Times. Saying u. S. Military action in syria would hurt civilians and spread conflict. Jon first of all, New York Times, thats how you reach out to americans . laughter youre not familiar with buzzfeed or maybe, i dont know duck dine steerx i dont know, right there second of all y are you [bleep] on news the New York Times. Just moments after we saluted your statesmanship . You had to say one more thing. Youre like the larry david of international diplomacy. laughter but look, reasonable people can disagree on syria. Vladimir putin is entitled to his opinion on our political strategy. But now putin is taking aim at obamas claims that america is an exceptional nation. Jon oh no you did not. laughter what part of butter elvis dont you understand . laughter stating it is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. We are all different, but when we ask for the lords blessings, we must not forget that god created us equal. Jon [bleep] is that . When did Vladimir Putin start watching oprah . What the hell . And by the way, vladimir, i dont think youre the best guy to play the equality card. We are all together, beautiful colors in a rainbow, as long as you dont wave that rainbow as a flag. This is it. You want us to go rocky iv on your ass . Because yeah, okay, you might have the superior training, facilities. You might have the superior body types but you picked a fight in the New York Times op ed page. So guess who youre stepping in the ring with. Get ready for the expoundable, yeah, thats right. You may take down crugman but dowd will be right behind way cutting and unfavourable comparison with you an lets say mcdreamy from grays anatomy. She goes down you still have to contend with christoph, freedman or doe dt this at, dod brooks, brooks well be right back. Jon welcome back. You know, living in the new york city were continually reminded of where our food comes from. Whether it be shake shack or secretary avenue deli. But did you know that the food that you eat comes from someplace before that . laughter aasif mandvi filed this report. Americas heartland grows crops to feed the world. But we often forget to acknowledge those who bring us this bountiful harvest year after year. Biotech companies. Biotech companies are revolutionizing farming. Really . Yes, they are helping to put more food on tables throughout the world. For instance biotech giant monsanto makes patented genetically modified seeds that resist highly toxic weed killers. Which they also happen to make. But now their timehonored way of lifed is under attack. Sometimes farmers act in a man their is not in the best interest of the biotechnology feed company. Yes, big farmer has forced monsanto to pursue legal action against them over 500 times a year. Monsanto lawyers are accusing farmers of violating their patents recordless 6 whether they are doing it or not. Maybe they deserve it. Thats not true. But come on, these seeds are patented. One case i am aware, percenty, trucks driving by his farm on the way to the elevators, the seeds blew off his truck into the field, he was sued. Maybe he shouldnt have built his farm downwind. Thats ridiculous. It costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to defend against a patentinfringement lawsuit. They basically force to us fall into line with their rules. Do you know how hard it is to develop seeds. Its not like they grow on trees. All monsanto asks is that greedy farmers pay a yearly licensing fee tore new seeds rather than reuse seeds from a previous harvest, the way theyve done since farming began. Monsanto patenting our plants is a theft of our genetic heritage. Maybe you should patent your genetic heritage and then they cant patten the patent of genetic heritage. See thats why patent lawyers are so vital. Theyve done what farmers have never been able to do. Collect royalties on nature. You can patent anything . No. I mean you can patent seeds. Thats true. Can you patent air . Not aware of any patents on air. No, can you patent this that is not patent eligible it has to be novell and nonobvious. Can i get a patent on that . Highly unlikely. Its kind of a weird thing. Look, see that, ladis . Even if you did, it would be very tough tone force. But not difficult for our heroic patent attorneys, considering what theyve helped monsanto achieve. Monsantos lawyers are professionals. This is all they do is sue farmers. Thats how theyve gaved a 93 market share. You have a 39 market share. 