Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20170414

Aww. Wait, im not grounded. Oh, yes, you are oh, yeah . That only works in imaginationland. Youre grounded aw, shit. Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com male announcer from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, the daily show with trevor noah presents. [upbeat music] welcome to the daily show. Im trevor noah, and tonight is our fifth and final special featuring every member of the best [bleep] news team around. Tonights anchorman is none other than hasan minhaj. Whats up, man . Whats up, hasan . Dude, before we get into the special, ive always wanted to know, what is your favorite memory of working at the daily show . Oh, man, uh. Today. Whatno, i mean, like, oflike, of all time. No, right now. This is great. No, i know youre really enthusiastic about this no, this is awesome. Like, my own desk. This is kinda cool. I could get used to this. Well, its still my desk. No, no, no, i like like, this is all me, and its my show. Well, its not your show. Were just doing a special about you. Well be right back. No, you cant say that, cause its the show here it is, your moment of them. No, no. The best of hasan minhaj. Here it is, your moment of them the best of best of hasan minhaj. Canada. From their awful beer, to their god awful canadian tuxedos, theyve got a lot to apologize for, but now theyve got a new reason to say sorey, and its coming to destroy america. Im talking about. [distorted voice] Syrian Refugees. Thousands of Syrian Refugees entering canada will sneak across the u. S. Border. Some of them will be isis supporters. Canadas super progressive Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has already allowed more than 25,000 of these potential terrorists into canada. Luckily, i had allies across the border. These canucks were actually doing something about trudeaus refugee invasion, and they were more pissed off than any canadians i had ever seen. People are really upset. Oh, yes. Good. Were demanding that the immigration minister bring in more refugees and do it really quickly. What . You guys want more refugees . Absolutely. We have thousands of people across the country waiting to welcome people into their homes. Are you [bleep] nuts . It turns out, they were part of the problem, something called the private sponsorship program. Only in canada can groups of five or more people just raise money and bring over Syrian Refugees themselves. Its like kickstarter for terrorists. Almost 10,000 have been brought in by groups like ours. This is just like game of thrones, okay . Youre gonna let these brown ice walkers go nuts up in the north, then theyre gonna cross the border and kill all americans. This isnt about you. Were doing this for ourselves, and were doing it for the refugees were bringing. It is aboot me if im gonna die. Its not even that big a risk. Look at the facts, and we dont say aboot. Okay, im sorey. That we say. Okay, lets look at the facts. Since 9 11, zero terrorist planning attacks have been caught crossing the u. S. canada border. But if you go back almost 20 years, two people have tried, and one of them was a refugee. Sure, he was caught and is serving two consecutive life sentences, but it proves you cant say there is a 0 chance because its way more. Theres a 0. 00019 chance. Our border is like a starbucks bathroom. Anybody can just walk in there and blow [bleep] up. This guy knows what im talking about. Theyre screened by the u. N. Theyre safe. They come here, they canadianize. No, you guys dont you have more americans dying from gun incidents and Mass Shootings than from terrorism every year . But those people arent terrorists. They have mental problems. Theres a difference. The difference being the color of the skin . Yes, white people have mental illnesses. Brown people are biologically designed to kill you guys. Ohh. Have you met a recentarrived refugee . Why would i go meet someone whos gonna kill me . So were gonna decide not to help 49,999 people because one person went bad . Yep. Thats the american way. Thats not how we look at it. We wouldnt blame all syrians for that one syrian. We dont blame all americans for donald trump. You should. These hosers just didnt get it. I decided to seek out the man who started this mess, the one canadian who could shut this whole thing down. Why are you trying to destroy north america . Youre letting anyone walk in and just [bleep] [bleep] up. North america was built with people fleeing persecution, conflicts, wars, trying to build a better life for themselves and their families. Its too open, its too free. Mr. J. T. , i went to customs, and they were like, what are you here to do . And im like, i am here to roast Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. And do you know what the guy said . Have a nice day. Yeah. What if i came here to literally roast you . You might find that a little more difficult than you, uh than you think. Are you gonna kick my ass right now . Are you gonna literally roast me . No. Then were fine. Things were getting heated in ottawa. Luckily, i had america to back me up. Right now 51 of americans