Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause . Larry hows it going. Thank you very much. Cheersz plaws thank you. Larry hey, everybody, all right. Shut the [bleep] up, you know what im saying. Nice to be here in 2016. Its a long way from 1976. All right. Good to be here. I heard yall got an election going on, right . Whos running . The battle for the nomination intensify, Hillary Clinton and senator Bernie Sanders are fighting for the empire states 247 democratic delegates. Larry you got some mama running . Okay. Wait, hold on. Is that bernie . Oh [bleep] oh [bleep], thats my boy no, hold on im telling you, mother [bleep], he was me, huey newton protesting in oakland in 73ee. Damn, im shocked that [bleep] is still alive. Bernie was old in my time, right . I got him number two in the pool right behind san diego chickens. Life span of chickens is only 7, 8 years. [bleep] damn, all right, you got a lady one running, thats cool, thats cool. Man, i wonder what the current president thinks about that. People expect the president of the United States dg. Larry hold on, hold on, hold on. laughter nows that [bleep]s not funny. Thats not funny, mother [bleep]. I said show me the president , not a brother talking about the president. Who is that, the president of the naacp or some [bleep] i dont know that mother [bleep]. Show me the president of the United States. People expect the president of the United States and the elected officials in this country to treat these problems seriously. Larry shut the front door. laughter that is the president . Damn 2016 soul daddy just got a pride boner, right . Right . Damn i guess the black panthers came through. I told you they would. I knew american would embrace them after a while. Good job mother whreep bleep, you fixed racism, good on you. Thats some good [bleep] man, all right who else is running. When mexico sends its people, theyre not sending their best. Theyre bringing drugs. Theyre bringing crime. Theyre rapists. Larry i [bleep] i guess you didnt fix racism, right . This [bleep], you know what im talking about, right . Wait, hold on a second. Hold on, that trump cat looks just like this honkie named donie that i partied with back in my day. Donie is crazy hold on, donie is crazy, his dad sells rae and [bleep] like that i could swear that is him, back in the summer of 75ee we were at studio 54 and lee majors and icek from the love boat, this is true. I saw donie snort cocaine off the six Million Dollar mans diyk. Im not making this [bleep] up. Thats some true [bleep]. He got a bionic dick too. laughter let me tell you something, 5 million of that 6 million went into that dick, i tell you that. Thats a fact. That is a fact. All right, whats going on next. Lets see. All right. Next story is about some babies and [bleep]. All right. Plump little sex trophies, that is what i call them. All right, babies, what you been up to. San francisco now the first u. S. City to mandate sixweeks of paid leave for new parents. cheers and applause . Larry you guys like that [bleep], huh . Too bad that is only for the mamas right. The new law applies to those men and women. Larry [bleep] damn six weeks of paid leave forked daddies too, with the number of ladies i got pregnant [bleep] i would have 300 weeks off just last year. Thats crazy, man. Not that crazy [bleep] surprising me from sandy franny, the birth place of risea roni, right . Let meal tell you something, you ever mix ricea roni with some blew curacao and crushed up rhino horn . Thats the San Francisco treat. Right . We got some high mother [bleep] there, right . Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Give me your number, baby. Give it to me later. Lets keep on truckin. Show me the next story. All right, rampaging radioactive wild boa ars causing havoc near fukushima new clear plant. I knew that was going to happen in 72ee. I called that. 2016, that is the onestory you got that makes sense. That aint [bleep] man. Now we get to my top story, this is absolutely true. Sex toy causes bomb scare in german gambling hall, all right. This is a true story, yall thsm is from 2016. Some guy left his batterypowered penis ring in the bathroom. They had to evacuate, right . Okay. Right, that is some crazy [bleep]. So i want to know, what kind of world is this where you cant leave your [bleep] ring behind in a german gambling hall, right, without everybody getting all up in arms. You know, come on now, thats what [bleep] rings are for. You use it and you pay it forward, right . Man. Its like, its like those, what are those lil penny dishes at the convenience store. Take [bleep] ring, leave a [bleep] ring, you know what i am saying. I dont understand this [bleep]. We got a [bleep] we got a saying in 1976. If you lover a [bleep] ring, let it go. If it comes back to your wang, then it was