93 . You have to do a lot of suing to get that kind of market share. I mean this is backbreaking work theyre doing. What are you doing . Growing food. Big deal. And any dip stick can grow food. You can grow tomatoes on a rooftop. Didnt take a lot of skill. It took five generations to get to this point, to accumulate what we have. And you know, biotech patent law has been around since 1985. Its time to honor these unsung heroes. Its morning again in americas firms. Somewhere today a law firmer is tossing on his brooks brotherals and working hard in the field to uncover case of patent infringement, doing the faxing, proofreading, redacting and litigating that no one else in america seems to have the wherewithal to do any more. Its a tough job. But it has its rewards. A lot of rewards. In fact, its mostly rewards. Its the kind of work that makes a boy look into his fathers smiling eyes and say dad, some day i want to [bleep] over a farmer. Just like you do. Opinions express in no way reflect those of the daily show. Monday tenant monsanto, pleast cheers and applause jon welcome back. My guest tonight one of our greatest coldians and ackers, directors, writers, new book is called still fooling them, where ive been where im going and where the hell are my kees. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the program, mr. Billy crystal cheers and applause thank you. Jon and its crowd goes wild, they go wild how are you, jon. Jon im so with. How are you my friend. Im great. Jon nice to see you. Your book is so good. Oh, thank you. Jon you know what is crazy soix read these memoirs. I my image of you is always as the iconic billy crystal. Ive always known you as that guy in the movies and you mean safartic. Jon but then you, to read the stories from the early days in your career, you struggling and some disa pontments, it reminded me that no matter where you get to, we all sort of come from the same place. Absolutely. I think that was the joy in writing the bock, was well, the first big joy was remembering everything. And then getting out. And realizing like you said, were all alone together, i think lily tomlin said and that our paths are very similar. And that was, remembering all the stuff from when i was a little kid, of course. But the, when you start working clubs and opening for acts, and where you shouldnt be, and where you should be, it gets you realize you have a life. Jon i love the idea of when you first started working, blood, sweat and tears i think is the band you opened for. Its one of my first jobs, getting 1125, i am in january 125, januariton pennsylvania, i have no billing, they have no idea that anybody else is in the show. The audience has timed their drugs for their headline. laughter and so i come out. And i do, you know, really well. But its still new. They dont know who i am. I havent been on anything. And i did really good. Finished. Blood, sweat and tears, their big song, spinning wheel. They count him down. David Clayton Thomas walks out, hes magic. He hits the first three notes what goes up [bleep] this, a hate this, and leaves the stage. laughter and the only reason im still there is i wanted to see them for a few minutes before i had to drive the four, you know, hours home because i couldnt afford the hot el. The drummer, bobby looks at me and goes go back out. So i grab my mike, go back out. I say okay, okay. All right. All right. So you know, where you are from . laughter where are you from . So now you know, i can matter with them. Where you are from, where are you from turns out to be pretty good. I see from the wings. Okay lets go. Ladies and gentlemen, blood, sweat and tears, back in the wings, go what goes [bleep] what the [bleep] is the matter with this thing. He goes go back out. I go no, i know where everybodys from. laughter i love it. applause but those were the great, great days of when comedians werent as plentiful as they are now. Jon right. And no, its true. Jon it is true. Its very true. Now there are way too many. laughter jon but to this day you guys i think are sort of like the reigning heavyweight champions of those clubs. I mean they still talk about belzer and you and richard and all those guise, killing it. Heres a crazy story. Its a little rough but hey, i just did that one. Jon whatever. You remember lenny schultz. Jon sure, with the rubber duck. Lenny schrulingts schultz was a gym teacher in queens. He was a massively large guy an very hairy and insanely funny on stage rz really funny. Really funny and did crazy stuff so his wife at the time used to do his sound effects because he did a lot of music pantomime and stuff like this he comes up to me at the barratt catch a rising star. And he says youre smart. Would you watch what i do and give me some notes . Jon that sounds like lenny. So i go okay. He goes up on stage, hes got a violin case and he yells at the audience, he screams at them, when i look at you, and i point at you, you yell play, maestro, play. And they go okay, lenny. And then he opens the case and he pulls out a rubber sex toy. laughter wait, wait, with two heads, okay. The best i can do. So hes got this double headed dong and he he put puts and then he puts a huge set of bad, you know, those bad teeth, like this in his mouth and now he puts the thing under and he points the the audience and they yell play maestro, play maestro. He points to his wife who hits the music and turkey and the straw comes out. But at high speed, at 78. So now hes got this bow and the teeth