cheers . Stephen okay. laughter there were a few upticks in violence, but for the most part, when we left the sunni and the shia were bronies. It was especially nice to see the return of the leader of the iraq pack, old dead eyes. He crawled out from under his undisclosed rock to point an icy finger of truth at barack obama. In an oped in what many are calling the wall street journal, cheney writes, rarely has a u. S. President been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many. Yes, rarely, maybe only one other time. laughter applause of course, the liberals, the liberals cheers , of course, the liberal media went right after him, especially left wing loon megyn kelly. Time and time again, history has proven that you got it wrong as well in iraq, sir. You said there was no doubt Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. You said we would be greeted as liberators. You said the iraq insurgency was in the last throes back in 2005. And you said that after our intervention extremists would have to rethink their strategy of jihad. Now with almost 1 trillion spent there, with 4500 american lives lost there, what do you say to those who say you were so wrong about so much at the expense of so many . No, i fundamentally disagree, reagan megyn. laughter applause stephen that was no mistake. As a true conservative, every sentence has to contain at least one reagan. laughter and he just fundamentally disagrees with reality. Its easy now to monday morning not invade iraq but dick cheney remembers how it felt at the time so right. Youve got to go back and look at the track record. We inherited a situation where there was no doubt in anybodys mind about the extent of saddams involvement in weapons of mass destruction. Stephen there was no doubt about the extent of saddams involvement in w. M. D. S, but we did the right thing and invaded anyway. Folks, it takes huevos ran cheerios to blame the outcomeave war you started on the man who ended it. In fact, id say those things hes swinging could be balls of mass destruction, which means we have no choice but to invade dick cheneys sack. cheers and applause . We have got satellite imagery of this mans nuts, and he is definitely hiding something down there, maybe aluminum tubes. I dont know. Now, for National Security reasons i cannot show them to you. Just trust me that the white powder in Colin Powells vial this time is gold bond. applause folks, you know me, i believe in three square meals a day. Thats why i only eat Graham Cracker and velveeta sandwiches. This is thought for food. cheers applause folks, when it comes to education, there is one crucial thing a child needs namebrand food products. You got every subject right there in the vending machine three musketeers thats english class. Bugles thats band. And aquafina pretty sure thats latin. But the Michelle Obama healthstapo is now cracking down on the marketing the lessnutritious foods in schools with new rules limiting how much fat, sugar, and sodium they contain, ingredients which are usually limited only by our imagination. laughter applause cheers laughter and, folks, this poses a particular threat to Dominos Pizza who have outlets in 3,000 schools in 38 states but theyve outsmarted the first lunch lady by introducing the dominos smart slice which has onethird less fat in the pepperoni, onethird less salt in the sauce, and cheese with half the fat so that it fits the new health standards. But dont worry, these changes dont sacrifice the usual dominos i want to say taste. laughter for example, school food must contain at least 50 whole grains. So 51 of the smart slice crust uses a whole wheat flour that is made to look and taste like its white flour and that sends a great message to our kids 51 is a passing grade. cheers applause best of all, best of all, dominos has no plans to sell the smart slice in shops. laughter which is why i want to Say Something no ones ever said to dominos before well done. Because you applause you, dominos, have the means and capability to craft a healthier pizza that looks and tastes like your normal product but you refuse to sell it to me. laughter you know that if im ordering dominos, i have zero interest in health. In fact, i might have a death wish. laughter finally by the way, its delicious. You should eat it. Finally, theres no question that when it comes to snacking, americas number one. We have the biggest gulps. We have the slimmest jims. Even our yuns are the funnest. But, folks, doritos, doritos has just kicked our snacking up a notch with three new mystery flavors identified only by the numbers 404, 855, and 2653. Finally, doritos is naming chips for the atomic numbers of their active ingredients. cheers and applause . All i know about these chips, all i know about these chips is that at some point during the manufacturing process they became jacked. Which, according to doritos, means theyre 40 bigger in size and thickness. You know its good food when the marketing sounds like spam for an estonian boner pill. Guess what, nation . applause if you dont want to take a chance on these chips, youre a coward. Because according to the doritos Vice President of marketing, there is nothing as bold as stepping into the unknown and crunch into an unknown mystery chip. Nothing as bold. We put a man on the moon. We harnessed the power of the atom. cheers and applause but never, never have we discovered anything that americans wont eat. laughter well, folks, i for one am up to the challenge of having my taste buds jack slapped by these chips, okay. cheers and applause there you go. First of all, i gotta say, i love the nondescript mirror packaging. Its a great way to see that, yeah, yeah, im the one eating this. laughter lets try some 855 right here. Mmmmmm. Hold on. Mmm. Okay. Im getting notes of