Seahawks scrimmaged with the [cheers and applause] team of stoned colorado teenagers [laughter] fox air another worldclass matchup as the most powerful man in the free world sat down with obama to cover topics like loose nukes, middle east peace, trade regulations and the environment. Im just bleep with you. Libya. Your detractors believe you did not tell the world it was a terror attack because your campaign didnt want that out. I have to get to the irs. You are say nothing corruption with the health care. When did you know there were problems with the computers . Jon look at that oreilly dipping wholescale in the full fox scandal of grab bag. Though theyve been investigated on multiple occasion its a big show, its a super bowl preshow you have to play the hits. Do you think the chili peppersps are going to come out at halftime in the super bowl and not go full nip snl new york city they are going full nipple. Do you think im unfair to you. Absolutely. Of course, you are, bill. Jon pass the nachos, mama. We just went through an interview in which you asked about health care not working, irs where we wholly corrupt, benghazi, these kinds of things keep on surfacing in part because you and your tv station will promote them. [cheers and applause] jon holy that is quite an accusation. That fox news unfairly promotes and in some cases creates scandals [laughter] for the sole purpose of undermining this president although in obamas defense, it is true. [laughter] that is exactly what fox does every day with the exception of the one hour every two weeks where john stossel exposes how Homeless People are scamming the system. How does fox news respond to to outrageous yet completely accurate charge. Our commander in chief does d what he does best and tried to change the subject. Picking a fight with fox news. He tried to turn night an attack on fox. Jon brilliant move. Deflect the spotlight from your scandals by doing an interview with fox about them right before the most watched event in the history of television. That obama keeping it on the dl of. [laughter] [ applause ] this isnt the first time that fox has caught yoab hiding his scandals by doing the old squirrel look over there. Take the obamacare rollout. Trying to change the subject away from Obama Obamacare to immigration. Income inequality. Have you chase rabbits. News of the deal dominated political talk which means focus has shift add way from obamacare. Its another attempt to distract from the disastrous rollout. He is talking about equal rights for gays and lesbians in the workplace. This is distraction, david . Jon you know the president doesnt work for fox, snriet he can deviate from your script. Its like equal rights for gay people, thats not your line. [ laughter ] your line is, yes, obamacare is a rear guard assault on the American Values that we hold dear. Son i and my muslim overlords will control the entire thats your line. Say it. [cheers and applause] of course fox fox has been all over obamas misdirection juju from the getgo. The president found time to make a speech highlighting his stances on drone strikes, an obvious attempt to distraction the American People from what is really important the benghazi coverup. He used the speech to distract us from the irs. All of a sudden theres a push for higher levels of gun registration. This is just to divert attention away. Absolutely its a complete distraction. These things are planted by barack obama on purpose, laura, to distract us from what is really going on irs, doj, nsa, benghazi. Jon im beginning to think that the may be the fox news buddhist mantra. First we light the candles and then we begin to pray, irs, doj, nsa, benghazi, irs, doj, benghazi, irs, doj, nsa benghazi. [ laughter ] if theres one thing obama has been trying to squirrel us for his entire term its got to be the economy. This say desperate political ploy by the white house to distract attention from the failed economic policy. Today were addressing the nsa. Why arent we talking about the economy. We have definitive proof that was obama obama. When dough were the it was osama bin laden. When do we Start Talking about the exe again. Jon really, even killing bin laden was a part of the master distraction plan. Really . You think he went dun there hey, look, owe psalma, we osama, we boys but have you seen my jobs numbers. Sorry, bro i have to take you out. Theres only so many portuguese water dogs can i adopt. At long last, president obama, is there nothing you wont do to distract us from the economy . Another day another socalled major address from president obama. This was at knox college in illinois on the economy hoping to distract attention away from the scandals. Jon what the bleep . I thought you said he was using the scandals to distract us from the economy and now hes using the economy to distract us from the scandals oh, goddamn it. Hold on. What is going on here . Im just going to get out my book of mathematics [laughter] holy bleep by the transactive properties of distraction we find ourselves dangerously close to be caughting in a hawking distraction loop from which we can never divert our attention long enough to figure out squirrel what is happening. Wait a minute. What is fox trying to accomplish here . [laughter] theyve allowed an endless parade of political posturing and scandals to distract from growing our economy and strengthening the middle class. Jon oh, no its begun the distraction loop. But i had an irs hearing scheduled for noooooo. [cheers and applause] wait, hold on. 