And as soon as all the candidates walked out on stage, one thing became immediately clear there are still way too many candidates. Ronald reagan was strong, but Ronald Reagan didnt send troops into the middle east. And Ronald Reagan walked away at reykjavik. He walked away; he quit talking when it was time to quit talking. Can i finish with my time . Can i finish with my time . Why does she keep interrupting everybody . Yeah. Boy. [laughter, boos] yeah, boo boo, donald trump dont you dare shush carly fiorina. She may have another great fake abortion story to tell. At age 14, another teenager angered me, and i had a large camping knife, and i tried to stab him in the abdomen. Im dangerous and i try to kill people and im a bad person i should be president so the Republican Partys new itgirl is freshman texas senator ted cruz. Hey, hey [gunfire] hey [hiphop music] mmm. Machinegun bacon. [laughs] [laughs mockingly] that bacon is definitely from a human. [laughter] you said in september 30th that isis was not a factor am i talking or are you talking, jeb . Im talking right now. You can go back. Im talking. You can go back. Donald, youre not gonna be able to insult your way to the presidency. Thats not gonna happen. And i do have the strength [cheers and applause] you could see jebs balls growing as he was speaking its a christmas miracle but heres the problem. That only made jebs balls a bigger target for trump to kick. Jeb doesnt really believe im unhinged. He said that, very simply, because he has failed in this campaign. Its been a total disaster. Nobody cares. He cancels your insult by saying you didnt mean it and then he insults you back. Hey, trump, youre an asshole [as trump] you dont really believe im an asshole. Youre just saying that cause youre a loser and im banging your wife. The match that really surprised everybody was the babyfaced thirstquencher marco rubio versus the bridgeblocking bully, governor chris christie. Chris christie launched an accusation rubio is an empty suit with canned lines. Lets dispel once and for all with this fiction that barack obama doesnt know what hes doing. He knows exactly what hes doing. I would add this lets dispel with this fiction that barack obama doesnt know what hes doing. He knows exactly what hes doing. This notion that barack obama doesnt know what hes doing is just not true. There it is. There it is. He knows exactly what hes doing. The memorized 25second speech. Thats the reason why there it is, everybody. Chris christie called rubio out on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking points like a stumped speech robot, and rubios reply was, beepboop, beepboop. Beepboop. I am human. Beepboop, beepboop. [upbeat music] and lastly, we welcome back to the debate stage donald trump. [cheers and applause] [instrumental music] kasich . [applause] what about kasich . Can i introduce kasich . It must be so noisy in here. Yes, yes. Were gonna introduce Ohio Governor john kasich. Yeah. The moderators are facing the stage and they still couldnt tell the difference between an empty podium and john kasich. Trumps bailing on the last debate before iowa because he doesnt like the moderator, fox newss megyn kelly. Obviously, they have a history. It started at the first gop debate when last august, she asked him this. Youve called women you dont like fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. You once told a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. Does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president . Hell yes it does, said millions of americans. Now, to me, this is the sort of questiontough but fair that makes megyn kelly one of the most fearsome anchors out there. But not everyone feels that way. Shes a thirdrate reporter. Whoever even heard of her before the last debate . [richard wagners ride of the valkyries playing] its the same way we wont call you an asshole because we, too, are constrained by political correctness. Asshole. [cheers and applause] when mexico sends its people. Theyre bringing drugs, theyre bringing crime, theyre rapists. Hes not politically correct and he says what is on his mind. Yep, he says what is on his mind, and thats what people are looking for. Finally, a president with the guts to tell mexicans that they are rapists. Take that, abraham lincoln, you coward we have new video. What it shows is a black protestor being escorted out of the building. On his way out, a white man in the crowd jumps up and punches him in the face. The other reason this guy might have thought that he could get away with throwing a punch was something donald trump has been saying. If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you . Seriously. [cheers and applause] i promise you i will pay for the legal fees. I promise. Oh, youve gone soft, trump. Old donald would make the mexicans pay for the legal fees. [laughter] tonight were gonna look at whether part of the responsibility for Donald Trumps rise lies with the news media. Now, its a complicated questions with a lot of im just playing. The answer is yes. Yes, the media is responsible. Foxs first gop debate this season shattered every record all at once with 24 million viewers. Thats making a lot of money for the networks. Cnn reportedly charged 40 times its usual rate for ads during the threehour extravaganza. The New York Times looked at this and they came up with this incredible figure. Almost 2 billion over the last nine months or so. That eclipses all of his other republican competitors combined. The media has given trump 2 billion worth of free coverage. Thats the equivalent