cheers and applause stephen hey, ladies andlcome report good to have you everybody cheers and applause whoo whoo welcome thank you so much. Folks cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much, folks. Thank you so much. Like the people in this room, everyone is still buzzing about the big game last night. cheers and applause i mean, people were tackled. laughter balls were kicked. Downs were forced. laughter and in the end, the Seattle Seahawks seastomped the denver broncos. cheers and applause it was after route from the beginning starting with Peyton Mannings opening snap. laughter now, due to fear of being sued by the n. F. L. , i cannot show you the footage but it felt Something Like this the cheers and applause now, admittedly, that foot only has nothing to do with football, but it felt a lot like that. laughter so, folks, the real reason i watched the game, this is is the ads. You had all the big names, budweiser, ford, radio shack. Really only one commercial mattered, a truly nutty ad that cheers and applause that drove the country nuts. Im talking, of course, about cocacola. Their commercial certainly got my fellow conservatives blood bubbling. How about that cocacola commercial . Did you hear the cocacola commercial . The coke commercial sparked controversy. The coke commercial was a slap in the face to america. You picked up a lot of coke drinkers, you picked up a lot of americans, coke, you blew it with a lot of people. They blew it with me and i didnt even see the ad. But for some reason they ran it when the game was already over the second quarter. laughter in fairness, give me a taste. Oh beautiful for spatial skies song continues in spanish note . song continues in another language stephen screaming laughter they were singing america the beautiful in foreign tongues come on, only english can give that song its certain je ne sais quoi. laughter folks, folks, the last thing i want to be is a prima donna here but i am full of shauden freud da over this. laughter and im not the only one whos outraged. Excongressman and former employable person allen west anger blogged it started rather patriotically with the words of america the beautiful then the words went from english to languages i didnt recognize. laughter yes, this man once represented florida and then serveed in iraq. How was he supposed to recognize spanish and arabic . laughter and the web site thebright barth. Cas Michael Leahy captured why were so angry saying that the company used such an iconic song, one often snung churches on the fourth of july that represents the old Pluribus Unum view of how americans immigrateed to push multiculturalism down our throats. Yes, the old Pluribus Unum. Thats latin for speakada english speakada english. laughter and as leahy points out, its not enough they sang a deeply christian patriotic anthem, the ad also prominently features a gay couple. audience reacts for petes sake, since when are gays allowed to gay up america the beautiful . laughter i mean, if the woman who wrote the song, Katherine Lee bates saw this ad, she would be disgusted and so would her life partner Katherine Coman with whom she lived for 25 years in what was then referred to as a boston marriage. cheers and applause folks, that was not a gay marriage, it was the 19th century. Women could not be lesbians back then, okay . They couldnt even vote. Or, as lesbians call it, scissoring. laughter well, thats it, america. I am officially removing cocacola from the allamerican male which, as we all snow hot dog for entree, a side of baseball glove, apple pie for dessert and, of course, mom who stands for mono oxidase methyl hydrate, that gives the apple pie the sustained feeling of wetness. Plus, of course, the vegetable. Nation, i know fruit, no letters. Im in no position to judge others. There, thats better. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause the super bowl is one of the biggest events of the year because football is americas game. We all love it but unfortunately, folks, some people out there arent cheering for our n. F. L. Heroes. Im talking, of course, about the cheerleaders. The Oakland Raiders are being sued by the teams cheerleaders, current and former raiderettes. They accuse the team of wage theft and unfair employment practices. They claim when the season was all said and done the cheerleaders made less than 5 an hour. What are they complaining about . At least we pay them i mean, the refs have to take a second job at the foot locker. laughter thats why im giving a wag of my finger to litigious cheerleaders. The n. F. L. Cant give cheerleaders raises. If they have more money they might be able to afford more clothing how can we know theyre excited if we cant count their ribs . laughter and folks, its if collective action works in this case it could work with cheerleader unions. Soon youll be in the