laughter done and done. But first, as america confronts the seemingly unstoppable dual threats of isis and surprisingly fast white house lawnrunners, we find ourselves selecting a new crop of midterm legislators. Lets go to iowa where Sundays Senate debate saw democrat bruce braley and republican joni ernst present a real choice. Senator ernst would have voted to shut down the federal government with ted cruz, shes called president obama a dictator and thinks impeachment should be on the table. Okay, braley paints ernst as a reactionary. You threatened to sue a neighbor over chickens that came onto your property. laughter jon uhh. Touche . Youre an ultrapartisan ideologue. Oh yeah, well, you dont like having chicken bleep on your lawn boom stay down so ernst has the trespassing chicken vote sewn up. But the ultimate winner can only be decided via an oldfashioned folksyoff. I grew up in a workingclass home in a small farm town. I grew up drinking well water on a southwest iowa farm. My dad ran a grain elevator. My father is a farmer, a very proud farmer. I got my first job in the third grade. I was the morning biscuitmaker at hardees in red oak. Jon all right. Let me just tally this up. Eight points for well water. Grain elevator, very nice. Ten points for child labor. Carry the biscuitmaking. Oh, my god, its a tie you have both achieved a Wilford Brimley oatmeal level of folksiness one of you will take that downhome, justfolks, realamericanness to washington to write the kind of commonsense, awshucks laws we need. Or you would, if making laws was still what congress did. Allow me to explain. All americans know how a bill become a law. I im just a bill only a bill and im sitting here on capitol hill in the wake of the 2008 catastrophic Bank Collapse that destroyed the worlds economy, it was meant to reform a crippled financial system. After six months of hearing, congress produced a water down toothless piece of bleep that leaves our economy almost as vulnerable as precrisis or as congress now calls that, their finest hour. The Current Congress is bad at passing legislation. Their record is dismal. On track to be the least productive in history. Jon in other words, congress has greatly simplified the process for passing laws, in that it doesnt. But that doesnt mean its useless which bruce us to the new segment, how a bill becomes an ad. We have a whole agenda now called the fair shot agenda equal pay for women, equal work, minimum wage, helping pay for college. Jon democrats like Chuck Schumer are aware theres no possibility for any of those to be passed why do at a continue to pursue them . Now, we democrats would prefer these items pass and become law. But if republicans continue to oppose these issues, theyll do so at their own political risk. Thats the distinction we will draw in november. Jon so once a year mimicking it is written that in our 11th month, we gather as a congregation to draw a distinction between, as my momma used to put it, fecklessness and obstructionism. laughter let me tell you something cheers and applause he would be killed at my bar mits virginia schumer Just Launched the fair shot agenda like a clay pigeon for republicans to shoot down, so that democrats could run Midterm Campaign ads like these. Hey, mitch, why do you do refuse to give students the same loan rates as those big banks while voting 17 times against the minimum wage. And equal pay for equal work . laughter jon oh. Haters, gonna hate, hate well, im just gonna shake it off. Ayup. Good work, Senate Democrats you figured out how to turn perpetual gridlock into perpetual gridlockade. Of course, republicans do the same thing in the chamber they control. You ever wonder why the house wasted everyones time on 54 failed votes to repeal all or part of obamacare . Heres why. Barber has fallen in line with obama and pelosi, even voting to defend obamacare. Voted to keep obamacare not once but three times of course, he wants obamacare look at his freakishly disfigured body before obamacare, his creepy giant head and hands syndrome would have been exempted as a preexisting condition. Right now youre probably saying to yourself, i cannot believe how childish and cynical our congress has become. Dont throw up yet. Senate republicans are helping democrats move legislation on equal pay and Campaign Finance reform. Jon what oh, my gosh, i would say hooray for that if i didnt know in my heart its not some ruse. Republicans acknowledge theyre chewing up time on the floor. Theyre preventing democrats led by Senate Majority leader harry reid to schedule a politically volatile vote before the fall recess. Jon well come to your new congress, people. See what theyre doing . They say, i see your attack ad bait and raise your timekilling, false cooperation. Democrats