Daily show im trevor noah. Thank you so much, everybody thank you so much thank you tonight so excited, performing songs off their new album hurt and the merciless, the heavy is here cheers and applause first up, now that donald trump is the Presumptive Republican nominee and by the way, if youve just come out of a coma, go back to sleep. Dont want to see this. A lot of people say he needs to appeal to latino voters. Trump had a plan all along. Mr. Trump tweeted from his desk at trump tower, happy cinco de mayo, the best taco bowls are made in trump tower grill, i love hispanics, and there is a picture of him eating a taco bowl, looks like. Trevor well played, donald well played applause i just love the idea that in Donald Trumps mind, hes just cleared up this entire mess. They bring in the drugs, theyre rapists, the wall, taco bowl. Huh . Are we good now . laughter in all fairness, i can see why trump like taco bowls. A pile of cheesy slop stuffed inside a thin orange shell. I get it. And while were talking about republicans and food, yesterday, we hardly, hardly got to mention this after only one primary victory, john kasich ended his long shot candidacy saying the politics of anger overcame his positive message. Trevor oh, yes. In the end, kasich had to swallow his pride, partly because hed already swallowed everything else. And this was the most reasonable republican in the entire race, yet his enduring legacy will be his enduring appetite. He had more meals than delegates. But dont feel too bad for the governor, because even during his final campaign spheech, kasich seemed to be taking it well. I have renewed faith, deeper faith that the lord will show me the way forward and fulfill the purpose of my life. Thank you. cheers and applause trevor i guess if the g. O. P. Wont let you be theirs, youve got to make yourself your own hero. Moving on from a man who dropped out to a man whos not going anywhere. Bernie sanders, he had a super tuesday. Bernie sanders bolstered overnight with a surprisingly big win over Hillary Clinton in indiana. I understand that secretary clinton thinks that this campaign is over. Ive got some bad news for her. Trevor her husbands cheating on her. laughter oh, what . She knows . Because i just got this fax a few minutes ago laughter of course, there also seems to be bad news bernie doesnt know about. It will still be impossible for sanders to win enough pledge delegates to clinch the nomination. This modest win doesnt even put a dent in secretary clintons massive lead. Hillary clintons delegate lead appears all but insurmountable. The facts are pretty clear. I am 3 million votes ahead of him, 300 pledge delegates ahead of him. Trevor oh, look at hillary, so confident, you know. If she were an emoji, she would be like this one right now, like. laughter at this point, it looks like nothing could stop hillary, not another email server or benghazi. Even if it came out she was becky with the good hair, she would still be fine. laughter now, some people would see that and say thats an insurmountable lead and say, bernie, you need to make like its 6 45 p. M. And put this thing to bed. To by bernie would reply sanders says hes going all the way and there is no stopping him. It is virtually impossible for secretary clinton to reach the majority of Convention Delegates by june 14 with pledged delegates alone. The the convention will be a contested contest. Trevor are you bleep me . A contested Democratic Convention . Are you bleep me . Like, the daily show is going to be at the conventions, and we just avoided Convention Rights with the republicans in cleveland and now bernie is planning maihem in philadelphia . Like, now, if i go to philly and get caught in one little fight, my mum will get scared and i will be forced to move in with my aunt and uncle in bellaire applause next thing you know, me and my son are going to be homeless and then ive got to fight foreman and zaire damn you, bernie laughter im going to say it. I really like Bernie Sanders. I love him. Im glad hes staying in this race because hes giving a voice to something important. Although the longer bernie stays in the race, the longer his policies are in play and the longer you look at some of his proposals the longer you see one or two little problems. A lot of economists are saying the numbers dont add up. The responsible Committee Says initiatives would cost up to 28 trillion and even after massive tax increases that would add as much as 15 trillion to the national debt. How is this fiscally responsible . First of all, i disagree without studying, there are many economist who is come up with very different numbers. Trevor Bernie Sanders is right. Some economists agree with him. There is always somebody who will take any position. I know an economist in chinatown who can get you any numbers you want. Also, a human baby hand. Whatever you need. The problem is, if Bernie Sanders raises taxes enough to pay for his plans, it wouldnt put enough of a dent in Economic Growth that hed then either have to raise the taxes even more in order crashing sounds laughter desi, what are you doing . Im helping you clarify what i think we alknow you meant, that there is nothing wrong with Bernie Sanders, we love him cheers and applause yeah, we do. And all of the policies. Trevor we love him, but im just saying that the tax rates hes proposing no, no, no crash crash crash no. Trevor, have you ever pissed off Bernie Sanders supporters . Its like poking a hornets nest with student debt. Cant you just do something less controversial, like draw a picture of muhamad on a pig . Trevor what . desi, calm down. Were having a reasonable conversation about a few of bernies policies. Ill get the pig. laughter trevor i dont understand this. Look, look. This isnt really such a big