stands revved up by this guy. Dont touch his pompom, only he can move the pompom. laughter frankly, frankly, i have to say, folks, this makes me question everything i thought i knew about cheerleaders. Maybe they really did want to talk to me in high school. I was too hot. cheers and applause folks, ive said mitt times, im no fan of pope francis. I know hes gods voice on earth but sometimes he comes off as preachy. laughter well looky look whos on the Current Issue of Rolling Stone. Thats right, its daft pontiff. And i havent been this upset at Rolling Stone since their 1993 cover featuring mother teresa. audience reacts so, yo, im mad, too. Oh, im mad, too. I thought that was wrong. So im giving a wag of my finger to the pope for going mainstream whats next . Youre getting encyclicals in starbucks . And only the papacys only stuff. I mean 483 to 492, that is old school his repudiation of the henoticon of emperor zenos at the beginning of the acacian schism, that is my jam cheers and applause well, id say this sellout pope needs to stay fear tawadros ii of alexandria. Hes big in egypt but he hasnt broken in the states yet so you probably havent heard of him. Next up, folks, longtime viewers of the report know im no fan of china. For one thing, why dont any of their athletes have skin . audience reacts but even i was disappointed when chinas Central Government banned cigarettes from kindergartens and elementary schools. boos yeah, yeah, thats right. From now on if Chinese Students want to smoke theyll v to get their smooth flavor from the sky. laughter so folks i tonight im giving a wag of my finger to china. America is the land of the free, but china is the land of freedom from regulation. Its the only country on earth where dry wall is the flavor of toothpaste. laughter i cant believe they kicked their own children out of marlborough company. The jump off the tobacco dragon wont be easy. They get hooked early china. This is their pacifier. By the way, speaking of china. China. The folks, back in december i shared my outrage that the moon americas moon had allowed a chinese rover, the jade rabbit, to land on its surface even though the moons clearly not over us yet. Why else would it keep looking through our windows at night . laughter but human, we have a problem. Chinas moon rover has apparently broken down on the lunar surface. Officials Say Something has gone wrong with the jade rabbits mechanical controls. They believe it was caused by the complicated lunar surface environment. The rover has to go into hibernation mode when it gets exceptionally cold and a glitch isnt letting do it that. Stephen tonight a rare double wag of my finger to china. two gongs laughter folks, not just for invading our moon with their rover, but for trying to make me care about it laughter because and this is true chinas actual official statement about the problems was win from the point of view of the doomed rover. Jim . My masters discovered something abnormal with my mechanical controls. My masters are staying up all night working for a solution. Nevertheless, im aware i might not survive this lunar night. Stephen no, no, folks, that stuff happens. Go on. Before departure i studied the history of mankinds lunar probes. About half of the past 130 explorations ended in success. The rest ended in failure. This is space exploration. The danger comes with its beauty. I am but a tiny dot in the vast picture of this adventure. audience reacts stephen damn these winter allergies that snowstorm is kicking up a lot of pollen. The sun has fallen and the temperature has darkened so quickly. To tell you all a secret, i dont feel all that sad. I was just in my owned a venture story and like every hero i encountered a small problem. Good night, earth. Good night, humanity. audience reacts 6. Stephen damn it sobbing you made me mourn a piece of Chinese Technology and i didnt even drop this one in the toilet cheers and applause well be right back. cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back thank you so much this audience chanting stephen thank you so much. Please, please. Folks, you would not believe how these people just keep giving and giving tonight. Nation, regular viewers know i love my harry potter books. cheers and applause theres just something about a kid with dark hair and glasses who saves the world that just speaks to me. On sunday harry potter author j. K. Rowling rocked the muggle world this revelation. Jim, accio footage. J. K. Rolling said Hermoine Granger should have ended up with harry instead of ron. Rowling says she put ron and her nighny together for very personal reasons. She goes on to say it may not have been the best match. Stephen yes j. K. Rowling finally admited what we readers have known all along. Harry and hermoine are perfect for each other you dont need a sorting hat to figure that out. Its as