Transcripts For COM The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore 20160519

Here it is, your moment of zen. Its not that bad. Everybody thought it was sort of but its not. Its not that combover, i actually comb it ak. There is no receding hairline there. Its not there, it say tiny reasons its good. I am getting a little bit older. Its not that bad. Are you a little surprised. Comedy central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause larry thank you very much thank you very much what a great crowd tonight. Welcome to the nightly show. Im larry wilmore. This crowd wants to be thoroughly entertained tonight, you guys, thoroughly entertained. And were going to do it. My buddy Anthony Anderson from blackish is on the panel love that guy. Now listen, im as sick of this president ial election as anyone. Well, almost anyone. This is Mary Anne Noland. And this is her obituary that ran yesterday in the Richmond Times dispatch. This is true, okay. Faced with the prospect of voting for either donald trump or hillary clinton, Mary Anne Noland of richmond chose, instead, to pass into the eternal love of god on sunday, may 15, 2016, at the age of 68. cheers and applause now thats keeping it 100. Right there. Man oh, man. This election crap will be over in six months, everyone. Theres light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep moving towards the light. No, not that light not that light except for you, mary anne move towards that light yes, yes. As for the rest of us, its time to check in with the unblackening. While the democrats split their primaries, donald trump won the oregon primary easily. Although, winning 67 percent of the vote in an uncontested primary is actually not that impressive. laughter really, look, if i was playing basketball by myself, and the other team still managed to get 33 point on me. Id be worried. Man, i have horrible defense, terrible. But credit where credit is due. Trump is winning, and so its time for a pivot from terrifying deranged loudmouth psychoclown to cuddly, electable loudmouth psychoclown. Enter megyn kelly, who interviewed donald in a primetime fox special last night. Thats right, kellytrump. Its this generations frostnixon interview, but with less sexual tension. laughter hey, man, i was there for the original. America was clamoring for that frostnixon smooch. But they were total pros about it. All right, megyn kellys a hardhitting takenoguff tellitlikeitis journalist, im sure last night, she really hit donald hard on the issues that matter most. Yes, you are. The thing that gets me in trouble is retweets. The retweet is really more of a killer than the tweets. The tweets i seem to do pretty well with. You retweet some of those. Its not just the fans. Yeah, but not the more nasty ones. You would be amazed at the ones i dont retweet. laughter larry were talking about retweet. Retweet is not the button im most worried about trump having his lilliputiansized finger on. But im sure megyn eventually got to the real issues, the ones that really affect americans in their dayto day lives. Lets talk about us. Okay. We were always friendly. Right, Good Relationship laughter larry no. Why are we talking about your relationship . I honestly dont care about your relationship. Youre not ross and rachel. Youre not cookie and lucious. Youre not whoever they are. I dont watch big bang theory. How i met your mother. You know this. No, youre a journalist and a president ial candidate well, okay, technically Abraham Lincoln and helen thomas were a couple for a while. But nobody knew that. White House Press Corps inside joke, everybody. Thats for my cspan peeps. And this is the first you and i have ever discussed what happened between us over the past nine months because you and i did not talk about that. We never discussed it, no. No, we didnt discuss it. Any regrets . Any regrets . Is this an interview or the awkward meetup after youve broken up . Maybe she left some c. D. s at your house. Shes trying to get them back. You left some trump steaks at her place, hoping theyll be returned. Uh, absolutely, i have regrets. I dont think i want to discuss what the regrets are, but absolutely i couldve done certain things differently. Larry seriously, are they trying to hook up one last time . Thats what it sounds like. Hello were here, you guys were still in the room, guys you probably had some pretty nasty tweets sent your way. You retweet some of those. Its not just the fans. Yeah, but not the more nasty ones. You would be amazed at the ones i dont retweet. Bimbo . Uh, well, that was a retweet. Yeah, did i say that . Many times. Oh, okay. Excuse me. laughter applause larry remember that time when i called you a bimbo and you were