always meant to be. laughter all in all looks like 2016 is just as freaky deaky and dyn0mite at 76ee. Well be right back with a little bit more. Little bit more. cheers and applause i got the discounts dothat you need l safe driver accidentfree everybody put your flaps in the air for me go paperless, dont stress, girl i got the discounts that you need safe driver accidentfree everybody put your flaps in the air for me i cant lipsynch in these conditions. Savings oh, yeah so we brought in worldrenowned brainiac, to help him. N taxes. Take your finger and press it right here. Sfx camera shutter, buzz, bloop. Yay, you got it. Intuit turbo tax. Thank you so much. Did you say honey . Hey, try some . You know im always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios. Well youve come to the right place. Mind if i have another taste . Not at all mmm part of a complete breakfast can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. Larry welcome back. Thanks [bleep]. Appreciate it. This is soul daddy bringing you all my soul from 1976. Now look, i got to bring up this whole chick running for president thing again. I mean i get it i voted for shire chisholm in 72. And i always report supported ladies in position of power like reverse cowgirl. That is a powerful position, right . But the question is is america ready for such a big change. So anyway we need to rap about this. I brought two cats from back in my time to debate this the way yall do it on cable these days. Here is another out of sight installment of please welcome nightly show contributedders mike yard and rory albanese. All right, gentlemen, tonights topic is america ready for the first female president. Mike, will you take the pro, and you will be against lady president. Ready . Groovy, my brother. Larry, you going to show us photos of these proposed lady president s because i would like to nominate susan anton. Jain kennedy, baby. Larry calm down, dogs. Calm down, those chicks arent going to be at the show, okay. Now lets vay good debate, yall look, a chick president would be righteous, they just as a as men and because they have been held back by the man they are copacetic with the struggle. No way, ladies are a secret sacred species that must be protected, okay. Like the american buffalo, you know what im talking about. Everybody hates the president but who doesnt love the ladies, right. I dont want a ladys finger on the button. I want my finger on her button, come on. Hold on, after i buy her a nice dinner, of course, im not a dog right, come on. Yes, you are a dog. Okay, kus women can do whatever they put their minds too, brother. They can even drive trucks and operate cbst on their own yeah. Whats up, foxy lady. That is equal rights, baby. Right on. Why would a broad even dig being the prez, man. When she can be the first lady like that brick house betty ford. Damn, man. I will take a slice of that cake any day. She is the first lady, not a piece of cake. Then why does she taste so sweet. What . Did you [bleep] betty ford . All right, cats. Well talk about you [bleep] first lady later. That noise means its time to switch sides and argue the opposite [bleep]. Because remember this is a jive turkey argument of the type that they do on cable. Hold on sucker, hold on one second. My future self warned me about this here, okay. This is where you always try to make me look like a real jive ass. Come on, dont trip, my future self does that, this soul brother is going to cut you some slack jack. All right, all right. Larry all right, now rorie you are going to dig on a chick president , mike you will be against mamas ever being seen as equal. Right . Larry all right. And begin. Okay. Look, america is not ready for a chick president because no theres no chick governors, theres not even chick senators. A women wouldnt be seen as qualified to be our commanding chef. Typical nixon surrogate mike yard rears his head again, ranging on women as usual. Just because they havent done it doesnt mean they are not going to be great at it. Wait a minute. Thats not fair. Look always im saying is there is no way america is ready for a fine fille to be prez because women just arent seen that way. Like okay, if your mama wants to be in the senate. What. Hold on now, hold on now, oh, hold on now, all im saying is if your yo mama wanted to be in the senate, that would feel weird because you see her as your mama. Why you bringing my mother into this right now. Larry yeah, yeah, mike, why you got to talk about his mama. Thank you, larry. Hold on now cat daddy, hold on. I just mean that there is just no way to just walk into a job that hard. Thats all. Really, mike. You know whats hard, become a wife, all right. Raising the kids. Bringing home less bacon than the man for the same work. Thats why the presidency is going to be a cinch