salt. laughter that transitions into a salty flavor. Before finishing with just a hint of salt. laughter you know what . Im gonna finish that later. applause my one quibble my one quibble is i still know way too much about these chips. For example, theyre doritos. Who wants to get bogged down with all that information . Im trying to eat here, not read. Thats why tonight im swriewtion my own experimentally vague snack product put it in your mouth. cheers and applause each bag of put it in your mouth is packe packed with its conten. What are those . Eat some and tell us. Eat what you think you ate and you could win more of whatever that was. Look for it at your local grocers. Seriously, could you help us look for it because some of it has escaped from the lab. Introducing new Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider. Refreshingly sweet and intense. And bursting with a crisp apple bite. So try a Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow. Stuck in a contract . Switch to tmobile well pay your early termination fees so you can get the galaxy s 5 for 0 down right now start with the best writing experience. . Make it incredibly thin. Add an adjustable kickstand, a keyboard, a usb port, and the freedom of touch. And, of course, make it run microsoft office, with the power and speed to do real work. Introducing surface pro 3. The tablet that can replace your laptop. Stephen welcome back. Thank you so much. Nation, you know, you read the papers, you know that we americans live in an unprecedented era of communication technology, from tablets to smartphone to futuristic glasses that instantly send a message, im a douche. Now theres a new yap that has expanded the possibilities for communication by drastically reducing them. The new smartphone yap simply called yo, users connect with each other through the free yap and push one button to send the word yo to a contact. So far, 50,000 users have sent about four million yos. Stephen thats right, yo, an yap already hugely popular with the worlds population of sylvester stallone. Now, when i first learned about an yap that boiled down all your communication into two letters, i expressed myself in one. Why . applause but i joined cheers i joined the yoth movement when i read the Company Boasts it takes 11 taps to send the word yo on a rival messaging service compared to two on their yap. Thats a ninetap difference difference. Taps you could be spending with your children. laughter but the true beauty of only said yo is it says so much. As its developer puts it we like to calm cawl it coctbased messaging. You understand by the context what is said. Context is everything. In the old days if i texted someone the world yo, and i wanted them to know what it meant, i had to follow up with gurt. And yo is also good for business. For instance, an Ice Cream Truck can yo the kids around the corner. Engine getting a yo from the Ice Cream Truck, and parents can sign up to tell their kids to stay away from anyone with the user name theicecreamtruck. But why are they limiting this breakthrough to just our phones . I believe we can implement yos contextbased communication philosophy neferred life. Come on out, jay. Jay the intern, everybody. cheers and applause yo. Yo. Stephen yo. Yo. Stephen yo. Yo. Stephen yo. Yo. Stephen yoyoyoyo. Yo. Stephen yo yo. Yo. Yo. Stephen yo yo. laughter stephen yo. Yo, yo, yo cheers stephen yoyoyoyo. Woooah, what do you got there . Berry pomegranate mio. Do i just squirt a little . Or you can squirt a lot. Really changes your water. It changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. Squirt some. How can you see yourself in new glasswithout your glasses . At lenscrafters, our unique camera and screen system lets you compare yourself in four different frames at time. Making sure all your vision choices are clear. Lenscrafters loves eyes it takes place in anhaha, cleveland. I love it babe. Im not your babe. You werent saying that this morning, when youre like. Mmmmm mmmm mmm alright were done. Break up with lingering food. ding mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling. Eat, drink, chew orbit the summer that summers from here on will be compared to. So get out there, and get the best price guaranteed. Find it for less and well match it and give you 50 toward your next trip. Expedia. Find yours. Hey you wont believe how much good stuff is in the pizza hut dinner box and you wont believe the price. T a pizza, 5 breadsticks, and 10 cinnamon sticks thats 17 bucks worth of food for 8. 99 when you carry out. But ycan believe it, because im telling you its true. And im a celebrity when cold refreshment calls. Coors light answers. Anybody else frost brewed coors light. The worlds most refreshing beer. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight spent the last three years fielding reporters questions. To make him feel at home, i wont believe a word hes saying. Please welcome jay carney cheers and applause hey, jay, thank you for coming on. All right. Uh, uh, jay. Stephen. Stephen stephen colbert, the colbert report. I have a 12part question. Jay, are you going to answer any of my questions today . Ill say a lot. Stephen youll say a lot . All right. Are you still working for the white house officially right now . I have another 24 hours as White House Press secretary, so stephen okay, good. cheers and applause . So i can still maintain a healthy contempt for you. Because as soon as youre not working for that guy, you know im going to like you. Well i hope so. Stephen what are you going to do . First of all, why are you quitting, you quitter . Could you not take it . I got an email from somebody calling me a quitter. Stephen you are a quitter, quitter. Man up. Theres a war about to start in iraq again. Come on. Dont you want to answer those questions . You know, i got an email earlier this year from someone who said,un, youre the longest serving White House Press secretary since the mid90s. And i chebd, and its true. I didnt quite realize that it was such a highburnout job. Because i im a glutton for punishment, and i actually like it. Stephen really . I love it, and i like theres nothing better, i find, than really contentious briefing to make my day. laughter . Stephen well, youve had a few. Ive had a few. Stephen do they tellue are you having a meeting before you go out there saying, remember, this is going to be the subject, lets all it might be, this is how the president feels or this is the administrations policy. Or do you some days go out there and say, im going to wing this and try not to start an International Incident . There is a danger that as youve done it for a while, you begin to think you dont need to actually stephen im kind of the president. Im kind of the president. cheers and applause you know what i mean . You feel like, hey, the cameras pointed at me. I must be the man. Make some policy today. No, what you realize is that when you speak for the president and the white house and the united states, you have to be careful. And you you could inadvertently cause a crisis or a misunderstanding between our nation and another nation. So we did spend a we do spend a lot of time before briefings, going over what is the new development or what new are we saying about a crisis overseas or at home. Stephen whats the biggest mistake you ever made . Where did you really shank it . Biggest regret like, i shouldnt have said that. My biggest regret is occasionally i took the bait. And when youre at the podium, youre a little above everybody else stephen ive stood up there. Its a heady feeling. And you can, you know, dictate a little bit how the Briefing Goes by calling on the next person. Seats easy to win an exchange. When somebodys getting ride up and filled with sometimes saying stephen come ojay exactly. Stephen you didnt answer the question and if theyre really obnoxious and you get a little rattled and you sort of engage, you finish the exchange thinking i won that. I killed. And then you look at it later on tv, and you realize that nobody actually sees the whole exchange. They just see you wagging your finger or, you know, looking like a jerk. And thats not good for the president. So those are the i didnt do that often. But when i did stephen it was to Jonathan Carl of abc news. laughter . It could have been. We had our moments. Stephen you two had your tense moments. Now, why dont you guys just get a room. Becausa laughter . You know, he and others in that room are doing their jobs. Stephen a job you did. I used to do it. I did it a little differently because i was working stephen because youre better than they are, right . A little bit differently. Thank you for saying that but i was a Time Magazine reporter back when it was a weekly magazine. When i covered clinton and george w. Bush, before there was that need, even at the magazines, to sort of, you know, fill the news hole every minute, every hour of every day. Stephen i believe request the Time Magazine has changed its name to the news hole. laughter . So what that meant was i didnt engage in that kind of backandforth very often with the press secretary. But those folks are doing their job. Sometimes i think that the fact that the briefing is televised in its entirety, something that mike mccurry back in the 90s under clinton has said yes to and apologized to every successive press secretary, creates a theatericality to it and some sort of, you know, righteous indignation. People pose and they want to hear themselves talk or they want to create moments, creating some drama. Stephen and sometimes shut the bleep up. laughter applause did you ever did you ever did you ever oh, did i want stephen hey, hey, guys ive got a question for you. Why dont you bite me. You know, yesterday i had my last briefing from the podium and i thought about it. laughter stephen when you were growing up, did you want to be a press secretary . Did you have a poster of trumans press secretary . The vest. The flak jacket. Its not a very impressive flak jacket. Stephen are you allowed to tell what note you left or is that a secret . You leave a note, right . Im going to write one tomorrow for josh earnest who has been a fantastic deputy and will be a stephen ive already said this to you, but what a name for press secretary. Josh earnest. His name means just kidding but seriously. Thank you. White House Press Secretary jay carney for 24 more hours. Well be right back. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of whatever, usa. People of america, whatever, usa is a real town that bud light is taking over for the summer. Just like youre watching on your real tv with your real eyeballs, you can go, for real find out how at upforwhatever. Com. Most 100calorie yogurts are made with artificial ingredients and sweeteners. But here at chobani, we make the only one thats made with 100 natural ingredients. You know a cup of yogurt wont change the world, but how we make it might. Chobani simply 100. How matters. Mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaa what . get some while you still can. Here this summer. Gone this summer. cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good n captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. 8 captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a a show for you tonight. My guest tonight, the former iraq ambassador to the united nations, hamid albayati, will be on the show tonight, author of the book from dictatorship to democracy, which i imagine for the paperback there will always probably be an addendum, depending on where it goes next. But first, you know, som