Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141126

Stephen tonight, i profile one of Congress Last remaining democrats. Ill ask her how she plans to repopulate the species. Then big changes come to the senate. Now its run by a totally different old white guy. laughter and my guest tonight is democratic new york senator Kirsten Gillibrand. Ill ask her what its like to pander to the greatest people in america cheers and applause a new york doctor infected with ebola is reportedly now well enough to play the banjo. People immediately stopped wishing him a speedy recovery. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Its good to have you with us. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Stephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for being here. Good to have you with us in here, out there, all around. I have to tell you after a greeting like that i would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers, folks. Lets get right to the big story, last nights midterm elections. Huge night for the republicans across the country. They won everything its senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines. laughter i mean, they were on fire. I dont know why democrats didnt turn out to vote yesterday. What with all the inspiring fundraising emails the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee sent out, like all hope is lost. laughter applause and sure, as a conservative it is tempting to gloat, but im going to be humble about this for two reasons. One, because i am amazing at being humble, okay. laughter fantastic. And, two, i want to be sensitive to all my liberal viewers. I have been told some liberals do watch the show. I dont know why. Its a free country. As happy as i am that america is now headed in the right direction, im not going to spike the metaphorical football or even the literal football i had made with obamas face on it right there, okay. laughter applause wouldnt be right. Im also not going to have a balloon drop because that would be tacky. Jim, lets cancel the balloon drop. Lets just clear the balloons out of that net and get all victory music out of speakers. Come on, get rit rid of it, get it out of there. cheers and applause whooo whooo all right, all right. Im not going to do tokay . Theres a time for all that later, maybe after the next commercial break. , of course, there are a hand full of democrats who did keep their jobs last night. For instance, the subject of the 81st installment of my 434part series, better know a district. Tonight californias 13th, the fightin 13th cheers and applause californias 13th covers a long stretch of californias east bay, making it home to both the oakland athletics, and the berkeley nonathletics. laughter famed cartoonist Rube Goldberg graduated from u. C. Berkeley with an engineering degree in 1904, though he didnt get it howng his wall until 1932. The district is also home to Company Headquarters for clif bar and northface clothing, essential products for both californias rugged outdoorsmen and drugged indoorsmen. Rocker jim morrison attended high school in the 13th town of alameda. Though, like many teenagers, his High School Band mainly just played doors covers. And who has the sligin berken stocks to represent this district . Its none other than congressman barbara lee. I sat down with representative lee in her washington office. Congresswoman, thank you so much for talking to me today. Happy to be with you. Stephen congresswoman barbara lee. May i call you babes. Jeanie or bebe, okay, or barbara. Babes, tell me about the lucky 13th. Its the most beautiful district in the country. The most very creative, very progressive people. Stephen your district includes whamo toys, makers of hiewly hoops and silly string. It also includes oakland which is one of the most diverse cities in the america with 125 languages spoken. Isnt that great. Stephen thats incredible. You can translate this local expression lefthand some yay starts perkin, get hella and post ride my whip. What language is that . Stephen i dont know. Ive been told i said that right. Great, i didnt know you were a linguist. Im a cunning linguist. It figures. Stephen Gertrude Stein said of oakland,there is no there, there. Congresswoman, is there, there, there . Theres a lot there. Stephen it says oakland is the Third Largest concentration of lesbians in the country. Are you sure thats an accurate count . Sometimes they get all tangled up and its hard to tell, how many to tell how many lesbians there are in that pile. Oakland is a very open and beautiful sea. Stephen being just a few miles from san francisco, which is a homosexual mecca, is there a lot of lesbian spillover . People come to oakland. Everyone comes to oakland because they love living in oakland. Stephen Oakland Coliseum is where the wave was invented. I told you oakland was really cool. Really although, cool people. Do you want to get a wave started here . Okay. cheers and applause . laughter cheers stephen wow. That was exciting. Fun. Stephen heres a fun fact you are a traitor because you infamously were th the lone descenting voice for the authorization of the use of military force, the umaf, after the terror attack attacks in 20. How could you stand up there and say i love al qaeda . How could you say that ginever said that. It was a blank check. Stephen yes. To wage perpetual war that the Congress Gave to any president until we repeal it, and i want to repeal it. Stephen what do you love most about terrorism . The patdowns at the airports. I dont even wear underwear anymore. We should have a debate in congress so the American People understand the costs and consequences of going to war forever if thats what were going to do. Stephen ill be everyone else in Congress Cheers and applause i think we have bomb people who want to kill us. A rebuttal. Is it going to make us safer or less safe . Stephen its going to make them dead jeer nirks five years do we have isis 2. Stephen what is your alternative for stopping isis, writing some passive aggressive note. Hey, you guys, a lot of people are saying its a bad thing youre door, not me, i think youre cool, but a lot of people think it would be better for your reputation fuhget about it stop. P. S. , are you going to the party together, lets go together . No way. Stephen it says here you were on the adoption caucus. Were you tempted to find out your biological caucus . I dont think we have a biological caucus. Stephen really . I dont think so. Ill check. Stephen you are on the urban caucus. Arent you a lifetime member of the urban caucus . Lifetime member of the urban what do you mean . Stephen arent you grandfathered into the urban cacus . Grandfathered in . We run every two years. In the elections. Stephen right, okay. You can only take it two years at a time. Stephen you know what i mean when i say urban. I dont know what you mean. Stephen urban. Like where i live where we have sidewalks. Stephen you know, urban people. I live in a beautiful city. Stephen i dont see race, but i do see urban. Are you urban . I live in an urban community. I dont live in an urban community, although i love rural communities. I live in an urban community. Stephen you were involved in the black panthers in college. Was that another free love groove. I wasnt a member of the panth glergz they wouldnt let you in. I didnt even apply. I worked on community programs. Stephen you never officially joined the black panthers. Never. Does that mean you can only raise your fist this pie high . Thats a question i cant even answer because its so stupid. Stephen you sponsored a bill to support programs for comprehensive sex education. How exrens riff we talkin talkit here because there is some crazy stuff on the internet i wouldnt want kids to find out about. Public schools should be able to teach kids how to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease. Stephen but when we were kids applause it was so much simpler. There was this way, that way, that thing, lady on top, and upper done. Now, its so complicated. We dont want to burden these kids with comprehensive education about it. Lets just say, you know, its something not very nice that you do when youre married, and also dont do it. And just be be done right there. Kids need to know about health care. Stephen why not comprehensive abstinence education . Some people think thats the only way. Stephen from this person. Young people should know all the options so that they can be educated. Stephen im practicing absense right now as we speak. More power to you. Stephen that could change if you play your cards right. applause you are really crazy. Stephen am i the only one . Cant be the only one feeling this right now. Geez. Stephen the tension in here is so thick. I mean it is it hangs like a thick musk in the air right now. You are out of your head. Stephen really. Yeah. Stephen are you sure . Yeah. Stephen are you sure. Im positive. Stephen turn the cameras off. Are you sure . Yeah. Stephen let me ask you one more question. Congresswoman, would you like to celebrate your district with me . Sure. cheers and applause stephen congresswoman, thank you for talking to me today. laughter stephen lets put californias 13th up on the big board oh, it looks like someone took jim morrison up on his offer to light his fire. Well be right back. cheers and applause what would you give someone who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . The greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. Just look at those two. Happy. In love. And saving so much money on their Car Insurance by switching to geico. Well, just look at this setting. Do you have the ring . Oh, helzberg diamonds. Another beautiful setting. Im not crying. Ive just got a bit of sand in my eyes, thats all. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. I got to work only twelve minutes late saved dan from an embarrassing date its the wendys bacon portabella melt rich portabellas, all melty and cheesy. Earning one is super easy [laughing] cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back. Oh, hi folks, you caught me, you caught me snacking. On this roasty donkey leg. That im definitely not serving to my guest democratic senator Kirsten Gillibrand, because that would be insensitive. But i have to tell you folks, she is mmm she is missing out because it is so tender. It must have been that boot stomping it got last night. And i am sure that senator gillibrand is already full of humble pie after the electoral devastation. Angry voters gave the g. O. P. A landslide victory. It was such a tsunami last night. The republican midterm tidal wave washing over congress. A political earthquake. Stephen yeah, it was a land slide, a tsunami, a tidal wave, earthquake all the things god sends when hes happy with whats going on. cheers and applause . And it was a great night. It was a great night for the fresh new face of the g. O. P. , mitch mdconnell. A face so fresh tissue hasnt even grown lips yet. laughter meanwhile, last night, barack obama had to watch his legacy go up in smoke, but thanks to a washington ballot initiative, that is now legal. cheers and applause . Washington, d. C. Voted to legalize pot use and possession in small amounts. Washington, d. C. , the nations capital, legalizing marijuana. , possessing up to two ounces of marijuana for personal use is now legal. Stephen thats right, d. C. Now stands for dank chronic. cheers and applause . And thanks to this new law, we are never going to get lincoln off that damn couch. applause and if anyone needs to take the edge off after last night, it is this guy. So i say, go for tsir. Appoint yourself commander in fleece. Youre looking at two years of the Republican House and senate. Whats the worst that could happen . You get high and nothing gets done. cheers and applause you get high, and maybe get paranoid that congress is out to get you . You know, the white house has a Movie Theater and a bowling alley. I say its time to tear up michelles organic kale patch and plant some skunk force one. And fuhget about it ever sir, if you ever get the munchies, the secret service has proven that the dominos guy can just jump over the fence. Well be right back. cheers and applause you can control with gestures. Like now, shes flying a spaceship to mars were flying a plane to detroit. Intel. This is where it all changes. High pitched excited squeal yes yes kids never get this excited about clean teeth. But dogs do. Give the gift that makes dogs giddy. And fights plaque and tartar. Greenies dental chews. Wait, where is everybody . Randy oh theyre all at old navy. Amy but i need my audience randy i know, but someone is going to win a Million Dollars on thanksgiving. Amy thats crazy randy theyre crazy. Amy but this is my second to last farewell tour. Randy oh i know that, but thursday and friday, the entire store is 50 off. Amy well i wanna go, do you wanna come with . Randy uhh ya. Amy i dont like to be alone. Randy uhh, the doors open at 4pm. Amy do you have a car . Randy its my moms. Amy come with me. Randy yea amy who do you love more, me or your mother . Randy you. Ias the people of this , little belgian town waited for the crowning moment nature had other plans but. With the help of the masters of the artois brewery a new star was born stella artois. Originally brewed as a beautiful holiday gift. For the people of leuven, belgium. Dad . What a surprise. This is my new boyfriend, mark, i was telling you about. Nice to meet you. Ohhh. Easy to dip, hard to put down. New rolled chicken tacos, with your choice of dips. Only at taco bell. [sfx bong] tonight. My guest tonight is a democratic senator, i plan to record her language before it disappears forever. Please welcome Kirsten Gillibrand cheers and applause thank you so much for being here. Nice to see you again. Madam, are you a democratic senator from the great state of new york, and youve got a new book, and it is called off the sidelines raise your voice, change the world. Thank you for being here. I know you got a book to push. laughter but it must have been hard to get out of bed this morning. Knowing that the democrats have been relegated to the dust bin of history. After last nights elections, the last election, i understand, there ever will be. laughter how does it feel . It was hard to get up this morning . You know, i was a little disappointed, of course. But, you know, it remains to be seen to see if mitch mdconnell says it going to do what he says hes going to do which is actually try bring people together and get things done. Stephen are you democrats are finally going to get out of the way, stop being such obstructionist of the republicans aegd . Agenda . Are you going to help them achieve toes plans for a Better Future . Were going to try to find Common Ground, and thats something i have done in the past, and doing Something Like making sure students can refinance their federal loans cheers and applause you know, working on ending Sexual Assault on College Campuses cheers and applause thats the kind of Common Ground i hope we can get done, and i think what the election was really about is people are angry. Theyre frustrated. They look at washington and they know its broken, and they want us to listen to them and do their job. And im as frustrated as they are. Stephen are you going to help the republicans arb chief their number one goal build a time machine and make barack obama never having existed . laughter applause . Well, i hope that they are sincere and actually want to do the business of the American People, focus on the economy, focusing on getting things done. Stephen you actually are on an interesting committee. Youre on the environment and public works committee. And now youre going to have a new chairman, james inhofe. You and he differ slightly on global warming. Yes. Stephen hes got some interesting ideas. He believes it is not happening. laughter and that it is a hoax. Okay . Where is the middle ground for the two of you . Are you going to come over to his side . Are you going to compromise on that one and just say its not happening and im sure hell agree with you. Any new yorker knows how crushing Superstorm Sandy was, so you have these violent superstorms coming not once every 100 years but once every two years. We have to be able to come together to work on things exo 2 actually address it. Stephen but hes from oklahoma and that dont have hurricanes. But they have tornadoes and there are wildfires in the west. Stephen and theyre prepared to allow oklahoma to become ethiopia, and that is the opposite of our problem, which will be too much water. Okay. Maybe you could meet together somewhere in appalacha where the waters wont rise . I will try to Work Together to find Common Ground to address these real challenges our communities are facing. Stephen do you think that washington will get any more. Friendly now that yall can smoke pot with each other . laughter legally. Do you smoke pot . No. But i think its interesting that a lot of states are taking it up as a referendum. I think its something that is very ripe for review. And i think for our state, its really important that any person who is prescribed medical marijuana gets access to it. Its really important. cheers and applause . Stephen but legally, legally, when youre down doing your job, you know, and after hours, legally, you guys could all get together and smoke pot. We could. Stephen you could. We could. Stephen maybe that would help, maybe and you mitch mdconnell get together im not saying, i dont smoke pot, but maybe you guys could smoke and be like, what are we talking about . Youre cool, i love you. You know. He can catch his reflection in something and i go, i do look like a turtle. Thats hilarious. I dont think about it. It could turn the capitol into one big bong, it would be fantastic. What do you hope if you could bring legislation to the republicans, what would you what would you say, guys, lets do this together . What would you bring to the floor first . I would focus on economic agenda and especially paid family leave. We are the only country that doesnt create paid leave, whether a sick family member, aging and dying parent. Stephen but we are allowed to leave. People are allowed to leave their jobs. They can leave. You just cant come back. Most people cant afford to leave. The woman who is it going to clean the studio tonight cant afford to take days uppaid. We have to make sure all workers, particularly women, who are often dealing with a lot of family emergencies can get the support they need to be in the workplace and achieve their full potential. And i would focus on something as simple as equal pay for equal work. cheers and applause . Stephen i recently eye didnt know this, i recently found out i was a feminist so i have to agree with you. When you say off the sidelines are you talking about the democrats or are you talking about women or anybody . Who is on the sidelines who you have to get off them . Its about women. Stephen i can interested . You can read it. If you do you will learn a lot about you will learn a lot about your life. Wife. Stephen one thing i understand about my wife, she doesnt like it when i hold hands with women. cheers and applause . Senator Kirsten Gillibrand. Thank you so much. Thank you. The book is off the sidelines. Read it, male, female, go get it. Well be right back. cheers and applause . 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[berenson] yeah. Were almost at the pickup. Ill call when theyre in the air. cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. cheers and applause . Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org