Dolph is for the shore dolphin, america, follow me to my under water [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] chris sounds like number three. Ron funches has won. At this, tkofl. Thank you, so much. Chris congratulations. Thank you for being here. Dolph will get the action hero fists typing. Thank you, doug and comedy central, to you for watching us. You know if youre not happy with how the election turned out get involved. Go to work tomorrow, be a community. What ever happens we will be there. Dont have conversations on social media. Its not for conversations. Be nice to each other. See you tomorrow. We will make you laugh tomorrow. Have a good night. Thank you, so much. Good night, america. [cheers and applause] im goin down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im goin down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. For us, its Rocky Mountain water. N. Or nothing. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. This beer gets straight it looks you in the eyes. And firmly shakes your hand. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. Yeah. Tonights been great. You look, amazing. You take after your mom. Shes hot. Know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. You dont want to ride the 13l checkiforever, do you . Ore . Credit karma huh . Yeah, its free. Credit karma. Give youself some credit. [school bell rings] [piano playing] welcome, oh, welcome to our little play its our hope that you all learn something today i am a tooth so white and so strong i am a toothbrush my bristles are long all together we work to keep the bad guy away hes mean and he hurts and his names tooth decay [sinister chord] his name is tooth decay. Where is tooth decay . Tooth decay, thats your cue hes not here. What do you mean hes not here . Hes at home watching the Royal Wedding. The what . He said he had to watch it. Is this some kind of joke . We are two weeks into tech rehearsals who the heck would sit at home watching the Royal Wedding . It is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the Royal Wedding. People are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of Canada Exchange their vows. What a great day for canadians everywhere. [band playing drums] the winnipeg drummers playing the march of a thousand farts, as is traditional for the Canadian Royal family. [all fart] all the biggest canadian celebrities are on hand. There are sirs terrance and phillip with their wives, the lovely queef sisters. [queefs] i believeyes, i believe one of the sisters just queefed just now. There are canadian recording artists sir brian adams and sir corey hart. Everyone looking smashing today. And there he is, the prince of canada. What a wonderful day it is for him. What a wonderful day it is for all of us. Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. Theres the queen of canada, in attendance of course. [queefs] i believe she just queefed. The prince makes his way down the aisle led by the bishop of newfoundland. People in attendance now gently tossing captain crunch as the prince passes by, as, of course, is tradition. The prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. Oh, and here she comes yes, there she is the aboottobe princess of canada. Isnt she ravishing . So pure of heart, so strong in body. So hot in the face. She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My god, shes beautiful. Princess princess the canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding, as is tradition. The princess will, of course, scrape the pudding off the princes arms, thus symbolizing their union. What a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. And now of course the wait a minute, whats this . Ohuhoh something is going terribly wrong the abbey shaking violently as explosions abound. The topyes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. The prince and the princess look on in horror. This is not the tradition. This is not tradition at all. A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a Royal Canadian wedding. Bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling. The princess now in some kind of isometric cube. This is certainly breaking with tradition now. No no canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes. Widespread panic. [all screaming] the princess being hoisted away. The little mushroom people of nova scotia screaming with horror. The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. The duke and duchess of calgary hiding behind the pews. This is indeed a horrible day for all of canada, and thereforeand the pudding has just been knocked over oh, this does not go with tradition at all. The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up. And shes gone. The princess has been taken. This is indeed a horrible day for canada, and therefore, the rest of the world. [crying] [school bell rings] i am a tooth so white and so strong i am a toothbrush my bristles are long all together we work to keep the bad guy away hes mean and he hurts and his names tooth decay [sinister chord] his names tooth decay [crying] oh, no. Its tooth decay hes gonna get us [crying continues] no, no, tooth decay. Your character is supposed to be mean and nasty, mkay, not crying. [sobbing] no, no, see, tooth decay cant be sad until toothbrush and dental floss have gotten rid of him. You cant just start already sad. Theres nowhere to go, you see. Theres no arc, mkay . [sobbing continues] oh, for cryin out loud all right, all right, tooth decay. You just go home and sort yourself out the rest of us will rehearse the finale again. And you