Out jimnorton. Com for tour dates. Bridget will be on the road on her pound it tour. Check out tour dates at bridgeteverett. Net. Guys, were taking a break, so in the meantime, follow me nikkiglaser on instagram, glazeydays on snapchat, and listen to the not safe podcast. You guys get it. Heres your happy ending. Good night, pervs. [ cheers and applause ] kids, if you work hard in comedy, and you just persevere, you risk everything, you can wind up sleeping in the karaoke room of a strip club in vegas. Follow your dreams. [ cheers and applause ] trevor welcome bac welcome back to the coverage of the 2016 satirical games. Welcome roy wood, jr. What a game it has been. Weve seen world records, dreams made and hopes crushed. Who doesnt like watching the flicker go out in a young kids eyes. Jordan, whats that on your neck . Oh, this thing . laughter have you been doing the cupping therapy like the athletes . No, no. Last night my loneliness got the best of me and i had sex with a vacuum cleaner. laughter okay, letso go to trevor noah as he competes in the 30minute mens freestyle hosting sprint. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah cheers and applause trevor thank you so much welcome to the daily show im your host trevor noah. Tonights guests from the hit Comedy Central show another period, Nikolai Patrushe nick e and Natasha Leggero, everybody cheers and applause trevor i know for most people the news every day is about this used condom filled with orange gatorade. But while thats going on, another competition is happening thats much more important to the rest of the world. The olympics where athletess push themselves to the limits while the rest of us sit at home on the couch judging them. Oh, i wouldnt have land like that, yeah. Your foot should always be straight. laughter and theres good news for the u. S. America won the first gold medal of the games. Ginny thrasher a rising softmore won the first gold medal more shooting. Trevor an american teenager won the first gold medal for shooting. Usually the news that starts with teen shooter doesnt usually end that well. Although americans winning for shooting is a little on the nose, like canada winning the gold medal for politely holding the door open for you. A little too obvious. The magic comes at the most unexpected moments. Egypt and italy playing beach volleyball. I dont know if you can guess which country is which con. Its like theyre playing strip volleyball and italy is getting their ass kicked. It is good to see good images comes out of brazil and the olympics. The public has been expecting a bleep show in the olympics. They have not disappointed. Australias coach pulled his swimmers from the pool after the water turned soupy. Trevor im sorry, the water turned soupy . Soupy is never a good word for anything, even for soup laughter thats not something you ever want to hear. Hows the chicken noodle today . Its soupy ill have the salad. Oh, and heres another word you dont want to hear at the olympics crimey. Jiu jitsu star jason lee was robbed by armed men in in uniform. What did you guys get up to yesterday . I got mugged. This blais is pleep. Trevor you dont get to blame brazil because your selfdefense let you doin. And you know what . This is the problem i have with martial arts. It was pretty cool until guns. Now it doesnt work anymore, its outdated. Heeia heeia heeia heeia is all my money and master card sure, you can have my apple watch as well what did you think of the jiu jitsu job . Street fighter reference was a little dated. Ill look at it. Hes really feeding the bit. Wont stop. Trevor you know i can hear you. Hes talking to himself. Hes definitely rattled. More importantly, i think the foreign accent is a little distracting, does the routine need that . Rory, i couldnt agree more. The im a South African is a little much. If i were trevor youre nowhere near trevor. Dont you bleep vacuums. Vacuum, singular. I never stray, at least while shes under warranty. Looks like hes headed to the desk now. Lets watch. Trevor all right, moving on. Now, everyone who is currently at the olympics is hoping to leave brazil with this thing, but everyone is afraid theyre actually going to leave with this thing. laughter now, in the past few month the zika infection rate in brazil has gone down but seems like thats because zika decided to take its act on the road. For the first time, evidence of zika spread by mosquitoes here in the u. S. There are now 17 cases locally transmitted of zika in south florida, includes at least 14 in miamis wynwood neighborhood. Trevor wow, you realize that number would have been higher if everyone in miami didnt know salsa because that dance is basically just rhythmically checking for mosquitoes. Thats all that is. Thats