Have covered probably 62 of these. Its become as much as january ritual for me as my midday fourhour seasonal effective disorder nap. So to be honest im a little over it with the promising and the clapping and the wait is that one of the hold on a second. Is that is that one of the actual Founding Fathers . Sam [bleep] adams, is that you . What . Huh . cheers and applause so going into last night, i got to tell you less than excited. Until i heard what was going to happen. This is the biggest night of the year in american politics. Tonights the big night in washington. President obama will take on tax reform in this years state of the Union Address in a big way. An exciting night in the nations capitol. Jon oh my gosh, tax reform oh my god oh may god, oh my god laughter you know what . Im in. Even if they staged relatively rote exercise and political theater passing for an exciting night in your town makes me sad, it makes me want to take washington d. C. To thailand with Leonardo Dicaprio and an eight ball and show you what life could really be. But you know what, maybe this will be exciting. Its president obamas second to last state of the yawn, first time presiding over a fully republican congress. Hes taking on tax reform in a big way. So i hear. Lets do [bleep]. Lets close the loopholes that lead to inequality by allowing the top 1 to avoid paying taxes on their accumulated wealth. laughter jon is that it . Kuz the news people the news people said you were unveiling a big tax reform proposal and i thought it was go stock like Elizabeth Warren is going to get a stun gun an were letting her loose on wall street i think that is a bolt gun. Or maybe theres going to be a new called romney tax which is a tax on romney but as free as he felt the president never forgot where he came from. You know just over a decade ago i gave a speech in boston where i said there wasnt a liberal america or a conservative america a black america or White America but a United States of america. I still believe that we are one people. Jon mr. President jon stewart new orleans time pick union. I have one question for you being president for six areas in washington d. C. For ten years why would you still think that . laughter its amazing. cheers and applause jon youve been in washington d. C. How do you still have that hope. You live in the city america invented for the sole purpose of sending its most pelty most partisan argumentative assholes, a plague evidently so ferbl the house of representativeses who sole purpose is to have representation will not allow it to be represented. Look at these people you deal with every day. Look at them not react to what under normal human circumstances would be unanimous applause lines. This Congress Still needs to pass a law that makes sure a woman is paid the same as a man for doing the same work. 11 million new jobs. A stock market that has doubled and Health Care Inflation at its lowest rate in 50 years. applause vote to give millions of hardest people in america a raise. applause jon what is that . Are you sitting because you prefer a lower stock market and fewer jobs . Do you sit because you want higher inflation . No. What is clear is that the blue the glue that holds us together as a people is not nearly as strong as the glue holding the wood of John Boehners chair to the wood of John Boehners ass i say that he has wood there applause and let me say this again and i have said this before and i say this to you tonight the American People john boehner is grute. Watch, watch, as the president has to go remedial on these folks. In is good news people. Jon this is good news. You [bleep] idiots after the speech were going to eat food. It goes in your mouth hole. Not if you made it. Bleh. And incidentally democrats didnt mention this good news during the midterms because you know they wanted to keep control of the senate but not at the cost of giving away any state of the union last night it was like the entire gop realized it was allergic to applauding things. Although to be fair to one Republican SenateMajority Leader SenateMitch Mcconnell had rolled on to his back and could not be turned over unaided. He was applause but even though he was tired of watching t even though the president speaks with affection for how our country really is unified just watch how close to the edge this mans true emotions about the people he works with really are. I have no more campaigns to run. My only agenda applause i know cus i won both of them. applause jon that is for my money, that is as close as you will ever hear to i dont go down to where you work and knock the [bleep] out of your mouth from a sitting United States president with the exception of course of president dangerfield. It happened. Look it up. He ran on a platform of lack of perspective. But despite all the talk of tax policy trade agreements and verbal dickflap. Americans really just want a personal story that feels similar to their own. So the president brought the speech home with some real people. Seven years ago rebecca and ben erler of minneapolis were newlyweds. She waited tables. He worked construction. Bens business dried up. She took out Student Loans an enrolled in Community College and retrained for a new career. Rebekah got a better job and a raise, bought their first home America Rebekah and bens story is our story. Jon what . Their story is americas story . I feel like thats way too much pressure to put on a couple. Now they have to stay together. Honey, i feel like its not working out. Go ahead. Walk out on america. laughter for more we head out to senior married correspondent samantha bee and jason jones in washington tonight. Hey guys, how are you. Hi jon cheers and applause jon what did you make what did you make of the president s repeated use of this couple ben and rebekah . Well the concept was brilliant jon. The country is a marriage and their marriage is the country. Jon yeah. It was absolute boss