Patrick, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beep bier into 10 pints of vomit. Apparently, this is supposed to be a religious holiday. Now, im no biblical scholar, but i dont remember jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible until their bodies shut off. Thats not something i remember. Look, obviously, st. Patricks day isnt very big in africa. Youre not going to get a nigerian guy who is like, today, everyone is irish. laughter in america, though, a lot of people dont know this, black people are the whole reason st. Patricks day happens. You see, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the streets. Yeah. But if one black guy showed up, the cops would be like, okay, shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down its a riot its a riot so youre welcome. Youre welcome, white people, enjoy it. Lets turn to the big story tonight. By now youve probably all heard yesterday president barack obama finally made his big pick and no, were not talking about march madness. Were talking about his selection to convert this elite 8 back into a normal 9. Today,im nominating chief judge Merrick Brian Garland to join the Supreme Court. Trevor yes, Merrick Brian Garland. This fine fellow. laughter a chief judge of the d. C. Courts of appeals. Harvard graduate with a brilliant legal mind. Prosecuted timothy mcveigh, and on top of all of that, hes adorbs. You can be the judge of that. Thank you, mr. President. This is the greatest honor of my life. Other than lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. For me, there could be no Higher Public Service than serving as a member of the United StatesSupreme Court. I am grateful beyond words for the honor you have bestowed upon me. Trevor oh, can i keep him. Can we keep him, please, mommy oh that guy is so adorable. Like next to him, even sweet Ruth Bader Ginsburg seems like an asshole. I love him so much. Merrick brian garland. I love it. Its got a ring to it. M. B. G. You down with m. B. G. . Yeah, you know me. Whos down with m. B. G. . Well, apparently, nobody. Senate Majority Leader Mitch Mcconnell said it would be a waste of time to meet nominee merrick garland. Are you more open to meet mr garland. I spoke to Lindsey Graham who said to me he has said to the president , even if you picked me, Lindsey Graham, i would lead the charge against me because you are the one who picked me in an election year. Trevor oh, lindsey. Thats just low selfesteem right there, buddy. laughter youre worth voting for yourself, my friend. Sure, maybe g. O. P. Primary voters rejected you, but rest assured, trevor loves you, baby, trevor loves you. Dont forget. laughter you know, this resistance to judge garland doesnt seem to make any sense. laughter i mean, just based on what Senate Republicans have said about him in the past. Merrick garland is highly qualified to sit on the d. C. Circuit. His intelligence and his scholarship cannot be questioned. Pat roberts, a kansas republican senator, i said, why did you support him in 1997 . He said, i just supported him. In my seven years as president , in all my conversations with senators from both parties in which i asked their view on qualified Supreme Court nominees, the one name what has come up repeatedly fr republicans and democrats alike is merrick garland. Trevor thats right. Everyone likes merrick garland. Hes like the paul rudd of federal judges. laughter in fact, its like paul rudd with a puppys face, and then, like, the puppys rise paul rudds face. Thats more yeah ahhhh ive created a monster. Go away, go away. Bud rudd. I dont get it. Democrats like him. Republicans like him. Why wont the republicans even consider him . They simply do not believe, they say, that a president in this heated of an election cycle who is a lame duck should be able to nominate somebody. The decision the senate announced weeks ago remains about a principle and not a person. The senate will continue to observe the biden rule. Trevor Mitch Mcconnell seems like a bit of a dick. laughter well, just in principle, not as a person. laughter the biden rule isnt the rule. It was a proposal in a speech that biden gave in 1992, where he argued against considering a Supreme Court nominee during that election year. So, yeah, dont get me wrong. Biden messed up, but its not a rule. Just because you propose something, doesnt make it a rule. And that includes tonightue dont have to kiss these people just because theyre irish. You dont have to do that. laughter there is no biden rule. Okay, well, there is one biden rule, and that is if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. Thats the biden rule. Thats the only rule we follow. applause and just, by the way, since when do republicans have any respect for what joe biden says . I think the Vice President very well knows that sometimes the words dont come out of your mouth the right way. Democrats arent asked to answer every time joe biden says something embarrassing. The latest gaffe of the gift that keeps on giving, who is, by the the way, a heartbeat away from the presidency. The next time youre at a party, walk up to someone, just say, environment joe biden, and close your mouth. They will crack up laughing. Trevor yeah, thats true, if you say joe biden at a party, people crack up laughing. Just like if you say ted cruz at a party, people leave. cheers and applause time to go, people. Ted cruz, ted cruz. Time to go, people. Ted cruz. Put the drink down. Ted cruz, come on, guys, get out of here. Ted cruz, ted cruz, people. We should all start doing that at parties from now on. Ted cruz, everybody, time to go. Ted cruz. Listen, republicans, i understand what youre going through. You lost justice scalia, a legendary conservative justice and you coincident want him replaced by anyone obama likes. Heres a big question how do you think this is going to play out . Because, what, you filibuster this guy until obama is gone . Then what happens . What if Hillary Clinton becomes president and she picks garland or someone even more lubl. Or, god forbid, donald trump becomes president , and who knows what hed do. Like, he could he could pick judge jied. laughter applause just because hes heard of her. You dont know what hed do. He might not even paik person. He could nominate a painting of himself or he could nominate a racist bottle of champagne. And i dont even know what that means, to be honest. Because how could a bottle of champagne be racist. Maybe youre celebrating 3, 2, 1 bleep who taught you that, champagne . Bad, champagne. I really dont understand. So the republicans, there really is no winning here. The question is what do you want . Our view is this give the people a voice in filling this vacancy. Trevor you know, this is rich coming from mcconnell. Hes saying give the the people the voice, but hes silence the one voice who the people chose. cheers and applause and hes so dig in on his partisanship, he refuses to listen to reason, even when its right there in the room with him. The next justice could fundamentally alter the direction of the Supreme Court and have a profound impact on our country. So, of course, of course, the American People should have a say in the courts direction. They did by electing obama. It is the president s constitutional right to nominate a Supreme Court justice, and it is the senates constitutional right to act as a check on a president and withhold its concept. Traditionally after a confirmation hearing. I declared weeks ago and reiterated personally to president obama the senate will continue to observe the biden rule. Not a rule. Not a rule. So that the American People have a voice in this momentous decision. The American People may well lake president who decides to nominate judge garland. They already did. For consideration. They already did. President obama made this nomination not not with the intent of seeing the nominee confirmed, but in order to politicize it for purposes of the election. Hes also politicizing. Which is the type of thing that youre doing right now . That chairman biden was concerned about. The exact thing chairman biden was concerned about the biden rule its not a rule theres no such thing mitch youre making this bleep up cheers and applause trevor i couldnt have said it better. Jordan klepper, everyone. Jordan klepper, well be right back. When im brewing up an idea i think about where ive been. I consider the flavors. And then, i bring them together to create something new. Blue moon. Artfully brewed with valencia orange peel and a touch of coriander. Somethings brewing. Hey there, can i help you with anything . Hey siri, whats at ts latest offer . Oh, i dont think that siri can. Right now, switch to at t for an iphone and get one free. Wow, is that right . Yeah, its basically. Yes. That is the current offer from at t. Okay siri, you dont know everything. Well, i know you asked me to call you the at t hostess with the mostest. Okay, shut her down. Turn it off. Right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. Theno one surface. Out there. No one speed. No one way of driving on each and every road. But there is one car that can conquer them all. The mercedesbenz cclass. Five driving modes let you customize the steering, shift points, and suspension to fit the mood youre in. And the road youre on. The 2016 cclass. Lease the c300 for 399 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. cheers and applause . Trevor welcome back. This week marks the start of march madness, the one time of year its socially acceptable to be a gambling addict. The madness of march madness refers to the excitement of a single elimination College Basketball tournament. But here at the the daily show, were taking the madness literally. Instead of crowning the best college team, we created a bracket tournament of our own that let you at home vote on what makes you the mad pes madet really piss you off. And were dawlg third month maybia. Go on line to thirdmonthmania. Com. You cast your vote for which infuriating things should advance to the next round. For instance, will it be trump or Trump Supporters . Is it coworkers or weird smells . And the choice is yours. And its not just voting. You can also full out the full wract and then you go head to head with your friends ever what infuriates you the most. Here to break down the key matchups, roy wood, jr. , and hasan minhaj. We have three incredibly aggravating matchups. A lot of tough picks. So many people to get mad. B. Weve got vegans no, sir the n. R. A. This is going to go down to the wire. One group kills you with boredom. The other Group Straight up kills you. Its tough but i gotta go with n. R. A. You can right that down if you want, bro, but id rather get shot than argue about whether fake bacon tastes like real bacon. It doesnt. Do yo lets move on. Martin shkreli versus bill cosby. We have two monsters doing shady bleep drugs. One keep is keeping you from getting your pills. The other guy is giving them to you whether you want them or not. The big thing is nobody knew Martin Shkreli before he started gouge pricing pills. All hes been to us with a douche bag with the worlds most punchable face. Which is why i think so people will be madder at cosby. I have trust issues with sitcom dads now. Danny tanner, seems like a nice guy but i dont know. We dont know. I think our pick is clear, the coz is going to dance his way into the next round. Now, babiess versus old people. Now, these two really match up well against each other. Both teams bleep everywhere with zero personal accountable. This is a real hard choice for me, man. If i was on a plain planeand sitting next to a crying baby or chatty old dude that wont shut up about his exwrns, you know what id choose sp . Who. Exit door midflight. Im gone. Wait, wait, come back, come back, come back, come back. One thing you didnt consider, roy, old people, very racist. Now, im pretty sure no baby has ever called you a calendar fella. Yeah, but he was probably thinking it. Oh oh. I gotta go with the grandpa on this one. I think he makes me madder. Put it on the bored. Those are our picks but you still need to do yours. Go to thirdmonthmania. Com and vote on what makes you the maddest. Trevor hasan minhaj and roy wood, jr. , everyone, well be right back. We belong together we belong together yes we do announcer the best deserves the best. Activate or upgrade now to the new Samsung Galaxy s7 edge and get 24 bonus gigs a year. On verizon, americas 1 network. Give extra. Get extra. Aspartame free diet pepsi. Just one sip [ahh] and youre in love. Fact. Theres an advil specially made for fast relief that goes to work in minutes. The only advil with a rapid release formula for rapid relief of tough pain. Look for advil filmcoated in the white box relief doesnt get any faster than this. Advil. cell phone rings where are you . Well the squirrels are back in the attic. Mom . Your dad wont call an exterminator. Can i call you back, mom . He says its personal this time. If youre a mom, you call at the worst time. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Where are you . Its very loud there. Are you taking a zumba class . And this. Is a thlive photo of a cat. Live photos are more than just photos. They come alive when you touch them. And then they go back to still when you let go. So every time you take a picture, you get more than just a photo. You get to relive the moment. Because it teleports you through space and time. Im kidding. Time travel is dangerous. cheers and applause gl welcome back. My guest tonight is an actor whose new movie is called the divergent series allegiant. The left hand activates the drone. Does it do anything else . Not much. Use the drone to find the target. It will take you a while to get the hang of it. Yeah. I think i got the hang of it. cheers and applause . Trevor please welcome theo james trevor theo, my good man. He looked so smug in that clip. Trevor i think you looked handsome, my friend. Thank you. Trevor you looked very handsome. A question do you ever worry about your general safety when you are walking on the streets, or just doing your thing in life . Life . Just because ill tell you why. I worry for you because women scream everywhere you go. How cow know when its danger . laughter . Whether to run trevor you dont know because the rest of the world goes, a woman screaming aarrgghh do you still turn around . No, i just run that way. Trevor you run in the direction youre facing. I genuinely need help. bleep thank you so much for coming on the show and thank you so much for being here. A lot of people might be shocked right now that you are british. This throws people off quite a bit. What is going on . Why like, does bloodshed brt have all the handsome men . How does this work. Whats happening . Theyre a lot cheaper, for one, i think, a lot cheaper. I coapt know, really. Trevor the way you did this, i dont know, really. I think its because of that. You hodid you practice your american accent . Im always fascinated by that. I practiced it because the first proper american thing i did was a tv show