all like stop and i was like, what . I just retweeted it. And you were like yeah, but that hurts my feelings. And i was like, no it doesnt. You got blood coming out of your wherever. And you were all, like, gross. Remember that . Remember that . I have Great Respect for you, that you were able to call me and say, lets get together and lets talk. To me, i would not have done that. I want to compliment you on your desperation and your complete lack of journalistic integrity. Thank you for that. applause no offense, fox, but were not interested in Donald Trumps relationship to megyn kelly. Were interested in Donald Trumps relationship to the truth. And thats a very abusive relationship. I cant even get it out of my mouth and the American Media has become the enablers. I mean, look, i get it, megyn kelly. You want to be oprah. You want to be barbara walters. I dont mind you codeswitching. You want to get away from your fox and friends. I get it. But you cant do it with this guy. A journalist should not have to apologize to someone running for president in order to get an interview with him. If anything, this orange trolltaint should have to apologize to the American People for not ever saying anything substantive this entire election cycle. cheers and applause and by the way, by the way. If a president ial candidate is so afraid of you and upset with you that he doesnt want to sit down with you for a year, thats a good thing that means youre doing your bleep job man applause now, look, after the election, after trump has hopefully lost, then you can go to trump tower and ask him all the softball questions you want, but until then, trump shouldnt be sitting down with lightweight megyn kelly. He should have to answer questions from this megyn kelly. Youve called women you dont like fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals. You once told a contestant on celebrity apprentice, that it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. Does that sound like the temperament of a man we should elect as president . Larry thats right. I want to see fire coming out of your. ù wherever. Well be right back. cheers and applause out out get get get grrr did you find everything okay, sir . Whaaaaat . By switching to xfinity x1. Rio Olympic Games show me gymnastics. X1 lets you search by sport, watch nbcs highlights and catch every live event on your tv with nbc sports live extra. Im getting ready. Are you . X1 will change the way you experience nbcuniversals coverage of the rio Olympic Games. Call or go online today to switch to x1. cheers and applause larry welcome back. After their recent win, Oklahoma City Thunder Center and new zealandborn steven adams the n. B. A. s khal drogo showed off his kiwi flavor. For you as a big to get out on the perimeter and chase these guys around, how much of a challenge is that . Man, i dont envy guards, mate. Theyre quick little quick little monkeys, those guys. Hey, congratulations. Good game, man. game, yup. Larry that was kind of bad. But, guys, it was worth it for the micromoment when espns Chris Broussard stares into middle distance and decides to soldier on. Can we show that again . Quick little monkeys, those guys. Hey, congratulations. Good game, man. game, yup. Larry look at his face oh, my god that giant is racist. Im like, you see me. You see that im black, and you still go for quick little monkeys . You dont even look me in the eye when you say it. While were on tv talk about passiveaggressive. Way to test a bleep s professionalism, man. Of course, people were offended, and adams responded to the flak. He said that differences in the use of language in his home country led to his poor choice of words. Adams, who is of english and tongan descent, told usa today, it was just a poor choice of words, mate. But im truly sorry. Larry weak tea, mate it was a poor choice of words, but youre sorry . Well ,which one is it . If it was a misunderstanding, then you clear it up. Why are you apologizing . But i get it. Theres a lot of confusion when people come over here from other countries and dont understand why certain things are inappropriate. And because this is such a problem, our very own mike yard has begun teaching a racial sensitivity class to people new to america. Lets check in with him now. Mike yard, everybody hey, mike hey, larry welcome to my class, how to avoid getting beaten to within an inch of your life by a brother in america 101. laughter larry wow. Thats a very aggressive title there, mike. Listen man, you have to be real direct with these bleep . For example, hey class. Remember when i said it was customary in america to give an apple to your teacher . I said apple. Its not just any fruit. bleep whoever gave me this. Larry