Jeff garlin. But first, a Crisis Brewing right here in new york. It began last week with remarks from governor andrew cuomo. Its the Republican Party in this state a moderate party or an extremely conservative party . Who are they . Are these they extreme conservatives who are right to life, proassault weapon, antigay . Is that what they are who they are . [laughter] jon i didnt know there were that many sill liables sill sylallsble circumstances in gay. Either he is spending way too much time with senator schumer or he is my grandmother. Who are they, gaaaay . If thats who they are, if they are the extreme conservatives they have no place in the state of new york. Jon whoa. Thats a little rough. Cuomo wasadvising new yorks Republican Party to clarify the identity to stay viable in this left leaning state but it accidentally came out as bleep bleep , bleep bleep . [ laughter ] not hes best moment. As we know minority groups in new york can be very sensitive. One type of new york are not in particular. Minority in particular. No place in the state of new york. Governor, you dont want me. Tell me specifically why im not allowed to be here. Im leaving. As soon as i can get out of here, i am out. [cheers and applause] jon wow. What a wholly unexpected response to that sean hannity says as soon as i can get out im leaving but he has to know its not east germany. You can really get out any time. Large metropolitan area, weve got airports, interstates, seaport. [ laughter ] you could walk. [ laughter ] i would carry you. [ laughter ] but that didnt stop mr. Hannity from taking the grievance train toll victimtown which is really the only Public Transportation he has been on. Why should i move forward when my governor said theres no place for me in new york. Maybe he doesnt get it. What is the story are you leaving new york . We hope for something positive. This is an awful thing what he said. Traditional marriage americans are not welcome in the state. Protraditional marriage theres no place for you in new york. Jon . Theres no place for us, antigay, progun no place take my hand if you are not a dude [laughter] so hannity wants to relocate. Its a pretty sweet prize and opportunity for Florida Governor rick scott. Sean, come on down. Look at our weather. You probably have a jacket today. Were in short sleeves, the fishing capital of the world. Jon between the gators ant possum and palmetto bugs no one here has even noticed im a hairless snake man im a hairless snake man. I run your state and im a hairless snake [laughter] [cheers and applause] he did that without me even playing a note. Scotts reptilian past leaves an opening for rick perry to woo hannity. Im a man not wanted in the state i was born in anymore and there are two states on my list, texas and florida. The old motto about texas being the friendship state, it shows through in how we treat people and you are certainly you certainly know you are welcome and youll be treated like a true friend. Jon thats all he is looking for. [ laughter ] friend, just looking for a place where the governor is inclusive of all people even those who disagree with him. I governor who would never suggest if you dont fit the majority mold or like their politics you best move on. Like how in texas gay marriage is illegal. Texans have made a decision about marriage, and that if theres some other state that has a more lenient view than texas, maybe its a better place for them to live. Jon wow, sounds kind of what sean hates about our governor. I guess its called the friendship state because a lot of people there are only allowed to be friends. So sean hannity is disgusted disgusted he is disgusted at the new york governors intolerance. He is threatening to move to a place whose governor said pretty much the exact same thing. He has a case of selective undergarment bunching or sub. [ laughter ] so what is really going on here . I wouldnt pay a 10 state tax in florida or texas. I would save a lot of money. Jon oh, right. I have forgotten how much the takers in this state have been exploiting his success. Because if he goes theres one less statefunded Cocaine Party for our homeless. We must keep him. But how . [laughter] we know you are mad at us and you have every right to be, occupy wall street, governor cuomo, that weird smell, new yorkers made a lot of big mistakes but were going to change. Just please stay. Stay. Stay. We cant lose you. Stay. Yo sean man, you cant leave we need you dog. I will lose my accent if you say. Lets grab a beer and watch the game. How is that . Well make sex in the city tours sean and the city tours. Were in love but well marry women in instead. That pipeline well run it through central park no bleep problem. What is