of every commercial in the super bowl for the last five years. Yeah. Yeah. And frankly, america would be better off with president puppymonkeybaby. That thing is creepy as [bleep], but ill still choose it as a president. I would vote president puppymonkeybaby as my president. [dramatic music] as my president. At our house, were always down for more. Case in point our handcrafted skydiving chamber. Be hungry for more. Just never be hungry. With premium pepperoni and 100 real cheese. Ding hot pockets with booking. Coms range rebel and key can wing it all the way to jordan and chelseas wedding. Rumble road trip. There she is. Uh oh, oh, oh, oh, what . So here is our road trip itinerary. Whats this . A bunch of different places. Nah, bro. We gotta go offscript. Rip to shreds every motel, cabin and teepee, between here and the wedding. Now get out of my seat. Alright. screams road trip whahhhh hahaha. Road trip my brother and i have always been rivals. We would dream about racing each other, in monaco. We were born brothers. Competition made us friends. Wish bold in the 2017 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. The family favorite. Yoplait. The middle seat sucks. The middle seat sucks more with jolly rancher. Somebody better get their hand out of my pocket keep on sucking its here, but its going by fast. The opportunity of the year is back the mercedesbenz summer event. Get to your dealer today for incredible onceaseason offers, and start firing up those grilles. Lease the c300 for 379 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. If i hired you, i see a few things changing. Less mergers and acquisitions, more charitable donations. Retiring on top. Linda . letting boredom get the best of me. And then, returning triumphantly. Smells like were done here. [old spice anthem] well this is my equation for success. I developed the 4 ps. Politeness, patience, practice and. Promotion heeyaw heeyaw [dramatic music] mm. Tastes like narcissism. Oh, welcome back. When we left off, we were at super tuesday, around the time marco rubio was trying to beat trump at his own game. [hiphop music] trump likes to sue people. He should sue whoever did that to his face. He was so scared, like a little frightened puppy. Flying around on hair force one. You ever see a guy sweat like this . He doesnt sweat cause his pores are clogged from the spray tan. Little mouth on him. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. His hands are the size of someone whos 52. Have you seen his hands . And you know what they say about men with small hands. [crowd yelling] you cant trust them. And i do believe that is the first president ial candidate dick joke i have ever heard. [laughter] so then little marco left the race and it was between trump, kasich, and a meltingwax statue of ted cruz. Sooh, thats actually ted cruz . Oh. Wow. Oh, well, anyway, the choice was down to who america hated less. Donalds is a fragile soul. Cruz, who is a nasty guy who cant get along with anybody. If youre afraid of megyn kelly. Youre gonna be afraid of valdimir putin. Senators dont like him. The people he works with dont like him. Whoa, ease up, guys. Youre both horrible. Some in the republican establishment are not happy with the two frontrunners. Having to choose between being shot or being poisoned. Theyre warming to trump because they can kill cruz and they think, well, well kill trump later. This is almost like a political game of [bleep], marry, kill. Its just theres no marry, you just kill one and get [bleep] by the other. Itsagain, its like being shot or poisoned. What does it really matter . [laughter] [applause] who is shooting and whos poisoning, between trump and cruz . Well, donald is like being shot in the head. Okay. You might find an antidote to poisoning, i dont know, but maybe theres time. But isi dont understand. Are you sayingwait. Are you saying are you saying im saying my partys completely screwed up for the moment. But then why would you nominate why would you nominate anyone then . For ted cruz to have risen so fast from freshman senator to president ial contender means that people must really love this guy. He is probably one of the most hated people in the senate. Both democrats and republicans do not like this guy. Hes been called a fraud and a whacko, and thats by some of his own republican colleagues. Right. They hate him as they have hated no senator before him. [laughter] what a description. They hate him as they have hated no senator before him. Thats right. They hate him. Listen to how former republican speaker of the house john boehner talked about cruz just yesterday. He absolutely tore into ted cruz last night, calling him lucifer in the flesh. I have Democrat Friends and republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but i have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life. Do you know how many terrible people john boehner has worked with . Let meokay, let me put it this way. Let me put it this way. One of them was just sent to prison and is a child molester. And still, john boehner was like, nah, cruz is the worst. Cruz is the worst. Trust me, kids, cruz is the worst. Trust me. There no love lost between trump and cruz. And that almost turns out to be true between trump and most republican leaders. Donald trump is a phony, a fraud. Im very concerned for our country if we nominate him. This is gonna be a disaster for the Republican Party. Hes very dangerous for the country. I think hes very dangerous for the party. This party does not prey on peoples prejudices. Donald trump does not represent