better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, tooth decay, mkay . [sobbing] the tornado was said to be the deadliest in 56 years. In other news, its been 24 hours now and the princess of canada is still missing. All of canada is in mourning as nationwide, suicides abound. The princess is gone aah [glass shattering] aaggghh [all screaming] the princess is gone blah aah aah [all sobbing] a massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the canadian band rush. And it seems to me you lived your life like a flower breaking wind [farts] never knowing who to turn towards [gunshot] [sobbing] the prince of canada has said that we have just received breaking news that the canadian government now knows who took the princess. The canadian Prime Minister is instructing all people of canadian decent to go home and open their box of faith. Box of faith . What the [bleep] is that . [objects clattering] [film projector whirring] hello there, my noble, strong, fellow canadian. If you are watching this filmstrip, then no doubt canada is in grave danger. As you know, the very heart of canada is the royal family. If you have been ordered to open your box of faith, then one or more of the royal family must be in peril. Or else you just opened your box of faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. If you have indeed been instructed to open the box, then this is a call to arms. All canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in edmonton. In your box of faith, you will find all the items you need a location beacon, a first aid kit, and a sandwich. You may eat the sandwich now. Good luck, canadian citizen, and god help. All of canada is relying on you. [dramatic music] where are you going . Ike, where are you going . I got to get to canada andand join the armies and save the princess. [bell rings] whereas salagadoola mechika boola equals x. And Bibbidy Bobbidy boo is y. Put em together and what have you got . Bibbidy bobbidy boo, x plus y equals y. X equals zero. The song is badly written. Second verse, x plus y equals Bibbidy Bobbidy cubed plus the boo. Kyle broflovski do you mind telling me where your brother is . I dont know. How am i supposed to do a play, mkay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without tooth decay . We have two more days of tech, and then previews start on monday. What am i supposed to do, kyle . You tell me well, couldnt you, you know, just get rid of the part of tooth decay . Getting rid of tooth decay is what im trying to [bleep] do haha. Hes your brother, kyle broflovski, mkay how are you going to fix this . Hes your brother, kyle broflovski, mkay yeah. Tonights been great. You look, amazing. You take after your mom. Shes hot. Know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. Grandma, im good. Music say goodbye to distractions. Now you can last longer with new ky duration spray. crunch crunch crunch crunch hey. Hey, there you going to canada too . What am i saying . Of course youre going to canada. Youre canadian, sure enough. Opened your box of faith, did you . Me too. They cant take our princess and get away with it. Mind if i sit down . Soon as i heard the call there was no question i was gonna sign up didnt care how far away i was, i was gonna get to the rally point at the tree in edmonton. Didnt know other canadians living here in the u. S. Im from toronto originally, but everywhere i went, people were terrified by my disfigurement. I have to wear this bag on my head because im hideously ugly. Had to move here to the united states. Here people dont think i look ugly. They just think i look canadian. The names ugly bob. I am a tooth so white and so strong i am a toothbrush my bristles are long all together we work to keep the bad guy away hes mean and he hurts and his names tooth decay [sinister chord] i am tooth decay your teeth shall be mine with candy and treats. Hold it hold it stop what the [bleep] was that . Im just doing the lines. The audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, kyle, mkay . If tooth decay has no believability, then toothbrush and dental floss have nothing to play against im trying, mr. Mackey, i really am. Oh, youre tryin . You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines like a turtle taking a [bleep], you call that trying . This play is supposed to change how people think, kyle get it [bleep] right [feedback on microphone] just pick it up from there. Brave canadians you have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe. The princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of the giant ooh, the giant the giant, thats not good. We are attempting to attract the giant now with a bowl of kraft dinner. When the giant arrives, we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our [approaching footfalls] fee fi fo fum i smell kraft dinner. Its the giant scott [all shouting] give us back the princess, scott you fartloving tricksters. Ill take care of all of you. Youre a dick, scott you have always been a dick. And then you got radiation poisoning in ottawa and now youre a giant dick. No, you all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick and then i got radiation poisoning in ottawa and now im a giant dick. Just hand over the princess of canada why would i take the princess of canada . Because youre a giant dick . Im also the biggest Canadian Patriot of all of you. You know that i would never harm the royal family aw, crap. Sorry, everyone, looks like we had some bad intel. Return to your homes. All right, lets go. I guess we did all we could. Come on. Well, at least we tried. I guess the