for a lady, am i right, sisters, come on. cheers and applause . Larry right on, roy, right on. Stand up for the ladies. And the winner is rorie because he is gets it with girls equal rights. He gets it. If you dont mind i would like to celebrate my win by inviting all the ladies in your audience back to my pad for some fondue and pcp. Larry all right, everybody is invited. I cant believe you, larry, you lied to you me brother, i trusted you. Larry shut up, you are going back to the worm hole. Come on, larry. You know turkey, sukkah. Larry this has been another stone call episode of pardon the integration. Mike yard, rorie albanese. Everybody, love, peace and soul. Well be right back. 5hour energy® presents. Why are you so tired . Ahh, the after lunch food coma. Weve all been there. You had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. Now, youre trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs. Without the boss catching you. Next time, grab a great tasting 5hour energy® shot. Itll help you stay alert and productive. No matter whats on the menu. Now is the time for 5hour energy®. Ovmake for endlessle flspoonfuls of funam Sour Patch Kids redberry blast. Baskinrobbins flavor of the month. Try it today larry welcome back. Im here with my panel, nightly show cat ricky velez. And nightly show chick holly walker. And this cat over here is the cnn anchor in the networks chief washington correspondent as well as the anchor of cnn work day lead shoap jake tapper and host of the state of the union. He is dyn0mite. Hes the coolest of cats. Hes jake tapper. And for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter at nightly show using the hashtag tonightly, whatever that means. I have no idea. All right. We are going to do things different tonight. Were going to do like a key swap party, you know what a key party is . They still do that . You must [bleep] do it, right . All right, here is how it goes down. Have i a fish bowl full of keys with different subjects on them, just reach in, grab a key and we will talk about that [bleep]. I tell you what, i will go first, okay. There you go. Thats my hotel key. All right. Okay. There you go. All right, big mama, you go next. More like a mot el key. Larry thats right, it say mot el. Election 2016. Larry election 2016. Thats a good one. That is right up your alley, right. Election 2016. All right, this is a big election year. Now i hear you guys have got a chick running, thats pretty cool, right. So let me ask you this, should a brick house be in the white house . I think a brick house is better than a [bleep] house. And thats what yeah. And thats exactly what we have got with george w. Bush. Larry i thought you were talking about that orange mother [bleep] that is running right now. Him too, him too. Larry do you think this foxy mama has a chance . Pardon me. Larry do you think this foxy mama has a chance to be the president . Sure, absolutely. Hillary clinton, yes. Absolutely she has a very good chance to be the democratic nominee. Larry you think so. Im the straight man here, arent i . Larry i dont know, man. I got nothing i wrong with a mama telling me what to do. Who has the best chance of knocking her out. Well, she has tough competition from your old friend ben year Bernie Sanders. Larry yeah, that man is wild. Drink to that. Larry do you think americas ready to be lead by a female . I dont. I dosh i do, i do think its ready for a female but not that female. I think hillary has a lot of baggage on her. Larry yeah. She has a lot of baggage. Shes like if you were the adopted dog and went to mike viks house to pick one up. You dont. Larry i dont know what that means. Whos mike vic. Its going to bite you sooner or later, its going to bite you a dog fighting ring. Larry football player. I think definitely some people are opposed to her because she has the toughest time with men. I mean especially older white men are the ones that are most reluctant to vote for her. Bernie sanders is getting a lot of yung people. And i think a lot of progressiveses. A lot of people think Hillary Clinton say little too moderate or even conservative. Larry bernie has always gotten those young chicks, you know what i am saying. And i get where hillary is coming from because i have a hard time with older white men too. Larry there you go. Pass the bowl down, lets get another topic. Pick a topic. What have you got . Flight buster. All right. Okay, something called tinder, right, swieb buster is a new website that lets you fine out if your spouse is cheating on the dating an tinder because according to a new study 412 of people on tinder are either married or in a longterm relationship. All right. Larry i have three questions, number one, what is a [bleep] website. laughter all right. Number two, what the [bleep] san app. And number three, doesnt