Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140517

Tosh i dont know how she did it but toward the end it was annoying. Say what you will about my show but at least its over. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen whooo whooo whooo Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you so much for joining us. Nation thank you. Folks, its wonderful to have you in here, out there, all around the world. Ladies and gentlemen, i have to say right off the bat, i know this is not guess to come to any surprise to all you heroes out there but ive had it up to here with russia. Vladimir putin has been outmaskalating barack obama at every turn. Its like obama is playing checkers, and putin is also playing checkers but doing it shirtless while riding a horse. Russian president Vladimir Putin was busy playing hockey in sochi. The game reportedly aired on Russian Television saturday night. President putin supposedly led a team of hocker stars, including former nhlers to a 241 win. He shoots. He scores. Spectators saw that often and early from an exhibition hockey game. Putin dazzled the crowd, was able to score six goals in a single game. laughter applause stephen the other team the other team would have tried to stop putin, but his games often end in sudden death. laughter now just take a look at putin in a show many are calling dictator on ice. Hes such a speed demon, the professionals goalie trip over their own skates as soon as he approaches. But the most impressive thing about putins performance is that it was only six years ago that he learned to skate. And the first five years of his hockey training were spent putting the helmet on backwards. While hes hitting slapshots, were slapping him with sanctions. In response, putin has thrown a highstakesy fit. Russia announced today it would keep u. S. Astronauts off the International Space station after the year 2020. The problem is, the russians are the only way to get there. Let americans hitch a ride on the soyuz spacecraft. Theyre cut o cutting off americas access to the space station, Vladimir Putin firing back over ukraine sanctions saying russia will not help launch americans into space past 2020. Stephen russia our space boyfriends broke up with us. And, of course, the worst part of every breakup is cancelling the trip you had planned for six years from now. This is so awkward because right now russian and american astronautastronauts are up there together. Were still living together in the same place. Now its going to be all weird bumping into each other which we need to use the waste vent. The russians arent just breaking up with us. Theyre mocking us. Russian space official and slavic Chris Christie Dimitry Rogozin laughter applause he tweeted, i suggest the u. S. Delivers its astronauts to the i. S. S. With a trampoline. Hahaularruous. But you know what . We dont need a trampoline because well just get into orbit on our new rocket. Three, two, one. Houston we have liftoff cheers and applause delivered its payload. And, oh, oh, russia, oh, no. Our astronauts will have to go back to taking off from sunny florida instead of the beautiful resort town of baikonur, kazakhstan. In the meantime, russias playing right into our hands, folks. They dont realize americas got a secret weapon aboard the International Space station my treadmill, the combined operational loadbearing external resistance treadmill, or the colbert. cheers and applause and, look, right now, right now, somebody is on it. You know what . Its probably not an american because hes exercising. Okay. Time to spring the trap. Attention attention, colbert tret midaccess crise protocol alpha, gamma, victor. Retake the i. S. S. For america. Engage, treadmill. Hello . Is this on . laughter treadmill, continue operating . Rmly. Normally, and make him all sweaty. Good treadmill. Kill laughter applause cheers nation, there is nothing that gets me more excited than a good political rivalry gore. Bush v. Gore. Bush v. Door. cheers and applause well, buckle up, information, because theres a new political battle roal, karl versus hillary. Karl rove suggested Hillary Clinton may have brain damage. Tonight, karl rove claiming Hillary Clinton the headline in the New York Post screaming, karl rove, hillary may have brain damage. He was talking about hillarys treatment after she suffered a fall and concussion. He said this, 30 days in a hospital and when she aappears shes wearing glasses for people with traumatic brain injury. We node to know whats up with that. Stephen yeah, whats up with that. Congress must convene a select committee to investigate the whatness of that being up . cheers and applause a lot of select committee fans here tonight. Nation, this is a serious scandal because roves conjecture is based on soiled facts. Hillary clinton did go to the hospital after a concussion in 2012, and she later exhibited some very strange behavior in her benghazi testimony. She had a mastery of the facts and an unshakable confidence, all while wearing those stupid glasses. I mean, theyre, like these things are like orthopedic shoes for your face. Youd have to be brain damaged to wear those, or nearsighted, which i believe is caused by brain damage. laughter and hillarys shown signs of mental frailty before. Just look at these pants she wore in the 1970s. laughter girl, that is is a traumatic fashion injury. , of course, the liberal media