 25 other military mom voices and one is her son has to matter ring injury and she has quit her job and now what next . We have about a million caregivers and a third of those are parents. And many are coming from areas where they havent had the benefit of a military background to understand what services are available to them in their whole life has changed because they have no been taking care of these terribly wounded children. They have a Caregivers Program and so that is where i say we can get connected, im the other kids kids are at much more higher risk for suicide as well. And if you have someone in the community that is a caregiver you really need to show up at the door saying what can i do to help you because this is a lifelong role that they are going to have and that is another thing that is close to my heart and some of us come home with sons and daughters that we dont even recognize and we need to keep holding them and supporting them and i pray for them every day. You write about family is and you talk a little bit about gold star moms. And these mothers are those who have lost a son or daughter and theres an inspirational story about a mother who is a gold star mother and is also an academy mom, would you like to touch on that . Two yes i got to know her when she was a mom and i discovered that, you know as i began to communicate with her she has an older son who she had lost in iraq and the process of her coming to grips with the reality that she tells the story and its very meaningful and now she is completely supportive of it but it was a really difficult journey for her. And so im really proud of her for being willing to tell her story. We are coming to a close is there anything else you would like to add. Well my book is Available Online with online retailers like amazon, barnes noble its available and target has it online, its a veritable den it is available at costco and barnes noble. Ive always signed books in purple pen. And i encourage you to buy this book for your mother for mothers day to show her that you value her support it and its from others who want to understand the life that we live in for anyone who loves the military is well. Thank you so much for joining us elaine lowry brye, its lovely to talk talk with you. And its day two of booktvs