this [bleep] sound like snitchin . Come on, newsman. Its definitely snitchin. Theres no question about that. Although i have to say anybody that was looking to tinder for, you know, moral exemplars is probably not in the rise plate to begin with. You would actually love it because its about having kind of almost anonymous sex, you get on, you find someone that you kind of want to hookup with. You are not necessarily serious about them. Larry is it like closing your eyes, reach around and see who you find on your water bed . Yeah, Something Like that. Something like that. Its the 20 is of version of that. Larry okay. So is that snitchin to you. Yeah, to a point but at the same time if you have got to go on tinder to find out if [bleep] good, [bleep] not good. Larry i like that, thats a good point. Larry were out of time but who gives a [bleep], lets choose another. 15 an hour minimum wage. Larry so 15 minimum wage is coming to california and new york, they say. I think going from 2. 50 to 15 is a big jump. I am just saying that say big jump, right. Okay, so the question is should this be federal issue or state issue like slavery. What do you think . Chris rock has the great line about an africanamerican comedian, he hosted the oscar this year. Larry no [bleep], oh, okay. Damn, they still got the oscars . [bleep]. He said that the minimum wage is the concept for when somebody says im going to pay you this amount because anything less than that would be breaking the law. Larry right. Im paying you as little as i can possibly pay you. Larry yeah. So 15. It was funnier when he said it. Larry hes a comedian. You aint a comedian, mother [bleep]. You saying it, it is a sentence, right . I think 15 is a lot. In new york. 30,000 a year. Come on, man. No, huhuh. You are going to make some of my drug dealer friends get a job at cvs. Larry 30,000, you can buy two corvettes. You condition buy two corvettes. All i know is that if new york is getting 15 minimum wage, somebodys getting a raise at the nightly show. Larry all right. Well, i want to thank everybody for being part of thanks a lot. Remember to keep drinking, smoking and see you next time. Well be right back. If you live in the new york city area or are planning, grab free tickets to attend an upcoming taping of the nightly show. Go to the nightly go to the nightly aha cinnamon. Milk. Cinnamilk. Cinnamon toast crunch. Crunch crave those crazy squares. Cinnamilk larry thanks to my panelist, ricky velez, holly walker and jake tapper, i will going to keep it a hundred, tonights question is from sell celia, lets take a look. Soul daddy if were you stuck on a Desert Island for the rest of your life who would be rather be with Cleopatra Jones or that chick julie from the mod squad. Keep it a hundred. Larry all right, you underestimate soul daddy. Julie and Cleopatra Jones would be already on that island with soul daddy, right . Thanks for watching. Dont forget to ask me your keep it a hundred questions on twitter. Good nightly, everyone. Captiony Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show. Im trevor noah. Thank you so much, everybody. Our guest tonight, journalist and cohost of fox news the five, Juan Williams is here joining us. cheers and applause but first, but first, some interesting news on guns you know, if the the woon thing you hate about them is how boorish and gunning they look, youre in luck. An unusual firearm could go on sale later this year. The weapon looks just like a snowe, but its actually a. 380caliber gun. It may look like an iphone but its not. Instead its actually a deadly weapon. Trevor what could possibly go wrong . You know, besides someone sitting down weird and accidentally getting butt murdered. Or you go in for the dick and i can now youre double circ up sized. And you know great ideas. They dont just happen. They need a visionary, someone inspired by the small things in life. Why would you design a gun that looks like a smartphone . I have a conceal carry permit and i was carrying my pistol with the requisite jacket over it, and at one point when i stood up some young boy glimpses that and made a big statement about that i had a gun and it was a little bit of an embarrassing situation. laughter . Trevor you got embarrassed because a little boy see your piece . laughter that was such a perfect response for a gunobsessed country. Oh, my glock is making these kids nervous. I should design a gun that looks like a phone. Why dont you just leave your gun at home . Dont be stupid. Its for safety hello . Bang. Its such an insane world. Theres a chance this new igun may come in handy this summer since over 50,000 people have signed a petition to allow the open carry of firearms at the Republican Convention in cleveland. Which thanks to this guys receipt win in wisconsin is about to get a whole lot more