princess is gone for good, eh . What is wrong with you people . It is perfectly obvious who took the princess. I might be a giant, but theres one threat to canada bigger than me. Who . The native canadians. The native canadians . There, you see that . Goddamn native canadians. Think they run the world. [speaking native language] [speaking native language] fart loving eskimos. Im sure theyve taken the princess. Just look at them. Loudmouth, selfcentered assholes. [speaking native language] [speaking native language] lets get em lets [bleep] em up what . Youre looking at me like im some kind of eskimo racist. Well, im not think aboot it before the noble white man arrived, canada was populated with these snow monkeys. Who else would be pissed of enough at canada to kidnap our royalty . Oh, shit okay, in 15 [bleep] minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so ill just say what i need to say. That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had. We are two days away from opening and youre all [bleep] around thats because tooth decay sucks. Yeah its all tooth decays fault. Oh, dont put this all on tooth decay let me tell you something, dental floss. Youre not as good as you [bleep] think you are youre already acting like youre a star, and we havent even opened yet open your [bleep] eyes, dental floss youre about to blow your shot all neckamic, peeyooshtuah [speaking native language] all ohh he says that the taking of the princess was foretold. [speaking native language] he says eskimos do hate us canadians, but that there is an even bigger threat to canada who has the princess. [speaking native language] he said the evil that took her wasnt canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. They can lead us to the beast, but we will have to destroy it. [school bell rings] i dont know what the goddamn problem is. Maybe you all dont know how serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just dont give a [bleep]. You all probably think you can live your lives cavity free, mkay, never giving two shits about the plaque thats building on your teeth. Kyle, you have singlehandedly destroyed all that which i worked on for the past six years. And so i want you to know, kyle, once and for all, why this whole dental hygiene thing is so important to me. Two years ago. [sniffles] i lost my father to tooth decay. Mkay . He was an intelligent, hardworking man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye youve been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it . Do you . But do you really know the importance behind it . Your accent is adorablthank you. Say tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Say it again. Tomato. Tomato is that right . Its the a is the. Know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. carbonation fizz snow unleash a refreshing citrus kick. Do the dew. To late nightt 20 decadent cravings like the bacon grilled breakfast burrito and shredded chicken mini quesadilla 1 all day at taco bell. Let the feast begin. [speaking native language] this is stupid im telling you, youre making a mistake, kid aw, leave the kid alone, scott. Well, what are we doing following this ice beaner . Weve been Walking Around for hours [speaking native language] [speaking native language] dont worry. If theres one thing eskimos are good at, its finding things. Eskimos are good for nothing. I paid one to give me a blow job once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for 45 seconds, then asked me to pay her. Goddamn polar gooks. Stop being a dick, scott. Oh, so now im a dick wait a minute. Look aah its the princess princess all your teeth are your friends they are friends in your mouth take care of your friends or theyll rot and fall out visit your dentist he is your friend too and dental floss also is here to help you oh, no, dental floss what will i do . Flat youre flat there please, save me you have to hurry. It wants to kill me who took you, princess . I should have listened. I didnt believe it was real. Oh, god its behind you [roaring] of course the evil atokatuk the dark lord that takes from all nationalities. Its tooth decay i am tooth decay your teeth shall be mine i should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets fartloving tooth decay ill fix you aah unh [roars] [speaking native language] unh aah save me save me [growls] its coming for me help help princess, look away [screeching] [crackling] what the you did it, kid [speaking native language] [speaking native language] oh, thank you thank you i want you all to take a serious [bleep] look at yourselves mkay . Act one was pure [bleep] dog shit if tooth decay is singing flat, then the whole [bleep] thing sounds flat mkay . Mr. Mackey mr. Mackey we are putting a stop to this play. Its over. What . Why . Dont worry. Act two will be better. These kids just arent listening to me. No, its over. They got him, mr. Mackey. Tooth decay. They got the son of a bitch. What . Up in the yukon. All bureaus are confirming it. You can let it go, mackey. Tooth decay is gone. [sobbing] oh oh, god. Go on home, kids, mkay. Its over. What . [pomp and circumstance playing] [horns honking] the princess now giving the canadian medal of courage to ugly bob. And also to scott, who is, of course, a giant dick. And katooktook of the yukon. And the medal, of course, made of white chocolate, as is tradition. What a glorious day for canada, and therefore, the world. The duke of calgary, standing up and putting on a fake beard a tradition passed down since the birth of canada. The princess now knighting sir ike