o. K. , so a foreigner who just likes watermelon needs to be told, keep it to yourself. Exactly, larry. Now, let me bring up one of my students to demonstrate what i teach in this class. This is dimitry. Hes new to our country. Larry hey, two black peoples. No big deal ok, dimitry, calm down. Youre trying too hard. Now, lets talk about some basic racial traps. Lets say you get a delicious box of Fried Chicken, and you see a starving black person on the street. What do you do . Is easy. Give the black persons some chickens to save their lifes larry oooh. Man, you cant do that thats a good way to get beaten to within an inch of your life. Because chickens is stereotype and stereotypes is bad. Damn right. Best to just let him starve. Larry wait, no, no, no. Starve . Mike, im not sure thats the best advice. Okay, what are some other lessons . Situational awareness. You need directions to times square, and you see me on the street, what do you do . I approach you, look yous directly in eyes and okay, let me stop you right there. You already got bleep . Your first mistake never make eye contact with a brother you dont know. Especially you dont know. No eye contact, yes. Larry thats a really good point, mike. A lot of people dont know that point. So how do i get directions . Cross the street and use google maps. Dont waste my time, bleep dont waste time, bleep larry mike, you have him saying a lot of extra stuff they dont think is important. I dont know if these are the proper lessons. Trust me, larry. Im saving his life. Pop quiz the stereotype is that black men have bigger dicks. True or false . Stereotypes is bad, so. False . bleep , i will beat you to within an inch of your life larry mike, mike, calm down true . True . Do your research, son that bleep is science. Larry its okay, its okay. Larry next question the n word. Larry lets not go there. Mike yard and one of his students, everybody. Students, everybody. Dont go there, mike. Freedom is in the air. Students, everybody. Dont go there, mike. Because now youre free to watch your directv with unlimited data from at t. So snowbound family, youre now free people stuck in this elevator. Man in a trunk. Guy caught in a spider web. And couple trapped in this relationship youre all now free to enjoy a whole bunch of stuff seize the data get unlimited data when you have at t wireless and directv. Switch and get up to 650 credits, per line. Pa, wiland how he savede story Fried Chicken forever . By making it the hard way . Which means using fresh whole chickens from american farms. A milk and egg wash. Hand breadin in a slow fast food patented, pressurefrying process that takes no less than twentyfive minutes. And how cantankerous, fastidious, and handsome he was daddy . Daddy . Okay. See you when the rooster crows. Colonel quality, guaranteed. Larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. First up, nightly show contributor ricky velez. cheers and applause and nightly show contributor holly walker. cheers and applause he stars in blackish, and his new movie barbershop the next cut, is in theaters now, Anthony Anderson. cheers and applause and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter nightlyshow using the hashtag tonightly. So earlier in the show im sure you saw the video Oklahoma City thunder said this after the game for you as a big to get out on the perimeter and chase these guys around. How much of a challenge is that . I dont envy those guys. Quick little morningies, though guyses. Congratulations, good game, man. Larry yes, he apologized for his comment. Cow think he needed to apologize for this . You know yes, larry, he needed to apologize. Apologize or apologize first both. He needed to apologize for calling black men monkeys. Well and then, two, clear it up by saying, well, you know, how the capito hell can you clear i . Who did he call a monkey . He couldnt have called Clay Thompson a monkey. Yes, thats my point. Unless he called him an albino monthy. And in my research on this subject, i found out that, that is the new what word are we looking for racial slur for white people. Larry is what . We can call him albino monkey. Look it up im not making it up what do you mean look it up . Google albino monkey. Its the new racial slur against white folks. Larry somebody wrote it down and googled it doesnt mean its true. Anything on google, i read it, i believe it. You have to stop using urban dictionary. bleep dictionary. That was the white mans dictionary. Dictionary. Larry was it racist or just awkward . Thats what i was saying. Awkward is when he was trying to give one of the black teammateaise high5. Thats racist. Larry you think it was racist, too . To a point. Its not come on hes from new zealand