Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central larry yeah thank you very much man welcome to the the nightly show. Im larry wilmore. Whoo man big day yesterday, the most powerful woman in politics returned to the scene in a big way. We have been expecting to hear from her, and, wow, she really came out strong. Im not a politician. Im a queen. Larry ok, thats khaleesi from game of thrones, but Hillary Clinton also announced shes seeking the crown yesterday. Im running for president. laughter larry look, hillarys not that far off from khaleesi. Im sure she would also Say Something like this and i will take what is mine. With fire and blood i will take it. laughter larry i smell a Campaign Slogan cheers and applause i will take what is mine. This does make sense. Both hillary and khaleesi feel like they have a birthright to the throne and feel like their kingdom was stolen from them a few years ago. Theyve both been through a lot, starting with their strategic marriages to horny warlords. They both spent years struggling in a land of spiteful, barbaric horsepeople. But the reason they havent ascended yet is because their rightful bloodline was deposed by the nations post powerful goldhoarding dynasty. You know them, the cold calculating patriarch who, from the sidelines, has been manipulating his family into positions of power. The inept tortureloving bully who famously choked at a banquet. And the heirapparent son who people like in spite of all the red flags and who tragically just lost his right hand. audience reacts so sad. I know. Sad. The biggest competition right now, of course, is the dark horse from the fringes, who has the courage of his convictions but has been turned crazy by religion. laughter also hodor. Okay. Enough of that. Pretty well sums it up. Enough of that nerdgasm. Lets roll clintons official, official notakebacksies pinkyswear announcement. Im getting ready for a lot of things. A lot of things. Its spring, so were starting to get the gardens ready and my tomatoes are legendary here in my own neighborhood. Wait. This was the announcement . Where was the hillary . I thought any minute i was going to be told to consult a physician if my erection lasts for longer than four hours so who else do we have in hillarys itsnotmeitsyou announcement . My brother and i are starting our own business. Larry okay. Weve got these hispanic Small Business owners. In theory, im a fan of both hispanic people and the concept of brothers. A couple assembling baby furniture. Im strongly in favor of attractive people having babies and putting the babies in furniture. Well done. A young job hunter. I certainly support jobs. And the people hunting them. And that they can be young. Awwww, a boyfriend and a Girlfriend Holding Hands thats a gay couple . you got me hillary. See, i thought it was a straight couple, but then they were gay which i like but my favorite character in hillarys ad was this guy. But most importantly, we just want to teach our dog to quit eating the trash. laughter applause larry wait. Are you trying to tell us that as president , you will promise to keep dogs out of the trash . Okay. As long as you get around to i. S. I. S. , too, im cool. Besides trash dog, you know who also appeared in this ad . Hillary clinton. From politics. Im getting ready to do something, too. Im running for president. cheers and applause larry hmm. Okay. What am i supposed to get out of this . That hillary is just a working grandma renovating her gay married kindergarten tomatoes who wont stop dogeating the trash . Okay. Girl, i can totally relate. Im on board. You see, heres what hillary is trying to do. Shes presenting herself to us as if we dont know who she already is. Thats why im officially calling hillarys 2016 run the allow me to reintroduce myself campaign. Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is hov h. To the izzo, clinton to the white house larry thats my jam. Thats what shes doing. Its true now why would somebody as established as hillary shy away from her resume . Because much like a day of prostate exams, it is, how shall i say, tainted. She brings up being first lady . You start thinking about lewinsky. She brings up being senator . Shes got to defend voting for the iraq war. She brings up being secretary of state . Shes got to talk about benghazi. Hillary, its okay. You dont have to act all brand new. We understand. When youve done as much as you have, youre going to make some mistakes. Even tom hanks makes a cloud at cloud atlas every once in a while. But she obviously is worried about that. In fact, shes already scrubbed her wikipedia page. Very smart grandmother. Woman. Loves hispanics. I dont know what this ladys done, but i like her. Look, first lady senator madame secretary khaleesi. The bottom line is, if you really want to be president , youve got to own everything. Own it. Own it, girl. Oh, and marco rubio announced today hes also running for president. Now, to make more sense out of this hillary announcement is political strategist and social media consultant, miles thompson. Miles great to be here larry. Larry okay. I gotta admit. This announcement is a little confusing to me. We dont even see hillary for the first 90 seconds of the video. Its just random people. Miles that was a careful choice they made, larry. People dont like Hillary Clinton as a person or what shes done in the past, so they decided to show people who arent her. Larry but at some point, shes going to have to come out and face her past, miles. Shell have to talk about benghazi, for example. Miles ugh. No, she wont thats why shes running the classic kibblein bits switch applause larry what does that mean . Were talking about benghazi ruh roh this is precocious dog is digging through the trash larry yeah, i was wondering about that why do you think there was a dog in the video . Miles well, let me ask you something first what did you think when