all that is. And now applause and now that zika set up shop in florida, the disease turned from a thirdworld issueo a firstworld problem and not in a hashtag kind of way. This is real. Politics and politicians are getting involved and its reminding us its not just mosquitoes that suck. Marco rubio tells politico that he does not believe a pregnant woman infected with a zika virus should have the right to an abortion even if she believed the child would be born with microcephaly. Ah, little marco. Can i be honest with you guys . Audience yes. Trevor i dont understand how any man thinks that he has the right to dictate to a woman what they should do with their body. cheers and applause i dont understand it. Because men know nothing about what its like to be a woman. We dont. Were dumb bleep when it comes to that. So why do men always get to make laws about Womens Health issues . Its almost like imagine if black people were the only ones who could decide whether white people were allowed to use sunscreen. That wouldnt make sense. White people would be, like, what do black people know about getting sun burnt . Black people are, i know what you sayin, alls im saying is im pro melanin. applause i wish a giant mosquito would bleep rubio and leave him with a zika baby. Well see how much he is believing in those laws. He is glowing, though, nice. Turns out, little marco is just part of a bigger problem. Congress failed to pass a zika funding bill. The white house originally asked for 1. 9 billion for zika prevention and the house passed a 1. 1 billion measure in june but the bill died in the senate among partisan squabbling. Trevor are you serious . The c. D. C. And the white house told congress they need 1. 9 billion to fight zika and then the republicans replied, well, well give you half. This is a disease, not a yard sale. laughter i realize why congress is not so keen on fighting zika because congress is just like mosquitoes themselves bloodsucking parasites no one likes with little legs no, wait. Let me start again. They use buzz words and they okay, wait. Um. Ooh looks like he strained a metaphor there. Definitely had trouble sticking the landing. Noah attempting a satirical comparing between congress and mosquitoes. That whole routine had a high degree of difficulty. Well, not that high. You hate to see. This you know what you might like to see . I got photos of the hot little vacuum cleaner last night. Take a look. Youre discuesing. After the break, desi lydic and the highly anticipated donald trump fat checking event. Stay with us. I note the obvious differences in the human family. Some of us are serious, some thrive on comedy. Ive sailed upon the seven seas and stopped in every land, ive seen the wonders of the world not yet one common man. I know ten thousand women called jane and mary jane, ive not seen any two who really were the same. Mirror twins are different although their features jibe, and lovers think quite different thoughts while lying side by side. I note the obvious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. The daily show now, yesterday, donald trump gave a Major Economic policy speech in detroit. A city he understands fundamentally because it, too, has filed for bankruptcy. After a policy speech filled with promises and lofty claims, its only fitting we turn it over to our own desi lydic in another installment of whats the actual fact. Thanks, trevor. Trumps speech was like a rihanna song. He shouted work work work a bunch of times an that was pretty much all people heard. The details starting with trumps take on what he calls the obamaclinton employment numbers. There are now 94. 3 million americans outside of the labor force. It was 80. 5 million when president obama took office, an increase of 14 Million People. So, lets see, 14 million more people are now outside the workforce, but much of that has nothing to do with unemployment. Its because our older baby boomers are retiring, almost 10,000 retirees every day. So although the statement is true, trump is ignoring the realities of aging, so i give this statement a john travolta. laughter heres another criticism trump had to have the obamaclinton economy. Nearly 12 Million People have been added to the food stamp and these people are growing and its growing so rapidly since president obama took office. Okay, first of all, food stamp rolls did go up, mostly because of the recession which obama in inherited from bush. But trump says the numbers are still growing rapidly while, in reality, the number of people on food stamps has declined in the last three years. So this claim mostly is false. Trump competently says its growing but its all shrinking so this gets one whiskey dick. cheers and applause yeah. Lets move on to trumps economic plans. First, tax reform. Finally, no family will have to pay the death tax. American workers have paid taxes their whole lives, and they should not be taxed again at death. Its just plain wrong, and most people agree with that. applause we will repeal it. Yes, American Workers do pay taxes throughout their careers, and americans can be taxed when they die, but the only folks who actually pay a state tax or death tax, as pay estate tax or death tax are those with estates worth more than 5. 4 million, meaning that that tax has no impact on 99. 8 of americans. So what trump is talking about is technically true, but irrelevant to almost everyone. I give this one coworker talking mon stop about cross fit. applause i dont care how many kettle bell swings your tiny body can do, ronny. I gave birth this year. Thank you. Thank you. applause and finally we, need to look at the most controversial promise in trumps entire economic address. A lower business tax will also end jobkilling corporate inversions and cause trillions in new dollars in wealth to come pouring into our country and, by the way, into titties like right here in detroit. laughter im sorry. Can we just see that one more time . And, by the way, into titties like right here in detroit. laughter okay. Lets not jump to conclusions here. We all want to believe donald trump said titties, but its possible it was an audio glitch. Thankfully, we are a professional, factchecking operation with the most advanced audio analysis tools in the business. So we can determine definitively if donald trump, in fact, did say titties. Lets do a careful analysis. normal speed into titties like right here in detroit. Lets try slowing it down a bit slowly into titties like right here in detroit. laughter im not sure, maybe if slow, then hiphop rhythm into titties like right here in detroit yeah, theyre trying to tell if these titties are real but i can tell you titties like right here in detroit is a hot track. Desi lydic, everyone cheers and sorry. Sorry. Regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. Every night is opening night. When you run your own restaurant, coors light. Whatever your mountain, climb on. Herei love this part the 2016s stylish prius. Sporty camry. Fun corolla. Adventurous rav4. Theyre all here. But not for long hurry in for toyotas annual clearance event, where you can find 0 apr financing for 72 months on the 2016 camry. Offer ends september 6th. For more great deals, visit toyota. Com. Come in and get the 2016 toyota you want before they are going, going, gone toyota. Lets go places. Squuuuack, lets feed him lets feto the sharks sharks yay and take all of his gold and take all of his gold ya and hide it from the crew ya. . Squuuuack, theyre all morons anyway i never said that. They all smell bad too. No you all smell wonderful i smell bad if youre a parrot, you repeat things. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Squuuuack, its what you do. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. Now tonights guests there the creators and stars of another period on this very network. One, two five, six. Baked alaska baked alaska its christmas its just about my favorite thing you like it soft, i like it hard if you need, use custard baked alaska do it in the back and not in the front. Trevor please welcome Natasha Leggero and Riki Lindhome cheers and applause welcome, ladies. Welcome. Welcome. Wwelcome. Thank you for being here. Welcome. Can i just say, every single time ive seen any clip or episode of another period, you guys look like you are having the most fun in the world. Its amazing its a job. Its crazy. You have a great job, too. Trevor not as much fun. Ours is definitely bert than yours. Trevor i wish i could wear a dress and sing like that. Sometimes the crew people walk by and theyre, like, you guys just want to dress up like princesses. Trevor another period is a show i mean, it efeels like its sort of like the kardashians meets downton abbey. Yeah. Its placed in 1902 in america and were basically these rich socialites trying to get famous. Like the real housewives of newport. Trevor what always fascinates me when i watch is there is no famous back then. There is no tv or nothing. Thats why its hard to become famous. You have to get someone to paint your portrait with your ankles showing. There were basically two with famous women, Harriet Tubman and Eleanor Roosevelt oh, and helen keller. You had to do something really big. But our characters think they should just be famous because. Thats just instinct, people want to be known. Trevor but known for doing something most of the time. No, we want to be known for being famous for knotting. Dont you find that weird, though . Its weird but were pioneers. Trevor what are