and he is banging it in peoples drinks. Hes tuning it, twisting it, he ties it in a knot and then he finishes and he gets a standing ovation. He comes to me and he goes what did you think . And i said, i dont think you need the teeth. applause jon well be right back with a little bit more. Jon thats our show, join us next week at 11, here it is our moment of zen. A game of high stakes international chess. Somehow heres king and queen, president obama and john kerry, and the bishop who shouldnt be able to do dh, checkmated the king and captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [crowd ohs] you okay, man . Yeah. [cheers and applause] im guessing thats the secondworst accident that guys had. [laughter] welcome to tosh. 0. This episode is dedicated to the late bill cosby. I know youre not dead now, bill, but they rerun these things for years. [laughter] tonight on the show, the peter pan girls get a web redemption, i show you that not everything you do in vegas stays in vegas, and you have to guess what i did to nathan. [laughter] all right, lets head back to that stairway to hell. And remember, he wants to be treated like everyone else, so its okay to laugh. Its actually disrespectful if you dont laugh. I hate waiting for elevators too. [crowd ohs] good thing those metal stairs are so forgiving. [laughter] luckily he didnt fall going up. That would have lasted forever. [laughter] i can only assume some of his body didnt feel a thing. [crowd ohs] what if it fixed him . [laughter] right . Okay. By the way, that doesnt look that hard. [laughter] in your face [laughter and applause] lets see whos smarter than the average bear. [laughter] pretty impressive, bear, but youre still trapped in a zoo. [laughter] someones got too much time on their paws. Its like Wesley Snipes practicing martial arts behind bars. [laughter] i hear during the halftime show at ohio state, after he dots the i, he eats the o. [laughter] life is full of hurdles and in this next video, there are actually hurdles. [indistinct chatter] [cheering] [crowd ohs] [laughter] he won the first half of the race. At least he stayed in his lane. He can always start training for a bobsled team. Those are the positive jokes. Now heres the funny one. If youre wondering where the black people are, theyre in the finals. [laughter] want to see what 100 baby fat looks like . [crowd ohs and laughs] yeah, its really hard to find a babysitter who has her own forklift. Lets put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can make. Theres no way 27 cents a day is feeding him. Hes the reason everyone over there is starving in the first place. It takes a village just to change his diaper. Its the notorious baby. His mothers breasts produce milkshakes. Does gerber have prime rib in a jar . Looks like someone toasted the stay puft marshmallow man. He had his first heart attack in the womb. We call this kid the [bleep] destroyer. [electronic tone] [laughter and applause] thats a 20 seconds on the clock record nine jokes whoo [cheers and applause] uh. This next video shows only dad should be allowed to throw kids in pools. Cannon boy. [crowd ohs] its all fun and games until someone pisses blood in the pool. [laughter] [crowd ohs] thats how you unbaptize someone. Play it backwards, it looks like hes jumping into a sea of dudes. [laughter] heaven. [laughter] five out of five dentists love working on this next guy. I said you could have a sip. [laughter] you shouldnt eat soda. Its bad for your teeth. [crowd ohs] feed me, seymour. [laughter] believe it or not, ladies, hes actually a very gentle kisser. [laughter] like, the perfect amount of moisture. [laughter] and you never knock teeth. You could stick your whole head in there. [laughter] i dont care how awesome your mouth is. Theres no excuse for that shirt. Whats next . Youre way too drunk to use a shotgun. Looks like afghanistans going well. [laughter] guns dont kill people. Actually, they do. Theyre the leading cause of gunrelated deaths. Now lets exercise our Second Amendment rights in this weeks breakdown. [applause] camping is not fun. Its just something poor people do for vacations. [laughter] i, for one, cant stop staring at the mini rifle in jimbos speedo. Hes got a beer in one hand. A shotgun in the other. I kind of hope he puts the wrong one in his mouth. [laughter] all right, now that his blood alcohol level is nice and dangerous, time to head into the woods and shoot some critters. [bleep] mother nature. [laughter] just toss that anywhere. Thats how the good ol boys recycle. Youre way too drunk to use a shotgun. Thanks, mom. [laughter] what are you, some kind of socialist pussy . The bible doesnt say anything about being too drunk to use a shotgun and we dont question the good book down south. Roll tide [laughter] why are you using a knife . Same reason youre Still Standing there taping this. Were all idiots. Maybe he thinks theyre all sharing a dream and the one way to wake his friends up is to kill them