you saw the dog . Larry i was thinking, boy, he is going to be in trouble when his owners find out what hes done pretty funny, actually. Miles im sorry, what were we just talking about . Larry that naughty doggy. Miles exactly and you forgot all about benghazi larry that is so good applause shes good miles let me show you one more clip to illustrate my point. See if you can notice anything strange. Im getting ready to do something, too. Miles did you see it . Larry see what . Miles lets slow it down and watch it again. slower and slower speaking vote for hillary just want the dog to live larry yeah. Miles pretty great. Larry vote for hillary if you want the dog to live . Yeah thats called a winning Campaign Slogan larry thats messed up. Arry, the dog larry i know. Okay. He was rooting in the trash, okay. laughter what were we talking about . Miles you were just saying how well be right back. Larry oh, yeah. Well be right back. cheers and applause . Family of jeweled feline treasures. 100,000 to the lady in the leopard print. Sprint told us theyd cut our verizon bill in half. Oh yeah. Wed save a bunch of money on our rate plan by switching to sprint. But we dont need to save money, do we mama . Oh, no. No we do not baby. To the other lady in leopard print. Like daddy always says money doesnt spend itself. 1 million oh, look at that. Oh oh wow. Look at that muscle baby. Its like a workout. Some people are stupid rich. Look at my muscle. For the rest of us sprint will cut your verizon or at t rate plan in half. Just turn in your old phone. Or now, for a limited time sign up for the new unlimited plus plan and get a Samsung Galaxy s6 free. Only from sprint. What made you switch to taco bell breakfast . I, for me, i personally think that all the breakfast sandwiches are the same. But this is an a. M. Crunchwrap. What really sets it off is i have a hashbrown in here. Im c. J. And im a breakfast defector [bong ] pain from your day can haunt you at night, dont let it. Advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. Advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. Ha, you better have a jet pack under there turtle. Tortoise, actually. On your marks, get set. Go later road kill. Huh, huh. On your left, coming thru hmm. Plot twist. Woo hoo whos your turtle . huh . introducing the hairraising power and performance of the mercedesamg gt. Its no fairytale. cheers and applause larry welcome back to the show joining our panel tonight we have our very own the nightly show contributor ricky velez; applause senior political reporter for cnn, niamalika henderson, and starring in tv lands new show younger on tuesdays at 10 00 p. M. And in the upcoming film entourage the lovely debi mazar. applause and were talking about Hillary Clintons campaign for president. I made a judgment. I think its true. Hillary has a lot of accomplishments she feels like she cant talk about because it brings up uncomfortable bleep . Its almost like her men in black campaign are doing their thing and getting people to forget about that. When the you look at the first ad, she is trying to redirect our attention to Something Else away from the most recent version, i think, of Hillary Clinton which is kind of a celebrity, secretary of state former first lady. Larry that ad is only about grandma. Yeah, it is when i was watching it, i thought, am i watching the right thing . And then she popped up at the end. Larry but this is. But this is what the clintons do. Did we learn nothing from bill . They dont fess up. They wait a while and then they fess up. Larry but this is bizarre. When she ran in 2008, she was very clear in her announcement. She said, im going to help middle class and this and that. Here, i didnt know what was going on. All the demographics, its like they went through a checklist and everybody is there. But youre right, i think, that the whole idea of redirecting attention, and if you look at that First Campaign in 2007, it very much was all about Hillary Clinton. Larry when shes running about president , it should be about her. I have no problem with that. I think she should run accomplishments. The secretary of state, shes been to more countries than any secretary of state in history. Larry you going to run on a travel log . Millions of miles. Larry i have been to turkey, vote for me reinvention is a great thing. It can be a new look, it can be get your look together your outfit together. Larry why did you look at me when you said look . The Obama Administration the jury is out. When youre president , youre not sure how you will be judged. 47, under 50. Could be higher. So i dont know if she wants to, you know, attach herself, you know, be that third term of the Obama Administration. How soon do you think before she loses her black friends . laughter keep it 100 i think shell keep her black friends. No larry keep it real. Shes a horror from the 80s theyre going to kill off the first black guy in the first ten minutes. She doesnt want anybody to do with them laughter larry in the first half of the campaign shes going to lose at least half her black friends. Larry oh, in the white house . She cant run away from obama because shes got to have the Obama Coalition and thats what obama brings. She will be off campaigning with michelle obama. Larry when ricky was talking about the clintons it frustrates me about the clintons. Theyre so likable but they always allow bleep to get in the way. Hillary, the whole thing, remember when she was running 2008, she went under fire in the helicopter, turned out, that was like a Brian Williams thing, and Brian Williams was replaced by a black guy. Same thing. laughter but then the whole phone thing happened with the emails and said she had one device. I thought it would be easier to carry just one device for my work and for my personal emails instead of two. Larry okay, so makes sense. But two weeks earlier, this is what she said. I have