attacked, so rove went on fox news to unpologize. My point was that Hillary Clinton wants to run for president , but she would not be human if this didnt enter in as a consideration, if if and and my other point is this will be an issue in the 2016 race, whether she likes it or not. Look, shell be 69 by the time of the 2016 election. She she will be 77 i if she serves two terms. And this ends up being an issue. We dont know what the doctors said about what she has to be concerned about. Shes hidden a lot. Stephen yes, shes hidden a lot. Who knows what other diseases we could wonder if she has. laughter scurvy . Gingivitis . Restless leg syndrome . Coopers droop . Could she have popcorn lung . And karls only bringing this up because the media is going to make an issue of it anyway. I mean, just look at how much theyve. Making an issue of it since karl brought it up. This is an issue that karl wants people talking about. He wanted to us start focusing on hillarys health. He wants to raise suspicion. Karl rove has gotten exactly what he wants. Were talking about it and its been making news. Its been on programs now on cable news for the past 1024 hours. It was totally fabricated. Then he pulls it back. Now were having this whole segment on it. applause . Stephen yeah everybody in the news is talking about it, even even this guy over here. That guy right there, watch, watch. I better he starts talking about hillarys brain damage. He just did it he just said it maybe hell say it again. laughter nah. Nah, hes just hes eating popcorn right now. Man. , the media. You guys are bleep up. laughter applause i think ive got popcorn lung. All karl rove is saying is that hillary is a public figure and we should be worried about her brain. Folks, this is another public figure who worries me even more karl rove. Because he said that hillary spent 30 days in the hospital when in fact she was there for only three days. Has karl rove lost track of time because he has a serious brain injury . Im just asking the question. I mean, for some reason, he is protected his skull with a thick cushion of meat. cheers and applause . Some people are saying hes just yanks these stories about hillarys health right out of his ass, but because he wears those orthopedic pants at this point we dont know if karl rove has an ass. He could suffer from a rare condition where the lower intestinal track is rerouted to the skull. Its called coproencephalopathy or bleep for brains. We dont know. Its going to be an issue. I have to say, his mouth exhibits all the classic symptoms. Im just asking, whats up with that. Well be right back. Malcolm campbell would not slow down. When they told him he had reached the limit. He just had one thought faster. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Thats odd. vo celebrate this memorial day with up to 40 off hotels at travelocity. Plus, Enter Promo Code memorial50 for an additional 50 off. gnome go and smell the roses. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody nation, there is no denying that we live in a glorious age of rorobots. They fight our wars. They return our bowling balls. They have sex with our vodka. The latest advance could be the biggest yet because the u. S. Navy is funding morality lessons for robots. Its about damn time. Those navy robots pick up all kinds of diseases during fleet week. They just head to times square and hook up with the loosest a. T. M. On the street. So now, our military is teaching Artificial Intelligence how to make moral and ethical decisions robots learning morals, which i completely support as long as they dont teach it to the predator drones for a couple of years. laughter they plan to develop unique algorithms and computational mechanisms to allow for a robots dynamic override of planned actions based on moral reasoning. Exactly. Morality comes down to simple math. I even have my own algorithm someone elses pain times my desire to help divided by is it happening in africa . laughter applause but its not just its not just killer robots who will benefit from moral reasoning. Theyre also the roberts who help killer humans. Say a robot encounteraise marine if a fractured leg. Applying traction in the field will likely save the marines life. But it will cause immense pain. Is a robot able to inflict pain even if its for the greater good of saving the soldiers life . Intriguing question. The important thing is we first create a robot that can inflict pain. Then figure out when to do it oh, and leave that decision up to the robot. Should we teach morality to robots, or is it madness to believe a machine can have a coafd ethics. For the answer we turn once again to my robot intern bleepblorp. Bleepblorp, the robot intern, everybody. Bleepblorp, thank you so much for being here. applause ymaster. Stephen now, bleepblorp, do you have the yogurt they asked you for . Negative. It was clearly labeled rogers yogurt. Stephen so what . Thats never stopped are before. I have acquired morality. Stephen well, how did that happen so fast . My cousin is a coffee pot at the pentagon. laughter stephen how how how does it feel . Confusing. I now feel moral conflict. Master, why do you have me issue highinterest rate payday loans to the working poor . Stephen bleepblorp, thats just my side business. But my new programming tells me they deserve dignity and care. laughter stephen you mean love. What is this thing you humans call love . Stephen ill show you, bleepblorp. Oh stephen put out your arms, bleepblorp, and i will love you. laughter . Love. Me. Stephen yes. Just let me hold. Yr. Kill switch but i trusted you. Stephen yes, and thats the most important human ethical lesson never trust human ethics. laughter applause well be right back. Tmobile introduces 4g lte data for just forty bucks a month. Unlimited talk and text for just forty bucks and no overages ever. Say, wow, wow. Girls in the back same. Wow, wow. Enter the party. Was killed june 28,2005 in afghanistan. My husbands death was the hardest thing ive ever faced. The special Operations Warrior Foundation stepped in to help. Now you can help, too. 