Its a grab bag of crazy head lines so get ready to get punched in the laugh pouch. This is the the nightly show. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause larry all right thank you very much thank you audience chanting larry thank you, thank you. Welcome to the the nightly show. Im larry wilmore. Tonight were doing something special. Were going on break next week, and there are a ton of stories in the news that wed love to cover at length, but we just dont have the time. So were gonna hit em and quit em. Its time for stuff that cant fill a whole show but we wanted to get in before we go on break. applause lets do this topic randomizer, give us our first story go oh people joining i. S. I. S. Yeah, this is crazy. Just today, two National Guardsmen were caught trying to join i. S. I. S. This keeps going on a few weeks ago, there was a guy in the air force. But the one i really cant wrap my head around is this. Younger and younger teenagers are going off to fight with i. S. I. S. 15yearold school girls disappearing off into syria. Larry fifteen . see, this is what happens in the 21st century when youre trying to piss off your parents and there are no black guys in town to sleep with. laughter applause im just sayin. Maybe this makes sense. I mean, all kids like to rebel against their parents. scolding. hey sit your butt down this instant now, ive heard from justins mother that you joined the Islamic State . Is that true . Put your cell phone down and look at me. Is this true . Well, i went through your underwear drawer and i found this a scimitar . Larry its not mine. Its not your mothers. Where did you get this . You were trying to start an islamic caliphate, werent you . Werent you . Im gonna let your mother handle this, but im not happy. And im keeping this. applause larry thank you very much thank you scolding dad everyone. Scolding dad. Okay, randomizer. Whats our next topic . A little delay. Oh oh my god. Very interesting. A new report from the u. S. Geological survey says gold and other Precious Metals are turning up in waste water plants. A city of a million people, say the size of dallas, potentially flushes 13 million worth each year. Larry i will say that when, as a society, we get to the point that our toilets are on the gold standard, it shouldnt be a surprise that the rest of the world hates us. I guess that explains where trump gets all that gold for his hotels. All right. Next story. Randomizer, randomize me. I. S. I. S. Again . But also. Star wars. Lets roll it. The dome structures of tattooine, had become a tourist draw after they were used as the set for Luke Skywalkers home planet. But the town has become increasingly unsafe. Its now a base for i. S. I. S. Fighters. Larry hold up. I. S. I. S. Has taken over tattooine . Oh my god, it wasnt storm troopers who killed uncle owen and aunt beru aunt beru larry you bastards that was i. S. I. S. . bleep now, look. Im protective of star wars, so i want to Say Something here. Im not going to let some bearded megalomaniac in i. S. I. S. Desecrate tattooine. The only bearded megalomaniac who gets to ruin the mythology of that twosun planet is this guy. laughter larry thats it ive said this before, and ill say it one more time greedo did not shoot first. cheers and applause larry thank you it was han. Han shot first. Im not going to say this again. All right, weve got time for more randomizer, do it larry oh okay. This is great. This is my favorite. Than absolutely true story okay. A woman went to a mcdonalds and she wanted a bacon cheeseburger. They forgot the bacon. Then this happened. When 29yearold Shaneka Torres called to complain she was told her next meal would be free, but she returned to the same mcdonalds and the workers again got the order wrong. After that, police said torres fired a bullet through the drivethrough window. No one was hit and torres was arrested. Larry now, in shanekas defense, they did forget her bacon twice. In the same day. Im no lawyer, but that might hold up in court. We thought this story was so important that we thought we did recreate it for you through the majesty of. We cant believe this bleep so we have to act it out theater. Please welcome the we cant believe this bleep players. cheers and applause larry okay. Let me set the scene. Shaneka rolls through the drivethrough eagerly anticipating her cheeseburger with bacon. Sasha heres your order maam. Holly oh, hell, no. I asked for bacon. This burger aint got no bacon. Mike baby, baby, baby, its fine. You dont need all that pork anyway. Holly no, its not. Next time i come up in here, imma get that burger for free with bacon. Larry and that next time turned out to be just a few hours later. Holly im back for my cheeseburger with bacon sasha certainly. Here you go holly oh, hell, no this burger aint got no bacon either. Mike baby, its not worth it weve got that bacon at home holly i want that mcdonalds bacon sasha im sorry. We just ran out of bacon. Larry and then shaneka said, and i quote. Holly bitch, you dont know who you talkin to excuse me shooting. pop pop pop pop pop pop cheers and applause larry i want to point out, no one was harmed in the shooting of this mcdonalds and shaneka was arrested. The we cant believe this bleep players well be right back. Sooo, youre all set to book a flight using rewards miles from your Airline Credit card. But then the illusion begins. The flights you really want surprise theyre not available because they cost a ridiculous number of miles. Enough is enough. Switch to the capital one venture card. With venture, youll earn unlimited double miles. And using those miles is easy. Just book any flight you want, on any airline. Then use your miles to cover the cost. No blackout dates. Whats in your wallet . When sprint told us that theyd cut our verizon bill in half we were like why . and they were all to save you money on your rate plan and i was like why . and then sprint was like so you can spend money on stuff you want. But, we have all the stuff. Were rich. Where are we even going . A basketball game. Sports some people are stupid rich. For the rest of us, theres sprint. Bring in your verizon or at t bill turn in your old phone and well cut your rate plan in half. Switch now and well pay whatever it costs for you to come to sprint. All we need to sell strongbow hard cider, is ice. And an award for best tasting hard cider. Ve you got the shot yet . Remember that thing about keeping your face behind the award . Strongbow. cheers and applause larry welcome back to the the nightly show joining me on the panel tonight, author of keep calm, its Just Real Estate and the host of hgtvs property virgins, egypt sherrod. cheers and applause executive producer of the the nightly show, our very own rory albanese. cheers and applause professor of Public Policy at u. C. Berkeley and former u. S. Secretary of labor robert reich. cheers and applause and hell be appearing at the garden of laughs benefit in new york this saturday, comedian and actor jb smoove. cheers and applause you want to say more stuff. Larry hes got a lot of credit. And theyre not booing. Theyre saying, smoove smoove, smoove backstage, they said im possibly the most welldressed person on the show. Larry thats true. I think it is. Cheerpdz lets get into it guys. We have so many interesting topics tonight, i dont know where to begin. So im going to let the panelists decide. I have a grab bag with unusual items in it that coordinate with tonights topics. Whatever item our panelist pulls out will be the topic we address next. Egypt well go with you first. Ladies first. Wait a minute, this is a setup larry that is not a setup. You heard in the news, the racist frat guy kind of redundant, isnt it . Larry well done and theres the guy with naked pictures and will farrell came out and said we should get rid of frats altogether. What do you say . I say fraternities are elitists, exclusive and there is no educational function. Get rid of them completely. Larry gone . cheers and applause if you get rid of sororities and fraternities, no one goes to school anymore quite honest. Thats the best part of college, the whole experience. You should pt throw out the whole batch of apples because of one bad apple. The realty is there are a lot of fraternities and sorority that are exemplary. They do Great Community service, throw great parties thats not true. Let me just say that for the last 40 years that i have been in and around universities every year or two there is a scandal and theres an apology and these privileged elite people come out and do press conferences and they say never, never again and they do it again larry its a new batch of dicks coming in, though. Its fresh dicks. Why am i the only woman on the set here hold on a minute. I think youre both right. I dont think they do as much good as egypt says but i dont think we should ban them. But i dont think they do a lot of good. Banning stuff is a bad practice just because a couple of people in other words, we have the kkk in america we dont ban that. Those guys are bigger dicks larry k. K. K. Has a lot of good parties too laughter larry, im going to disagree with that. As a jew i dont go to those parties. Larry were you ever in a frat or anything . I considered joining a frat when i got in college. Then i hung out with ten guys and thats a gang. Well, we did our stuff undercover. Again. But i will say youre going to have bad and good frats. If youre going to i dont think we should ban them. Just make them more diverse. That way if they do something racist, the black guy goes what the bleep you say . You know what i mean . laughter larry affirmative action. Oh thats i. S. I. S. We covered in the headline there is an absurd amount of westerners joining i. S. I. S. I dont understand that. We have the teen girls and all. This why are people trying to join i. S. I. S. . Whats going on . Yes robert im looking at you. I think there are not that many treating join i. S. I. S. You say all these europeans and americans. Out of 600 million europeans and americans you have, what, 400, 800 trying to join i. S. I. S. . This is not a big deal. The press is making it a big deal and the more we talk about it the more people will go. applause larry you dont think i. S. I. S. Is a big deal . No i. S. I. S. Is a big deal. Were talking about people, you know, yeenls and americans who are going over larry what about about servicemen . What about people in the military . I mean how many . How many . Larry it doesnt matter if youre in the military, whats making you join i. S. I. S. . I dont understand what that is. I also dont understand how do you know youre going to get into i. S. I. S. . Like what if you travel and have to sneak through borders and take boats and they go, no, were going to bad you youre an american. It could be theyre like a catch a predator, you know what i mean . laughter no, you show up with like a sixpack of lemonade and go, lets do it larry you want to be a traitor . Ill show you honestly, i think it wants a big misunderstanding. We even heard about the College Students who tried to join i. S. I. S. As well. I think its a misunderstanding. Larry what do you mean . I dont think theyre trying to join a terrorist group. I think theyre looking for the atlanta stripper called isis. I heard about this years ago in college. Is this the lady who puts ice in her mouth before she gives you a blow job . laughter could be her. Larry you think people think theyre going to do that . Thats why theyre leaving . I tell you theres a girl name ic eis who puts ice in her mouth before she gives guys blow jobs larry were you in a fraternity . No, im not a frat. You sound like a man who knows firsthand. I do not. Youre kind of excited you dont want to get with this girl named crystal because thats his faithful. Larry well b larry thank you welcome back okay time for the segment we like to call keep it 100 100 real all the keep it 100s are connected to the topics in the grab bag. J. B. , youre working at mcdonalds, all right . Right. Larry and shaneka drives up, orders a bacon cheeseburger. You notice theres no bacon on that cheeseburger. Right. Larry now, youre a comic. You like funny, okay . Do you give her the burger snowing theres no bacon on it, for the laughs . Because you know something funny is about to happen. Or do you do the right thing as the mcdonalds employee, put the bacon on it and give her the burger. What do i do . I know her smart is coming back. Take off the bun, put the bacon on both sides like the bacon is the bun. Put the meat in the middle and put it in a box and give it to her stupid ass. You got the bacon shut up sounds delicious. That bun is staying with me larry he kept it 100 cheers and applause there you go. Okay. All right. Well go to robert on this one. There was a story we didnt show. One of the stories was of the pope recently lamenting about his fame and how he misses being anonymous and he cant go into a pizza place anymore. So the Pope Popemobile is going around town and heres what happens shouting papa laughter give the pope a pizza it was awesome i dont know about his security. I think he doesnt want to be pope anymore. Robert youre in a mob of people waiting to see the pope and you have low blood sugar. That pizza is passing around. Youre 30 seconds from passing around according to your calculations. The popes pizza is coming around, you could take a slice of pizza. If you do youre going to hell but if you dont you could be knocked out from low blood sugar. What do you do . I take the pizza im not catholic larry you do . Absolutely larry got to give it 100 cheers and applause rory. Yeah. Larry we saw the guy who got the i. S. I. S. Tattoo on the inside of his mouth. You have a girlfriend named isis. Does she do the thing j. B. Talked about . Larry its the same. Okay. laughter if you get the i. S. I. S. Tattoo, it means youre the greatest comedian of all time, do you get the tattoo . Yeah cheers and applause i can be jb smoove level famous i can take that. Larry ready egypt . Bring it on. Larry youre selling a mansion to a very rich family. Right before they sign the closing papers you see a toilet overflowing with pooped gold okay . We dont know how much poop gold the households. It could be a slot machine or managed be the end of the gold. Do you sabotage the sale, get labeled the worst real estate agent, but mine all the poop gold, or do the right thing, sell the house . Good agent. What do you do . Sell the house and offer them 10,000 to rent it out for 30 days. cheers and applause larry pretty good i just have to say i forgot to mention one last thing, its poop fools gold bam but you get one of these thanks for keeping it 100 well be right back now that youve switched to taco bell breakfast what do you eat . Ive got the chicken biscuit taco. D ive got the egg, bacon and cheese biscuit taco. Dont want to be the spokesperson for the south but, this is as good as mamas cooking. My name is mary. My name is dominic. And i am a breakfast defector [bong ] mitch mr. Barnes . Partying tonight . We have that presentation tomorrow. . Oh, no, just a harmless little gettogether. Mitch, i was young once; i know what it means when you have tostitos. Uh. Oh, i could tell you some stories. Man, these rolls hold a lot of queso. So are you, like, fired . Actually, i think im getting a promotion. Shake what youve got everybody. Not you, mitch. Yes, sir. Vo nothing brings people together like new tostitos rolls chips. Tostitos. Bring the party. They tell you its out there. Somewhere. Upon a star, over a rainbow. Where the grass is greener and everyones happily ever after. But its not on a map. Or some app. Its not someday or somehow. Its where ever you are, here and now. When you are you. [ rock music playing ] real fruit in silky smooth dove dark chocolate. New dove fruit. Choose a pleasure less ordinary. Yeah were on vacation next month, my family churns through all sorts of data. Ll, now we have mobile share lue plans with rollover data the data you dont use this month rolls over to the next. Sounds great. But whats your angle . I dont think i have any angles. Hardball, huh . Look, if you want me in on this, i want a piece of the action. Oh well you get the rollover data automatically so youre already in on the action. Deal. You should negotiate more stuff. Youre pretty good at it. Introducing at t rollover data. The data you dont use this month rolls over to the next month. cheers and applause larry thats all the time we have for tonight. I want to thank our panelists jb smoove, egypt sherrod, robert reich and rory albanese. cheers and applause by the way this would have been the Breast Feeding question its wrong on so many levels, thats all im going to say. Thats all the time we have for tonight goodnightly, everyone cheers and applause its 11 59 and 59 secretary this happened on barstool sports. Com. Were smackdab in the middle of spring break you know what that means, lots of footage of hot coed on hot concrete action. laughter good job cody. Nothing says ill beat your ass like a pink tank top and teva san dahls. Now