Of a favorite food . Or did we just lose it in our folds. And my guest is kentucky basketball coach John Calipari, damn, i had the coach from duke in my bracket. Market analysts say that ipad fever is cooling. Meanwhile kindle dysentery still runs rampant. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen hell yea , boom, right there, oh yeah, welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you. cheers and applause stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. Thank you so much. Please, please, sit down, folks, in here and if anybody at home is standing up take a squat, folks, you watch this show. You know i love numbered lists. One, two, three. I could go on. The main reason i love them is because america is always at the top. We are number one in billionaires, worker productivity, and percentage of population behind bars. cheers and applause stephen yes. Hell yeah eat that rwanda. But sadly i may be falling out of love with lists. Heres the number one reason why. Hello, canada, are you number one. Thats the finding at a new report canadas middle class passing america. For the first time as the most affluent in the world. In canada average income workers have enjoyed a nearly 20 raise since 2000. But here in the u. S. Middle class workers wages have been virtually flat for 14 years. The u. S. Has now been surpassed by the middle class in canada. Yes, canadas middle class is beating ours. Their workers are bringing home more of the bacon. And worse, its that round [bleep] laughter no longer will people around the world aspire to the American Dream of a house, a white picket fence, 2. 5 kids. No, now its the canadian dream of a beaver dam, a maple syrup moat and 2. 5 members of rush. I dont know about you, but i dont want to teach geddy lee to play catch. How is canadas middle class doing so well . I mean theyve got socialized medicine, subsidized child care and high taxes for the rich. I mean it politely boggles the mind. laughter i think there are only two possible reasons why we are falling behind the ice hold. One, one possible reason, americas middle class is lazy. Or two, america doesnt have enough tax cuts for the wealthy. Im going to go with that one, okay. Just think about it, folks. How can we reach trickle down prosperity to everyone else unless we have all the money first. Our coppette must filleth before it runneth over. Clearly congress hath sunday estimateth the size of my cupeth. But i dont want to lose your faith in supplyside economics. Because the top 1 are like a slot machine. Were all warmed up and just about to pay off, okay. Just keep shoving in those quarters. I dont even care where you put them. Just warm them up first. Now nation, im a diehard sports fan. In that if none of the diehard movies are on, i will watch sports. This is the sport report. cheers and applause nation, i have warned you about the dangers of unionizing college sports. Last month Northwestern UniversityFootball Players were allowed to form a union. What idiot taught them to Work Together toward a common goal . And ever since collegiate lets have been griping, like Shabazz Napier, star point guard of the Champion Uconn huskies. At the end of the day that doesnt cover everything. We do have hungry nights that we dont have enough money to get food. I dont think, you know, student athletes should get hundreds of thousands of dollars. Like i said there are hungry nights that i go to bed and im starving. Stephen oh, that is wrong. What are you doing going to bed . You should be practicing. You got time to lay down, you got time to lay up. Sadly, folks, the ncaa heard his starved ramblings and crumbled faster than an underfed point guard. The ncaa has announced collegiate lets can now receive unlimited meals and snacks. The new rule applies to both scholarship athletes and walkons. Stephen unlimited meals and snacks. I mean who do these players think they are, basketball fans . laughter collegiate lets need to stay hungry t motivates them to win championships. So that during the gatorade dump they can suck electrolytes off the coachs windbreaker. And i know, the only reason Football Players strife to make the tostitoes bowl is out of hope it is an actual bowl of tostitoes. Worst of all, these free snacks violate the number one rule of sports. Only winners get ice cream. Losers have their own prize, a silent car ride home with dad. laughter if you ares so hungry, mister, eat the tension. Next up on the sport report, cockfighting. Folks, i love the sweet and sour science, the sport of chicken a la king. Cock fighting is like mixed martial arts meets kfcs mixed grill bucket. Unfortunately for cocenthusiasts like myself, i have some bad cockadoodle news. Because theres a new anticockfighting bill in louisiana that has state senator Elbert Guillory crying you will fowl saying this bill is for the birds and its really ruffled his feathers. Drum sticks. The state senator says the bill threatens a sport he calls chicken boxing. Senator elbert calls chicken boxing a legitimate sport. Guillory says chicken boxing is similar to human box, that the matches are not fought to the death. Stephen yes, chicken boxing, its just like human boxing except when its over the chickens have better shortterm memory. And folks, it is perfectly safe. Senators guillory explained that the chickens can engage in their sport without hurting each other. They put little boxing gloves on them and they fight in rounds so they can get water and cool off. If theyre hot they get water and if theyre losing they get olive oil, salt and pepper and a squeeze of lemon. Plus chicken boxing has strict rules like each combatant shall wear standard fowl safety boxing gear. Yes, just your standard fowl safety boxing gear. Just check the poultry counter at the sports authority. Personally i do hope that includes a mouth guard because i have seen too many chickens without any teeth. Sadly, folks, the Louisiana Senate has rejected this reasonable chicken boxing amendment. But i want to salute guillory for trying to keep Big Government out of our chicken sporting events. Because where does it end . First its cockfighting, now chicken boxing, am i going to have to close my chicken dojo . laughter whats next, no more poul trie jousting . You tell me, Louisiana Senate, what manner of chicken combat shall your law allow . Just tell us the way we can have chickens attack each other for our amusement and we will do it. And dont you dare say chicken nascar. Because sure they can work the gas pedal but they dont know how to shift and theyre always burning out the transmission. So please, i beg you, legalize chicken boxing. And make no mistake this is not about humans watching birds pummel each other. Its about helping the chickens. Boxing gives them a path in life, a one way ticket out of pa lookaville. So that none of them has to turn to their older brother one day and say it was you, charlie. I could have had class. I could have been somebody. I could have been a chicken tender. cheers and applause well be right bam. Back. This is smith forge hard cider. Its like jacob here. Strong. Sturdy. [ shouts ] but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Come on, jacob built to refresh. Throw it to me smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Ohhh made strong. What does that do . Not sure, but it looks awesome. We heat the room to 110 degrees. Huh . Shes fine. On your right what did you get . No clue, but its jacked with protein. Wow in a world filled with fads, its nice to get back to basics. Seriously dude . Meat, cheese and nuts . Seriously. New p3 portable protein pack. Its 13 grams of serious protein, without taking itself too seriously. Its the original protein. Its oscar mayer. Ythan sneezing and itchy eyes. They also bring tough nasal congestion. So you need claritind. It combines the leading nondrowsy antihistamine with a powerful decongestant all in one pill. So blow away nasal congestion fast with claritind. Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, you know, i am not one usually to get worked up about dwindling resources because im adaptable. If we get low on spotted owls ill start making my sandwiches with snowy egrits. I mean once theyre breaded they all taste like panda. But america is now facing a devastating shortage of one vital natural resource. There is a major lime shortage. We have a lime shortage on our hands. Lime shortage. Lime shortage. Lime shortage. Stephen lime shortage that means no more margaritas, no mo hitoes, thankfully our bud lite lime is safe because it is flavored with grade pugins. Even worse damn we should have one. Even worse, well have to find a new source of tiny cat helmets. Apparently, apparently there is a bacteria disease killing citrus trees called huonglonbing which to be absolutely clear is not the name of my new asian character. No. But im afraid there is an even more sinister threat to our lime industrial chrex. It all goes back to our neighbors to the south. The michoacan is mexicos top lime producer. And thats where we get most of our limes from. For the past few months. Violence between drug cartels in michoacan has wrecked havoc on the lemon and lime industry, some cartels sealing a half Million Dollars worth of limes. Stephen what is this world coming to when murderous mexican drug cartels are peddling limes. Thats like whal kerr walter white stopping cooking meth and cooking gluten free banana bread. Okay. Stephen the drug cartels put hugh money guess taxes on farmers or just kill the farmers and take over lime production themselves. So move over blood oranges there say new conflict citrus. And thats not the only victim of this lime crime. The Orange County register is reporting a case of limes is selling for 105. Thats up from just 20 a few weeks ago. Last year a lime was less than a quarter. Now will you pay about 53 cents. Stephen 53 cents for a lime . Now youre talking tangelo money. laughter so in response to the economic havoc caused by the cartel some people are doing the unthinkable. In some cases restaurants are already choosing to make mixed drinks and even guacamole with lemons instead of lime. Stephen lemons in my guac . Im sorry, but i would rather have my head chopped off and stuffed in a duff el bag. Folks, this crisis hits home for me because we are coming up on begin gin and tonic season. I cannot even think about having a g and t without lime, look at that putting that picture up makes my handshake. And i, i would like to believe thats because of lime withdrawal. Folks, in my desperation, i have had no choice but to resort to blackmar receipt market citrus, jay the intern come on out here. Jay the intern, everybody. applause hey, stephen. Stephen no names, jay. You just called me jay. Stephen no, your code name is now the letter j. Got it. Stephen okay. So youre just back from mexico. Have you got the product. Yes, but i could only fit two. Stephen two . What kind of lime mule are you . Okay, fine. Hand them over. I havent yet arrived. laughter stephen whats the holdup, j . Sorry, theres a backlog at the port. laughter stephen okay, fine, then take this crossword puzzle and dont come out until happy hour. Oh, oh, oh, oh, and j, in a related story, theres a looming grapefruit shortage. J, the intern, everybody, j, the intern, everybody, well be right back. The original 96 calorie pilsner and that changed everything this led to people counting calories which led to counting carbs which led to counting crunches which led to 8 minute abs which led to 7 minute abs which led to ab masters thigh masters and butt masters which led to the realization that the best place to get a 6 pack is the liquor store miller lite we invented lite beer and the perfect six pack youre welcome its built to be as fast o as it is strongadvil. And fights pain at the site of inflammation. And made for people like paul, who believe nothing should stop you from achieving your goals. Not doubt. Not fear. And definitely not back and shoulder pain. Advil has the strength and speed to help you move past pain and make today yours. Advil. Make today yours. Ill have a marvelous choice. Rtini. How exactly does one deconstruct a martini . First we start with the essentials, of course smirnoff and ice. You know were muddling some cardamom. I like to really curate my herbs. No. I do not like the way those leaves are resting. And. Voila smirnoff. For the perfect martini, vodka tonic and whatever that is. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Stephen welcome barks my guest sana claimed College Basketball coach. Please welcome John Calipari cheers and applause coach, how are you . Doing good. Stephen thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Stephen now Everybody Knows youre the head coach at the university of kentucky, mens basketball team, led one to a national championship, helped 29 players make it to the nba and you have a new book here called players first, coaching from the inside out. Players first . Dont we have to start with the coach . laughter you put the youre being too humble, sir, you put the team together. Without you its just five tall guys staring at their shoes. Why players first . Well, youre trying to bring a team together. Youre trying to teach them servant leadership. Stephen what the hell is that . Well, sorry. Stephen youre either a certificate van or youre a leader. The leader leads the servants. Youre trying to make them understand its more about the other guys than themselves. Worry pore about your teammate than yourself. Stephen what are you talking about. Give me the ball, im shooting. An if you do that, the only way theyll do that is if they know i have their back and i make it about them, not about me, not about me its about me and our staff and all of us being there for you. Stephen what do you do . Youre criticized sometimes for having a lot of one and done guys wa, does that mean, one and done and cannot be cured with viagra, what is that . My, i dont like the connotation one and done. We say succeed and proceed. When theyre ready to move on. Stephen it also rhymes so it must be true. To not bad. But the whole issue for me is if theyre ready f they have a genius and their genius is basketball, their athleticism and are ready to move on and take advantage, like steve jobs, like bill gates or tiger woods or. Stephen none of those guys played basketball. But theyre all able to use their genius and not finish college and move on and do special things. Stephen okay, okay, okay. Do you think it should be one and done, do you think players should stay more than a year . I would like them to stay two, but again, theres genius dictates, is it time to go. Right now we have two players on this team decide theyre going to the nba, james young and julyiance randall, two great kids, great students, great basketball players. But its time for them to move on. Were waiting to hear for a couple of others. A bunch of our guys said they are coming back. For the first time i have had a couple guys come back, by the way. Stephen for the first time. Yes, they all leave. Stephen what is it about your leadership that makes people want to leave. I think they done like me. And i always say that. The other coach, do they like the other coach more than they like me . They you will a stay but pie guys all leave, i dont understand. Stephen now if you could get them to stay for two years this might help you. Here is another rhyme, two and tootaloo, all right . I can get a little taste of that in case that works out. Well, i would let you know how it does. Stephen i will see new court. All right. Stephen do you think that players, weapon talked about the unionization of college platers with Shabazz Napier said at uconn. Do you think players should get paid . Well, first of all, they talk about unions, unions arent necessary if you treat people with dignity and treat them fair. Thats one. When you talk about pay, its a cost of attendance. For a young man or a young woman to be on a college campus, to be on scholarship, but not be able to live the same lives as everybody else on the campus is a tough deal. So the cost of that attendance which changes from school to school. Stephen so do we pay them . You give them a cost of attendance, yes. Stephen and that is paid in what, chestnuts and rabbit pelts, what . Do we give them money, the green stuff. You would give them that stipend which does not make them professional. Stephen uhhuh. That is. Stephen does it have pictures of president s on it . Im not letting you go on this one. It could be in hundreds, quarters, it could be in a check, yes. Stephen okay, good, how much do we give these guys, you just opened up a can of worms, my friend. If you why not just give them like a snickers bar if theyre hungry. Isnt that enough, because youre not yourself when youre hungry. We werent allowed to give them snickers bar. We werent allowed to give them anything except a bagel and if we put Peanut Butter or jelly on or cream cheese on the bagel, we were going to jail. Stephen wait a second, you could give players a bagel but not cream cheese. Right. Stephen well, because that is how you get a slippery slope is by putting cream chaes on the slope, it leads to lox, maybe thin sliced onion, capers. Its ridiculous. And they changed that rule. It hadnt been passed yet but they say unfettered food. Now we can feed them six times a day or five times a day, whatever an athlete needs. Stephen how about they can eatness we can feed them sounds like theres a trough. You are just pouring time to feed them. Everybody down. I saw you on with my hero bill o reilly, okay. And i will ask you the same question. What are we going do with the young men with the rap and hiphop an chains and tattoo approximates . What are we going to do about these guys . What can we do to control them . It isnt these young people have not changed. Stephen but they have the hiphop and the rap and the change and the tattoos. Its music has changed but the clutter has changed around them. Smotiondia and all those things. We just have to keep educating, keep leading and i dont think. Stephen tell them to knock off the hiphop, and rap and tattoos, right. You have to tell them to knock it off. I my son listening to the same thing and i turn off when i get in the car but elise ens to it i dont think its made him any worse. Stephen you know what i think those kids should do . Read this book. John, thank you so much for joining me, John Calipari, the book is players first. cheers and applause stephen well be right back. Well pay your early termination fees. So you can get the new galaxy s5 for 0 down. Thbut sometimes you whget a whole lot more like six irresistible tastes for just 99 cents each at wendys where you always get more delicious for your dollar. Now thats better. S thattee it