Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140926

And zyrtec® is different than claritin. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Zyrtec®. Muddle no more™. Have ohare party repair remove them. And install tostitos cantina chips and salsa. Guaranteed to bring that south of the border je ne sais quoi to any occasion tostitos. Bring the party. Jon thats our show here it is, your moment of zen. The doctor put president obamas coffee cup salute on the couch. As a psychiatrist we may see these things unfolding, these episodes or anecdotes wherein the president seems to be at war not just with our ncaptioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen tonight, can military action solve global the worlds problems. Well its certainly alleviated the worlds rubble shortage. Then, a surprising ally in the war on terror. Meet the family black sheep brian bin laden. And my guest, Walter Mischel, says the key to success is the patience to delay gratification. Ooh i want some delayed gratification now laughter cheers and applause a new Mexico Police officer claims to have seen a ghost on a surveillance camera. But he let it go because it was white. laughter cheers and applause this is the colbert report cheers and applause cheers and applause Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. cheers and applause folks, folks you know me. You know what we do. You know that i have never been a fan of attorney general and guy who likes what he sees eric holder. Well, today we found out that not only is he a jackbooted thug, but it turns out hes also a quitter. Breaking news. A major departure from president obamas cabinet. Eric holder, the first African American attorney general of the United States and the closest friend in the cabinet to president obama, is going to announce today he is leaving the post. Yes, obamas presidency is sinking so fast, even his friend wont stick around. And im being told we have some foot annual of holder escaping collapsing obama regime in the nick of time. cheers and applause i gotta say, im with Mitch Mcconnell here. This is very exciting. Holder will be leaving in 2015, but so far, no replacement has been named. So tonight, i humbly offer. My services as attorney general. cheers and applause Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen. Now, folk, i hear your fall. Full disclosure i am not an attorney, but im pretty good at things in general. laughter and im a quick learner when it comes to legal matters. One time, i fell asleep during a law and order marathon and woke up knowing the word jurisprudence. Its only a matter of time before i know what it means. And as our new attorney general, my thirst for justice will not be slaked until we solve cold cases like the untimely death last february of celbrated weatherpredicting groundhog, Staten Island chuck. Hell be forever remembered in our hearts as the one that wasnt punxsutawney phil. laughter because now a startling new revelation has come to light that suggests chucks death may have been. Murder cheers and applause why are we just learning about this now . Because it turns out this grisly tale of rodenticide goes all the way to the highest office in the land, then back down a few rungs to the mayor of new york city. Jim . The New York Post is reporting the groundhog, hoisted into the air and dropped by mayor bill deblasio in february, died from internal injuries a week after the groundhog day festivities. Stephen thats right, Staten Island chuck died after bill deblasio dropped him. Of course, chuck had been dropped by a mayor before, but but that was mayor bloomberg, so he only fell a few inches. Now, at the time, it seemed like an accident, but think about it Staten Island is the only borough that deblasio lost in the mayoral election. So, clearly, he responded the only way Staten Island understands with a mobstyle execution of their most beloved resident. It was a coldblooded groundhog hit job straight out of woodfellas, laughter applause but the conspiracy goes even deeper, folks because after the mayor made sure chuck had seen his last shadow, Staten Island zoo officials went to Great Lengths to hide the death from the public possibly because the zoo gets nearly half its 3. 5 million annual 3. 5 million annual funding from the city. Thats right. The mayor bought the zoos silence. Turns out elephants dont have such a great memory when theyre being paid to fuhget about it. laughter applause cheers and applause still, how did mayor deblasio pull Something Like this off . Shouldnt a clairvoyant animal, able to see six weeks into the future, also see his own death coming . Well bad news, bill he did. Not the only bombshell in this report. Chuck was actually charlotte. It was a female standin. And the groundhogs had been swapped out because zoo officials were concerned that chuck would have tried to bite the mayor. Stephen of course chuck wouldve tried to bite the mayor it was kill or be killed at that point it was kill or be killed so chuck arranged for a body double no doubt after getting a tip from his mole in city hall. Oh, and dont even try to get your hands on chuck now, mayor deblasio. Because i hear hes gone underground. Now, nation, we are just four days into our latest war. For more, lets go to something loud and flashy. Dadada. Dundundun. Airstrikes on terror syrias business. Shove it up their isil cheers and applause jimmy . Jimmy, i thought we were going to fix the sound on that. We did. Stephen great sounds good. All right. Folks, as excited as i am that were finally dropping bombs, if i were in charge, id make it a little bombier. And im not the only one. This is part of the bomb damage assessment. There you see the picture before upon a facility, and then after, and heres another one. You almost have to look twice. You have to look twice. They blew up half the building where most of the Telecommunications Equipment was. Thats just it. Why didnt they blow up the whole building. Essentially, they knocked out cable tv for that building. Why didnt they blow up the whole thing. All the airstrikes are doing is knock out the cable. Though they will be sucked into a quagmire with a soulless enemy. Thats against the geneva convention. Plus, missiles arent enough here. We need boots on the ground, yet obama refuses to send troops on the flimsy excuse that no one in the world thinks thats a good idea. Fortunately, theres a new plan from americas greatest military mind. We need a Worldwide Strike force to be able to go to the hot spots in the world and confront islamic terrorism, jihaddists on the ground. We need that. But why should the United States have to protect the whole world . So my idea is to raise a force of mercenaries, well paid. If you dont pay, you dont get any protection. You wouldnt believe how many military people are calling me going, thats a great idea. Stephen hes right. I wouldnt believe him. And you upon,un, folks, these mercenaries will be good guys because only the best people kill whoever you want for cash. Its quality folks like im saying. Unlike those suckers who do it for love of country. But, sadly, not everyone is seeing eye to eye with papa bear, like the lefties over at fox news. With your idea, youve gone from out of the box to off the wall. Do you really want to be running around the world, responsible for a band of desperadoes . It could turn into a frankenstein force that you cant control with unintended consequences. This is a terrible idea, a terrible idea, not just as a practical matter but as a moral matter. Were not going to solve this problem by creating an army of Marvel Avengers or the guardians of the galaxy. Stephen oh, come on please. Bills plan isnt like the avengers or guardians of the galaxy. Theyd be an elite team of pros putting their consciences aside to dish out violence for big money. So its like the nfl. cheers and applause but as long as were drafting our teams in bills fantasy warfare league, folks, ive got my own plans for an elite strike force that i drew up years ago, in mrs. Templetons fourth grade english class. And unlike bills plan, mine doesnt need 25,000 mercenaires just 10. Because theyre all mutant double ninja supersoldiers with laser nunchuks. cheers and applause thats right. Thats right, isis doesnt stand a chance against stevies Super Soldier squad. Theres brick, snake, tank, snake m. , snake r. A lot of them are named snake so only snake doesnt have to use the last initial because he signed up first. These guys are all primed for the kill because they were frozen in cryostasis right after they saw their dog killed. Which means when they thaw out theyre like nooooo karate chop karate chop pew pew pew backflip land on a skateboard punch a dinosaur and this part is important they get to stay up as late as they want, and the only person they answer to is the contessa. Shes firm but fair. And that black leather jumpsuit is just barely keeping it all in there for mrs. Templeton i mean the contessa so listen up, bill. Because as long as were pretending theres a way to fight a war that doesnt involve sacrifice and that the American People and politicians dont have to feel any responsibility for, we should think bigger. Like maybe my invisible bomb that blows up only bad guys. Bill, you wouldnt believe how many military people are calling me and saying thats just as good as your idea. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause in a world filled with fads, what did you get . No clue, but its jacked with protein. Wow its nice to get back to basics. W p3 portable protein ck from oscar mayer th 13g of rious protein. Its p3, its oscar mayer. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, folks, you know, it is nearly impossible to contemplate the true horrors of war. So instead, lets look on the lighter side of arial bombardment in tonights smile file of death. Hahaha tonight, the story slapping a grin on my skull is about our arab allies in the war on terror. You are all brave men, with one exception. We learned today one of the pilots in the operation is a woman from the united arab emirates. Mayor mariam almansouri flies an f16. She is the first Fighter Pilot in the united arab emirates. She flies an f16 and is a u. A. E. Team leader. Stephen yes, a female Fighter Pilot flying airstrikes for the u. A. E. She has shattered the glass ceiling. And the rest of the building as well. Folks, im thrilled about this lady pilot or pilette because ive been a longtime supporter of womens equal right to fight in wars instead of me. laughter and im not the only one. Hey isis, you were bombed by a woman. Oh yeah. I hope that hurt extra bad from you because in some arab countries, women cant even drive. Stephen yeah that is progress for women any wayto roll that progress back . I hope that hurt extra bad from you because in some arab countries, women cant even drive. Problem is, after she bombed it, she couldnt park it. I salute her. Would that be considered boobs on the ground, or no . Oh stephen wow wow i mean, how, how ignorant. How ignorant can you . Boobs onthe ground . This mariam almansouri womans a Fighter Pilot. Show some respect. Its clearly a pair in the air. Folks, i want to be clear about something i think theres nothing wrong with referring to somebody by their naughty parts. Thats where i agree with the cocks on fox. cheers and applause like them, i salute mayor almansouri and her top guns. Those sweater missles are locked and loaded. So isis, brace yourself for shock and awwwyeah. Theres a rack over iraq and you havent seen weapons of mass destruction like this pair of abu double dhabis. Because major almansouri is fighting isis and their oppressive, narrowminded view of women, which should bring hope to all other intelligent, capable women who right at this moment are suffering half way around the world. Well be right back. cheers and applause tmobiles network has more data capacity than verizon or at t. Its a network designed differently. A Network Designed Data strong. Yeah, girl you know, ive been thinking about us and, uh, i just cant fight it anymore its bundle time bundle mm, feel those savings, baby and thats how a home and auto bundle is made. Better he learns it here than on the streets. The miracle of bundling now, thats progressive. Claritind presents two allergy sufferers. One tried nasacort, which could take up to a week to feel maximum nasal symptom relief. The other took claritind,which starts to work on allergies in 30 minutes. The moral nothing works faster than claritind cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a psychologist whose new book says delayed gratification leads to more success in life. So if you really want to go places, youll wait for the paperback. Please welcome Walter Mischel cheers and applause thank you so much for being here. Is it dr. Mischel . Whatever you like. Oh, no, whatever you like. My name is walter. Stephen its just walter. Walter, thank you so much for being here. You hold the Robert Johnson niven chair as professor of psychology at columbia university. Youre an egged head in more than one way. Youve been elected to the National Academy of sciences, the American Academy of arts and sciences one the contribution award by the American Psychological association. And your book is, the marshmallow test mastering selfcontrol. This title has so many things i like myself, control, and marshmallows. Explain to the people out there marshmallow test. When did you hold these tests . Most of the work was begun in the middle 60s, 1960s. And then it continued and continued and continued, and its still ongoing now. Stephen so whats the test . The test actually youve got some you want and i stephen ill go with mine. Ill go with mine. These are pink. Theyre pink from paris. Stephen or paris. Lets do the paris pink ones. We have three mash maloze here. How does the test work. It works like this. If im the child stephen ill the the child. Youre the child. Two here, one here. Now, theres also a pel over here that you can ring. Stephen i ring it or you ring it . You ring it. Stephen damage. I come right back into the room. Ring it again. Stephen ding. I come back into the room. Now you can be i really come back into the room. Stephen i understand. You can have this one and time you want. Okay . laughter applause youre done. Stephen diwin . Diwin. You got your one. But thats it. Because youre not going to get those two. laughter applause cheers stephen another so my understanding is, my understanding is you think that one who doesnt eat the marshmallow first, you found were more successful in life . The longer kids waited to get the two, the longer they waited, on the whole, generally, the more successful their lives turned out to be if they were consistent in how they continued in selfcontrol over the life course. Stephen so delayed gratification, saying wait and youll get two, in what other place, other than eating mash maloze, does that come in handy. It comes in handy, for example, if you have to start delaying gratification because you cant eat the marshmallows, because youre in a classroom, and youre trying to concentrate on what the teacher is saying. So what we found is that over the years, to our surprise i mean, we werent predicting it that length of time kids wait is related, for example, to what their body weight is, what their body weight index is, their body mass index sby the time theyre 32. Its related how well they pursue their goals, how effective they are at work. Its related to all kind of things, including s. A. T. Scores, when theyre adolescent. Stephen do we even need the s. A. T. S anymore if we have the marshmallow tests. We get all the kids in the room, the kid who waits for the two marshmallows, right to the ivy league. There are a few steps in between. But theres no question that being able to do what you didnt do laughter is is something that can be very, very useful for you because what its saying to us is that you actually were able to keep a goal in mind i want the two you were able to inhibit interfering responses like shoving it right in your mouth. laughter . Stephen so good, though, theyre delicious. You know, theyre very special. Stephen yeah, yeah. And youre able to use your attention, which you didnt do laughter in a way that lets you actually not gobble the marshmallow and keep on going. Thats a very fundamental skill. It now has a fancy name. Its called executive control. Stephen these are very good marshmallows. Theyre very special. Stephen were they this good back in the 60s, because i know marshmallow technologies every 18 months the Storage Capacity of a marshmallow doubles. I believe its called smores law. cheers and applause . Do you not want one . No, i dont you. Stephen dont want one . I actually dont like the things. cheers and applause . Stephen walter, Walter Mischel, the marshmallow test. cheers and applause well be right back. Huh, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Everybody knows that. Well, did you know you that former pro Football Player ickey woods will celebrate almost anything . Unhuh. Number 44. Whoooo fortyfour, thats me get some cold cuts. Get some cold cuts. Get some cold cuts whooo gimme some geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Whoo fortyfour ladies, thats me whoo. Gonna get some cold cuts today cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59 and 59 seconds, this happened on kotaku. Oculus rift the Gaming Community event, yes, there is a you gaunda Gaming Community event. The Security Guard using the headset for the first time got disor centsed and the video was so spectacular it has nearly a million views