a hoodie without a hood . The city depends upon job creators like you, sean. Well give you the perks you deserve. Well name a street averagan. Hell, well name them all averagan. Worried about your commute home, no problem. This atrain is now running directly to seans house. Please. Stay. Stay. Stay,. Stay mr. Hannity stay what will we do if you have gone away who would tax if his money was gone who would we impose socialism upon stay mr. Hannity, stay prolife and antigay stay in your second home dont disappear forever like alan gomes please, mr. Hannity, please keep your unique friends far insanity keep me away from the rest of humanity. Stay mr. Hannity, stay snet whatever the governor may do or say the name of the state that fills you with hate stay mr. Hannity stay wont you stay [cheers and applause] on Second Thought who gives a bleep what you do. [cheers and applause] jon well be bact bac [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the show. Now tomorrow night, tomorrow night president will address the state of our union. Lets get a jump on with it our own check of some of societies institutions in our new segment where are we now . I i have a half hour. A third after this is taken up with jeff garlin. Stay tuned tonight for jeff garlin from the hit show the goldbergs. [cheers and applause] i know i have seen him in other things but im pretty sure its only the goldbergs. The news media is looking strong. Last week, for instance, msnbc ran a surprisingly substantive debate about government surveillance. Wants recommendations but i think at this point we should seriously consider not let me interrupt you. Congresswoman let me interrupt you for a moment. We have break news out of miami. Jon breaking news that is more urgent than the government spying on americans and from miami . Did miamis sound machine spontaneously combust killing millions . It would be the greatest tragedy since the great c and c music fire of 1911. Tell me its not that. Is stand by if you will, in Miami Justin Bieber has been arrested on a number of charges. [cheers and applause] [audience boos] jon they are not booing they are saying boober. You interrupted a former congresswoman and National Security expert for something Justin Bieber did . Unless he caused an earthquake in japan i doubt it was worth it. Still the media flooded the zone for biebers drag racing arrest with crn n in particular pulling out the stops with a special report fit footage lifted from tm z testimony from three former child stars and state of the arm cgi simulation. When he raced against a fer rar your on a quiet stretch of beach both vehicles nearly twice the speed limit. Two black s. U. V. S blocking the roadway. Jon and then yoshi hit a supercell and who shows up, just in time to beat up hookers oh, the humanity. [ laughter ] point is. What a terrible idea of coverage. What about our elected representative. Senator ted cruz of texas. It Leading Light of Republican Party. A few months ago he pushed the g. O. P. To shut dlun down the government any regrets . I said we shouldnt shut the government down. If you didnt to threaten to shut down the government who did . Harry reid and president obama. Jon i dont remember it that way. There is just one thing about that. Senator john cornyn said mate be necessary to partially shut down the government in order to secure the longterm fiscal well being of the country. We shut the government down. We will do what we have to do, shutdown the government if we have. Tom the government has to shut down. I say shut it down. Jon looks like we got ourselves one of those he said, actual videotape recordlings of the events fete said disagreements. I guess well never know the truth. You can learn more about what happened at teds reimagining of cruz your own adventure from the northern states is and the confi did. Thats where the prom nebt representatives representatives are at what about the Civil Servants at the state department. Its a privilege to introduce George Tsunis the nominee for the ambassador to norway. He is a perfect candidate for ambassador. Jon good for him. I sure people laughed at him when he majored in norwegian Political Science and minored in fjords. Who is laughing now . Have you been to norway . No. Jon been to norway . Are you kid me that place is a frozen bleep . I wouldnt bleep with sweden bleep you know what im Say Something in did i get the job or what . Come on. Why on dearth president obama nominate a guy who has never been to norway to be the ambassador of norway in the first place. He raised nearly 850,000 for the president s reelection campaign. Jon can we pum the live feed from norway right about now . Yeah. All right. Things are looking pretty bad