concept, execution kind of sucked. Yeah. Mostly the casting. Yes yes. Jon why would you hard on them. It is awkward to bring up for us but we were actually up for that part. Not that they didnt do a great job. I mean some of her choices were a little hallmark for my taste. Jon you two were going to be seated next to the first lady of the United States seriously . Uhhuh. Jon that was the coup frel gone the girl not available . How is that even possible. Maybe the president wanted people who genuinely struggled through hard time waiting tables working construction to be representative of the country, not you know tv stars. Oh my god tv stars jon, were correspondent on a basic cable fake news show. Thats the waiting tables of being on television. Plus our boss is a total munt. Jon what is a munt. Its a man [bleep]. applause jon did you just i did just get munt punted . We needed that gig more than they did. Okay what does rebekah get out of being on television, she is a waitress. Is she going to sign a deal with paramount. Is ben going to put it on his construction real. God. Jon maybe next year. At tmobile, you can hook up the whole family for a 100 a month. Get 4 lines with unlimited talk, text and up to 10 gigabytes of 4g lte data. And now the next big thing is here. Get the hottest device for everybody in the family for 0 down. So you can switch today. You better pledge your allegiance youre not the only one listen up forefathers let them have some fun some fun some fun. Coughequence 5. The sleepless night. Sorry. Robitussin dm max nighttimes dual action liquid instantly soothes your throat and delivers fast, powerful cough relief. Robitussin. Dont suffer the coughequences. Jon you know weve been talking about president obamas speech last night but for every state of the union which i think is the law of fisic, there must also be the post speech opposition response. And im excited about it. It means its time to hand out this years implode yeast. For Outstanding Achievement in unforced response speech error previous winners include dry lips mcgee. And crazy eyes where i do look . And old bobby [bleep] im going to jail. So who is going home with the implodeie this year . Joni ernst is giving the republican spors. A tea party favorite. Very strong. Instant gop rock star. A woman who rides a harley. She grew up cass straight castrating pigs. Trying to make them squeal in washington. Jon oh man gop is bringing the funk. Without better than a hog ball bull dozein squeal generating Harleys Angel to grab the attention with vitality of the American People. Take it away senator. Grow growing up, hi only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them but i was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young iowaans with bread bags slipped over their feet. Jon is that you siri . cheers and applause jon you know, that seemed like less of a response to the president s address than an application essay to nostalgia university. Nostalgia university it was better when your dad went there. What is ernst trying to accomplish by telling herr origin story. Her job was to humanize the Republican Party. laughter jon well, if her job was to humanize the Republican Party mission accomplished. All right. So that was the republican response. And i guess because shes the tea party sweetheart, it counts as a Tea Party Response as well. So i guess were done. Thats all conditions curt clawson giving the Tea Party Response. Jon what . I thought 14e was the tea all right, i guess he better have something pretty important to say to justify a separate official response. Decades ago i played basketball at purdue. We had a guard from the west coast a forward from gary a post player from cincinnati,. Jon a small from tijuana an assistant coach from the third moon of jupiter. And we had a jewish water boy with some kind of speech impediment. It all went all right. Inspiring basketball melting pot anecdote delivered. Those were the two Tea Party Responses and were done. So thats rand paul is giving on his own Youtube Channel a response. Liberal elites fly over my small town but they dont understand us. They simply seek to impose their will upon us. Jon liberal elites . Youre a doctor and a senator with a 12term congressman father and a first name synonymous with a russian novelist . Thats pretty [bleep] elite. So i guess the engineer here liberal, fine we got the response to the Tea Party Response to the Tea Party Response. I assume thats all. A response from another potential president ial candidate ted cruz. Jon how many [bleep] people are at this tea party . And what did this guy put on his feet when it rained. Median incomes have stagnated for over a decade. Let me start over. applause cheers and applause jon heres a tip. If are you looking to run for president maybe you shouldnt make your response to the state of the union look like a ransom video. laughter or the part of the porno everybody fast towards through. Senator cruz i present to you this years implodeie. I would let you give an acceptance speech but nah. Can we get a little help . Weve got pepsi what if we just take like 15 minutes . Halfway through the game . Theyve got pepsi. So what do we call that . Halftime. I like halftime. Even the first halftime wasnt halftime without pepsi see katy perry live at the pepsi superbowl 49 halftime show. We did it charlie. At ts network now has the nations strongest lte signal. Lets go tell everybody. Were doing things like putting lte radios at the top of our towers. To maximize power. And give you the strong signal you deserve. Thats awesome isnt is awesome . so yall optimizied it . We optimized it people of earth. Oh boy. Americas strongest lte signal is here loving your pizza but not the crust . Problem solved. Only pizza huts new menu finally gives crust the flavor it so rightfully deserves. Get any one of ten new crust flavors for free. Like, toasted asiago. Salted pretzel. Or honey sriracha for free. For a limited time carry out a large two topping pizza with the 7. 