yes i dont think i thought it was just awkward. And im going to give him a pass because he had just spent the night chasing around black men. Careful. And, and no, no, no chasing around black men, and i have said some very awkward things after chasing around black men myself so i will give him a pass that being said what, awkward thing have you said or called these said black men after the chase . If i catch them, hallelujah. laughter awkward at the time. Im not going to mention any names, but there are some players on the Golden State Warriors that are point guards that do look morvegyesque. Why can you say that . Im a black man im part monkey, according to him no, no, no, not according to him according to who . Larry youre saying a black person can call another black person a monkey . Thats not what i said, larry . Gl it is what you just said. I did not say it was cool for a black man to call another black man monkey. I said they are monkeyesque. I did not its the same. I did not mention no names i called them monkeyesque. I just want to make it clear. Im not calling you a monkey. Im just saying you give off a monkey thing. Morvegyesque. There is a monkeyness that is around you. And white guys, you are white monkeyesque. Larry albino monkey. No, albino monkeys. All right, albino monkeys. Im remember that. Larry if somebody doesnt intend something. If there is no intent of malice, why do they have to apologize . I think you have to apologize because its the right thing to do. Because if you dont apologize, then youre donald trump. Oh, and applause then youre just a baboons ass. There you go, there you go. Larry but he intends to say horrible things. Thats his intent. I dont think this guy intended thats another bleep thing i want to talk about. Larry please, go ahead. This dude was still out of breath from the game. He was sweating. Larry right. Everybody is like, i would never say that. Well, you dont play professional basketball and know the stress of walking out you think the stress made him say monkey . I think the of a microphone thrown in your face after steph curry all game might be a problem, yeah. Hes so stressed hes like, monkey. Basketball, monkey, monkey. Im just curious, how many monkeys has he chased in his lifetime . Are they native to new zealand . I dont think monkeys are native to new zealand. Gl what youre saying is hes not drawing on actual monkeychasing experience. I dont know. Larry hes envisioning a monkeychasing scenario in the moment. Me has to. Is his apology sincere or is it, hey, i have to say some bleep because i have on get back into that locker room . Well, he has to keep his job because hes from new zealand, and the only jobs back there are being a hobbit, so, like, you have to. So i think it was or a monkey chaser. Or a monkey chaser. Thats right. Larry what animals are okay to compare people to . laughter if monkey monkeys are off the t . Honey badger. All right . Sweet honey badger. A wilder beast. Youre going to call another man a honey badger . Another man is already being called honey badger. Hes at l. S. U. Why would you describe anybody as animals . Were bleep humans. bleep dont make sense to me. Larry i aint mad at honey badger. I mean, if were going to take monkey off the table, weve got to take everything off the table and now were being racist towards morningieies and thats bleep ed up. Not at all, not at all. I walked in behind her, and her back like a greyhound. Okay. Larry a dprai hound . A greyhound. Larry a greyhound. Larry holly you get the last word. I get the last word . That was a good word. You can chase me, too, holly. Larry ill be back with my honey badgers and monkeys right after this. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and all the other guys are talking about these days is how good their coverage is. But only one network is giving you more than just great coverage. Tmobile only tmobiles lets you stream video and music for free not only that, but we doubled our lte coverage in the last year. Thats right our coverage now stacks up with anybody. Including verizon and at t. So now you can get rid of the other guys and get great coverage from tmobile. We got you covered. And we wont stop the captivating lexus rc, with available 306 horsepower. This is the pursuit of perfection. Pa, wiland how he savede story Fried Chicken forever . By making it the hard way . Which means using fresh whole chickens from american farms. A milk and egg wash. Hand breadin in a slow fast food patented, pressurefrying process that takes no less than twentyfive minutes. And how cantankerous, fastidious, and handsome he was daddy . Daddy . Okay. See you when the rooster crows. Colonel quality, guaranteed. Okawhoa ady . [ explosion ]