Larry yeah oh, my gosh. Welcome to the nightly show. Im larry wilmore. Man, weve got a great show. [ audience chanting larry ] i appreciate it. Thank you very much. I always appreciate the larry, larry, larry, larry. [ laughter ] weve got a great show tonight, but before i get started, i wanted to mention something very quickly. Ive been living in new york city for about a year now. Great town. A little stinky during the summer but overall great town. [ laughter ] but yesterday, i saw what can only be described as the most new york moment in the history of new york. Check this out. Okay. This is a rat [ laughter ] did you see that . This is a rat pulling an entire slice of new york pizza down the steps look at that, man look at that [ laughter ] the slice is five times the size of the rat. And hes not remotely fazed by the fact that its rush hour. Hes just trying to catch his train. [ laughter ] and whats so amazing about this city is the people walking by are just getting out of his way. Theyre like, we get it. Were all busy. [ laughter ] to me, it feels like that rat worked a long day doing rat stuff. Just rattin around town, and then on his way home, he stopped at rays for a slice [ laughter ] right . [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah, ill take large slice to go. No need to heat it up. I got a train to catch. [ laughter ] one technical thing, though. I dont want to be nitpicky, but can you tell he wasnt a real new york city rat because he didnt fold the slice. [ applause ] [ laughter ] probably a tourist rat. I just didnt want to disrespect a real new york rat. Is all im saying. [ laughter ] sadly, moving on to our nonrat top story tonight, the military may soon be celebrating a first thats almost as exciting for gay americans as this weeks rollout of rainbow doritos in support of lgbt causes. The u. S. Army is poised to have its first openly gay civilian leader. President obama has nominated longtime pentagon official eric fanning to be the next army secretary. Fanning, who faces senate confirmation, would be the nations first openly gay leader of any military branch. [ cheers and applause ] larry wow. Wow. This is an historic moment this was an army guy who started his career in the navy, and say what you want about the village people. [ laughter ] they predicted this 35 years ago with their prescient hit in the navy, and they also came close to predicting gay doritos with their lesserknown b side nacho, nacho man. [ laughter ] i defense know i dont know if you remember that. Lesser known. [ laughter ] no, this is really great news, though. But some people are trying to drag eric fanning through the dirt like a slice of pizza on the back of a rat. [ laughter ] seriously, can you believe that rat . Im so excited. [ laughter ] look how big that slice is sorry. Whos dragging fanning through the dirt . Mike huckabee slamming eric fannings nomination. In a statement saying this, the president is, quote, more interested in appeasing americas homosexuals than honoring americas heroes. [ audience boos ] larry mike huckabee, you know that homosexual and hero arent mutually exclusive terms, right . [ laughter ] [ applause ] let me just want to clear that up. Let me give you an example of mutually exclusive terms. Human and huckabee. See, those [ laughter ] those dont [ cheers and applause ] okay. Huckabee also said, quote, homosexuality is not a job qualification. Okay. Is this hate speech or resumebuilding tip . Im confused. As a reminder to you millennials out there trying to get a job, under special skills, excel, powerpoint, gay stuff any of those should go. [ laughter ] all right. So what nongay qualifications does this homosexual nonhero with his gayingthewholearmyup agenda have . Fanning is currently the army undersecretary, the number two job, and previously served in leadership roles in the navy and air force. Larry the guy seems pretty well qualified. Hes literally next in line. Its not like they found him on grinder. [ laughter ] right . But it ourns out to obamas not just making the mill tra tray military more gayer hes also trying to make it a little ladyer. And not everyone is happy about it. Apparently the marines are battling government leaders in a fight to keep women out of combat roles. Theres a little bit of a back story here. So let me break it down. Two years ago, obama, as part of one of his obamadontcare planks. [ laughter ] women in the military, can you go [ bleep ] yourself. [ laughter ] he decided that all military combat positions would be open to women by the year 2016. And believe it or not, not everyone in the marine corps is psyched about it. Apparently, they dont like their oohrahs to have any hoohas. [ laughter ] the marine corps recently commissioned a 36 million study pitting allmale marine units against coed teams [ laughter ] oh, you like that war and peace . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] allmale marine units against coed teams in order to test womens combat readiness. Heres what they found. The mens teams were faster, stronger, more lethal than the coed teams by a wide margin, scoring higher on 69 of all measured tasks. Larry head researchers were reportedly stunned by the 69 difference. [ laughter ] bro researchers, on the other hand, highfived and yelled, whoo 69 [ laughter ] 69 [ laughter ] but the differences dont end there. Men are faster at combat maneuvers including clearing walls and evacuating casualties. Men outshot women on the m4 rifle with a hit rate of 44 to 28 . Larry i have to say, the difference in gender aim was most surprising to me personally, because when it comes to urine, womens aim is vastly superior. [ laughter ] im just saying. From my own experience. Im a little shocked at those numbers. Im a little shocked. Okay . Naturally, the test results have caused lots of marines to balk at letting women into the combat ranks. The problem with this is that the marine test only gives us part of the whole story. Secretary of the navy, ray mabus, called the marine corps study flawed and biased toward keeping women out of combat roles. Besides that, killing people and running fast arent the only important skills for soldiers to have. If they were, an army of Oscar Pistorius clones would be the most dominant superpower on earth. [ audience boos ] im not sure what that boo actually is. [ laughter ] im not quite sure. [ laughter ] and also, the New York Times reports that a different study of the same marines showed that the female marines scored higher in mental resilience and had fewer Mental Health problems. The coed units also outperformed the allmale groups in making complex decisions. In other words, while men might be better at lifting heavy [ bleep ] with their arms, women are better at dealing with heavy [ bleep ] in their brains. And thats no easy task when yo [ cheers and applause ] and thats no easy task when you see and do the kinds of things soldiers see and do in wartime. I know some men out there might be hearing me say that women are smarter than men. Thats not what im saying. What im saying and what the studies show is that men and women are each better at Different Things. And when men and women put their things together, its better for everyone. That lesson and others are all written down in my new Childrens Book men and women putting their things together. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] actually, its not selling the way we hoped it would. Probably should have rethought that title. Thanks for the extra clap. I appreciate that. The after slap. [ laughter ] the bottom line is, being a marine requires a personal level of physical fitness. And even ray mabus, who runs the marines, believes that. If you set genderneutral standards related to the job marines have to do, and you adhere to them, he said. It doesnt matter whether the marines who meet those standards are male or female. War is a nasty business. Anybody who wants to sign up to protect this country and put their life on the line and are completely qualified, we should be saying thank you. [ cheers and applause ] right . I mean, seriously. They are fighting for our freedoms and for our right to watch pizza rat. [ laughter ] let me tell you something. It doesnt take balls to fight. It takes courage. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] as the season shifts, change is on its way. And with change, comes opportunity. Its up to you to seize it. This autumn, find your opportunity at cadillac. The 2015 cadillac srx. Get this lowmileage lease from around 399 per month, or purchase with 0 apr financing. You dont have to pick up a bafor halloween. Ger maybe your house looks good. Covered in toilet paper. Give those monsters what they want. Get your fingers on some butterfinger. Whats up mikey . Ringing beep play awe ome party song. Hey buddy i heard youre having a party. What . If i was having a party, id invite you. Would you . Yeah. phone ringing oh i got another call. Adam im not having a party hey chris whats up you heard about adams party man . Its going to be crazy. I knew it beep find the closest party store. Introducing appconnect. google voice here are your directions. Michael im gonna throw my own party. The things you love on your phone, available on 11 volkswagen models. When asked for his barbecue secrets, this pitmaster would only go so far. Hickory. Which was just enough to inspire our Hickory Smoked pulled pork sandwich and pulled pork cheese fries. Wendys. A barbeque tradition since 2015. Its from virtually anywhere. Rn of danger its been smashed, dropped and driven. Its perceptive enough to detect other vehicles on the road. Its been shaken, rattled and pummeled. Its innovative enough to brake by itself, park itself and help you steer. Its been in the rain. The cold. And dragged through the mud. Introducing the allnew mercedesbenz gle. Its where brains meet brawn. [ cheers and applause ] larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. Shes a u. S. Army veteran and purple heart recipient who served in iraq and afghanistan, elana duffy. Hes a u. S. Army veteran an [ cheers and applause ] elana duffy. Hes a u. S. Army veteran and also served in iraq and afghanistan, the nightly show contributor benari poulten. Her new show flipping virgins airs tuesdays on hgtv, egypt sherrod. [ cheers and applause ] and his show impractical jokers airs thursdays on trutv, comedian sal vulcano. [ cheers and applause ] earlier in the show, we mentioned the