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But hed wait for her forever, and would always be there with the biggest welcome home. For a love this strong, dawn only feeds him iams. With 2x the meat of other leading brands. To help keep rockys body as strong as a love that never fades. Iams. Keep love strong. With 2x the meat. Love the iams difference or your money back. You walked into the hotel as a 5 but when she saw the room. You turned into a weird 7. When she saw the rooftop pool. You went to 11 you two should probably get a room. Oh thats right you already did. At planet earths number one accomodation site. Booking. Com booking. Yeah choose two meltinyour mouth entrees, Olive Gardens best 2 for 25 yet is ending soon like new parmesan crusted chicken, 3 courses, 2 people, just 25 at olive garden also enjoy weekday signature favorites, four classic pastas, now just 10 [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. Folks, buckle your seatbelts because the country of china has taken another great leap forward. This time into space. [ laughter ] china has become just the third country to take a soft landing on the moon, beijings newest spacecraft land thered today. It carried a six wheel lunar rover equipped with four camera and two mechanical laids to dig soil samples. Its called the jade rabbit. Jon thats nice, chance good for you. Americas apollo lunar rover dates back to 1971 but good for you. 43 years ago meaning normally this is where i would Say Something like i dont know suck it china but i shall refrain. Mainly because we wrote it in moon dust 43 years ago. Boom i dropped a bomb on you ill even restrain myself from pointing out that the jade rabbit chinas source of National Prize shares the name of a exotic machine that is ribbed for extra pleasure. That jade rabbit can also send you to the moon. [laughter] and from the looks of it make a very delightful and fluffy so souffle,. We wish chinas jade rabbit all the best, long may it rove. The lunar explorer known as jade rabbit broke down while studying the moons crust. The rover could not deal with the lunar environment. Jon i knew they should have sent the dildo. I screwed that all up because i was so excited to get to the world dildo. [ laughter ] all the s and sh sounds on the way were like banana peels. Im coming dildo, here i come. Woo im no moon expert [laughter] but im pretty sure being able to deal with the lunar environment is is what you would consider a core competency for a lunar rover d. Jade rabbit just bleep its way through the job interview. Mr. Rabbit i see a lot of good stuff on the resume. The wheel theres, and what do you call it that grabs the rocks . Well need that. Excellent. How comfortable with the lunar environment . Lunar environment, i mean, im not a liewn lunatic but im willing to learn. [laughter] obviously its a setback for chinas government and its people. How are they coping . People in china are using the hangintherejaderabbit. Jon hang in there jade rabbit. You know its a go kart, right . You twabt give somebody a pep talk theres an apple factory two blocks down. How is the jade rabbit supposed to respond to this . Jade rabbit post read oops, i might have broken down my masses are trying to figure out ways to save me but i might not make it through this moon night. [laughter] jon hang in there, jade rabbit. I got moon dust in the eyes. China may not have run the race for space but they won the race for most leer call and poetic robot ive ever heard. All we get when American Computers fail is like a Public Domain song from the 1800s. You call that moving . You might as well just break out alexanders ragtime band. Look, i really am bleep old, arent i . I felt the entire audience go is that gravity, what movie is that . I cannot stress this enough, these are the actual words from chinas media on behalf of jade rabbit. And they are the notebook level heartrending. Lets go out to the moon right now. Perhaps we can just hear a little bit more of his real actual beautiful last words. Hello, everyone. My master found i have a mechanical control abnormality, some of my body parts will not obey their commands. Jon goddamn it jade, dont you quit on me. Dont you quit on me jade rabbit. Dont you do it jade rabbit. The sun has fallen and the temperature is dropping so quickly. [ laughter ] to tell you all a secret, i dont feel that sad. I was just in my own adventure story and like every hero, i am am encountered a small problem. Good night, earth. Good night. Good night, humanity. [ laughter ] jon good night, moon. Daisy, daisy give me awr jon good night, moon. Daisy, daisy give me awr answer [poof ] [beep] [clicks mouse] nice office. How you doing . Good. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight shes got a new film its called the lego movie. Will you please tell me what is happen something in. Im rescuing you, sir. You are the one of prophecy spoke of. You are the special. Me . You found the piece of resistance and the prophecy states that you are the most important, most talented, most interesting and most extraordinary person in the universe. Thats you, right . Yes, thats me. Great, you drive. What . Please welcome back to the program elizabeth banks. [cheers and applause] jon thats a lot of heel. These are the dumbest shoes. [cheers and applause] jon thats hard to walk in. I walk around in these puppies. You cant even see them. His to put them up. Why am i wasting my time walking out in these. You better watch it. Jon in general, what is both of those things are working together. [ laughter ] what is the time limit you can get around walking . I could barely make it down the hall. Im like a mom now. Look at these stupid things. Jon this is what my mom used to wear around the house all the time. I do housework in these jon. What . Jon if your mom maybe worked at moulin rouge. My cute loubies. Jon looks awfully uncomfortable. I did it for you. Jon is that true . The fact that a woman would make herself terribly uncomfortable for me. Its never happened before. I know. Jon you disappear into this character. Thank you for that it was a real transformation. Jon i saw her and and i knew it was but. Then you forgot. Jon people say oh, its the wig. No. Its that i dive deep. I dive deep. Jon what you brought to what is the characters name . Wild style. Jon wild style, she is what is she . [laughter] well, you know in the movie shes dating batman. Jon what . Its her boyfriend, batman. Shes a narcissistic jerk, this guy, right . Jon batman . He has issues. I dont know if you know. Hes an orphan. A real dark guy. Really dark in his heart. Thats the thing about him. Hes really the dark knight or so ive heard. [laughter] jon if you are a crime fighter and stand for youll that is good in the world. Sure. Jon why pick a bat . Why transform into a vampire. Why not pick somebody everybody loves, a beaver . I know a lot of guys that love beavers. Jon that is true. Why i tell you why i was thinking of that. I dont know why you were thinking that, jon. Jon here is what is going to upset you when i was thinking of that animal. My kid is in third grade. Your child made you think of a beaver . Jon they did a home with museum prongt leni lenape indians and you turned it into a vagina reference for beaver. You said vagina. I didnt say vagina. What are you talking about . I had no idea. Jon you said with it a knowing nod. You said that the native americans ate the beavers . Is that what you are telling me. I didnt know this either. Jon again, youve done it again. What . Jon this should never happen. Can i Say Something this would never happen if she was espadrilles, never. That is a ashoe with a reasonable reference. That made me question you. Jon do people wear those . Of course. Its a summer shoe. Jon its a comfortable shoe like a sneaker. No, its not a sneaker. Jon its not a clog. Its not this, let me tell you. Let me tell what you its not, not this. Jon its not this. Do you remember something called the earth shoe. It was the opposite of this. The heel was supposed to be lower than the you walked like this . Jon yes because somehow its how cavemen walked. Something. They came out with this. It was in the 70s. It was supposed to be good for your feet and soul. There was a lot in the 70s that was supposed to be good for you. How about the shoes where your toes are its like a glove for your foot. Jon foot glove. Its called foot glove. I see everybody walking down the streets in those. Jon people in new york dont walk in a foot glove, trust me. [ laughter ] unless they have some sort of polyurethane urine protection. Lego movie in theaters on friday. Im looking forward to it. Thank you. Jon elizabeth banks, everybody. [cheers and applause] oh. Lets go. From the crack, off the backboard. [ laughs ] dad [ laughs ] whoo oh youre up oh oh so close now where were we . Ok, this ones good for two. Score [ male announcer ] share what you love with who you love. Kelloggs frosted flakes. Theyre grreat [ male announcer ] may your lights always be green. [ tires screech ] [ beeping ] may you never be stuck behind a stinky truck. [ beeping ] may things always go your way. But its good to be prepared. Just in case they dont. Toyota. Lets go places, safely. [cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Theres a Silver Lining in the sky cheerio chin chin, napoo, captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. Thank you so much. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen