He must have joined msnbc as the wit protection program. This is the the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you for joining us audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us audience chanting cheers and applause stephen nation, its been three weeks since Vladimir Putin annexed crimea and president obama still refuses to intervene. We have got to invade before putins slave army vanquishes all of europe on his way to westoros. Full disclosure i may have been flipping between fox news and game of thrones the other night, but i still say, putin has dragons laughter its believable. Now, you may say, stephen, americans have no vested interest here because, according to a New Washington post poll, only one out of six americans can find ukraine on a map, although two found waldo. But the same exact poll found the less americans know about ukraines location, the more they want the u. S. To intervene. Damn straight this is america we dont need to know where a country is to send troops there. Yeah cheers and applause i mean, eventually, you want to check google maps, but after you give the order. Besides, why dont i know where that country is . What is it hiding . In fact, there are plenty of places id like to invade for not knowing where they are paraguay, uzbekistan, wherever the hell my keys are. See, folks, i believe in democracy, especially when it comes to geography. The ukraine is wherever the American People say it is. And according to this poll, americans say its everywhere applause all those jobs are guesses where it is, okay . Evidently, theres some ukraine in greenland, a bit of ukraine in africa, theres even some ukraine in the indian ocean. Which is the only ukraine cnn is willing to cover right now. Most alarming, theres some ukraine in iowa, which means its only a matter of time before putin invades and then wins the g. O. P. Straw poll with dragons laughter goodbye, pen. I dont care what anybody says, you cannot trust maps. Theyre always changing their story. One day its pangea, 300 million years later its Something Else. Cmon make up your mind is alaska up here . Or is it tucked under arizona next to hawaii . laughter i went to the iditarod last year and packed nothing but a speedo. So, bravo, American People. Its great to see that the less you know about the ukraine crisis, the more youre willing to use military force. So ill do my part and go back to not covering it. applause folks, the c. I. A. No longer has an enhanced Interrogation Program. And we know that because weve been assured of it by the people who said we never had one. Some people still whine about it, but like a detainee in a stress position, these critics dont have a leg to stand on. Because enhanced interrogation worked. The steps we took, including, i think, things like enhanced interrogation techniques, made it possible for us ultimately to provide the intelligence that was required to take down bin laden. If youre going to say that we should not have conducted the enhanced Interrogation Program, youve got to be willing to say how Many American lives would you have been willing to put at risk because you didnt want to waterboard Khalid Sheikh mohammed. Anybody who has seen oh dark thirty, knows that there are pretty good arguments that those interrogations gave us a lot of intelligence information. Stephen that underinflated macys balloon is right. laughter anyone whos seen oh dark thirty as no one calls it knows that torture gave us a lot of intelligence information that led directly to bin laden. The same way anyone whos seen forrest gump snows the vietnam war led directly to bubba gumps shrimp shack mac and cheese laughter learn your history. cheers and applause but last week news leaked of a Senate IntelligenceCommittee Report that is highly critical of the Interrogation Program. One official summarized the report, saying the c. I. A. Described its program. As getting unique, otherwise unobtainable intelligence that helped disrupt terrorist plots and save thousands of lives. Was that actually true . The answer is no. How many bleep do i give . The answer is none. Because we did learn valuable information from this program. We learned that the United States is willing to torture people. I did not know that former c. I. A. Director and grownup paranoid charlie brown, Michael Hayden defended the program on fox news sunday, saying that torture wasnt just about getting the facts. The report says that information about bin ladens courier came from a detainee while he was being questioned by kurds in Northern Iraq long before he was taken to a cia prison and given enhanced interrogation. Chris, i am aware that simply learning a fact is not the same thing as learning the importance of that fact. Stephen exactly, the c. I. A. May have already known the name of bin ladens courier, but that information didnt sound important until it was being screamed through a wet rag. laughter point is. What was the point . Director panetta, when asked by the congress to comment on did the Interrogation Program help with getting us to abbotabad, said very clearly that that information was part of the information, part of the intelligence stream that led to the killing of Osama Bin Laden at abbotabad. Director panetta went on to say, and well never know whether or not we may have gotten that information through another way, but he did not deny that information from this program helped pinpoint bin laden. Stephen yes, well never know whether or not we may have gotten that information another way. Other than the other way we know we got it. laughter cheers and applause huge fans of information here tonight. laughter but we do know that we tortured people and later we got bin laden. Thats not me saying it. Thats science. And that mad man over there. Okay . Besides, in this complex world, who knows what leads to Something Else happening. Its just like how if a butterfly flaps its wings in the amazon, that might also have led to bin laden. Well never know until the c. I. A. Captures that butterfly and pulls its wings off. laughter but look, i can agree with me all night. Theres only one sure way to confront this painful chapter in our history never confront it. I have been saying that with my friends for years. We need to get this behind us. This is ancient history now, and we adopted this program and we should now not be going after or disparaging the people that carried it out. elsa singing let it go from frozen cheers and applause stephen well said, dana perino. At this point, the whole torture debate is just water under the bridge and up the nostril. And i gotta point something out. Why is it that i and the other people who supported enhanced interrogation are the only ones willing to get past it . This has got to be a twoway street. Some people thought it was right, others thought it was wrong. Lets meet in the middle and never discuss it again. This is about our relationship as a nation. And in a relationship, when someone does something shameful say, cheat on your spouse or chain someone in the basement of a czech disco for three years do you keep dredging it up . No you take the pain and you stuff it down deep, act like everythings fine and get on with your lives. Then ten years later, a Little League ump makes a bad call and you go at him with a plank from the bleachers. You call that a strike . are you bleep blind . it was one night on a work trip and it meant nothing to me unfreeze your heart cheers and applause point is, were over it. Well be right back. Hersheys drops. Perfectly bitesized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness. When the chocolate is hersheys, life is delicious. [ gps ] turn left now. Where are we exactly . I dont know. I was listening to your gps. I dont have a gps. Destination ahead. You have reached your destination. Dahhhhh [ male announcer ] crazy good you have reached your destination. Are so soft, chewy, and filled with their fruity selves. They think this world isnt big enough for the both of them. But we assure you it is. Bites. Little greatness. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Thanks so much. Nation, its no secret barack obama wants to indoctrinate our students with his socialist agenda. Ive even heard disturbing rumors that kindergarteners are being forced to share. laughter thats why ive long opposed his common core curriculum which sets uniform education standards across all a 50 states. No way different states have different values. I dont want my kid ending up in colorados drug education course, which classifies weed as a condiment. laughter but i may be coming around on the common core, because it turns out common core testing prepares our students for what theyll face as adults. Pointless stress and confusion. laughter new common core standards straight from the government being adopted in 45 states and confusing the heck out of parents. Critics say these tests are hurting, not helping students. The kids are anxious and uptight. Its stressful. Ridiculous. I wouldnt allow my kids to take the test today. They were stressing over it and they were getting upset. Stephen oh, come on tests are supposed to be stressful thats why they called it a Blood Pressure test which i aced with a 16 hup. What are are the kids so worried about . Look at this math question. Find jacks error, then write a letter to jack telling him what he did right and what he should do to fix his mistake. Thats a great question. Teaches two important workplace skills math and passive aggressive note writing. Its going to come in handy applause folks, we all know its going to come in handy when you have to leave post it notes about proper yogurt etiquette in the break room fridge. Folks, that word problem couldnt be easier to solve. All you have to do is check the semicircles on the twosided arrow, put the numbers up in it and, bing, bang, math the same thing i do when i get a check at a restaurant. Draw a bunch of shapes and tell the waitress to find my error, and i for one do not see why kids arent nailing total gimmes like this next question. Mike saw 17 blue cars and 25 green cars in the toy store, how many cars did he see . Write a number sentence with a grey box for the missing number. Explain how the number sentence shows the problem. Thats easy. And if for some reason you dont know what a number sentence is, im sure you could use a word equation or a formula paragraph. And theres hard proof that the common core is already opening our childrens minds to new ways of thinking. Just look at this actual answer to that question given by a california second grader. 17 plus 2 25 equals 42. I got the answer by talking in my brain and i greed of the answer that may brain got. laughter in fact, that is the same answer i agreed of in my brain. laughter folks, this child has a bright future. Hes only in second grade and can already clearly explain what it feels like to think. Now we just need to get him to explain what that feels like to whoever wrote the common core question. Question. Well be right back. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Killing weeds where they grow a barrier forms so weeds cant appear serious weed prevention up to a year new roundup max control 365 with no more weeds, its your year new roundup max control 365 oh, uh, cheezit zingz, the crunchiest cheezit yet. Ehh ehh ehh ehh. Please no. Wild zingz. We take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into our zingz crackers. Because at cheezit, real cheese matters. Stephen my guest tonight is a renowned scientist. Please welcome Dame Jane Goodall cheers and applause dr. Goodall, thank you so much for being here. Its such a pleasure to meet you. Ive obviously been fascinated with your work since i was just a boy. Everyone knows you as the chimpanzee expert. Thats right. Stephen if i were a chimp that you were meeting for the first time, would there be Something Different about your body language right now if you were meeting me for the first time . If you were treating me like a chimp, what would it be . Absolutely. Stephen what would be it be . Do you want to demonstrate . Yes, i do. Right here . Do i stand or you stand. You do as i well you. Okay . laughter youre the big male so youre dominant. Yep, like that. And im a little bit nervous of you. Now, you mustnt make a sound, right . No sound from you. No, nothing. I make the sound. So i just go uh, uh, uh, uh, uh but you actually like me, so you go uh, uh, uh, uh, uh applause are we going steady now . Were going steady. All right. Everybody knows you work in tanzania and you work with flo, gigi, froto, mike and humphrey. Now your book is called seeds of hope, the wisdom and wonder from the world of plants. Why go from chimpanzees to plants . Tid you get bored . No. Stephen youve seen one on roller skates youve seen them all . Were trying to get them off of roller skates. Stephen in this job market, i wouldnt advise it. I had to leave the forest because the forest across africa are disappearing as they are around the world. Chimpanzee numbers are dropping. So i had to Start Talking about the terrible things were doing to the planet. Stephen what are we doing to the plants . How are we hurting them . Every way you can imagine. Were destroying them by cutting down the forests which leads to co2 which adds to climate change. We are taking over more and more ecosystems for our developments, our buildings, our supermarkets. Were mining deep in the forest, were making roads for the hunters to come kill the animals. Stephen but we produce a lot of co2 now. Dont the plants use that for food . Arent we helping the plants as much as hurting them . No. At one time we lived in harmony, but now balance, were releasing fossil fuels, cutten down forests, adding to greenhouse gases. Look at the climate. Weve had the worst winter in eastern north america, the wettest winter. Its not so beautiful if youre a farmer. Not really. Stephen heres the thing that worries me about your new studies is the things you were doing before with chimpanzees, you were seeing them as individuals and having empathy for them. Am i going to have empathy for plants now . Because i dont want to feel guilty when im, you know, chowing down on an ear of corn this summer. Youll probably be chewing on corn but might not in the long run. Some of these trees, when you meet 2,000yearold trees and you think, my goodness how amazing you put your hands on the bark with the sap going off of it stephen jane goodall, are you trying to make me cry about trees . cheers and applause you learned extraordinary things about chimpanzees, that theyre tool users. In fact, lets take a look at this little clip there. The chimpanzees are in their natural location. Lewis got extremely excited and said we have to redefine man, tools or include chimpanzees with humans. Stephen looks like that chimp is laughing at us. Probably is. Stephen are you one of those people and what worries me about that clip, are you one of those people who believes in this evolution game . laughter all your lives of living with chimps, did you see one of them evolve into a man . Fall out of a tree, hair comes off, puts on a tie, hes a man . Just one, and im on board. No. Stephen ever happen . Im afraid you will never be able to join me on this band wagon. Stephen oh, well, thats too bad. Thats too bad. Stephen because were going steady. Well, you just blew it. cheering stephen jane goodall, stephen jane goodall, seeds of hope. Yo, untamed larger than life, stephen jane goodall, seeds of hope. Move fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. My tell em babe. How shemes doesnt solve the crimes. Dont call babe . Were not together. What . I have your lipstick all over my rim. Look, this morning was great. It was, it was amazing, but its over. Over like, over. Joyed . Look im from New Hampshire youre a beverage. Sarah, im having a weird day. Alright were done. Break up with lingering food. Ding this is such an us fight. Its such an us kind of fight. For that just brushed clean feeling. Eat, drink, chew orbit captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org announcer from new york city, Comedy Central presents juston mckinney. [cheers, whistles applause] thank you. [cheers, whistles applause] wow. Nice. Thank you. Wow. Yeah [cheers, whistles applause] man. I am i am so happy to be here and im so ow yeah, you too, dude. Thanks. Im so happy and im so impressed that Comedy Central, after going back and forth three times,