oppose letting any Syrian Refugees into the u. S. Just like we had the guts to say no to jewish refugee children, hungarians fleeing mass murder, and the vietnamese. You know, i think, maybe wewe have better faith in the people we invite over. Faith . Youre talking about the greatest canadian terrorist threat since september 11, 2001, the day nickelback unleashed their breakthrough album, silver side up on america. Thats a real fact. Look it up. Nah, you know what . Nickelbacks all right. But you know what isnt all right . Terrorists on mooseback crossing our northern border. Mr. Trudeau, you cannot trust these people. Youre gonna breed an isis thats impervious to cold. An ice isis. Mr. Prime minister, we are sitting here in the wake of so many terror attacks. How can you be sure, letting in all of these refugees, that even if. 01 become radicalized, you could be living with 25 different paris attacks, 25 different belgium attacks. How can you go to sleep at night knowing that that risk is imminent . We live in a world where there are always risks, and the question is, how much do you want to live in fear of those risks . The best counter to the kind of radicalization and marginalization that weve seen in other parts of the world is to create an Inclusive Society where, you know, everyone including and especially muslim canadians have every opportunity to succeed, just like anybody else. Okay, fair point. Im willing to admit that some refugees arent terrorists. But still, theyre just so. Foreign. One of the great things about canadian culture is weve figured out that its done by addition. So, you know, you take flavors and perspectives and, you know, experience of the world, and you, you know, create Something Better than the sum of its parts with it. Wait a minute. Flavors. Ingredients. Hes talking about a melting pot. Thats our thing are we really gonna let canada steal our brand . America has always been the land of opportunity. And yes, weve also kind of always been afraid of refugees too, but were at our best when were staring terrorists straight in the face and saying, kiss our red, white, black, brown, beige and blue asses. Or as one american philosopher put it, if we were to strive to reach absolute safety, we would not have freedom. Thanks, sarah palin. And thanks, canada. And thanks, canada. For us, its Rocky Mountain water. N. Or nothing. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. Ima wade, ima wave through the waters tell the tide, dont move Freedom Freedom i cant move freedom, cut me loose Freedom Freedom where are you . Cause i need freedom too Freedom Freedom Freedom Freedom what you want from me . Is it truth you seek . Oh father can you hear meee. Ooow . A fresh remix of natural flavors. Cherry blossom, gold apple, and orange blossom. No artificial flavors, or colors. Award winning strongbow hard ciders. What the world needs now is love, sweet love its the only thing that theres just too little of what the world needs now but weve got the get tdigital tools to help. Now with xfinitys my account, you can figure things out easily, so you wont even have to call us. Change your wifi password to something you can actually remember, instantly. Add that premium channel, and watch the show everyones talking about, tonight. And the bill you need to pay . Do it in seconds. Because we should fit into your life, not the other way around. Go to xfinity. Com myaccount [upbeat music] superstar athletes have the life. Were talking cars, jets. Even their pet albino tigers get cars. But not all pro athletes are happy with the big bucks. In fact, the womens soccer team is taking legal action because they want more. Players on the u. S. Womens National Soccer team say theyre being discriminated against because they make less than members of the mens team. Filed a federal complaint against the u. S. Soccer federation. I sat down with three members of the u. S. Womens soccer team to find out why theyre being so greedy. Were not being greedy. Were just fighting for whats right. Our contributions to the federation should be seen as equal to what the men have done. Fine. Whatever. But you need to understand that the men made it to the round of 16 in the world cup. Well, weve won three world cups. Well, they are ranked 30th in the world. Were ranked number one. Um. They play with so much. Passion. We have four olympic gold medals. Humble brags, okay. But how much less could their pay possibly be . If we win a match, we get 1,300. The men, they get around 17,000. Whoa if the mens team loses, they make 5,000. Five gs if you lose could you imagine having that much money . Cant really imagine it because we dont get paid anything if we lose. Maybe thats why you guys dont lose. Silver lining. Are you [bleep] kidding me . Why dont you guys just pick up second jobs . Uber driving. After your guys games, surge pricing will definitely be high. Boom, youre driving fans home at 1. 