and republicans are on a bad date. Democrats know the republicans dont want to be there, and republicans know that the democrats know the republicans dont want to be there. laughter so in their cynicism, the democrats have asked wanna see the dessert menu . And out of spite, the republicans have said, bring over the whole bleep cart. laughter and the espresso machine, because i can do this all night long you know what . Were not gonna have sex, but im gonna make sure you dont bleep anybody else. So the classic how a bill becomes a law. Its a bill making me ill now i dont be a campaign so im holding my dick sit here and wait while the bad bleep hold a phony debate i cant take it anymore im done ill buy a gun and my brainy spill on the capitol hill jon well be right hmm. Trade in your old iphone and get a new iphone free at verizon. Did you say something, paul . Huh . No. Can i route our trip . I love our trips. Oh, me too. But no im good i know where im headed. How about music . Nah i dont really feel like just the two of us we can make it if we what a fun drive. We always have so much fun. Remember that one time we okay. Sure you loved your old iphone. But youll love your free new iphone you trade it for even more. The smartest or nothing. The quietest or nothing. The sleekest. Sexiest,. Baddest,. Safest,. Tightest,. Quickest,. Harshest. Or nothing. At mercedesbenz, we do things one way or we dont do them at all. Introducing the allnew cclass. The best or nothing. The double and triple fishermans knot ok google, whats a double fishermans knot . Are used in arboriculture. She got it right, man. Yeah, see . Ok google, how do i get to silver falls . Getting directions to silver falls. Ok google, what times sunset . The sun will set at 8 08 p. M. [laughs] wow. Wooo. Hoo cheers and applause jon welcome back. As you know, the u. N. General assembly met in new york last week, and as with every year, it was pretty much the march of the wooden politicans pontificating to apathetic, halffilled rooms, until hhhang on, whats going on there . Indian Prime MinisterNarendra Modi was given a superstar reception as he addressed a sellout crowd at new Yorks Madison Square garden. Some 20,000 members of the indianamerican community turned out. Jon 20,000 people . No world leader has drawn that Many Americans for anything so a triumphant moment for the newly elected indian Prime Minister modi. Are you enjoying that . laughter it is good listen, modi, youre playing a standing room gig at m. S. G. , you dont know pressure. So i hope team modi can put on a show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, your emcee for today, miss america 2014 music, usa chant cheers and applause jon so, wait how did you do that . Everyone wanted a piece of the new star, hillary clinton, bill de blasio, chris christie, i. B. M. , goldman sachs, even the wig dog himself whom i can only assume turned to modi and said, must be nice to have that new leader smell tell you what, modi, dont give your People Health insurance because they just bleep you in the end cheers and applause the democrats didnt take to modi nearly like the republicans who were won over by his message. Prime minister modi far exceeded my expectations. It was a powerful speech. It electrified the audience. This new Prime Minister mr. Modi is what i think will become the next Ronald Reagan for the world. Jon the next Ronald Reagan blessed by thy name laughter that is a sacred honor usually only reserved for airports and post offices. I wonder if modi can live up to the name. Some suggest that the adoring crowds in Madison Square garden were representative of indias wealthy and not indias poor majority, who they say were being harmed by deregulation and privatization. They also say that his economic credentials and policies are only helping the 1 , the rich. Jon that is the new rage applause but, of course, reagan was a great communicator, something modi will have to live up to. On saturday, modi spoke at central park. He has a chance to prove his reaganisms as a man who can speak to all people. Share your words in ways we americans can understand. indiscernible cheers and applause jon wait a minute do other countries think we actually believe in star wars . I now honor the words of your prophet, do or do not, there is no try well be right back. This is the new iphone 6. And this is the new iphone 6 plus. Theyre the biggest iphones ever made. Theyre huge. Yeah, but their size is just the beginning. Even though theyre huge. Sure, sure. But they could change the way you see the world. Oh, that is so huge. They could improve your health. Huge theyre the biggest, most powerful iphones ever made. Huuuuuuuggggeee huuuuuuuggggeee stop it, please. 