deal. When i heard about the budget deficit, i thought, people disagree on numbers a lot and im sure Bernie Sanders is right. The same when Bernie Sanders said his health plan would save america 324 billion a year on prescription drugs, and i thought that was cool, but then i found out america only spends 305 billion. So he said he would save america more than america spends on drugs. So if youre serious hey, everybody ronny chieng here applause dont know him, dont agree with him, send your threatening twitter rants to trevornoah not me trevor were not going doing anything wrong. Hes a pig trevor whats the point if we cant discuss policies . Whats the point of eating ice cream if its going to melt in your tummy . Bernie 2016 Bernie Bernie bernie trevor bernies a great politician but is still a politician and sometimes that means he has to compromise on his values. I mean, he sold himself hard as the antiwar candidate but is also the person who supports the f35 fighter jet program, a 1. 2 trillion program, a plane that the military itself doesnt even want. What are you doing . No stop its an important point is everyone afraid of bernie here . Hold on listen to me. Now, he supports the f35 because a bunch of him are made in his state, vermont. But its hard to be pro trilliondollar jet and antimilitary waste. Come on, guys. Go, i get it. Im not against Bernie Sanders. In fact, maybe his big wild ideas are good news for america because we now know this is the year where voters want nothing more than someone who takes on the establishment and speaks his mind even if his promises are unrealistic and has an insane head of hair i just realized, Bernies Campaign reminds me of donalds noise feel the burn, trevor. Sarandon, out whenever im around you i go home a little bit theres just something about you where the pieces all fit theres a lightness that surrounds you and it guides me like a star oh i am, who i am because you are, who you are if you have a garden, you know. Weeds are lowdown little scoundrels. With roundups sure shot wand, you dont need to stoop to their level. Draw the line. The sure shot wand extends with a protective shield to pinpoint those pesky bedfellows. It lets you kill whats bad right down to the root while comfortably guarding the good. Draw the line with the roundup sure shot wand and target weeds more precisely than ever before. You really know how to throw a party, travis. You got that right. Mmm. Mmmm. Guys we should do this again next weekend. Yeah. Maybe at your house. Any party can be a great party with new tostitos cantina chipotle thins. And monthly taxes and fees95 a moare always extra. Network, with cricket, you get an unlimited plan on a Bigger Network for 65 a month after 5 auto pay credit, and monthly taxes and fees are always included. Looks like tmobiles not all its cracked up to be. And now for a limited time, switch to cricket and get a 50 bill credit. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. Aha cinnamon. Milk. Cinnamilk. Cinnamon toast crunch. Crunch crave those crazy squares. Cinnamilk cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show lets take a moment to talk about selfials. Theyre the top way to show people what parts of your body are on fleek. Yeah, for me personally, its my elbow. Or as i like to call it, my armknee. This can have consequences. Were joined by ro by rony b by, evened everybody looking at pictures of your own head can actually mess wit. In this age of the selfie, theres been a surge in lip augmentation procedures, the love affair with lips leading to a Record Number of lip jobs last year. Doctors say because we see so many images of ourselves on social media were much more aware of how our lips look. People having surgery to enhance lips, to have better selfies. What about duck face . Works for me. laughter yo no ones judging your lips. Were judging your double chin and your weird nose i guess what im trying to say is why are you stopping at your lips . Just fix your whole face. And not only are selfies blowing up lips, theyre also shrinking bank accounts. N. F. L. Prospect Laremy Tunsil should have been celebrating being drafted into the n. F. L. Last night tunsil was projected to go at 6 to the baltimore more ravens, fell to 13ic, that drop cost him 8 million in salary in the next four years. Its for the draft open, a twoyearold video posted to tunsils twitter account shows him taking a massive bong hit out of a gas mask. How do we know thats Larry Wilmore . It could be anyone it could be a timetraveling world war ii soldier. laughter took days of Investigative Journalism to figure out his identity. Had to go through the video frame by frame and it also helped he took the mask off and showed his face. laughter if youre recording yourself doing something illegal and youre already wearing a mask, just leave it on thats what masks are for laughter why does the n. F. L. Even care if you smoke pot . I get it because marijuana could cause brain damage and brain damage is trademarked by the n. F. L. applause but, hey. At least tunsil was just doing something stupid and not dangerous like snapchating or driving. A new law sued build by snapchat and crystal mcgee. Snapchat measurers how fast users are moving while taking the photo or video. A man is suing saying an 18yearold drove more than 100 miles an hour and crashed into his car while she was using the app. Snapchat used to be about dick pics. Now youre encouraging people to take selfies and speeding . I liked it better when you were send meg dicks. At least this woman learned her lesson, right . Even the crash didnt stop mcgee from snapchating. She sent this selfie strapped to a gurney, she types, lucky to be alive. She sent a snapchat after sending a snapchat nearly killed her . Thats like having an allergic reaction to shell fish and heading to red lobster singing the seafood trio. Your car gets totaled and your phone survives what phone are you using . Mine shatters if i drop it on a pillow. laughter unfortunately, selfies arent just addictive. According to some people, they are a god given right. A South Carolina man learned the hard way trying to take a selfie with amy schumer is no laughing matter. The comedian says she was scared when this man ran up to her and started recording video. I told her this is america. I said in america when you see a celebrity you go and take a selfie. This is america he says it like its in the constitution. Listen, nowhere does it say we hold these truths to be selfie evident laughter when we see famous people, we all want to take a selfie of them. I want to take a selfie with trevor now so i can get a ton of likes. Not as many lives as if with amy schumer but still a lot, all right . audience reacts but, you know what . I resist the urge. Thats what being human is about, resisting the base impulses. Thats why im not humping this desk right now. So go ahead and keep taking selfies just understand theres a time and a place, all right . And everyone else stop acting like narcissism is a millennial thing. Old people you would have done the same exact bleep if you had access to the technology. Whats weirder, two seconds snap ago selfie or spending six months painting yourself . applause look how easy it is to do one of these . Look. Trevor i thought you werent going to take a selfie. Youre taking a selfie. I also said i wasnt going to hump the desk, but you have to do what youve got to go. cheers and applause trevor ronny chieng, everyone well be right back you dont need to do that. This is smith forge. A superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. And they built this country with their bare hands. Smith forge. Hard cider the way its sposed to taste. Propel electrolyte water. We put in the electrolytes. You put in the work. Propel electrolyte water. The only water with enough electrolytes to put back what you lose in sweat. vo making the most out of every mile. Thats why i got a subaru impreza. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Nversus the lube strip. With a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. 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[sfx bong] cheers and applause trevor welcome back my guest tonight is a band whose new album is called hurt and the merciless. Now to play the song since you have been gone from that album, please welcome the heavy cheers and applause hey i can see what it is i can see whats on my mind i can see what it is i can see whats on my mind cos my heart dont beat like it should and i cant stop crying memories that i own all this love in my soul all these things that you know my heart cant take it no more since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone you been gone you been gone you been gone you been. So tell me what is love if i havent got you . Im looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow all these dreams in my head broken from the things that you said if i cant have you back in my bed im thinking im better off dead. Since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone you been gone you been gone you been gone you been. The raindrops wont stop falling the raindrops wont stop falling the raindrops wont stop falling the raindrops wont stop falling the raindrops wont stop falling the raindrops wont stop falling from my eyes since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone since you been gone you been gone you been gone you been gone you been. You been gone you been gone you been gone you been. You been gone you been gone c tmobile is spreading some unconditional love, just in time for mothers day. Buy any of our hottest lg smartphones. And get the latest lg tablet free. Thats right. Buy a phone, get a free tablet. This love wont last forever, so head to tmobile today. Beer never looked so refreshing. 100 natural lime flavor in a twist bottle. Bud light lime. [drums and anc ors away melody throughout. ] to get to you. Theyd have to get past us. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. Were here with alvin from the heavy. Thank you to you and your band. Im loving your style. You are like the united nations. Youve got americans, brits, michael jackson, socks, and the microphone is like you stole it from a radio station. We didnt, you know. Trevor is that your mic of choice . This is my mic of choice. Trevor why . Because its so easy to cut the mic. Trevor have you never the mics have a handle. Yeah, but you can use that like a handle and cup it like that. A persons doing that want and in feedback. How many rappers have you seen where you cut the mic and its woo, woo, woo . Trevor i dont watch rap. I listen to Classical Music only. laughter i just died. Trevor thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much. Give it up for the heavy one more time. Hurt and the merciless is available now. Turn up, please welcome once again, the heavy cheers and applause daily shows in here, right . You gonna help us turn up tonight . cheers and applause all right, all right, all right, turn up make it something to believe in you know you got to turn up and make the heart go woh, woh, woh, woh, woh turn up put your hands where i can see them you got to turn up. And keep them begin for more more more more more i got my soul on fire all for you my love and i built a house of dirt and bones from the ground you talk it like you needed it all all your life, you want it. Baby, you can have it all but then you better turn up make it something to believe in you know you got to turn up and make the heart go woh, woh, woh, woh, woh turn up captioning sponsored by comedy central