you know an ipad, a mini ipad an iphone and a blackberry. Larry seriously if she really is the forgetful grandma, which one is she . Like a lot of politicians she has a complicated relationship with the truth. And shes trying her best. Larry bill has a lot of complications. Like a lot of politicians, has the same tick when it comes to explaining themselves. She has a lot to do on this issue because the email issue isnt going to go away. I think they feel like theyre going to put this to bed. Thats actually pretty cool. I actually like that. People who have two cell phones deal drugs. I trust my drug dealer more than i do politics. Larry so thats a good reason you would vote for her. Hillary got that good bleep , larry. Larry exactly applause larry this makes me laugh too, theyre traveling around the country in a van. Travel around in a van looking for Young Millennials is already kind of creepy, and its called the scoobydoo van which is hilarious. I like the thought of bill clinton in his driveway saying, wheres my van the High School Just got out laughter i like it. Larry its a good way to explain benghazi talking like scoobydoo benbenghazi but the van, i dont like the whole thing. Why do we have to know shes in a van, stopped in pennsylvania to get gas. Stop in ferguson to get gas ill be pressed. Pennsylvania doesnt do anything for me. I remember when obama was elected racism was over. How you guys going to feel when hes elected when sexism is over. You cool with that . laughter you going to be cool with people saying that . Postsexism . Larry when hillary is elected, do you think its going to happen . I dont think so. I think well have more conversations. Identity politics is so identified with the obama era. I think well have more of these conversations around sexism. Larry hillary will run, everybody. Well be back and talk more. The new s6 hits the stores and im like. Whoa. Open the box and. sniffing new phone smell. Jump on a video chat with my friend. Hes a real fan boy, so i cant wait to show this off. Picture is perfect. I got mine at verizon. I. Didnt. Its buffering right out of the box he was impressed. I couldnt be happier. Couldnt see him but i could hear him making fun of me. Vo you waited this long for the s6 so why settle for anything less than verizon. If youre looking for a car that drives you. And takes the wheel right from your very hands. This isnt that car. The first and only car with direct adaptive steering. The 328 horsepower q50 from infiniti. Larry welcome back. We have been talking about Hillary Clintons announcement. Now id like to play a new game were calling who ya gonna aks . laughter and no, its not ebonics. Its an acronym that stands for aid, kill or squash. In other words, who are you going to aks to help you out in a jam. So im going to give you a problem. You tell me which clinton youre gonna aks to help get you out of it and why bill or hillary. Who you gonna aks . Okay. You really need to get out of your best friends wedding who are you going to aks . I think hillary would help me. Larry hillary would be better with that . Im going with bill. Im going to aks bill because hes a little more imaginative in terms of his larry he can do the billyak. She just cant make it shes throwing up all over the car i think hillary might have a good excuse. Larry ricky . I think bill. Hes gotten out of a lot of bleep before hes good larry itit all emends on yourdefinition of wedding laughter larry you want to return a pair of pants but dont have a receipt, you want your money back, not a store credit. Who do you aks . Hillary. Larry why . Because shes probably returned a few pantsuits laughter larry its, like, oh, god just give it to her, here comes that lady youre stuck in chocolate city, you need the funk, gotta have that funk im sorry, you would ask george clinton. I dont know how that got in there. Whos going to stare down putin . Hillary. She has that stare. Larry if putins in the room, im asking hillary to come in. Didnt she already call him a nazi. Larry bills just going to want to party with him. Yeah. Larry you dont want to go in that room after they have been in there laughter last one you just killed a guy in a hit and run accident and you need to dispose to have the body. Who do you ask . Bill. Larry bill . laughter i have a joke about who the body is but im not going to do it i have a video i want you to watch and no matter what i need you to stay focused. Dont take your eyes off of the screen. Sfx drill noise. Sfx puppies barking. Wrestlers ahhh grrr owwweee its hard to stay focused. Text message alerts from chevy let you send a text response at the touch of a button. So you can focus on driving. This will make it a little easier to keep my eye on the road. Its amazing. Fact. Every time you take advil liqui gels youre taking the pain reliever that works faster on tough pain than extra strength tylenol. And not only faster. Stronger too. Relief doesnt get any better than this. Advil this is smith forge hard cider. Its like cecil here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Larry thats all the time we have for tonight. I want to thank our panelists debi mazar, niamalika henderson and ricky velez. Give them a nice round give them some love cheers and applause finally tonight, as those of you who follow the show on twitter know, one writer on my staff livetweets this show each night. Tonight that writer is jack helmuth. So follow nightlyshow on twitter and join the live tweet. And if facebook is more your thing, like the the nightly show to keep track of everything the show has cooking online. Goodnightly, everyone its 11q589 and 59 seconds this happened on rolling stone. Com. The first weekend of the rip ster rumspringa known as coach ella ended with a bang maybe not some of as a bang but a soft awful slurp the soft being courtesy of drake and the awful slurp coming from ma a. Watch this oh [bleep] oh. Oh m