Oh, yes, indeed. We start tonight with the news media. Now, personally i get all my news from jon stewart and the daily show. Which is why i have absolutely no idea whats been happening this summer. But apparently some people get their Current Affairs from newspapers. Or as i like to call them paper television. Im talking about things like the new york times, the wall street journal, or whatever the [bleep] that free thing is that people shove in your face whenever you get into the subway. The point is a free press is of course the backbone of a democracy. But increasingly that free press has had quite a high price tag. The Washington Post, the citys legendary yet struggling newspaper sold to one of the countrys wealthiest men, amazon. Com chairman jeff bezos. The Washington Post is is now owned by the head of amazon and its 14 print subscribers are already noticing one difference because the paper now comes in ludicrously wasteful packaging. But i will say theyve made it much easier to return the news if you dont like it. Still, this acquisition raises some big questions. First, how do you pronounce that guys name . pronouncing it differently n i dont know. Secondly, are you sure that this is a good investment . For 0 years the Washington Post has been owned by the grand family earning a reputation for top investigative journalism. But like most papers, it struggled over the past ten years. Its circulation is half what it was in 93. It lost more than 50 million last year. John oh, my god. I think i get it. This is just bezos car wash. Its a front for a massive meth operation. Say his name its he euvment senbezos. So if this is not a money maker, why is he doing this . Bezos can spend an enormous amount of money on the Washington Post without really taking too much of a dent in his own private fortune so he has the leeway to make major experiments. John now it makes sense. Hes so rich it just doesnt matter. Its not so much a question of why so much as it is why the [bleep] not . Lets all just be happy that all hes experimenting on is print journalism and hes not spending 250 million to cross breed a rotweiller with a peach. Delicious and vicious. Say hello to georgias state animal. Part of me wonders, if hes just doing this so that he can rush into the printing room at 3 00 in the morning and scream, stop the press and then chuckle to himself and say, it was totally worth it and then shut down the newspaper. I could understand that. Or maybe he got the idea from some of his billionaire friends. The owner of the Boston Red Sox is buying the globe. Eric curbner has bought the register and billionaire warren buffet has bought dozens of papers. John basically there are more people currently buying newspapers than people buying newspapers. For more on this we turn to our deranged millionaire john hodgeman. John . [ cheers and applause ] john, i have a question. Why would, john, why would jeff bezos want a National Newspaper . Is he bored . Is he trying to build a legacy . A legacy . What greater legacy could there be than convincing americans to subscribe to toilet paper . No, ill tell you. Jeff bezos bought the Washington Post. Its because hes a poopyhead. With poop in his head. John that sounds personal and extremely juvenile. I know, john, but jeff bezos has been oneupping me my entire career. I was just about to announce the acquisition of my own d. C. Newspaper. John which one . Its a major newspaper. Why . John the Washington Times . Its the washington coupon clipper penny saver. But soon to relaunch as the Washington Postier coupon super penny saver. I cant lose those coupon clippers. Theyre the only ones who buy print nuchs anymore snon how much did you pay for that . 900 million. John what . It was going to be more but i had a coupon. John is is this a good idea, john . Newspapers have notoriously become moneylosing businesses. Im going to disrupt the paradigm. Thats billionaire speak for [bleep] [bleep]. You see, newspapers thought that people want to pay money for information. But we now know from the internet that what they really want is is their own opinions fed back to to them for free. My newspapers will be printed in three editions to cater to the liberal, conservative and cad video enthusiasts. John that is a powerful group. 40 of our economy, john. Now, look at jeff bezos rag from this morning. Obama pushes internet proposal. snoring factual, boring. But my readers with the same story will have their choice of three personalized headlines. First, obama empowers proceed lee tear yat with wifi. Or black hitler wastes tax payer money. Again. Or obama can have internet . John i have to jump in here, i dont know. Look, i am no expert in business. As your shabby screams to my terrified eyes. John but wont printings three editions of paper triple your costs. Yes, john, but ill make up for it by doubletripling my advertising. John how is that possible, hodgman . Newspaper advertising has fallen 50 in the last decade. My newspaper is going to take a cue from Cutting Edge Technology such as radio and Reality Television by using product placement. Now lets see how scoop bezos reports the