military is facing a deadline to open up combat roles to women by 2016. A study found that units with both men and women did not perform as well as allmale units. Alana, should women be serving at the front lines . We already do. Its not larry what is the distinction being made . The distinction being made is just the job function. Its the title. Its what youre calling a person. Is the person an infantry person or are they military police who are already there . So its just a its a job title and a standard that should be met. Larry but is this just a lot of blah, blah, blah, over nothing . Well, i think that there is somewhat of an outdated mentality to and how we fight war. Were not fighting in the trenches. Its not 1944. You dont have like, got to send a letter home to my best gal whos the president . Hope the dodgers won the pennant. [ laughter ] so we need to update our thinking as well, because like she said, women are already there. I served with a lot of women. Larry what do we think the resistance is . Is it the is it the laymans mentality . It shouldnt be resistance to women. It should be a resistance perhaps to an individual. It has nothing to do with men and women. There are going to be women that are more qualified than men. And men who are more qualified than women. I am not qualified. [ laughter ] the only thing we have in common with a woman thats qualified for the military is like my [ bleep ]. Man breasts. Larry qualified or unqualified . Its the only thing i share in common. Larry how does this hit you . Does this seem like were making too much of this . Honestly, it just feels like an ageold mentality that women have a place and should stay in it and thats taking care of the kids or cooking a good meal. We dont have that luxury anymore. I dont know what world people are living in when they still think like that. I mean, trust me, if my job just required me to be at home with my kids loving on them cooking a good meal, i would be in ef hadden. But today were want to kill those kids sometimes. [ laughter ] but to buy the bacon, bring it home, cook it, wrap it up, serve it for leftovers, and in order do that, we have to be able to have the same opportunities and the same pay as men. [ cheers and applause ] larry are there real physical differences out there that can make a difference, difference between men and women that can make a difference in infantry . Yeah. Larry talk about dragging the body out. You industrial to meet the physical standards. I hope im not sharing National Security secrets here but im not the tallest soldier. I am adorable. [ laughter ] larry how tall are you . 54. Tall enough. Larry how much did you weigh when you were in the how much did you weigh . 130, 140. Larry right. So but i could probably fit in my ruck sack that i had to carry a rat carries a piece of pizza, everybodys like, go, rat im like, get a move on, little man. [ laughter ] i used to teach marksmanship and rifle ranges, run grenade ranges and the only person in several years of doing this that ever fired a paint grenade, thank goodness, into a sandbag was a male. [ laughter ] so dont tell me that we might have some problems. Perhaps we should look into pulling males out of the military. [ laughter ] [ applause ] maybe were focusing on the wrong topic. Larry is it okay to say that genders and different genders are better or worse at Different Things than others . Is that okay to say that, or is that just wrong to say na . I think thats fine. I mean, but it also depends on the like, if i want to buy a house, im going to egypt. If i want to kick someones ass, im going to i think generally speaking, yes, like generally speaking, we cant deny men are stronger. Men tend to if be faster. But women, we also tend to be a little more cunning. We tend to be a little moore strategic and manipulative. Arent those also important when it comes to combat . Larry absolutely. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] not me. Not me. Im sorry. Im sorry. I have never met a manipulative woman. [ laughter ] i dont appreciate that. [ laughter ] larry mmhmm. Would this be a different conversation if we still had the draft . No. Larry no . I dont think so. I really dont. Because if women can serve and men can get drafted, so of the men that were drafted were not of the highest caliber that should have maybe volunteered. [ laughter ] i think maybe we wouldnt be so quick to go to war if we had a draft. [ cheers and applause ] maybe wed think things through a little bit better. Yeah. But thats the point too. Larry maybe there would be more women at the top of the military. Instead of thinking about women dragging bodies out, maybe wed have women making the decisions not to go there in the first place. [ cheers and applause ] but a lot of people they think, no. They think that were so this is not just on the field. This is in Corporate America too. Will, we have to navigate so many Different Things. If we go into a situation and we approach it soft and then were emotional. If were hard, then were the b word. If we command a certain level of respect, all of a sudden were a diva. We play these mind games and have to navigate this on a daily basis. Women in Corporate America are in combat. I agree. [ cheers and applause ] i agree. Larry all right. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] we have three chevys here. Alright. I want you to place this award on the podium next to the vehicle that you think was ranked highest in initial quality by j. D. Power. Hmm. Can i look around at them . Sure. Highest ranking in initial quality. Its gotta be this one. 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But there is one car that can conquer them all. The mercedesbenz cclass. Five driving modes let you customize the steering, shift points, and suspension to fit the mood youre in. And the road youre on. The 2016 cclass. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. You fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance. Uld save yeah, Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know that playing cards with kenny rogers gets old pretty fast . You got to know when to holdem. Know when to fold em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. You never count your money, when youre sitting at the ta. What . You get it . I get the gist, yeah. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Larry welcome back. Its time for the segment we call keep it 100. For everybody who doesnt know what that expression means, it means keep it 100 real. [ laughter ] dont keep it 100 real, get a sticker. Very simple. [ laughter ] i got a sticker. I love when people are so happy about it. Okay, egypt. Got to keep it 100. Okay . Youre first. You always get me with this one. Larry which of these fictitious heroes would you rather have save you . G. I. Joe, g. I. Jane or Brian Williams . Which one of those [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] fictitious heroes. Would you want to have save you. All right. Im going to have to go with g. I. Joe. Larry g. Ist joe. I got to go with g. I. Joe. Im keeping it 100, right . Larry got to keep it 1 unhad. But you know what im going to do dont you dare. Larry you know what im going to do . Because you just spent that whole speech talking about women and [ laughter ] you get a little [ laughter ] you didnt tell the truth. I did. Thank you. Larry im gonna have a man save me. [ laughter ] okay, knowing everything you know now about your experiences in the army, would you do it again . Yes, actual. Absolutely. Keeping it 100. [ cheers and applause ] honored to serve. Larry all right. Very good. Okay. Alana. You wrote an article called, youre not the easiest person to date, are you . Why does that keep coming up. Larry this is something somebody said to you . Yes. Larry okay. All right. I just wanted to be sure about which is harder, war or dating you . [ laughter ] got to keep it 100. It depends on who you are really. Larry you were an interrogator. Yeah. Dating me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] larry come on. Whoa [ cheers and applause ] okay. Sal, very important. Youre in a burning building. Oh, okay. Larry you can only save two of your cohorts from impractical jokers. Okay . Yes. Larry who do you save . Joe,. I can save two. Larry yes. James murray is dying. Larry hes dying . Yes, i dont even need to think about it. Larry really . Im keeping it like 500 million. Yes. Larry youre just going to let him know. You said i had to choose. Larry i know. But i [ laughter ] you gave me the parameters, and now you balk at my answer. Larry no, i just want to know why he has to to die. From jump street weve never really gotten along, larry. [ laughter ] when the opportunity presents itself you said i had to. So this is its not on me. Its on you. [ laughter ] larry i agree. You know what ob . [ cheers and applause ] chp well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] larry if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets come to the the nightly show. Take zzzquil and sleep like. The kids went to nanas house. For the whole weekend. Zzzquil. The nonhabit forming sleep aid that helps you sleep easily, and wake refreshed. Because sleep is a beautiful thing. T11 intelligent driverassist systems. It recognizes pedestrians and alerts you. Warns you about incoming crosstraffic. Cameras and radar detect dangers you dont. And it can even stop by itself. So in this crash test, one things missing a crash. The 2016 eclass. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. Whats the secret to wendys barbecue pulled pork sandwich and pulled pork cheese fries . Is it the Hickory Smoked pulled pork with the crunchy slaw . The brioche bun . Or that its topped with your choice of three Barbecue Sauces . Yes chuck, i know i have a 798 fico score, thanks to experian. Com. Kaboom. Get your credit swagger on. Go to experian. Com. Become a member of experian credit tracker and take charge of your score. Change is on its way. And with change, comes opportunity. Its up to you to seize it. This autumn, find your opportunity at cadillac. The 2015 cadillac srx. Get this lowmileage lease from around 399 per month, or purchase with 0 apr financing. [ cheers and applause ] larry thats our show i wanto thank our panelists, benari poulten, elana duffy, egypt sherrod, and sal vulcano. Goodnightly, everyone [ cheers and applause ] moonbeam city. 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