and i thought i could do an american accent and when i got cast and on the first day i met the other cast, and they said, oh, youre doing an american accent . And i said, yes, we just did the readthrough. And they said, when are are you going to do it . Trevor it wasnt one of those things where you practiced as a kid . No, no, no, that would be weird. Trevor i feel like it would be normal. Well, not like that. That would be weird. If you were a little kid and were like, hey, hey im talkingaise kid i practiced i would play westerns with my friend. I see, i see. Trevor but a lot of my friend couldnt speak english and we didnt know what the guy would say in the western. So we would just grab the gun and woawoa. We just made general noises. Trevor theo james, a great name, but it is a hollywood name. We all have hollywood names. For instance, my hollywood name is trevor noah. But my real name is trevor noah. laughter . I thought you were going to help me out here. What i trevor what is your fl name. Theodore peter james. I dont know why i said it like that. Trevor because it get a response, thats why. This is, like, a crazy thing that happens. I did it because it was easier. And i have to say, i wanted to be called theo james as well. Hello, everybody, would let me over your wall, please. Lets talk about the movie. Its a hume series. Have you ever wondered why these films are so successful . Young kid reading about basically the end of the world. Why is that so popular . Why laughter genuinely, i think its obviously fantasy material but i think young people question what the bleep will happen to, you know, a generation or twos time trevor will there be just goodlooking people left . In a fake chicago, yes. Being given tasks. Trevor i loved that in the movie, chicago survives. Everywhere else get destroyed. Yeah. I loved that. Someone is like, whatever the end of the world was, chicago was like, nah. It really must be crazy to be part of that series. You know, do you see yourself going into Something Else where youre not playing not goodlooking, but something that people find as popular, especially young women . Yeah, yeah. laughter not pornography. laughter trevor did you do porn . Did you . Thats what im trying to get into. Trevor no, no, this man has had strange jobs. You were a philosophy major, right . Yes. Trevor but you worked, with dead bodies. Sometimes i read things, and i think i dont know if this is true. You worked cleaning the fluids that dead bodes secrete . Exactly. Just someone in the audience said, wait, what in . What did you do . What it was we collected the basically the equipment that people died. Trevor who is we . Me and my mate dan. We worked for the National Health service, so you have to get the equipment and clean it. Trevor so you were like a cleaning guy. Trevor did you ever have to touch the dead bodies . No, i didnt. They were already gone thankfully. Trevor but the fluid you have to clean that off yeah, vacuum, usually. Trevor vacuum . What do they leave behind . I love this. You have so much fun. We should be best friends. I like this. Really, we should be best friends. Give me your number. Im kidding man. Youre a great guest. Thank you so much for coming. The divergent series allegiant is in theaters this friday. Allegiant is in theaters this friday. Thedoar peter james can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. Padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. Helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. Advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. Heineken is served its world famous. Like me. Come here. Look it happens all the time. Antonio banderas its Antonio Banderas from the movies. Enjoyed in 192 countries. Theres more behind the star. Okayits chewy. His . Really icy. Wooh. Thats intense it just hits you. Its gum. No. Its totally a mint its disappearing as i am chewing it. Where did it go . Its not a gum. Not a mint. Its a breakthrough in cool. Ice breakers cool blasts. This is the allnew 20wow, its nice. Lets check it out. Do any of you have kids . I do yes. This car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parents see how their teens are driving. Oh, thats smart. It even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. Will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car . laughter cause that could be useful. This is ahead of what my audi has for sure. Wish my beamer had that. I didnt even know that technology existed. Im not in the market for a car but now i may be. Trevor thats our show, everybody. Dont forget, join us, fill in your brackets at thirdmonthmania. Com. Were going to have a lot of fun. Join us next week at 11 00. Here it is, your moment of zen. And i cant believe this, but i guess its a thing leprechaun porn. What. I guess well show you some of it . Coming up at noon. Or not. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause larry thank you very much thank you man, what a crowd much please. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much