broflovski. Giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition. I mean, come on, guys, thats pretty cool, right . My little brother is a knight in canada. My sister is a den leader in girl scouts. My uncles the second in line to be manager at gart brothers. Hmm, yeah. And now the scraping off of the pudding. Isnt she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. She rubs the pudding on her face. The prince now attempting to remove one of the princess arms. As is, of course, the tradition. The princess screaming with pain. Everyone watching with anticipation. And the arm is off things are back to normal here in canada. The time honored traditions are once again yes, the prince is sticking the princess arm up his ass. There it goes. [cheers and applause] hes really making a good go of it. What a wonderful day for canada, and therefore, of course, the world. Im goin down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation goin down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm about tempurpedic mattresses. Heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind is that they contour to your body. You just have to lay back in my tempurpedic, and it just kind of forms to my body. It comes up to you, like hey, there you are. Hey, there you are. Im going to put you to sleep now. It keeps us comfortable and asleep at night. Can i take a nap now. Its our biggest event of the year. And a great time to buy a tempurpedic, with our best prices on all tempurpedic mattresses. Save up to 600, now thru november 29th. Get your tempurpedic. The most highly recommended bed in america. Yeah. Tonights been great. You look, amazing. You take after your mom. Shes hot. Know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. This beer gets straight it looks you in the eyes. And firmly shakes your hand. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. Brewed only in thgolden, colorado. To its roots. And nowhere else. Ever. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Its a phone you can change again and again and again. Hello moto. Get excited world. Moto is here. The new moto z with motomods. Buy one moto z droid, get one free. Only on verizon. Oh, hey, kyle. Kyle, hang on a sec. Hey, jimmy. Whats up . Not much. I just wanted to make sure youve heard the fffantastic news. Theres a new terrance and phillip mobile game, and its so amazing and incredibly fun. Oh, really . Yeah. And the most unbelievable part its totally free you should download it to your phone right now. I mean, come on. If its free, why wouldnt you . Cool. Thanks, jimmy. Well, ill check it out. You betcha, pal. The Terrance Phillip mobile game. In this game, you are terrance and phillip. Can you collect all the canadian coins . [ coin jingles ] thats one coin. Can you collect more . [ coins jingling ] youve collected 10 canadian coins congratulations. Hey, youre really good at this, guy. What . Congratulations, kyle. With canada coins, you can buy stuff and help terrance and phillip rebuild canada. Run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk. How man canadian coins would you like to buy . This is stupid. Well, its just . 49 for the cheapest one. [ coins jingle ] you bought 200 canadian coins for . 49 youre amazing now use that canadough to help rebuild canada. Click to build a hospital here. [ beeps ] [ fart sparkle ] yay yay its still stupid, and now i paid . 49 for it. What are you two boners doing . Were playing the Terrance Phillip freemium game. I played that thing. Its [bleep] dumb. I ended paying like five bucks. Who makes this crap . [ french accent ] oh, its tewiffic thats 200,000 more american in just one day. Where is the roof on this thing . [ doors open ] whats the big idea making a mobile game without our approval . Oh, terrance and phillip. How are canadas two favorite buddies . What gives you the right to make a stupid Terrance Phillip mobile game . Who do you think you are . Oh, im only the prince of canada. And this happens to be the minister of mobile gaming. We thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game. Its the dumbest game ever. All you do is collect and spend canadough. Eh, we know the games not great. But who cares . Its free but its not free. If you charge . 40 here and . 50 there, then its not free. They see through the charade. Uhoh. You think so . I think they see through the charade, yes. Im pretty sure they can hear us, too. All right. [bleep] it. Youve seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. Charade up [ bell tolls ] [ gears whirring ] allow me to explain the Science Behind micropay freemium gaming. For years, the concept behind gaming was simple you pay for the game, and you enjoy. With mobile apps, we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid, but if you pay for incentives, youre rewarded. Freemium the mium is latin for not really. Minister of gaming its a simple cycle, a neverending loop based on rpgs. Explore, collect, spend, improve. But whereas those just use the concept of x. P. , or experience points, weve introduced the idea of micropaying with money. Money, money, money, money, money, money. Its what everyone is doing. Freemium games are whats now, and its all just a lot of harmless fun. Youre in big trouble, stanley. Can you explain to us how you managed to spend 489 on a mobile app . Im sorry. I didnt realize i spent that much. You didnt realize . What are canadian coins . You buy canadian coins so you have canadough. Stan, just because i make a good living with my music doesnt mean you can go blow it all on canadough. Ill pay you back for it, okay . How . I dont know. Ill