99 flavored up favorites deal. The flavor of now menu only at pizza hut. Welcome back to showdown im jerry rice here discussing the big race between the tortoise and the hare. My guest is stephanie branton. Jerry, im going bunny. Shocker. Not really. You see, the hares thoracic limbs allow for greater extension and elongated strides. Look for the hare to leverage this advantage. Ok. Vote on twitter for your chance to win a mercedesbenz big race viewing party. cheers and applause welcome back. Welcome back my guest tonight latest film it is called song one. You cant tell me that you thought that dropping out of college was a good idea. He did not want to go back. What was i supposed to do . You never would have let me do that. You never would have wanted to have done that ever. And speaking of you you basically dropped off the grid for six months for six months we didnt hear anything from you. And that is that okay . No i called you. I did text. Yeah the famous text yeah. Well, if you would em tea your voicemail every once in a while. Thats it, yup thats it youre right. You have all the answers. Im very uncomfortable right now. Welcome back to the program Anne Hathaway. Come on jon sit on a chair. Thank you. applause thank you cheers and applause jon let me ask you this. Who did the music in this . The music in this thing is crazy good. It is good isnt it . Jon who did this. Jenny lewis and jonathan rice. Jon the rilo what she was in a band called rilo kylie. Jon im just going to say the beatles its easier to say. Im totally happy with that. Jon the two of them are in a band. They are in a band called jenny and johnnie and they each have their own solo careers. Jon did they write specifically for this . Yes. Jon thats interesting. Its really good. Thank you. Jon did i sort of was expecting you to sing. You have a very nice voice. Thanks. Jon there is not a lot of Anne Hathaway a little bit but kind of in a thin voice and very off key. There is a reason for it. Jon yeah. They said sounded like me is that what they did . That specific note did not come up. But my character i play a young anthropologist getting her ph. D in more morocco. Something happened when she was a teenager that made her grow up too fast. She became an adult quickly young. So she never kind of explored any part of her artistic side. And then her little brother who is 19 calls her up age says im dropping out of college to be a musician and she doesnt react very well. They hadnt spoken for six months and he gets hit by a car and is in a coma. laughter that is my facebook update. And then the movie is done. And theres music. And theres a really great guy played johnny he is tremendous. Jon but your brother is in a coma that is true. Im sorry. Ive seen t and that was still a bit of a spoiler alert, im sorry. They told me when that scene came on he fell off his bread mill. Jon did he really . Treadmill. I tell you, here is the only difference between me and that guy. I dont use the treadmill . You dont . Jon i didnt. But i did fall off. I do not use it. All right. Its okay. Jon seriously lets talk about art. Lets talk about movies. Were talking about art and movies. Jon this is very serious and i think important in depth exploration of family dime in dynamics. laughter and i appreciated the work you did it in as a producer and as an actress. Thank you very much. I also want to say that it was my work as a producer on this film laughter that made me want to explore the work of others. Jon yes, no i understand. I understand. You are doing a play. I am doing a play, one woman show, what is that. Its called grounded and its. Jon it is the story of a woman who misquestion haves and has to stay in her room for a week. I understand. Jon spoiler alert. Jon yes im sorry. A one woman show, where are you doing it. Pe at the public these they are spring, we open in april. Who is better than you. Thank you. Jon song one, open in select theaters. On demand and itunes on friday Anne Hathaway everybody. Thank you. cheers and applause carpenters rainy days and mondays ac dc back in black chevy colorado. When you find new roads, you win motor trends truck of the year. Take a closer look at your fidelity green line and youll see just how much it has to offer, especially if youre thinking of moving an old 401 k to a fidelity ira. It gives you a wide range of investment options. And the free help you need to make sure your investments fit your goals and what youre really investing for. Tap into the full power of your fidelity green line. Call today and well make it easy to move that old 401 k to a fidelity rollover ira. Flo hey, big guy. I heard you lost a close one today. Look, jamie, maybe we werent the lowest rate this time. But when you show people their progressive direct rate and our competitors rates you cant win them all. The important part is, you helped them save. Thanks, flo. Okay, lets go get you an ice cream cone, champ. With sprinkles . Sprinkles are for winners. I understand. Sorry. Your morning could use a hand. Taco bells steak and egg a. M. Crunchwrap with a hash brown inside. A whole breakfast in one hand. When you feel good no one is immune. With antioxidants, electrolytes, and b vitamins plus more vitamin c than ten oranges. Emergenc transforms more than just water. Emergenc. Let your awesome out. Jon thats our show. Stay tuned for the nightly. Here it is, your moment of zen. Hey mr. Vice president. How do you feel about addressing republicans the president doing so. I think its great. And you have members of the house larry the state of the union. Obama care or obama dont care . There are so many middle aged black women in congress, i thought i was watching an earth, wind and fire concert. laughter and obama finally gave the secret wink for all the black americans to rise up. Let the race war begin dont just sit there like john boehner. Stand up and clap. This is the nightly show