me and he does not represent my party. He doesnt represent the Republican Party or its values. Wow. Thats like newstepdad levels of hate. Like, [bleep] you, donald youll never be my dad i mean, nominee time and time again, the gop has ganged up on him. Republican leaders have made trump feel unwelcome, his opponents getting together behind his back, and its not like trump hasnt noticed. Ive been treated very unfairly. Ill give you an example. Unfairly by who . I think by basically the rnc, the Republican Party, the establishment. Theyre not treating me well. I dont think its fair the way that the establishment is treating donald trump, ill be honest. Two men who dont really see eyetoeye on many things, kasich and cruz, have finally realized they have no choice but to try something desperate. Ted cruz and john kasich are teaming up to stop frontrunner donald trump. Unable to beat trump on their own, now working handinhand to split some of the remaining contest. Ooh, i see. So individually, they know they stand no chance against donald trump, but as a team, each making up for the others weaknesses, they just might defeat him. Donald trump delivers a knockout blow in indiana. We are suspending our campaign. Crowd no im so conflicted. I mean, ted cruz lost, but because donald trump won. Its like finding out your herpes is gone, but its because your dick fell off. 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Case in point our handcrafted skydiving chamber. Be hungry for more. Just never be hungry. With premium pepperoni and 100 real cheese. Ding hot pockets what are you doing . Sara, i love you, and. [phone rings] ah, its my brother. Keep going. Sara, will you marry. [phone rings again] what do you want, todd . . . . [crowd cheering] keep it going if you sit on your phone, you buttdial people. Its what you do. Todd if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. I know we just met like, two months ago. Yes [crowd cheering] [crowd cheering over phone] [dramatic music] now the race is over and the Republican Voters have chosen a mutant from a carrotjuicing accident. Andand now in order to win the general election, republicans know what they need to do. We want to bring unity to the Republican Party. We have to bring unity. I think what is required is that we unify this party. Unifying and growing the party is the only way were gonna win. Why does he seem stoned . Whats going on there . Unifyits the only way i get through this [bleep]. Im just i love that. Yeah. Unify. Unity u yeah, it reminds you of the Queen Latifah song except the people singing it this time are neither women nor black. So the Party Leadership is calling for unity amongst all republicans. And just like the primaries, its going very well. A deep divide within the Republican Party. The fractured Republican Party. A split hardening. Mitt romney saying he wont even vote let alone attend the convention. Dick cheney throwing his support to the frontrunner. Both president s bush saying you will not see them at the republican convention. Senator rand paul said hes endorsing the nominee. Theres no reason for me to go to the convention. What do you mean, theres no reason to go . What about the gift bags . [laughter] donald trump is not president ial material. Most people would be fired from their jobs if they did this, let alone someone running for president. I just dont think he can keep a lid on it. It is not president ial. Yesterday i was hearing about how im gonna become president ial, and i can do it. Hey, you know what, im, like, a really smart person like a lot of you people, and president ial easy. You know what president ial is . I walk on. [speaks indistinctly] [hail to the chief playing] [cheers and applause] [laughter] thats all trump thinks the presidency is . [laughter] imagine just howimagine imagine having a president who just told us his game, like, his game plan ahead of time in every single situation. Like, after a mass shooting, trump would basically come out and go, [as trump] okay, im gonna open with griefstricken boohoohoo. Then ill do solemn then hopeful. Queue a single tear, and then well go to lunch. Everybody on the same page . Everybody on the okay, here we go. [laughter] another tragedy. The republicans are basically split into three camps. So youve got the people who dont support trump, youve got the people who arent ready to support trump, and the most interesting people are a group who spent the whole race throwing [bleep] at trump, and now theyre picking it back up, spreading it on a sandwich, and taking a big bite. Narcissist. Donald trump is insecure and weak. If he is the nominee, i will be voting for him. I will be supporting him. Hes not qualified to be president. Its important that the party find a way to get behind donald trump. Let no one be mistaken. Donald trumps candidacy is a cancer on conservativism. Rick perry just told me in a phone call from his home state in texas that he does support donald trump. I asked him if he would be interested in being Donald Trumps running mate, and he said, i am not going to say no. [laughter] soso wait. You want to be running mates with cancer . Thats what youre saying . I mean, ii guess it has a pretty strong history of winning, but still. Ive come to to know donald trump. There are two different Donald Trumps. Theres the one you see on the stage and theres the one whos very cerebral, sits there, and considers things very carefully. You can have a very good conversation with him. In any other world, in any other campaign, having two faces is a charge the accused would deny