I need i need i need the strength you give me, because, folks, this is a dark day. A dark, day, day for cultural conservatives like myself. That day hump day. Because god decreed in the bible hump day is between one man and one woman. Now its anything goes. On monday the Supreme Court refused to hear five gay marriage cases and as a result, more than half of all americans now live in a state where gay marriage is legal. cheers and applause . Well, i say, i say, bravo. Is now americas number one network. cheers and applause and while our nation is going to hell in a handbasket, the Republican Leadership is going someplace even worse california. House Speaker John Boehner will visit california this week to raise money for an openly gay republican candidate. Speaker boehner is trying to broaden the tent. Here you have the topranked republican in the house, the speaker of the house, who says, im going to go out there for a gay republican. This is what our party stands for. I think that actually is a powerful message. Stephen that powerful message, please forget all of our previous messages. laughter and, folks, that is wrong. That is just wrong cheers and applause and i am stunned. I cant be alone with this feeling. I am absolute stunned that john boehner is raising money for a homosexual candidate and confessed gay person, carl demaio. Because, folks, this is just a slippery folks. Today boehner is fundraising for gays. Tomorrow hes doing robocalls for box turtles. And just last year boehner said this i believe that marriage is the union of one man and one woman. Its what my church teaches me, and i cant imagine that position would ever change. Stephen no, no, it wont change, wont change at all. Thats what being straight is all about. You pick one position and you stick with it for the rest of your life. Okay. Face to face, lights on, no eye contact. cheers and applause luckily, folks, the Family Research council and the National Organization for marriage have stood up with an openly antigay letter saying we cannot in Good Congress urge our members and fellow citizens to support candidates like demaio. They will secure a platform in the media to advance their flawed idol and serve as terrible role models for young people who will inevitably be encouraged to emulate them. laughter oh, yes, its inevitable. Teenagers definitely copy whatever congress does. cheers and applause thats why applause you know thats why all thats why the cool kids are always hanging out at the mall refusing to pass an agriculture bill. laughter applause and boehner here is betraying core conservative beliefs for the worst possible reason its what the majority of voters want. Republicans are grappling with the political reality that the country, especially young people, are moving toward gay marriage acceptance, even support. 61 thats more than three in five of republicans aged 1829 favor allowing gays and lesbians to marry legally. Stephen really three in five . That is shocking. That there are still five republicans between the ages of 18 and 29. laughter i just where are they . I dont applause i gotta go to different clubs. I feel like the last man on earth who opposes manman marge. And according to george will, pretty soon i might be. Quite literally, the opposition to gay marriage is dying. Its old people. Stephen im not old, george laughter applause im not old im just im just tired, okay. Im just ive been doing the show for nine years, for petes sake. cheers and applause . These right here, these these right here, these are just these are just fighting gay marriage lines. Im just as young and as new as my ideas. laughter besides,ed abouts, the sanctity of traditional marriage is not some badge, george. You cant pray away your gay. Well, you cant gay away my pray. For christians like me this is a civil rights issue in i dont like gay people getting civil rights. And im not the only one who feels that way, National Review writer and skinny george Lucas Matthew j. Franck, recently write ago he wrote that the courts nondecision is a slowmotion dred scott for the 21st century. Which is eerily similar to my Science Fiction series slow magazine dred scott in the tirs 21st century. applause dred scott, of course, was the enslaved plaintiff in the Supreme Court case that found african americanafrican america, which the white man was bound to respect, which, coincidentally, is also the city motto of ferguson, missouri. Just like the dred scott decision, these gay marriage cases will inevitably lead to a civil war. And ive taken the liberty to predict what it will be like to remember that war in my new landmark documentary, the gay civil war. Jimmy. applause jimmy, lets cheers jimmy, lets break hearts. My dearest sara, indications are that we will soon move out against our vast and fabulous enemy. I do believe in our cause. As jefferson himself said, its adam and eve, not adam and steve. And i loves me the brown sugar. Though death may come, im willing to lay down my life to make sure lesbians cant register at bed, bath, beyond. Sarah, my love for you is depthless. It binds me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence could break or if two dudes get married. In that case, i am out of here, because ick. And yes, and yes cheers and applause and, yes, we antigay marriage crusaders may be fighting a lost cause but we still have our honor. And 20 years from now, well swear we fought on the other side. Well be right back. cheers and applause left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. Right twix has the same thing. They have packing tape like that over at right twix . Try both. Pick a side. Twix went to the auction. Started my camry. Won a storage locker. Found an old guitar. Tracked down the previous owner. Reunited them. Hit the jackpot. The bold new camry. One bold choice leads to another. Toyota. Lets go places. Want to change the world . Create things that help people. Design safer cars. Faster computers. Smarter grids and smarter phones. Think up new ways to produce energy. Be an engineer. Solve problems the world needs solved. What are you waiting for . Changing the world is part of the job description. [ male announcer ] join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring americas future engineers. Energy lives here. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Folks, i gotta get on my desk here and i hope this doesnt come as a surprise to any of you people. Barack obama is a complete failure. If he is so committed to fighting terror why am i seeing popup stores filled with things that scare me. When it comes to national security, when it comes to national security, this guys worse than jimmy carter. Dont believe me . Just ask jimmy carter. Even jimmy cart ser on the attack telling a texas newspaper the president waited too long to deal with isis. He says you have to have somebody on the ground to direct our missiles, and to be sure you have the right targets. Then you have to have somebody to move in and be willing to fight isis after the strike. Thats president carter. Holy smokes. It is jawdropping. There is simply no other way to put it. Stephen i have another way to put it jimmy carter just kicked obama from the peanut pouch. Oh, nap oh, snap, obama. Being called a wuss by jimmy carter . Thats like f. D. R. Beating you at kick ball. And nowhere, nowhere, ladies and gentlemen, nowhere has obama been weaker than in the realm of strategic nomenclature. Past president s when theyre at war give the war a name. They call is operation desert shield, operation desert storm. He hasnt named the war yet. To me thats astounding. We havent named the war yet, the nonwar war. Stephen thats right, obama has refused to name this operation even though we have been launching airstrikes in two months. In his h. D. Day, p. Diddy could come up with Everybody Knows why obama refuses to pick a nomdeboom. Their Mission Remains nameless. Is it because the white house doesnt want to admit america is, indeed, at war. President has not given names to the syria or iraq operations and thats unusual and may reflect the president s own ambivalence over a war he does not want fight. According to a source, if you name tyou own it. And they dont want to own it. Who is the they who wont own the what according to whoever at the wall street journal wont name. For gods sake, answer me, obama. Because bill hemmer is not conveying information of any kind. And a real leader a real leader would step up and give this mission a title that would rally the public, like when colin powell named the 1989 invasion of panama, operation just cause. Not not to be confused with his title for the 2003 invasion of iraq, operation just cuz. cheers and applause then the First Military intervention in 25 years without a code name. Now, it might be because our chinstrokerinchief wants to avoid an embarrassing acronym here, like past rejected code names, operation afghanistan freedom, which spelled oaf, by accident. Or operation iraq liberation, which spelled oil. applause but so far, the only actual name military planners have suggested to the pentagon was Operation Inherent resolve. Which was rejected because, as one military officer put it, it was just kind of bleh. applause i agree. I agree. Although, given the mood of the country right now, i might go with operation kind of bleh. I mean, how hard can this be . Just look at the great names weve come up with in the past. Operation sharp edge, or operation vigilant resolve. Either one of which could be a great slogan for viagra. So if barack obama wont step up and name this mission, i will. I hope that history will remember Stephen Colbert as the man who had the courage to name the war he was not willing to fight in. So lets head over to the name chamber 5,000. cheers and applause welcome. Welcome to the name chamber. Welcome to the name chamber 5,000, a name we got out of the name chamber 4,000. Heres how it works. Okay i have two types of slips of paper in there. The red slips have descriptive words like just, swift or paisley. The blue slips have powerful nouns like eagle, or liberty or emma, which is the most popular girls name of 2014. Im going to get in there, grab one of each and finally settle the debate over the name of the war we have never debated. Jimmy. cheers and applause blow me all right. All right, barack obama. Okay. All right. Barack obama, i know youre watching. From now on, were fighting operation operation turgid hammer. Or perhaps operation reckless chain saw. Or we could strike fear in the heart of our enemies with operation luxurious pull tabs. cheers and applause there. Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen youre welcome. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen theres a bunch of good names, mr. President. Okay, so please lets put some sack in this tack. Theres another good one, operation sack attack. Well be right back. On the news they say things arenhow there arent the be. Opportunities they had back in the day. They make it sound like we missed out. Now everybodys got something to say theyre all in my ear knockin on your door aint got no fear got everybody watching see our time is near the thing is, theyre right. Times arent what they used to be. This is a new time. This is our time. We make our own opportunities. With unlimited talk, textes for just a hundred bucks and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. Want phones with that . Hook up everyone in the family with the Samsung Galaxy s5 for zero down get four lines for 100 dollars and the Samsung Galaxy s5 for zero down so make the switch to tmobile today well even buy you out of your Service Contracts dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm applebees let the fans put thefamous 2 for 20 menu. The i put the wonton tacos on applebees 2 for 20 menu because i love them. And, i am old enough to know what love is were still talking about tacos. Right . Applebees. Where fans know best. Ghave a nice flight r bag right here. Traveling can feel like one big mystery. Youre never quite sure what is coming your way. But when youve got an entire company who knows that the most ontime flights are nothing if we cant get your things there too. Its no wonder more People Choose delta than any other airline. Im almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. My guest tonight is a comedy legend now starring in the broadway show love letters. Or as the kids call it, sexting. Please welcome Carol Burnett. cheers and applause carol, miss burnett, thank you so much for coming on. Carol, carol, carol, thank you so much for being here. Oh, my so thrilled to be here. I just love you so much. Stephen oh, well the feeling is mutual, carol. And i also like you. laughter Everybody Knows who Carol Burnett is. Youre a Living Legend of entertainment. Lets see you had a show which ran from 19671978, the Carol Burnett show. You averaged 30 million viewers. cheers and applause . At that time there was only one channel. Stephen right. And all of the televisions were coal fired, right, exactly. But those are super bowl numbers. Thats the kind of fame people on television today cant understand. What was it like being on our tvs every saturday night, 10 00 . 10 00 on saturday night. Well, i loved it very much. We had a good time. We we didnt work that hard. laughter applause . Stephen really . You didnt work that hard . No, we didnt, no. It was like a school schedule. I worked in the morning, like, from 10 00 to 3 00, picked the kids up, home from school, went to work the next day. I averaged about 25 hours a week working. applause cheers stephen nice work if you can get it. Yup. Stephen what do you think is different about america now . In the heyday of your show, you were on saturday nights. At one point it archie, bunky, mash, mary tile moore, and you on one saturday night. It was the greatest night of television, greatest lineup ever on television. It was one of them, definitely, yeah. Stephen why do people not watch tv on saturdays anymore . Whats different . Was it a simpler time when we didnt go out with our hiphop and saggy jeans on saturday night. It was appointment television. Thats when the families got together. Today, i dont know. You know, ive seen some of the sitcoms today, and what i think is theyre written by teenaged boys in a locker room. laughter stephen youre talking about the fbomb. Exactly. Totally, totally, totally. And its so easy to get a laugh that way. Stephen i know, bleep those people. Thats what i say. laughter applause stephen aside from, obviously, your legendary career on television, youre also youre also star of the stage, and youre going back to the stage right now, as you have for decades now. Im bleep thrilled about it. laughter cheers and applause stephen youll be starring in love letters starting this saturday and the next month. Love letters is a sweet and simple story. Rather, a simply told complex story of peoples love expressed in letters. Yes, im fortunate enough to be working with a wonderful actor whom i adore, brian dennehy. Stephen brian dennehy. Thats a great guy. Very forceful. Very powerful. He has a head like a shoulder of beef. Hes got shoulders like Joan Crawford used to have. Anyway, its a story of this couple and their relationship that spans about a 50year period. It starts when theyre five years old stephen so you play a fiveyearold when it starts . Youve got range. Ive got a lot of range. Stephen it starts it starts when they have coashes. He goes to a Birthday Party that shes invited him to. And it spans their relationship over a 50year period. And its just a beautiful story about these two people. Stephen people dont write each other letters. Shouldnt you update a play like this to all just be texting . No, no. Stephen the play would be over in eight minutes. No, no, we wouldnt do that. But its not just about writing letters. Its about their relationship. Now, i do get letters. Because were on youtube, so our show im getting letters from kids you know, threehole, lined paper from school and theyre just adorable. Stephen do you write them back . Yeah. Sometimes if they leave a phone number and i like the letter, ill call them. applause only for kids, you know. Not i go out on the road sometimes, and i do q a. Stephen just like the beginning of the show. You still do the questions . I never know what theyre going to ask. I dont want to know. And not too long ago this little boy was in the second row and he was raising his hand. And i said, hi, yes. He said i have a question. First, whats your name . Andrew. I said how old are you andrew . And he said nine. And i said you know who i am . And he said, surprisingly, yes. laughter stephen well, carol, thank you so much. Carol burnett, love letters, beginning this saturday. Well be right back. Anncr now you can merge the physical freedom of the car, with the virtual freedom of wifi. Chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring builtin 4g lte wifi to cars, trucks and crossovers. Hi mom. You made it anncr its the new independence. So i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. Ted what are you doing . I was trying to get these skittles, but i got stuck. [ crickets chirping ] maybe i should try. [ spider ] i say go for it. [ crickets chirping ] trap the rainbow taste the rainbow at devry university, a Business Career was my goal. My professors guidance, helped me find career success. At microsoft get started now, with our 20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. Classes start october 27. Visit devry. Edu cheers and applause thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central announcer from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ applause ] jon welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. Glad to be back. Excited to be back. My guest, former secretary of defense, leon panetta a new book called ready to fight. With iesz isis. Thats them. Terrorist army rampaging across the middle east. An organization so vile, just thinking about it is enough to make you vomit nonstop for hours on end. Sitting on the toilet drenched in sweat. I had a bad day yesterday. [ laughter ] why is it seafood newberg is not all it should be. What is it . This group is a grave threat to all of civilization. President obama this group has terrorized all who they come across in iraq its more frightening than anything i think ive seen. They are an imminent threat to everybody interest woo have president obama