international news. Russian president putin today affirmed his support for the syrian government. Nice word bezos. You just missed a huge revenue stream. Russian president putin today affirmed his support for syrias government while enjoying a ice cold moxie soda. Which it turns out is not disgusting. That taste. John no serious news outlet would ever engage in that kind of shameless beverage. Have you never seen the opening sequence of morning joe brewed by starbucks. John i do think my point about serious news outlets stands. This is all window dressing, hodgeman. Are you going to offer the readers anything substantively new in terms of actual content . Of course. Exclusive premium content. For those selective readers willing to pay an extra fee i will also send an actual human being the a place where news is happening. And that person will look around and ask questions and write down whats going on. John thats just called basic reporting. Oh, really . I call it hodges on prime. I said it, bezos. Come at me, poopy head. Why dont you sue me if youve got the. John okay. Weve hit the nail on the head here. This is what concerns me. The press is a vital part of any democracy. It seems troubling that newspapers should become the idle play things of a few wealthy individuals. The great romantic myth of the importance of the american press. That whiskeyflavored bomb on the liver of the inevitably divorced newspaperman. The truth is, john, the news game has always been the hobby of a few rich men. Ted turner, rupert murdoch. All the way back to William Randolph hurst. William Randolph Hurst started the spanishamerican war just to sell papers. Do you really want to go back to that era . Yes. Im a deranged millionaire. Of course i do. Let me show you the first copy of tomorrows newspaper. Hot off the presses. John you are not seriously going to run with that headline, are you . Not the cat lovers edition, of course. John thank you, john. John hodgeman, everyone. We will be right bac xdp8 xn,xhf john welcome back. Welcome back. [ cheers and applause ] there is exciting news coming in from the future. Imagine traveling from l. A. To San Francisco, 400 miles, in just half an hour. John okay, okay, done. Im going to imagine it right now. Okay. Im in los angeles. Ive got an avocado wrap and a jamba juice. Im talking to a producer who is both a big fan of me and also does not know my name. Now its half an hour later. Im in San Francisco and im wishing i had brought a jacket because its august and its always [bleep] cold there. I know why you left your heart in San Francisco, tony bennett. Its freezing and it will keep it alive. But, look. This sounds like exciting technology. So what is this thing . A revolutionary Transportation System called the hyper loop. A pneumatic tube that would carry passengers as fast as 800 miles an hour in aluminum capsules. John an 800mileanhour hyper loop. You know those old office tubes they used to fire documents around in, in the 1950s . Well, now imagine a mouse crawled into one of those tubes. Now imagine that it wasnt a mouse. It was you. And now just sit back and relax in that aluminum capsule and enjoy a half an hour of this. Oh, my god john look, the more important point is ask yourselves this. Is that experience really significantly worse than a flight on delta . Whoa, delta john so, who is behind all this . Elon musk the technical genius who invented the spacex program, the guy behind pay pal. John oh, yes, pay pal. Its that sterling example is any indication im sure that passengers can look forward to having their transit capsules frozen without warning and then waiting several weeks for Customer Service to even acknowledge it. Pay pal [ cheers and applause ] john that is literally too kind. This hyper loop thing is a huge idea. But is it even going to work . It may sound crazy but consider elon musks track record. The 42yearold billionaire who founded pay pal inventedded the breakthrough tesla battery car and was the first to dock a commercial rocket with a space station. This is elon musk the inspiration for the iron mans tony star character. John wrong again there is no possible way that elon musk could have inspired that character because he was born in 1971 and tony stark first appeared in 1963. [ cheers and applause ] this is basic factchecking. These kinds of mistakes have to stop. This is a catastrophic error. Youve pushed me too far. Okay. I wasnt expecting quite so many people to empathize. Can someone please explain to me how this technology works. Now look this thing will travel at about 500 miles an hour. Okay. This thing will travel at about. Thats a bullet train, 150 miles an hour. Very fast. This thing will travel at 12,000 miles an hour. Airplanes and trains and shuttles. Lets talk about this. John this is how it works. This is how it works. I am a robot. I am a robot. Im here to take you to San Francisco. Everyone is dead. Everyone is dead. Shock nato. Now its a dance party. Okay. Clearly no one in the media is able to understand this story. So lets go to the horses mouth. Lets hear it straight from the musk. What is this thing . This is a