figure it out. Jesus christ. Can you believe him . He knew how much he was spending. He knew hed get in trouble. But it didnt matter. I hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa. What do you mean . Dads always had a gambling problem. Hes got total addiction tendencies. Could he have somehow passed those demons down to stan . Well, and you certainly have some of those problems, too, with drinking. I had a problem, but i was able to stop. Now i only drink glutenfree beer and wine. But with stan, i think theres some darkness inside him that doesnt allow him to stop. [ dramatic chord plays ] and so, in conclusion, the successful freemium game is based on five principles entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing chachings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the players a way to spend real currency for your fake currency. So theyll forget theyre spending money. And make the game about waiting, but let the player pay not to wait. Its a surefire way to make lots of money. We understand micropaying, but cant the game hidden inside the charade just at least be fun . No, no it has to be just barely fun. If the game was too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun. Whats this . Your checks, of course, for 10 million american, each. So this is everyone is doing this . Everyone is doing it. Its just the way things are going. Its the way things are going well, i guess if everyones just paying . 40 at a time, it cant be that bad. [ splat sparkle ] hey, phillip [ babbles ] oh, hey, guys. [ fart sparkle ] you. Missed school today . Yeah, i just wasnt feeling the best. Did you play the Terrance Phillip freemium game all day . Well, yeah. I was sick in bed. What else was i gonna do . How much money did you micropay today, stan . Nothing. Dude, i bought like 10 worth of canadough. [ coins jingle ] but check it out. I unlocked a stadium in toronto. You spent 10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium . You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play . Yes. [ fart sparkle ] its just, like, something to kill some time. Like jimmy said, its a cool way to zone out. Wait, wait, wait. Jimmy told you about this game . Jimmy told me about this game. Kenny, who told you about this game . Mrph. Dude, what. The. Fmph . Psst. Hey, kid. Come over here. Yeah, come on over. Check this out. You looking to have some fun . What do you mean . The Terrance Phillip mobile game. All the cool kids are using it. Aw, i dont know. Come on. Just try it out. You can be terrance, or phillip, or both. You can walk around and collect canada cash to build new stuff. Its the perfect thing if youre bored. And honestly, the best part about it is its free. I mean, come on. Why wouldnt you download it and just try it out . Hey, uh, jimmy, can we talk . Well, sure, fellas. Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid. Dude, what are you doing . Just hanging out. What are you up to . You need to stop recommending that app to people. Mrph. Everyone we know says they heard about it from you. I just think its a fabulous app. Thats all. Its not a fabulous app. Its [bleep] stupid. Let me ask you something, jimmy. What happens on level two after you get the ontario nugget . All right, all right. I never played it. I stay away from the stuff. You just push it on other people . They pay me to who, jimmy . who pays you . youve both done an amazing job. New hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game. Uh, listen. Uh, weve been talking it over, and we really arent comfortable with this freemium thing. Oh, what is the matter . It seems dishonest, and we have a brand to protect. [ farts ] [ laughs ] but just look at all the things were getting to build. Soon, canada will be as advanced and developed as michigan. Were just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford. Oh, no well, we certainly wouldnt want that. [ gasps ] oh, i have an idea. How about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in moderation . Oh [ applauds ] do you really think that would help . Of course the alcohol industry does it all the time. [ rock music plays ] you. Friends. Fun. Drink. Hot girls. Youre hot. Drink more. Expensive cars. Ass. Drink. Ass. Money. You in a tuxedo. Threesomes. Vodka. Pussy. Drink, drink, drink you drink vegas fun pussy you in a tuxedo [bleep] this girl. Vodka drink, drink, drink drink it all, you [bleep] pussy more tuxedo more cars more pussy more vodka drink, drink, drink please drink responsibly. [ native american chanting ] come on. This way, stan. I want you to see this. There you go. Thats your grandpa. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. Sound familiar . All the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine. Come on, dad. Were going home. Ah, go away. Do you know what youve done to your grandson . Youve infected him with your bullshit what are you talking about . I just dont understand what is wrong with you two. What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you . Its just. Its fun. Yeah, its fun. Its not fun you two have demons youre trying to compensate for. Well, what about you . Youre having a glass of wine. Im not having a glass of wine. Im having six. Its called a tasting, and its classy. Dad, im not addicted. I can stop. I just like playing it, but i dont have to. Ill prove it. Yeah, and if he stops, ill stop. All right. And if you two stop, then we wont have a problem anymore. Hmm. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry aftertones. Hmm. Your accent is adorablthank you. Say tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Say it again. Tomato. Tomato is that right . Its the a is the. Know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. Sfx sailors talking into intercom talking around the world. Around the clock. In defense of all we hold dear back home. Learn more at navy. Com is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their fffree time . I was just the middleman. People were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. Im not the one who made it. But you accepted money from the canadian government to push a freemium game on us. Why would they do that . How do you get people addicted to crack . You give it away for free. You give away a little taste, and then and then some people cant stop themselves. And now stan is so consumed by the shit youve been pushing that he cant even see through it how could you sell out your friends . i needed the money, all right i downloaded yum yum sparkly gem forest because it was free. I loved the sparkling little gems, the sounds they made when i got new ones. Then i made my first inapp purchase. Before i knew it, i had spent my allowance, then my birthday money. I lost my crutches you have your crutches. Its a figure of speech with crippled people. Wed say we lost an arm and a leg, but they aint worth much. That makes sense. Youre saying these games do this on purpose . Why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you havent played in a while . Its called a trigger a quick image to trigger the addicts brain. They know exactly what theyre doing. [ sighs ] [ cellphone dings ] hey, buddy come on, guy [ cellphone dings ] come back, fwiend. Youve got new buddies, guy. [ cellphone dings ] weve just given you 5,000 canadian coins. Enjoy your canadough. Free . What is wrong with you, stan . You said you stopped buying canadough. I didnt think i spent that much. Ii clicked on a few micropays and it just kind of added up. 26,000 . Do you know how many songs i have to write to make back that much money . One. Oh, its just nothing to you, isnt it . No. No, its not. You need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay . I dont know how you can say that when youre standing here chugging beer. I am not chugging beer. Im sampling a flight of glutenfree german lagers with a french wine pairing. Its called a schmorgeswein, and its elegantly cultural. [ clink ] [ gulping ] [ glass thuds ] [ whistle blows ] [ doorbell rings ] okay, i need help. There is Something Different about me, you guys. I know the game is stupid, and it actually isnt even fun anymore. I dont understand. Fellas, could i have a minute with stan, please . Sure. Come on, guys. This is my fault, stan. I should have never told you the game was ffffafantastic. Its not your fault. Its something to do with my family. Its like a curse. I know this stuff is hard to understand. Trust me, i know. Im an addict, too. But i got help. How . What all the addiction programs say is true youve got to reach out to a higher power, stan. Youve got to get down on your knees and youve got to say, i have a problem. And youve got to ask that higher power for help. We have to find a way to get the word out. People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems. There has to be a way we can get to the news company and sneak in and somehow borrow their tv signal. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then maybe okay, its done. Whats done . The word is out. Terrance and phillip hire pushers to make money off addicts. I tweeted it. Its trending. You son of a bitch you paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game . You what . Now, hold on, terrance and phillip. Theres nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game. But theres something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses you didnt build a mobile game. You built an addiction machine minister of mobile gaming, whats this all aboot . All right, all right. Youve seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. [ bell tolls ] the truth is a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. Its all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. Thats how you get addicts to pay 200 bucks for a game thats not even worth . 40. But then all our profits come from people with problems. Dont think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke. [ snorts ] okay, but we still wont stand for this. I dont know if youre listening, but i guess i have something inside me that i cant control. Its something kind of dark. Please, help show me the way. [ dramatic music plays ] you have summoned the prince of temptation for what purpose . Oh, shit. Uh. I have addiction demons and i dont understand them. Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul. So, youve got dopamine, right . Thats the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable like eating, sex. And thats just nature, right, like, rabbits and fish and shit, they need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce. Okay. But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, its easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. You know, its not [bleep] rocket science, this stuff. So theres nothing spiritually wrong with me . [bleep] no. Its like okay, its like being diabetic. You know, its like you can eat wrong and eat wrong, and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way. You know, youve been eating gluten and shit. And then eventually youve got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked and now youre diabetic forever, right . So, like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually theres, um, a dopamine [bleep] up, right, and youre kind of screwed up for life. So, what does that mean . I can get addicted to everything so i cant enjoy anything . Yeah, thats pretty much what it means. The addict people said something about me filling a hole. Well, whos not filling a [bleep] hole, right . You know . I mean, what kind of bullshit is that . So, lets talk about genetics now. You still have time . Yeah, no, this is great. Okay, let me get some visual aids. Our food was pretty darn close, too. Were keepin that spirit alive with fajitas, a salad, and a mini molten cake for just 10. Chilis. Chilin since 75. And a mini molten cake for just 10. Yeah. Tonights been great. You look, amazing. You take after your mom. Shes hot. Know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. Youre 9 hours and 45 minutes into your quest. And the silver sword of garmuz is finally within reach. But now the one who needs an energyorb is you. Well good news. Because jack in the box now delivers through doordash. So you can get all your favorites delivered right to your door. Like my sriracha curly fry burger, with two tacos, halvsies and a drink. All in a munchie meal. Saving the universe is hard. Which is why i make ordering late night easy. Delivery through the doordash app. New from jack in the box. Here is a fact 80 of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slotmachine tactics, freemiums games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers. Oh, god, he just doesnt stop. Who is this guy . Were building a new canada with micropayments from addicts. Who cares . You think the [bleep] alcohol industry cares . They dont care that 10 are gonna get addicted. Theyre counting on it its the same with us. But weve got our eyes on every addicts screen. Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats. Why does he suddenly sound like al pacino in devils advocate . oh, im much worse than the devil. [ flap flap flap ] im the canadian devil ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh, dear god its the canadian devil beelzaboot you discovered my plan, but too late [ fart ] now the souls of all canadians belong to me oh, no oh, what have i done . hee hee hee ha ha ha [ fart ] so, basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and thats why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff. Okay, so, you kind of understand now, champ . I guess so. But why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there . You know, they all do it, and its kind of my deal. Ive got to put temptation out there, too, so people have free will and all that shit. But, you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what theyre doing is okay. [ cellphone chimes ] hey, buddy, whered you go . Dont you want more canadough . Whats this . Thats what ive been addicted to. Its a freemium game sending me push notifications. [ cheerful music plays ] [ cellphone chimes ] what, you just collect coins . [ coins clinking ] [ bell ringing ] how much money can you buy today . No, see, if somethings addictive because its fun, thats one thing. But this is just blatant skinner box manipulation. Wait a minute, who put this out . Uh, canada. Oh, that son of a bitch. Hes always doing this shit. I tell him temptation has to be nuanced, but he goes and does this crap again. Im gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. Is that all right . Okay. [ whissh ] aaaaaaaaaaah [ television blares ] oh, pass interference interference [ grim music plays ] stan . Where are you going . [ satans voice ] i shall return. Do not attempt to stop me. Told ya. Kids got demons. I dont do that. [ crowd wailing ] horror and sadness all over canada tonight. When the prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the canadian devil. [ glass shatters ] hey, guy im the canadian devil canadian devil now has complete control of the souls of every canadian. This is a sad day for canada and, therefore, the world. [ laughing evilly ] [ fart ] beelzaboot once again, you lack any sense of nuance. Who the [bleep] is that . Well, well. My overachieving doppelganger. Youre no match for canadian satan return from whence you came [ fwoosh ] aaaah [ fwoosh ] [ crowd screaming ] [ fwoosh ] [ fwoosh ] [ screaming ] certainly a shocking turn of events here as the actual devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the canadian devil. This is certainly a conundrum for canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. For that, lets ask the minister of sports in edmonton. Well, of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the canadian devil. But then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years. Screw that go, canada enough, beelzaboot. Thy end has come [ fwoosh ] [ people screaming ] [ whoosh ] [ fwoosh ] hey, dude. Hey. You all right . Yeah. Yeah, i think im gonna be okay. Cool. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. We have all learned a tragic lesson together that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the canadian devil. We will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [ cheers and applause ] im gonna move here and here, and then im gonna roll to kill this zombie. Okay, good idea. What are you gaywods doing . Were playing board games so that grandpa avoids the casino and i avoid freemium apps. Well, all right. Good for you guys. Tell you what, ill join you. Board games go good with a glass of wine. Thats not a glass. Thats a trophy. That you won. For drinking. Its not drinking. Its called a wine zinfandel sipping sprint, and its competitive. Get off your high [bleep] horse