Sit up straight this is the the nightly show cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central yeah thank you very much thank you thank you very much audience chanting larry larry larry, larry larry, larry. Welcome to the the nightly show. Im Larry Wilmore. We have a couple of great alist celebrities on the show tonight. cheers and applause thats right, man we have kevin pollak and oscar winner monique hey, baby a lot to get to tonight, but first things first. Its time for crazy preacher time roundup. Crazy preacher time round up larry i just love that. Lets check in with an old friend of mine. You know, this is a little embarrassing. I forgot his name. Kimye yolo . Groupon roku . Thats not quite it. Oh, i got it, i got it venmo surfboardt dammit what was it again . No, its got money in it. Teflon nickel . Pastor Creflo Dollar. Larry Creflo Dollar all right i was 95 cents away how could i forget that name . Thats right, Creflo Dollar, the only Mega Church Pastor to get his name from a list of rejected star wars characters, is back sorry. Im just having a little goodnatured fun with his name because it is objectively absurd. Anyway, what was creflo in the news for again . This atlantabased mega church in the firing line after urging its members to fund a new gulf stream jet for its controversial leader. Larry that was back in march, and when people criticized him, some of them being kuwait quite debonaire he shut it down faster than a Mega Church Pastor at a tasteful suit factory. But creflos back, and this time its personal. If i want to believe god for a 65 million plane, you cannot stop me. You cannot stop me from dreaming. Larry you cannot stop me you cannot stop me from dreaming can i get an amen, or at least an okay, sure, i guess . . . Creflo, no ones trying to stop you from dreaming. You can dream about taking money from poor people to fund your lavish lifestyle all the live long day. Its when you do the thing, thats the problem. We want to stop the doing part. If they discover that theres life on mars, theyre gonna need to hear the gospel, and im gonna need to have to believe god for a billiondollar Space Shuttle cause we got to preach the gospel on mars. laughter audience reacts billiondollar Space Shuttle . To take you to mars . I take back everything i said. Pass the collection plate. Anything that shoots you to an airless desert 140 million miles away im in, creflo cheers and applause okay. Moving on to some good news. An american political prisoner was released today after being held in captivity by antiamerican forces for a grueling 166 days. Loretta lynch has finally been confirmed today as the new attorney general. Senate republicans had held up the confirmation vote for weeks over a political battle on an unrelated Human Trafficking bill. Larry yes the politics of Human Trafficking. One side thinks its bad, the other side, i really hope, also thinks its bad. But nominations get held up all the time, you say. Not like this. Lynchs nomination was held up by republicans in the senate longer than the previous seven attorney generals combined. Oh im sorry attorneys general. Calm down, twitter laughter i know what a lot of you are thinking. All right, larry, blame it on the fact that Loretta Lynch is black. That has nothing to do with black. I will oppose it, and i will oppose it, because she supports the unconstitutional executive orders that the president of the United States has issued on immigration. Larry it has to do with brown, aka brown people, the huge voting block republicans always want to woo but always seem to shoo. But okay, its all right. But its not personal, brown people. Its politics. Republicans really have banked hard on taking care of their base, giving their base what the base wants. Larry wait, they want to give them a time machine to the 1950s . Do you know how dangerous that is . They could be stuck there forever. How will they generate 1. 21 jigawatts to get bag to the future im just kidding. They want to stay there. What exactly did she say about immigration that made the republicans find the worm in her tequila . I believe that the right and the obligation to work is one thats shared by everyone in this country regardless of how they came here. Larry and to prove how much republicans disagreed with that idea, they kept her from her work for as long as they could. Well done. applause all right. And by the way lets be clear this is the only time im ever going to be prolynch. I wanted to be clear about that. Okay . Heres an example of when im antilynch. Youve all heard about the devastating case of freddie gray, the 25yearold who died of spinal injuries he sustained while being arrested in baltimore. Heres how cops are sweettalking the protesters. Protesters hurled insults at police. They were incensed by the head of baltimores fraternal order of police who likened them to a lynch mob. audience reacts larry are you kidding me, police . You had one job to not use the words lynch mob you should know that, its right there on your cars thats literally the worst thing you could possibly say when youre trying to ease tensions. But they did to try to smooth it over. At a press conference wednesday, gene ryan tried to walk back that comment. Maybe i should reword that. I dont want it to turn into a lynch mob. Larry oh, so its a timing issue. Theyre still a lynch mob theyre just not one yet. They should give you the mop to the city, because let me tell you something, sir, you cleaned that mess up. Well be right back. cheers and applause never before has this kind of passion this kind of innovation, engineering, design and performance. Been available. For this kind of price. The 2015 cla from mercedesbenz. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. [ screaming ] rate suckers [ bell dinging ] your Car Insurance goes up because of their bad driving. People try all sorts of ways to get rid of them. [ driver panting ] if youre sick of paying more than your fair share. [ screams ] get snapshot from progressive, and see just how much your good driving could save you. Real fruit in silky smooth dove dark chocolate. New dove fruit. Choose a pleasure less ordinary. cheers and applause larry welcome back. Now its time for crazy preacher time roundup crazy teacher time round up isnt that the same one we used before . Oh, basic cable. Season one. All right. So whats the teacher time update . A former corona special ed teacher has been sentenced for having sexual relationships with five students at the high school where she taught. This High School Teacher and volleyball coach had sex with a student and then sent him nude pictures. Megan conners, a 30yearold teacher, was arrested for having a romantic and sexual relationship with one of her students a 15yearold boy. Larry damn, is there something in the water i dont know about . Because it really feels like theres a rash of these things going around. And just to be clear, thats different from the rash that these teachers are probably spreading by sexing every boy at the brigadoon cast party. When we started noticing this, we did a search, and literally dozens of stories popped up from this year alone. Heres one from yesterday a utah teacher whose sexual exploits with underage students were a running joke at Davis High School pleaded guilty to sex with three boys in davis county court. Larry what were these running jokes . knock, knock, whos there . Ms. Davis having sex with one of her students. Uh. Okay. Weird joke. But look, i get it. To a lot of boys, this is a joke. Its fun. Its cool. Im not proud of this but theres definitely part of me thats, like, hey, where were these teachers when i was in high school . applause im just keeping it 100 17yearold Larry Wilmore would love to bump common cores with the teacherfolk, but heres the thing 17yearold Larry Wilmore was a damn idiot. Here are some other things 17yearold Larry Wilmore would have liked to do. laughter now it makes sense. Come on, come on, lets go. Oh, thank you cheers and applause hey, guys this is the truth and these stories dont stop. Earlier this month, a teacher in pennsylvania who was caught having sex with a 17yearold student was described by a judge as dangling candy in front of the boy. Um, no. This is dangling candy. All right . applause thats how you dangle candy having sex with a 17yearold student in a car in an Industrial Park is sexually assaulting a minor. A little different. But the teacher, who pled guilty and was eligible for 7 to 14 years of jail, was only given 30 days. And part of the reasoning for the light sentence handed down by the male judge what young man would not jump on that candy . audience reacts hey, boner judge, the onus is on the candy to not jump on the young man but this too often is the reaction when a boy is the victim. Look, young boys may not be concerned about losing their innocence, but they deserve to have it just as much as girls do. Right . applause but no matter what the age Authority Figures should not exploit the people underneath them by getting underneath them. Well be right back. cheers and applause shopping online. Is as easy as it gets. Wouldnt it be great if hiring plumbers carpenters and even piano tuners. Were just as simple . Thanks to angies list now it is. Start shopping online. From a list of top rated providers. Visit angieslist. Com today. After a long day of doing man stuff, me and fellas trust dial for men power scrub to give us a clean we can be proud of. Over engineered with unstoppable orange oil and micro scrubbers [band] unstoppable it leaves us honkingly gorgeous. Dial for men. Proudly over engineered. Larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. Our very own shenaz treasury. Next up, writer and director of the new documentary misery loves comedy, which opens on friday actor and comedian kevin pollak of the new jersey pollaks. And finally, comedienne and oscarwinning actress starring in the new movie black bird which opens on friday, dame monique. cheers and applause english actors always get that kind of respected. Just thought id put that out there. Okay. All right. Were talking about these inappropriate relationships. At least most people think they are. Now its the female and male students. I decided to show this first because i made the joke about why did this not happen to me when i was a kid . Let me show you me when i was a kid first. Okay, take it off who wouldnt want a slice of that . What was wrong with that, right . Is there a double standard here . Do we think were as mad when it happens to boys . There is a double standard. There always will be. Its ridiculous either way. Its horrible for a teacher let the kid graduate from high school. I mean, how long how long you got to wait here . Larry the teacher part is okay right . laughter is she his teacher