concorde, a rail gun and an air hockey table. John okay. Its a cross between a concorde, a rail gun and an air hockey table. That is not an explanation. Thats naming three things that sound fast. Its a cross between a speedboat, a cheetah and get you to dohar in 15 minutes. According to my cal cue layings an actual cross between a concorde, an air gun and an air hockey table would look like this. That would actually be an amazing way to get to San Francisco. The truth is, stories like this are actually some of my favorites. Theyre inspiring because they remind us that the future is going to hold you and exciting innovations and the great minds in our society will always be there to push us forward. And achieve the unimaginable. Musk says he doesnt have time to actually build hyper loop. Hes hoping others will make his dream become reality. John what the [bleep] . Thats like saying, hey, you know what we should do . Find a vaccine for cancer. Someone get on that. Just the idea is mine. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause were back. Our guest tonight is a legendary talk show host, hosting the show from the brand new fox sports 1 network. Please welcome back to the show the magnificent Regis Philbin. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. John mr. Fill bin, sir, many, many thanks for being here. Thank you very much. John youre with fox sports 1 now. Yes, how about that . John is fox going to do to sports what they did to news . Theyre going to blame everything on the white house . The eagles lost today because of of obama care. Thats funny stuff. Im amazed. John thats nice of you to say that to me. I wish i could have. You know, everybody is going into it. I think all the networks will have a sports channel before long. And so fox sports starts this coming monday. John sports is the perfect emotional. The only thing that gets ratings on the show. On the tv. John because we love it. Sports takes all your cares away. News is awful. So you think lets watch the sports. That is about a glorious kind of nothing. Do you have such a sport thing in london, in england . John i think we invented sports. Dont listen to what the greeks said. That was naked wrestling. That was different. We have football one audience member yells out . You have soccer. You have cricket. John we do have cricket. Are you proud of that . What is cricket all about . John cricket is what about what you are able to enjoy as a human being. As a participant and a spectator. Have you ever seen any cricket . We just coverd cricket on the show. John you did . We have a british guy who runs the whole thing michael davey. John i know michael davey. I have a pretty blonde from london right next to me. John yeah. You know her too. John i love the way you say that because that is like how tv shows used to be pitched. I get a pretty blonde from london. Put her next to regis. Youve got a show. I dont think even Michael Davis and the pretty blonde is going to be able to sell cricket to america. You never heard of gorgey thompson. John i do. She knows you and ive been asking her about you. John whoa after the show well talk. John shes fantastic. She was on the news for years. Ten years. John good luck selling cricket. Do you play cricket. John you know what . Everything in britain is class based. So cricket is for posh people. Really . John thats not for the likes of me. I know i sound like it. What sport did you play as a kid growing up. John soccer. Religiously. Its a big deal. Its getting bigger and bigger in america. John i want to be a Soccer Player more than anything else. This was very much planb. How in the world did this happen . You wanted to play soccer and here you are. John it was a complete lack of physical ability. And thats all. You couldnt kick the ball. John are you a frustrated athlete as well . I used to play in bronx park. John play what . Baseball. John classic. A little football. Yeah, sure. John youre a yankee fan. Yes, i am. a few people in the crowd cheering . Youve been here seven years. Are you a baseball fan. John i am. I immediately picked the mets. [ cheers and applause ] ill tell you what. Because you are entitled to be a yankee fan. You are born in the bronx. You cant choose to be a yankee fan. Thats not how sport works. Why did you choose to be a mets fan. John i associate sport with misery. I understand the mets. Hes funny. Isnt he funny . John thats official. I like him. John this whole summer has been leading to your approval, regis. Thats all i wanted. How long are you going to stay . If stewart stays away much longer hes out of a job. John i think thats not the case. Contractually and physically, i have one more day. Are you fidding me. John as a tv legend, do you have any tips for my final show tomorrow. I wish i was on it. John would you have dressed up like bette and sang . A crowd goes wild. It premieres on monday august 19 at 5 00 p. M. And it will also air weekdays. The wonderful Regis Philbin john thats our show. Summer is over. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. The brain child of tessla motors and spacex ceo elon musk says. I think its pronounced