you famous for . Im famous for being famous. Its like the chicken and the egg. How did you become famous . For being famous. Its a great job, to be honest. Trevor it is. I watch it and the profanity is beautiful, especially in the manner you placed it. Its very classy, tasteful profanity. Many jokes about posterior ramming that is that was a song about trevor anal. You can say anal. I was going to say getting bleep in the ass. Trevor oh, yeah, you can say that as well. Yeah, you can say awful that. Were on you can say all of that. Were on the same network. That was scott joplin coming and we were pitching him our song. Hes like a kanyeesque character. Trevor the kanye of 1902 . Yeah, and hes got a girlfriend kind of in a burqa type thing except with cleavage and he has his cam. You have to watch the show. Trevor im fascinated by youre making this show and there is obviously kanye people that youve invented because there were no kanye types back then you dont know that. Trevor that could make music for themselves and get paid . laughter yeah, and then also but youve also done research. Weve done research. The show takes place in newport, rhode island, and the more research we do, the more fascinating how cyclical everything is. This show 100 years ago, there was no income tax. People were so rich, they were living like rappers. Trevor they were living like rappers tits american version of downton abbey. These people had so much money. I think at one time carnegie had more money than america. Trevor wow. They were billionaires in 1902 because they didnt pay income tax. Once they introduced the income tax in 1912 or 1915, then people were, like, oh, we cant have 65 servants and weve got to move out of these homes. Trevor yet, ironically, thats where weve gotten back to now is these people have found a way not to pay income tax and they have servants again. Whats the craziest thing you discovered when doing research for the show . One thing i didnt realize is female rights. Women were actually not allowed to read collegelevel books because they thought it would shrink their ovaries. Trevor who thought that . Men just said that so women would be afraid to read. Women were afraid to exercise because they said theyd get bicycle face. laughter women thought her face would freeze and stay that way. Trevor which way . Like, you know, on a bicycle trevor how fast are they going on these bicycles . laughter i dont know, they just didnt want them to travel. We read a thing about a woman who didnt feel like moving to chicago with her husband and he had her committed to an insane asylum. Until she agreed. And once she agreed to move, hes, like, okay, you can let her out. Women, do you think this is funny or sad trevor its comedy but at the same time its, like, this is the saddest thing. But then women got to vote and weve come a long way. Everything is equal and its completely better. Trevor i think you guys are rewriting history. You are amazing. Thanks for coming to the show. Thanks for being here. Super funny show, craziest thing youve ever seen on tv. Another period here on Comedy Central wednesdays 10 00 p. M. Natasha leggero and Riki Lindhome cheers and applause oh with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of i said, its getting hot in herre new watermelon from limearita. The bold margarita. Would suffice for jordans Bachelor Party. I dont need a sword, im a firemaid. Ding dong im going to give this place a killer review. I dont know, i just always thought maybe my Bachelor Party would be a little less grated. Wench ahhh ahhh hahaha. Oooh Party Time Party boy ok, ok. Mm hm, party time. Hmm, mmm, mmm. Heineken is served its world famous. Like me. Come here. Look it happens all the time. Antonio banderas its Antonio Banderas from the movies. Enjoyed in 192 countries. Theres more behind the star. There are a lot of phone deals out there. But its not a good deal if its on a bad network. Right now theres a really, really good deal at verizon. What kind of deal . Up to 4 free phones. Free . Thats right. And up to 4 lines. 16 gigs. All for only a hundred and fifty dollars. And no surprise overages. Sweet. I know. And its all on americas best network. 4 free Samsung Galaxy phones. 4 lines. 16 gb. All for a hundred and fifty dollars. Only on verizon. Did you hear that . Trevor that is our show for tonight thank you so much for tune in. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Now here it is. Your moment of zen. We bring you the kitten summer games hosted by the hallmark channel, 90 cat athletes complete in a tumbling and track and field events . No, not really a real track and field event. Look at them. Arent they just nice . cheers and applause ponsored by Comedy Central ponsored by cheers and applause