or just a teacher . It depends on the age difference as well. If shes 23 and hes 17, it may be okay if shes not his teacher. As a momma of a son, okay cheers and applause i have four sons. I dont think i would want the teacher to be arrested. If my sons were 17 years old and the teacher was 22 years old, because, let me ask you like you say at 17 years old to be able to finch school thats why you dont want her arrested . Finish High School First then you can take her. Yes. At 17, you would have laid with your 22yearold teacher. I would have laid with anything that said yes thats why i should not be in charge at that age when it comes to adults. Look, one of the reasons i believe we are adults is because we should protect children. Yes. And i think it breaks that adults are allowed i want to protect my children but i dont know that i want that teacher to go to prison. It would be a womantowoman conversation like, you showed him what . Girl next time make sure you give him an a. Hes not doing good in spanish so okay. Lets switch it to you have four daughters lock his ass up applause it is a double standard. It is. But you say to yourself when it comes to boygirl manwoman, its a husband and wife, laying in the bed, a burglar breaks in the house who is expected to get the burglar . Larry does the burglar have weapons . laughter how is our relationship at the time . Its a double standard. Thats the way it is. laughter larry you brought up the age thing. How big a deal with the age thing . 17 and 22 okay . The boy 17 . Does it have to be closer . What if the teacher is 18 and the kid is 17. What if the kid is 17 and 11 months and the teacher just turned 18 . Can the boy have a sex with a substitute teacher . Is that okay . Thats a onenight stand so its okay. laughter the sunday School Teacher . Whats the teacher . laughter you just said a teacher. It could be any teacher. Swimming coach . Larry okay. laughter how much is social media at play . Its so easy to contact kids. Facebook. Its not like in my day. You would have to call and say hello, mr. Thompson, this is mr. Willmore. Is your daughter there . laughter that would not go over well is. Social media to blame . They can keep ate secret. They can keep it a secret. The issue is the boys are too yappy. laughter larry thats true. If it happens to the boy he is going to go back and tell the whole school. Exactly. When its a boy a boy is just looking to be laid. A girl at 16 is looking for love. Thats what can make the difference normally. You have your case where a boy falls madly in love, but at 16 are you thinking about love or just layin . Larry what if he loves to be laid . laughter right, but thats all he thought about. In order to learn love he must be laid. Larry yes. Give it to him. Give it to him. Thats poetry. Thats poetry. Larry do you know anybody who went with this at your school . I went with a kid and he dated the secretary and nobody thought it was a big deal. There was a very young girl well, a very mature senior in high school who dated a sort of Burt Reynolds kind of teacher, the younger good looking Burt Reynolds. But she looked 22 and she was im sure, 17 or 18 and she was a senior in high school. Larry no one had an issue. No one had an issue with it no. I had an experience. My boyfriend in high school had sex with the teacher and the person who was damaged was me because, you know the boy, he is very confident. He has two kids now. The teacher, i dont know, shes old, but im larry youre the victim in that one laughter im the victim. Im so damaged. I people to laugh to feel good about myself. laughter larry i think a lot of innocent teachers, i feel sorry for them because if people say an innocent teacher phrase it may sound a little creepy like you need to apply yourself. Does this sound teacher or creepy . All right, boys, hit the showers. Creepy. Depends on whos saying it. Larry you do a lot of impressions. What if christopher walkin said, all right, boys. The you cant even say it time to hit the showers now its creepy on purpose all right. Looks like youve mastered reproductive biology. Sounds a little creepy. What if pacino said that . Hooah it looks like you mastered reproductive what was the last part . sounding like al pacino and when did alpacino become an old black blues player . laughter larry why dont you put it to me in a different way . Sounds creepy. Larry william shatner, why dont you put it to me in a different way . Thats William William shatner . Larry yeah mimicking why dont you put it to me in a different way . Larry well be right back afte mmmm, they made french toast out of banana bread, then topped it with candied pecans and bananas . Its like a match made in heaven. Like bacon eggs. Oh look, bacon eggs. The new banana bread french toast slam. Dennys. Welcome to americas diner. It was the best day [ laughing ] yeah it was the best day it was the best day yeah it was the best day cause of you we make a great pair. [echoing] great pair. Huh . Progressive and the Great Outdoors we make a great pair. Right. Totally. Uh, thats what i was thinking. Hmm. Covering the things that make the outdoors great. Now, thats progressive. Call or click today. [indistinct high pitched speech] [loud electric guitar solo] its a different kind of Peanut Butter cup. Smooth and crunchy butterfinger Peanut Butter cups. Now in minis. 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