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You seem pretty laid back, type b. Speaking of which, amys blood type. I dont know, ill have to look it up at the house. You dont know if she has friends, dont know what she does all day and you dont know her blood type. Are you sure yall are married . Jon well come back to the program, ben affleck cheers and applause jon ill tell you what made me laugh. So youre beefing up for the batman role, but when you came up on to the stairs and we had a little bro hug, very little, i really felt like your son after a Little League game, all right . laughter infield single is as good as anything else and a walk is good as a hit, jon, you did great. Walk is good as a hit i just want to go back. Something is on my mind. Yeah. No. Jon you directed a movie, called rose water, right . I might have. Coming out in november. This movie is about iran. Theres some iran in that movie, right. laughter think of it theres eleven babyish words in copy cat. Jon what was the name . Originally argos rose water. Jon i thought you directed fargo. Im terribly sorry. Now i feel badly. Turns out, they incarcerated more than one person. Lets talk about you and the work youre going. The tremendous work youre doing. This gone girl, first of all, youre in two of the most highly anticipated movie, gone girl and batman versus superman. Heres the thing, if i can in gone girl, he kills his wife. In batman and superman, superman kills batman what the bleep jon im just telling them. laughter you did not say dont tell everybody on the show the movie will be out in march of 2016 i thought thats why you didnt want me to wait its actually cool. Jon al all right. So David Finchers gone girl, well talk about this later, hes phenomenal. No, hes great. Hes great. laughter so this film, what they wanted, i dont want the say ghost director, but, you know jon oh, did he come to you for a lot of advice . A lot of help. Hes a guy thats new, looking for help and said, hey, you wouldnt mind making the decisions . Youre a good kid youre starting out so in terms of casting maybe the entire movie, thats mostly you. Its amazing. Virtually every shot in the movie, i am entirely responsible for. Because its getting tremendous reviews. I know, isnt that fun jon yes i wasnt going to come out in front of the movie. David is an amazing jon yeah. It was as much about getting to act for him which is great because he really protects you and hes very smart and makes a smart movie and its also like stealing stuff as a director. These are the kind of movies. Jon the fandom, youre in the swamps where people have very high expectations. Oh, yes. Jon but the gone girl delivers. Its from a great book. Its about not only their expectations but marriage and relationships and its dark and a lot of hot button stuff, and people have expectations on you definitely have to tread lightly but at the end of the day jon its excellent. Its in theaters friday. But batman and superman. I say this, holy bleep dont say anything else. Jon all right. But just, to me yep. Jon the transition from adam west to people that are in shape, like yourself laughter it really makes me wonder if the next it regulation of batman will just lose the entire utility vote. laughter makes me wonder, what do you need the grappling hook and smoke bomb if you can kick peoples asses just normally. That rules me out, but, yes, i know what you mean. You have to, like you jon stop. I think you made a mistake going up against superman. No matter how good you do, he can fly. Yeah. Youre in the middle of the fight with superman and youre like you know laughter and then superman is just like, mmmmm bleep his lasers at you bleep . And then he just flies, like laughter you know, youre done laughter that is the smoke pellet and now youve given it away alongside the ending of the movie and my other movie. Thats about it. Jon im a terrible interviewer. Gone girl, great, hes great in it. 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Thats what i want to do. Be an engineer. [ male announcer ] join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring americas future engineers. Energy lives here. So did you hear the new iphone is out . Im getting one sprint is offering this exclusive new plan with unlimited data. The plan is only 50 a month 50 . Unlimited iphone [glass shattering] so should we eat . The new sprint simply unlimited plan, exclusively for iphone 6. Unlimited data, talk and text for just 50 a month. Switch to sprint and well buy out your contract. Its the best value in wireless. Jon thats our show here it is. Your moment of zen. Dont retreat. You reload with truth, which i know is an endangered species at know is an endangered species at 1,400 pennsylvania im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine