Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. cheers and applause stephen now folks, thank you. Thank you, folks. Thats great. Before we get started, i understand your enthusiasm, ladies and gentlemen, dont get me wrong, i understand. But ladies and gentlemen, before we get started i cust want to address the horrible tragedy in the ukraine. Earlier today a Malaysian Airline flight carrying 295 passengers and crew crashed apparently brought down by a missile. It is an unthinkable loss an our thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this senseless act. And there is more trouble in the middle east after ten days of trading missile launches earlier today there was a brief talk of a ceasefire between israel and hamas. That broke down as both sides could agree on the fire part, not so of the cease. laughter and now israel has sent Ground Troops into gaza. This may sound familiar. But this is different than the last gaza war in that it is happening now. laughter and for those of you that dont know, i taped this show earlier in the evening. So we dont have a lot of information on these stories. But we will have complete coverage of both of these stories on tomorrow nights show and im im being told we do not have a show on friday nights. laughter okay. Oh thank god. laughter those are really depressing. cheers and applause stephen those are really depressing stories. Lets turn to a lighter story. Child refugees. laughter nation, i come to you tonight with a heavy heart and a bloated liver. You see, ive been drinking a lot thinking about this wave of unaccompanied minors flooding into america, fleeing honduras, guatemala and i believe el diablo. laughter sadly, folks, these kids continue to stream in over the border despite our clearly marked you must be this tall to enter the country sign. This is a clear humanitarian crisis. I want to be clear about something here. I am a human. Im not a monster. I care for these kids so very publicly. laughter yes, i believe in securing our borders but some of my best friends are guatemalan. laughter theyre small cheerful people. And i am not the only one wearing my heart on my tv sleeve. I feel bad, as i said, if i was in south or Central America, mexico i would try to get here. Its not the immigrants fault. Broken hearted. Were all really feel bad for these kids. Ive been in Central America many times. I have a gaut palan daughter, now an american citizen. I speak spanish. I love the latin america people. Stephen i too have a deep love for the latin american people. I mean these kids arent just invading our country, theyre invading in here. And with our hearts full of love for the latin american people, its clear what we must do first thing you do is start deporting people, to the by the hundreds, not by the dozens, by the thousands. Stephen its praus applause plaus its a tough love. laughter or a very soft hate. laughter but remember the old saying, if you love something let it go. And if that doesnt work, send heavily armed troops to scare it away. Now sure, last week obama deported 38 women and children back to san pedro, honduras, the city with the highest murder rate in the world. Its a good start, dont get me wrong. But 38 people out of 5200 . I mean at that rate, folks, we will not get these we will not get these immigrants out of here until wait a second this calculator isnt in spanish. laughter it doesnt it doesnt have the cheers and applause its spanish ones have that upside down plus sign. And folks, even a troop surge cannot stop these kids because they are surging at our troops. So many of these kids who approach the border, theyre looking for Border Agents to turn themselves in, so they can start this now lengthy Legal Process of trying to stay in this country. These kids are turning themselves into the troops. Thats like having more Customer Service reps at the border. Stephen yeah, its like having Customer Service reps at the border. Though if theyre from comcast those kids might beg to be let go. cheers and applause stephen and i say i say instead of us sending troops down there, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on halloween. Lesss turn off the lights and pretend americas not home. laughter so the kids move on to the next house, canada. laughter cheers and applause i hope those kids like pennies and raisins. laughter but folks, the worst part of this crisis is where the Obama Administration has decided to send some of these illegal children. A very disturbing report about how the federal government is actually spending millions of your hard earned tax colors to house Illegal Immigrants at a texas hotel. Plans to put illegals up inside a multimillion dollar resort hot el and were paying for it. The beautiful palm aire resort and hotel mere mcallen texas offering indoor, outdoor pools, which few, sauna, steam, fitness centre. Its got three pools, a tennis court, jacuzzi, i would few, was that an appropriate proposal, do you think, to troy and house some of these kids . Absolutely not. Oh, i agree. Oh, lets all pay for pablos continental breakfast. laughter i bet every night on the pillow they leave a mint, a green card and immigration papers folded into a swan. laughter just listen, just listen, this is going to shock you. applause this is going to shock you. Just listen to these actual reviews of the palm aire resort from trip advisor. One star, terrible hotel. Mold and musty. Sunken coach, broken handle on shower. Stained sheets. The pool was green. This is the worst hotel i have ever stayed in. I discovered large cockroaches right as i entered the room. Thats right, theyre even giving the kids pets. laughter the bottom line bottom line, we love these kids. And the worst hotel in the world is still too good for them. Kuz these innocent looking children are anything but. Im telling you your safety is at risk and you are in danger. They could be members of gangs, for all we know. Weve got people coming from countries where theres a lot of crime. We know that were getting more than weve ever gotten from countries where there is islamic terrorism. Stephen i think that means theyre islamic terrorists. I mean think about it, it makes sense. Children take naps in these detention facilities. Theyre literally in sleeper cells. laughter and again, and again i want to point out, im not a monster. My heart goes out to these children. Theyre not all vicious killers. Some of them are merely filthy disease carriers. Right now were not sure of their health care status. We have already talked about tb and mrsa. We dont even know what all diseases they have. Sexually transmitted diseases, they will give it to everybody else. Georgia republican congressman phil gingrey is raising Health Concerns about the children as well. In a letter to the centers to Disease Control and prevention he cites concerns about swine flu, ebola virus an tuberculosis. Yes, actual doctor an republican congressman phil gingrey says these kids could be carrying ebola. And yes t that virus has never appeared outside of africa, but gingrey may have caught it from an illegal already because i believe one of the symptoms is baseless fear leaking out of your ass. laughter but thank god cheers and applause folks, thank god that patriots all over the country have taken to the streets to protest these rabidplagued children being spread by obama like festering stool samples across the petri dish of america. And again, and again, i love them. laughter one such patriot is Arizona Republican congressma congressman congressional candidate and human stubble farm adam kwasman who showed up with cameras to blow cade buses of illegal children out of pure videotaped concern for their wellbeing. Republican adam kwasman was an auricle this morning in protest the busing of pie grants to the shell ter. I was able to actually see some of the children in the buses, in the fear on their faces. This is not compassion. Just one problem, those werent Migrant Children on the kbrel owe school bus. They were ymca campers from the mirana school district. No, the bus was ymca kids. Apologize. Do not apologize plav laugh. Stephen do not apologize. applause stand strong. I for one never trust campers. Think about it, they are sent to remote locations where they are trained to use Deadly Weapons so they can capture our flags. Vigilance. Well be right back. 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For free help, call 1800quitnow rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Hey, welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. Folks, i dont know about you, but i for one am just sick and tired of all the leftie liberal environmentalistless trying to guilt me into doing things like recycling and Energy Efficient light bulbs and not throwing old car batteries into the tank at sea world. Yes, those greens had me seeing red until this new trend blew my mind. laughter ma ghenta. If you see a truck in front of you belching out clouds of thick black smoke, could be trouble. Or could be a new trend called rolling coal. Drivers paying thousands of dollars to shoot black smoke at other people on the road. A new trend called rolling coal. Rolling coal, thats what it is calling. Ow, rolling coal or as we used to call it a for too long those earth huggers have shoved their agenda down our throat. Finally there is a way to shove our agenda down their lungs. So how does rolling coal work . Or based on what i know about exhaust systems, not. The way this works is diesel vehicles are modified to increase fuel to the engine. The extra fuel that it burns off as thick black smoke. And if you add in a smoke stack or two the cost of rigging your rig to roll coal can be about 5,000. Stephen 5,000. Sounds like a lot but its way cheaper than strapping a webber to your tesla. laughter and rolling coal isnt just smoke belching public nuisance, its a smoke belching public message. Some say they roll coal because its fun but many of those who are doing it are making a political statement. Either thumbing their noses at the Obama Administrations effort to lower Carbon Emissions or just plain flipping off environmentalists or as they call them nature the ones who hate on hummers trucks and suvs but love their prius. In fact, the black suit spewed by cole rollers is often referred to as prius repellent. Yeah, the only ware to keep a prius away from you is driving over 45 miles per hour. Now a lot of coal rollers, folks, a lot of coal rollers orcoros as no one ever calls them are even uploading hilarious videos of them blasting smoke at people stupid enough to walk or ride a bike. And its great for meeting the babes. Do you smoke . Yes, i do. Stand by. That would make any woman swoon. With the possibility of brain damage. And they dont do to anyone else what theyre not willing to do to themselves. You see that, you see that . If you ares against coal rolling, you hate black people. And if you ask me, thats shameful. And if you ask me, would you implicitly did by watching this show, i think coal rolling is the best new way to stick it to mother earth since paint canin where you dump old paint into a river. Or porpoise corking where you hammer corks into the blow holes of dolphins. Well, well, folks, i want in. Tonight i am rolling this, this baby is puring with a pure 4 canon Diesel Engine blade runner manifold and a pair of desing nuts so jimmy, lets fire her up. Whooo applause stephen yeah yeah hows this feel . How does that feel, leftie . Huh . How does that feel . Huh . How does that feel . Well be right back. And other Car Insurance companies . Yes. But youre progressive and theyre them. Yes. But theyre here. Yes. Are you. There . Yes. No. Are you them . Im me. But the lowest rate is from them. Yes. So thems best rate is. Here. So where are them . Arent them here . I already asked you that. When . Feels like a while ago. Want to take it from the top . Rates for us and them. Now thats progressive. Call or click today. Thats about as american as it gets. Woman what do you mean . Blueberry pancakes, strawberries and cream cheese icing, starting at just 4. 99. Apple pie, watch out. [bell rings] waitress welcome to dennys you in your mud room. Odors you think it smells fine but your guests smell this. {ding} continuously eliminate odors without plugs or batteries with febreze set and refresh. Smells like a field of awesome in here. So you and your guests can breathe happy. Most people dont know how to choose a new dentist. Thats where we come in. Weve helped over 8 Million People find the right dentist, and we can do the same for you. Call 1800dentist today. Call 1800dentist today. [robotic sounds] guess what . Im not a real human man. But i use old spice body wash and deodorant together and now im really cool. I got it, dudes. Oww i think you crushed some of my ribs. Mmmm, you smell amazing. Thank you. Id get off of you, but i cant get up. Maybe i dont want you to. Okay. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight cheers and applause please welcome steven wise. cheers and applause mr. Wise, thank you for being here. All right, sir, thanks for coming on the show. I got a couple warnings right up front, okay. You want youre a lawyer right. I am. An youre trying to get animals the same rights as humans have. In a court of law. Im trying to get a chimpanzee the right to get out of a cage on a rit of habeas corpus. Stephen okay so, humans, first of all dont worry, ill get him. Now whats your argument here. Animals are animals, humans are humans, never the twain shall meet, read your bible. Whats your argument. A chimpanzee is an extraordinary being. She is autonomous. She can be did. Stephen what does autonomous mean. Thats what judges ask. Stephen yeah. It means that she can think about the past. She can think about the future. She can think about how she wants to live her life. She can selfdetermine. And these are the same things that make us so porn that make us want to file writs of habeas corpus when we are thrown in human jail, when she is thrown in chimpanzee jail. Stephen you say because an animal is autonomous, that some animal can make decisions about what theyre doing with their life that they should have habeas corpus. Absolutely. Stephen thats an argument saying shia labeouf should not have habeas corpus. Nasss true. Stephen thats what you just said. You got a book here. A New York Times sunday magazine here, his day in court, okay. This is about one, at least one of your chimps there. Tommy. Stephen tommy, hes a chimp. We have a picture of tommy up here. Thats tommy. Stephen lets take it down because it is sad making. Lets take that down. Okay, why, why does tommy want out . Tommy wants out because hes a chimpanzee joo has he done. Stephen has he told you. He has not told me. Stephen how do you know he doesnt like where he is right now. Because jane goodall and other people told me that no chimpanzee wants to be kept like that. Stephen okay, but man has dominion over animals, right . I didnt know that. Stephen yes. Well well, we eat them. We better, are you a vegetarian. Not tommy. Youre to the going to eat tommy. Stephen not if you let him out. laughter stephen okay, but this really does, youve also got a book thats out in paperback now, rereleased called rattling the cage toward legal right force animals. Yes. Stephen youre on your web site here 2003 you said our goal is to breach the legal wall that separates all humans from all nonhuman animals. This case is just the beginning. This is the camels nose on the slap and the camel gets hab cross corpus too. Why should all animals have legal standing . They shouldnt. We arent say. Stephen all nonhuman animals, your words. I think youre twisting those words. laughter stephen i accurately quoted those words. What our goal is to breach the legal wall that separates all humans from all nonhuman animals. Thats right. Stephen again, you are taking mankind off of the top of the organizational chart if you allow animals to also have legal standing. Then my dog can sue to get on my couch. I didnt say your dog, i said your chimpanzee and your elephant and your. Stephen what do you have against my dog. No, i will give my card, you give the card to your dog. laughter applause stephen why is tommy in prison right now, what did he do . He was born a chimpanzee. And because hes a chimpanzee hes our slave. We can do whatever we want to him. And the folks that are keeping him are keeping him in the way you just saw. They are allowed to keep them in those kinds of conditions. We want to get them out. Stephen and what is your desire for tommy does to our legal system and the standing of mankind, and our primacy in our vision of 9 universe is just, just blechage on the way to your mad goal to release one chimp. A simple yes or no. laughter applause what is does is it shows that we can extend justice to wrefer there should be justice, whether we are dealing with a human or any other being. Stephen listen f tommy wants to have rights if tommy if tommy wants to have rights as a person he should form his own corporation. applause thank you so much cheers and applause Stephen Steven wise. The book is rattling the cage. Well be right back. [ male announcer ] haagendazs gelato. Inspired by italy and made like no other. In all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. water dripping and dont juspipes clanging ncisco. Visit tripadvisor san francisco. soothing sound of a shower with millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better. If it folds and flips, its breakfast. If its fresh brewed, its breakfast. Have breakfast for breakfast. The freshmade, from our kitchen. The egg white delight. Only from mcdonalds. So what are you having for breakfast . Stuart Stuart Stuart stuart check it out. This my account thing. We can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. Or we can select a time for them to call us back. The future, right . This doesnt do it for you . [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, thats what blows your mind the advanced technology of a doorbell. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. Introducing the xfinity my account app. cheers and applause thats it for the report, everybody. Thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time