for everything but lets not forget, we dont have to go in that direction we have a new inspirational pope. No matter how tough things seem we can find solace threat in his profound message of peace. He demonstrated that again with a manufacturing prayer followed by the symbolic release of two white doves. One of the doves was actually attacked by a seagull the other by a black crow. [ laughter ] jon okay. You may see that as a chilling moment of peace, torn asundayer by the forces of violent chaos. I see a black crow and a white seagull putting aside their differences to work together. Were a tong to [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. My guest tonight a very funny actor and comedian. He stars on abcs the goldbergs. Hey you got a sec . I think we should have a talk, man to man. Really . Okay. Ive never been a great communicator, so i think i should keep things as direct and exact as possible. All right. Were not just going to have the talk were going to experience the talk. Were going to do some role playing. Im going be the girl. Youll be the boy and were going to learn where babies come from with our hands. Jon please welcome back to the show jeff garlin. [cheers and applause] note net [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] jeff garlin is here. [cheers and applause] thank you. Thats a beautiful camera. I didnt know they made those anymore. Its a range finder. Its a liceum m monochrome. You mentioned my name and not much of a reaction and you said lets let them know he is coming out soon. Jon let me tell you why ive brought you on no that weve within friends many, many years and were close and i love you. Yes. Jon here is why i brought you on. Tell me. Jon as a member of cast of the goldberlgs you are at the forefront putting a positive face on a jewish family on television. [laughter] for maybe the first time to me my misbookah cosby. I never thought of it that way. Jon to see a jewish father nonthreatening with a career its beautiful. Im very threatening on the show. Jon i havent seen the show. [ laughter ] im grumpy. Time in tighty whiteys all the time. Its not the image most jews would like. Jon is that true . Yeah. Jon would jews ever agree on what image . No, no. Oh, my god, no. Jon in my family we cant adegree on what channel to watch the Football Game on. Either hd or sd thats a fight. Thats how bleep up we are. Did you lose weight . You look great. Im losing weight at all times. [ laughter ] i am. Let me just say this, ill know when ive lost enough weight when people stop asking me to play chris christie. [cheers and applause] thats when ill know. Jon you guys ultimately will end up playing him anyway as you lose weight he is losing weight and its you and him in a many ofy about going to the gym. You are both going to be in such good shape. I would be happy to play him post what he has done. Jon its about health. If you are Feeling Healthy and he is Feeling Healthy. I dont care what people look like. Are you Feeling Healthy . I am rather handsome as i lose weight. Jon you are handsome from the day i met you. We used to sit in what is it . [laughter] why do you do this j all right. Tell me about the show. Dont do that. Tell me about the show is always ad ad about question. Jon here is what we used to. There was a place 72nd street. Bjs bagels agogo. Jon a bagel place with girls you would think. No, you would hope. Jon but the tuna there. Fantastic. Jon what was so special about it. It was delicious. I dont know. [ laughter ] jon no bleep . No onions and celery and capers, none of it. It was just tuna salad. Jon straight up, baby. Old school. Knoll high definition. No, it was your standard definition tuna and i looked it. Jon it was incredible and we would sit there for hours and talk about how jeff one day would break the barrier for jews on television. Do you know that in all sinnerner sincerity my dream was to be on a Network Sitcom in order to some day make independent movies. Thats what im doing. I made a movie called laggie, is that im in. I got paid 8. I played kiera knightleys father. I was disturbed by that and i also did a documentary called finding vivienne meyer, a lady who was a nanny. I couldnt do that because i make nothing. But now i do the goldbergs i make a lot jon this is why i love this man because from the moment i met him not just a comic, an artist. Let me say this jon no. I will say this the goldbergs [laughter] airs tuesday night in black and white at 9 00 on abc jeff garlin. [cheers and applause] aaaaaaa [cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. This is the future that remains to be won, and it will be won. Test. Stephen whooo hooohooo hooo cheers and applause stephen come on boom whooo