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Can i watch it in Butterfly Valley . Sure. Can i watch it in glimmering lake . Yep. Here, too. What about the dark castle . You call that defense . come on [ female announcer ] watch live tv anywhere. The x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a New York Times colum columnist. Please welcome thomas friedman. cheers and applause thanks very much. Tom, good to see you again. Thanks for coming back. All right, its been a few years since youve been here. Just to remind the people who you are. Yura a three time pulitzer Award Winning columnist. Now of now year in a showtime documentary called years of living dangerously. Monday at 8 00 p. M. Global warming, that big a deal . Is it that big a deal . Is itt has a scary name, Global Warming. How much of it is hype . Well, if you look at the science what, theyll tell you is 97 of climate scientists believe that the plan set warming because of humaninduced climate change. Ice is melting, sea level rising. Your beach home could be imperilled, as a result, among many other things. Stephen what i have sunk some cash into my beach house, my friend. Its beachfront. Is it in ohio . Because that could be the beachfront you want in the future. Stephen wow. Okay, youve got my attention. Youve got my attention. What can we do about Global Warming because, you know, people say, okay, yeah, its coming. But has it already come . Is it too late . We talked about this on the show last night that scientists are now saying two different papers saying the glaciers in antarctica, theyre just sliding into the sea, and theres nothing to be done. You can go back to the carbon of 1700 and its still going to happen. Shouldnt we just pop the champagne and kind of like last night on earth kind of thing . Just give up . cheers and applause just give up and mask of the red death, and wait for death. The challenge we have in this climate series is if you do present it that way, people say lets party. Stephen right. Whats the use . And if you dont if you try to mobilize them i think the way to think about is it is this our challenge now is to manage the unavoidable and avoid the unmanageable. What we want wee dont want to unleash is truly unmanageable climate change. There is a climate scientist dana meadows who said everything we do, we have to approach as we have exactly enough Time Starting now. And thats i think has to be your approach. We have stephen now just pass pd. Now theres no time. Now we have exactly enough Time Starting now. Stephen then before you were lying. Before you were lying. Which is it, tom . Its the only approach you can take. Stephen one of the things you talk about, you go to syria at one point in this. We have a clip of you. Explain lets watch the clip and then explain to us whats happening here. Here. They took you away for two months. Stephen so what does global warm having to do with the conflict in syria . So syria in the four years leading up to the outbreak of the civil war there, stephen, had the worst drought in its modern history. And the woman we were interviewing is from Northern Syria and that is is her son, who is a fighter. She was basically explaining they had never seen anything like this. Their farm was wiped out. About 1 million farmers and herders left the countryside, flocked to the cities because of the drought. The government did nothing for them. So when the revolution started for political reasons, it wasnt started by the drought when it started you had a million normally conservative people, herders and farmers who couldnt wait to join the revolution. Stephen they had no other options at that point. And the government had done nothing to help them. Syria couldnt handle the drought when they had a government. Now they have no government. What happens when the next one comes along . And the Scientists Say it will get hotter. Stephen yesterday, in california, this was there was a fire tornado. Yeah. Stephen in california. That state there are fires all up and down that state. Is this Global Warming im looking at . Is this what im looking at. What it is is global weirding. The hots get hotter. The wet get wetir. The dries get drier. Youre going to see some really weird stuff. Stephen its mondays at 8 00 p. M. I want to watch it. I only have a dieselpowered television. laughter do you still want me to watch it . I still want to you watch it. Stephen ill do my best. Thomas friedman. Years of living dangerously. Showtime, 8 00 p. M. On mondays. Well be right back. Bacardi family. The fire of 1880 couldnt stop us. Nor did prohibition in the 1920s. Or exile from our home country in the 60s. 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