because they know it would immediately disqualify them from running for the highest office in the land, so donald trump, do you agree with ben carson . I probably do agree. I think there are two Donald Trumps. [as trump] yeah. And believe me, theres no problem with either of thems penis. [laughter] so even trump says that there are two trumps, but the question is what does the other trump say . I dont think there are two Donald Trumps. I think theres one donald trump. [laughter] [cheers and applause] you know, we laugh, but its still more likely that theres only one donald trump whos just a cynical, manipulating man, you know, manipulating his followers and his enemies and the media without any concern for what hes doing to the country. Thats possible. Thats probably the truth. But i do hopei do hope that there are two Donald Trumps because that way he could go [bleep] himself. [dramatic music] he could go [bleep] himself. grunts we got this oooowww do summer like a winter olympian. Have a reeses. At our house, were always down for more. Case in point our handcrafted skydiving chamber. Be hungry for more. Just never be hungry. With premium pepperoni and 100 real cheese. Ding hot pockets la charrue passe dans le ciel et je descends lentement with this level of intelligence. Its a supercomputer. With this grade of protection. Its a fortress. And with this standard of luxury. Its an oasis. Introducing the completely redesigned eclass. Its everything you need it to be. And more. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Pretty much over. Shows friend wish we could start it from the beginning. jon bon jovi with directv, you can. You see, weve got the power to turn back time lets start over, lets rewind and lets go back and not quit the gym and have a chance to say goodbye to grampy tim oh, thats the power to turn back time. vo get the ultimate allincluded bundle. Call 1800directv. [dramatic music] there is one thing that i believe might finally make even the most ardent trump fans think twice about voting for him. Its the subject of our new segment you know whos one of the great beauties of the world who . According to everybody . And i helped create her. Who . Ivanka. My daughter ivanka. She is yeah. Shes six feet tall, shes got the best body. Yeah, shes hot. I dont think ivanka would do that inside the magazine, although she does have a very nice figure. Ive said that if ivanka werent my daughter, perhaps id be dating her, you know. Stop it we play this game here. Its called fave5. I ask the question. Ah. Ivanka, you answer first, and then dad, you answer also. This is tough. Okay, ivanka, whats the favorite thing you have in common with your father . Either real estate or golf. Donald, with your daughter . Well, i was going to say sex, but i cant relate that to her. [as trump] well, i was gonna say sex, but i couldnt say that to her. Unless shes cool with it. [laughter] youre not coolokay, cool. Then just golf. Golf and sex . Would that be weird . No, okay. Just golf. Just golf. Whatever. This weekend i feel like we got a glimpse of what america might be like under a trump presidency, and it was scary. On friday night, pure chaos after trump cancelled his appearance in chicago. Police physically separating trumps protestors from his supporters. They are not picking and choosing who is there. It is open to the public. There were some Bernie Sanders supports who held up bernie signs. Protestors and supporters going back and forth so much. The situation became so escalated that there was the potential for danger. When i first started the daily show, a lot of people asked me the same question. Theyd be like, hey, are you ready, trevor . Are you ready for american politics . Are you ready for this election . the daily shows a big are you ready . But now seeing all of this [bleep] happen, i think i shouldve asked if you were ready. Yeah, because im from a thirdworld country. It looks like youre headed to one. [laughter] thanks for watching the trip down bad memory lane. Join us tomorrow in cleveland for the full coverage of the rnc, and we [siren blares] oh. Oh, man. Uh. Oh, gee whiz. Think, think, think. You know what . Ill just tell the cops im ben carson. Yeah, thats why im here. [as carson] now here it is, your moment of. Zen. Im tell you, women do like me. Thank you, god, for sending us donald j. Trump to be our next president of the United States of america [dramatic music] to be our next president of the United States of america im mitt romney, and i approved this message. applause hello. Hello, im mitt romney. Youve just caught me in my den, where im relaxing and not appearing ill at ease. Say, did everyone see that super bowl last sunday . Wasnt that a humdinger . As a regular person whos just like you in every way, i enjoyed it a great deal. And i thought the players from the respective football teams each gave it their all. Its a shame my beloved patriots had to lose, though unless you were rooting for the giants, in which case, i didnt just say that. Anyway, tonight id like to take a few minutes to talk about my president ial campaign and let you know how were doing as we proceed to our inevitable nomination. This past tuesday, we had three primary elections in minnesota, colorado, and missouri. As you can imagine, coming off our huge win last week in florida, our biggest fear in this race was that we might peak too soon. And thats why tuesdays results couldnt have pleased us more. Heres minnesota. chuckling youve gotta like that if youre on team romney. Just what we were hoping for and nowhere near peaking too soon