Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen. Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on a second, folks. Folks. Ill be with you in a second. I just have too finish up here. Folks, the whieft crin establishment is under attack again and i am just whittling myself a little personal defense cross, okay. And if anybody comes at me i can give them a little salvation right in the jugular. All right. If they get past that, ive got this knife. Folks, i might have to do it, because once again, the secular progressives are coming for the most sacred american holiday in the first half of october. Jim. The staelgt school board giving Christopher Columbus the boot . In order to celebrate the Indigenous People of the seattle area, the scookd has unanimously voted to have the school observe Indigenous People day. Stephen yes, seattle is replacing columbus day with Indigenous People day. Why . They didnt discover america. And it was right under their feet the whole time. How lazy do you have to be to not even look down . And they claim they claim its about fighting racism, but tell them whats really going on here Peter Johnson jr. . Its a social and political statement that says that Christopher Columbus was a violator of Indigenous People. Its a slap. Its an attack on columbus day. Stephen yes, its an attack on columbus. Day. laughter or to put it in a way that fit my preexisting graphic, its columbus day under attack. Mam mam mama mia. Jesus and columbus side by side, just like they were on the nina and pinta. , of course, st. Mary on on the sainta maria. As an American Patriot i identify with an italian explorer employed by spain. This is the good kind of immigrant. I would be fine with the border jumpers if they were just trying to find spice routes to asia. And now seattle wants me to feel guilty just because columbus arrival uttered in centuries of subjugation and genocide. Its over. Were making amends. Just this weekend were sending reba to mohegan sun. What more do they want . Worst of all, if this catches on, we stand to lose all of our most cherished columbus day traditions. It all starts bright brightand early on columbus day morning when the kids rush downstairs in their p. J. Toss say, were off from school why does dad have to work . That doesnt seem right. No, it doesnt. It doesnt seem right at all, kids. Then we go to the parade and eat our way through sauseech. I think right now, all of us feel like that italian guy who played that indian guy in those pollution commercials. laughter applause day breaks, you stay brave, iron eyes. We may forgive, but we must never fughet about it. cheers and applause . Nation, i love internet memes. They teach us about human nature. In fact, i learned that from an internet meme. And a viral vidclip recently burning up the hashweb is an argument over the weather between two toddlers. Its raining. No,. Its spring ling. Its raining. No, its sprinkling no, its raining. My mom told me its sprinkling its raining. No yes, it is. My mom told me it was sprinkling, not raining. My mom said its raining. Stephen its a classic case of hesaidmomsaid, shesaidmomsaid. And talk about precocious. These kids are appeal to authority to argue over something they actually kind of agree about. Just like cable news does. You see, msnbc cheers and applause msnbc says its sprinkling, fox news says its raining and cnn says whatever, its wet. Throw Anderson Cooper out there in a tight tshirt. cheers and applause . Now, unfortunately, unfortunately, what should have been a civil shouting match erupt swod violence. Its raining its raining. No, its not its raining. Ow i dont care. Its raining. No, its not. laughter stephen im not crying. My fies is just spwinkling. cheers and applause okay, jim, lets go over here. Nation, it seems like every time you turn on the news lately, you hear something that shocks you to your core. Just this morning, i was horrified to find out there is an election next month and this midterm season, the best political ad does not promote a candidate. It promotes a demonized minori minority. Stephen yes, republicans are people, too. I have not seen such courageous rebranding since white castles it is food. cheers and applause and the man responsible for this ad, vinny minchillo, has vast experience making republicans seem humans because he once worked for mitt romney. Vinny says he made the ad because on social media, ive been called every name in the book. Its become socially acceptable to talk about republicans in the most evil terms possible. Or to put vinnys explanation another way he poked my heart. Stephen you poked his heart. And just like that little boy, republicans have had a hard time communicating with women. I tonight know why. Folks, i dont know why. Republicans can be anybody. They can be women. Men. But mostly stock photo models. And it doesnt matter that we checked with the photographers and found out that the guy in front of the prius is not a republican, and lives in sweden. laughter and that the republican reading the New York Times does not affiliate with either party and is actually reading the wall street journal. I just think that this ad, this just adds to the message of inclusiveness. Republicans can be people that theyre not. As long as we can find the right stock photo, i believe republicans can be people who do yoga on produce. Republicans can be women who eat salad in the bath tub. Republicans can be astronauts who take their helmets off in space. Republicans cheers and applause republicans can get tangled in yarn. And republicans can even be tv hosts. cheers and applause . Thats right, folks. Thats right. I am, i, Stephen Colbert has a confession to make. For nine years now ive been telling you im an independent conservative, but that was a lie. Ooohhh stephen im sorry, i thought i was fooling everyone. Last night when i finally came tout my family as openly republican, they said they always knew. They could tell. This commercial has inspired me to encourage all closeted republicans who are afraid to be themselves to join me. Im looking at you, papa bear. Awns, im an independent. Im an independent, but i know both parties pretty well. Im an independent, im an independent, all right. Stephen okay, girlfriend, whatever helps you. cheers and applause wharf helps you cry yourself to sleet at night. We can talk when youre ready. Well be right back. cheers and applause [safety beeping] [safety beeping] [safety beeping] the nissan rogue, with safety shield technologies. The only thing left to fear is your imagination. Nissan. Innovation that excites. With unlimited talk, textes for just a hundred bucks and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. Want phones with that . 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Power. aaron purrrfect. vo meeeow, business pro. Meeeow. Go national. Go like a pro. Welcome back, my guest is eye rock n roll legend. I believe its a concept album about a white noise machine. Please welcome robert plant cheers and applause boom, boom. Come on sit down, my friend. cheers and applause you know what . You never thought i never thought i would start an interview by saying, i just touched robert plants butt. Robert, thank you so much for being here. It got warm. Stephen i have very gentle hands. Robert, my leesh lord, thank you for being here. How has your rocktoner been treating you . So far, so good. I dont know where we came from recently. You came from the land of the ice and snow otherwise nope as canada. Yeah, exactly. Somebody called it Something Else the other day when we were in toronto but thats another story. Y woo came from japan through morocco, up to estonia we got lost. Stephen is that just for fun or is that business . Thats because im still on a mission. Stephen a mission or a quest . Because i see you youre a commander of the british empire, right . Youre a c. B. E, right . Were not sure about empires, are we . Stephen not much anymore, no, no. Whats that . Holy laughter you took out my pet flag. Are you a Knight Errant on a quest . I dont think im ever going to make the full grade, actually, to be perfectly frank with you. Its been a long journey, and i think c. B. E is. As far as i can get. Stephen what about in your heart . What about as an artist . Are you on a quest of your own . I think i manage to its a lot of cereals in the morning. Stephen so you have plenty of fiber, very important. And it keeps me regularly marchingeing forward. So my quest basically im going to get to the end of this somehow or other its a long one and has no end. Its a wonderful thing to do surrounded by great people. I brought you a little present from the stock room. Stephen what is that . applause im not lets find out what this is later. Okay, yeah. Stephen shall we . I think its one of the accessories of being not quite as nice as the british empire, but on the way. Stephen all right, well, thank you very much. And for the purposes of my lawyer and my network, this is a cigarette. Okay. cheers and applause . Now, you besides being a rock god, beside being the original rock god, you are also a a huge fan of poetry. Do you have a favorite english poet or a style of poetry . Yeah, i think william blake. applause stephen tiger, tiger, burning bright. Yeah, but the kind of grip that he has, that great stirring the nation. Stirring people by the fireside. Beautiful stuff, really great. Stephen do you like the romantic poets, the gothic poets. Very much. Youll find them all inside that album. Stephen nice segue. The ambum itself is called lullaby and the ceaseless roa roar. What is the lullaby . Is the ceaseless roar the lullaby itself . Its all life. Its the ricochet and the the collision of all the adventures ive had, i suppose. Its time to write some of them down. Stephen so the sea shell on the cover here, is the ceaseless roar the sound we hear when we listen to the sea . Its a parallel to that, yeah. Its a place to take stock. Stephen i heard that that that crashing wave sound and nthe sea shell is actually us hearing our own blood pounding in our ears echoed through the shells. Thats a relief, isnt it, really . Stephen youre right. I thought it was magic. Yeah youve come to the right place. Stephen is there a time when youre not in full robert plantness. Because right now, im still get im still getting the full robert plant. Is there a casual robert plant in sweat pants and flipflops walks his dog maybe with a handful of poop in a plastic bag. Is it out there someplace . Does it exist . Backstage at the fillmore in 1970, i think. Stephen and there wasnt a dog. There was. Stephen do you have a dog . Yeah, i do. Stephen whats your dogs name . His name is arthur. And hes the future dog. Stephen if you could be a character from an arthurian legend, who would you be . Would you be arthur, lance lot. I would be dervele. He is the only guy you ready to have a little news. Stephen always. Hes the only guy actually written about from the last battle before he teleported off with the three chicks. Stephen on the goat. Dervele survived judge he went on to be somewhere in a monastery on the welsh border or Something Like that. Stephen you want to be him because he lived . He lost his right hand, but he had a left one. He kept going. Stephen always nice to have a spare. applause well, rocket robert, would you s out gidont know if i can do that that . Am i request qupon gld we have a tambourine. What more need you . Thank you so much. Robert plant. The album is lullaby and the ceaseless roar. Well be right back. Its the candy bar thats too hot for tv, in all its naked glory; stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. 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[ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. Stephen his new album, lullaby and the ceaseless roar. Ladies and gentlemen, robert plant and the sensationald space shifters. I found a lucky charm i dressed it up with love i crossed the seven seas to you will it be enough . And i will be a rainbow, oh while your storm is gone and i will bring the song for you and i will carry on im reachin for the stars in the sky above oh, i will bring their beauty home the colors of my love i will be a rainbow now your storm is gone and i will bring my song to you and i will carry on oh, whoo oh, whoo whoo oh, oh love is enough, though the world be a wind and the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining my hands shall not tremble, my feet shall not falter the voyage shall not weary, the fish shall not alter, hmm its rainbow, oh, its rainbow, oh, cant you see the eyes are the eyes of a lover . Pocket full of hearts a world thats filled with love a love that carries all before the passion and the flood i lie beneath your rainbow now your tears have gone and i will sing my song for you and i will carry on. Yes, i will Whoo Whoo Whoo whoa, whoa, yeah cheers and applause Stephen Robert plant, lullaby and the ceaseless roa roar. This is a pip. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. [safety beeping] [safety beeping] [safety beeping] the nissan rogue, with safety shield technologies. The only thing left to fear is your imagination. Nissan. Innovation that excites. So did you hear the new iphone is out . Im getting one sprint is offering this exclusive new plan with unlimited data. The plan is only 50 a month 50 . Unlimited iphone [glass shattering] so should we eat . The new sprint simply unlimited plan, exclusively for iphone 6. Unlimited data, talk and text for just 50 a month. Switch to sprint and well buy out your contract. Its the best value in wireless. Yourwhen they wake up dry incing pampers. While ordinary diapers have 2 layers, pampers has 3 absorbent layers. So they stay up to three times drier, for up to twelve hours of protection and good mornings. Pampers. Wow [ narrator ] on a mission to get richard to his campbells chunky soup. Its new chunky beerncheese with beef and bacon soup. I love it. And mama loves you. And dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm anncr now you can merge the physical freedom of the car, with the virtual freedom of wifi. Chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring builtin 4g lte wifi to cars, trucks and crossovers. Hi mom. You made it anncr its the new independence. Are. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Lullaby and the ceaseless roar. Good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause . Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest tonight its a good one jeremy renner. Jeremy renner is going to be here for the new film kill the messenger. Man, is it a good story. First, remember the big financial crise, 2008 . laughter if you remember tyou werent there, man. laughter that was woodstock. Anyw