5x, maybe 2x, 3x. We dont have time to go be an uber driver. We put in our time to win gold medals for this team. While the u. S. Soccer federation has their own interpretation of the pay differences, the bottom line is the women want them to level the playing field. Oh, and and they also want them to literally level the playing field. Theyre constantly forced to play on astroturf, even at the world cup, something that the mens team has never had to do. They dont play on turf . Not one game. Others would argue that the womens soccer team should be grateful just to play, like gavin mcinnes. Sure, he looks like an Art School Dropout with a shins cover band, but he has his own show and is a fox news contributor. Women do earn less in america because they choose to. Yep, not surprisingly he thinks the womens lawsuit is a waste of time. Mens soccer has been getting ten times the eyeballs. You know what, im gonna let the ladies handle this one. Well, we actually. Yeah. Broke the record for the most. Watched. Watched soccer game in the history of america, between men or women. Youre playing a mans game by mans rules. This is the way it is in our world. You gotta earn it. No. Weve brought in, what, 17 million this past year. The men lost 2 million in profit for the federation this last year. U. S. Mens soccer still gets a lot more enthusiasm. Now why is that . Is that because mens soccer is more interesting, more exciting. Gavin, youre down twonothing. You know what, let me try to help you. Name three u. S. Men soccer players. Current, we have bobby daniels. Bobby daniels, okay, lets check the list. [buzzer] nope, not a player. Zigler norris. Also not a player. And a guy known to everyone as junebug. [buzzer] come on, man if youre gonna make up fake names, do better than junebug. If lunatics like this are against the women, whos on their side . Billie jean king. 100 . I mean, shes done so much for womens sports. [upbeat rock music] whos that . Tennis player . I donti dont tennis star Billie Jean King has long been campaigning for womens rights. Damn turns out Billie Jean King is a badass tennis player, but also she paved the way for equal pay in tennis when she defeated bobby riggs in the 1973 battle of the sexes. Let me get this straight. All you did was defeat a man, and now you have equal pay in tennis. Problem solved. It wasnt easypeasy, man. When i played bobby riggs. Mmhmm. That was about social change. Our ratio of prize money was about eighttoone, and i think the womens soccer is fourtoone, and i know what youre gonna say. Progress. Improvement yep. Improvements not enough. Were supposed to be so happy if we get one crumb. Oh, thank you. Im so grateful. Youre welcome. We deserve the cake, the icing, the cherry on top too, just like the boys. So lets put some cleats on you, you play the men, and lets get them ladies paid. Youre missing the point. Okay, i will play the women. Do you honestly think you can keep up with the womens soccer players, seriously . We will do a battle of the sexes bjk style, because it worked for tennis. No. No. Wed crush you. Bobby riggs was a champion in his sport. We didnt even know who you were until today. Um, i played two years of ayso when i was in the fourth grade, and i have also won trophies for effort. This is definitely a different level than that. Okay, fine, so the battle of the sexes is a bad idea. What else can we do . People have to get to know us, so we need to really get behind women, get behind them with money, exposure, give em more commercials. A commercial, yes i can see it now. [upbeat music] you can defy the odds. The odds. I became one of the best players in the world at the age of 17. You can be great. Great. I scored a gamewinning pk in a world cup. You can make history. History. We won three world cups and four olympic gold medals. You can aspire to be less than. Less than. Wait. What did you say . You can be just as good as any other person, as long as that person doesnt have a penis. A penis. Are you kidding me . And for all that hard work, you can make four times less than a man. I dont think so. You can treat us equally. You can give us grass to play on. You can pay us what we deserve. Please, do it [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] what twisted ankle . Ask what muscle strain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. 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I think islam hates us. Total and complete shutdown of muslims. Theyre not coming to this country. Now as president hes banned immigration from these seven countries, and everybodys like, yo, is this the muslim ban . No, its not the muslim ban. Right, right. But is it . Youre hasan the record. Thing thing on . Trumps executive order blocks anybody and everybody from seven very muslim countries in the mideast and africa from entering the u. S. At all. Now this may not be the muslim ban, but its definitely a muslim ban. But hold up. Can he do that . Since trump signed the order, all of my melanin bros are calling me up like. Dude, this is america. Were, like, the best at religious liberty, okay . He cant get away with this [bleep]. Thats right, he cant get away with this [bleep]. Even my constitutional law bros are like. He might get away with this [bleep]. Oh, thats right. While a ban based explicitly on religion is probably illegal, one based on nation of origin isnt. Oh, [bleep]. Loophole. By implementing a ban based on people from certain countries, you know, the muslim ones. [traditional middle eastern music] okay, dont play that. People are gonna get scared. Good. Basically, trump can achieve the same goal. Its like this. Imagine if this adorable bulldog is a muslim. Assalamu alaikum. You cant hate this bulldog. Thatd be wrong. But put him in this somalia sweater, and its totally cool to be like, waterboard that puppy. [audience awws] aww. Our hatred of bulldogs was legalized in 1952 when the immigration and nationality act said, when the president finds that the entry of any aliens would be detrimental to the interests of the united states, he may impose any restrictions he may deem to be appropriate. If you experience an erection longer than four hours, please call your doctor. Uh, translation. Yo, yo, yo, aliens are detrimenting our interests. I gotta do restrictions, cause National Security. Historically, president s have justified a lot of stuff with National Security. Its basically like a star in super mario bros or bath salts in florida. It makes you invincible. Trail of tears . National security. Chinese exclusion act . National security. The guy who wrote peace train . Oh, National Security to the face. Okay, so trumps ban is. Barely legal. Didnt he also Say Something about a muslim database . Beyond database, i mean, we should have a lot of systems. Oh, dang but trumps executive order last friday doesnt mention it, probably because databases and registries are problematic, and wed never do one. [alarm sounds] get woke, get woke woke up. We did do one. In 2002, the u. S. Began the National Security entryexit registration system, or nseers. The program forced people entering from 24 muslimmajority countries to register and regularly check in with authorities. The nseers program accomplished the following. It placed 13,000 individuals in deportation proceedings, including one Lebanese Christian dude from texas. Yeehaw and out of 83,519 cases, nseers caught. Zero terrorists. Thats right, 0 for 83,519. The worst shooting percentage in history. The dude behind nseers was kris kobach of kansas. Im sure thats just a coincidence. Kobach sucked so hard at his job that he became a key immigration advisor to president trump. Kobachs literal number one idea for trump, nseers. But heres the orange lining. Bans and registries like these only affect foreign nationals. So if youre an american citizen like me, nothing to worry about. We were american citizens. Oh, [bleep]. Its japaneseamerican george takei. Because we looked like the enemy, we were treated like the enemy and imprisoned. Okay, so it happened once. And the law that allowed internment has never technically been overturned, butbutbut. That could never happen today, because now we have smartphones. Whoa. What i just said was so real. And its like i always say, injustice anywhere is a threat to justice other places also. Go to hasantherecord. Com to cop your minhaj mug. Keep your tea tight and your mind open. Tune in next week when i go hasan the record on jeff sessions. Just because someone says something racist, is it . Think about it, yall. Ill see you next week. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music] [cheers and applause] hasan, how are you fearing feeling right now . Trevor, like Many Americans i have spent the last 12 hours refreshing the canadian immigration website, which keeps crashing. So i am panicking, because melanin doesnt rub off. But look, donald trump won. We gotta take the l. He spoke to people who felt ignored by washington and wanted their jobs back, and i understand. I dont quite get how you get there by electing a guy who collects bankruptcies the way Michael Jordan collects rings, but okay, they deserve to be heard, and last night we heard them. But i cant forget Something Else i heard. On december 7, 2015, donald trump called for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. I remember that date, because its the birthday of the worst fucking day in my life seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying . Even if thats not why most people voted for him, open racism should just be a dealbreaker. You personally may not be a racist, sexist xenophobe, but that comes with the package. Right, like if a car comes with heated seats, you may not want them, but youll take them. Yeah, but then if the seats go, hey, dont sit on me, camel jockey. You should be like, hey i dont want the car makes sense. So if you take that deal, what youre telling me is, hey, man, i dont hate you. I just dont care about you. You know though, there is a chance, and i know its weird to say this, there is a chance that maybe hell end up being more moderate. Oh, diet xenophobia. Thats cool. Low calorie racism. Mmm. Like, what . This is a true story. My mom is out of the country right now. Shes visiting my grandma, and shes a u. S. Citizen, shes lived here 30 years. Shes on the phone with me last night and shes like, hasan, i dont know if i can come back until february. Am i gonna be able to get back into the country . And the fact that i cant tell her yes with 100 certainty is heartbreaking