clear as the chemistry between dumbledore and voldemort laughter that who must not be named their love. laughter well, j. K. , i demand you give us the ending we deserve with a new book harry potter and the realization hes made a huge mistake. cheers and applause in this one harry turns his back on his wife and kids and has an affair with hermoine at the hogsmeade best western. It goes down in room 4143 4. Lets just say thats not moaning myrtle. audience reacts harry and hermoine needs to get together. Dont worry about ron, hell be final. Its fall the final book ron weasley and the studio apartment of shame. laughter ron goes on fantastic adventures with his new best friend a bottle of tequila and a futon found on the curb. che che right back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight has give an new book about modern parenting also known as the ipad. Please welcome jennifer senior. cheers and applause hey, jennifer. Good seeing you. Thanks lot for coming on. Youre contributing editor of new york magazine, regular contributor to the New York Times book review. You got a new book making a bit of a splash called all joy and no fun, the paradox of modern parenting. What do you mean all joy and no fun . Wheres the joy and whats the fun supposed to be . laughs im going to flip those around. Stephen okay. So in terms of saying that theres no fun its because theres a lot of drudgery in parenting, maybe a little bit of boredom. Stephen is that supposed to be news . laughter the point of parenting is that you have its to be bored. Stephen you sacrifice for them until they have their own children and then you say anything you want to say to me . laughter how about an apology . Its totally true. And theyre ingrates. Youre right. But the joy, as we know, its incomparable. Stephen the joy is the hard part. Well, ill tell you, joy very hard to tolerate. Stephen what . Yes this is one of the most interesting things i learned in my book. Because you are so deeply bonded to something. Stephen someone, hopefully. Yes, exactly. So imagine how many times have you heard a parent say to you im looking at my kid, hes beautiful in his crib, i love him so much and then i imagine something terrible happening. Right . I mean, its the kind of thing where you associate audience reacts not ringing a bell . Never happens to you . Stephen no. I often think what if something happens to me . Whats happened to my face . Well, the other 99 of us do. So that is a harder feeling to tolerate than sadness, almost. Stephen well, no, no, it is there. s an exquisite agony in knowing that this beautiful thing is here and someday it will not be here. Even if things go right your chil will grow old and die. Thank you so much for coming. laughs pleasure. Thank you. Let me give you the line. The psychiatrist i talked to put it beautifully, joy is grief inside out and thats not the same is fun. Thats different. Stephen joy is grief inside out . This guy needs to be a better bard. laughter youre right stephen all joy and no fun is happiness one of these two . Heres the thing you have to know. So in study after study parents are more happy than nonparents. Stephen that a good thing or a bad thing . Serious question. Is that a good thing a bad thing . Is happiness a goal . I would argue no. I think its overrated. Stephen i totally agree that happiness is overrated. laughter i do. Happiness is for the weak. We are not here to be happy, we are here to procreate, to make more children and infect them with our world view which might not they might also not be happy. laughter the let me tell you what kids were for. They were our staff. They used to work for us. Stephen they still are, they still are. In the colbert house. Stephen sunday night, garbage. Its snowing, go outside. But the problem is right now, you know, i think ever since the progressive era we dont actually we now work for them. We take them soccer practice and baby gymboree, violin lessons. All without any idea that we are necessarily we dont know if this is helping them or us. Stephen should we neglect them . laughter im curious, im curious because when i was a kid i grew up on a dirt road, mom pushed me out in the morning and said ill traceeffects. Ning. Com bell for lunch, try not to hurt yourself. Exactly. That was okay. But heres the thing. The betty draper style of neglect i wouldnt advocate. The smoking and drinking like in mad men. But theres something to be said for maybe not hovering quite so much and i think wed all feel better. Stephen do you have a child . I do. Stephen how old is your child . Shes six. Stephen so are you here to get away from him . laughter ah ah anything. That would be a really elaborate ruse. I wrote a book just to come on here and get away from my kids. Stephen when you get older when he gets older are you going to use the proceeds of this book to pay for his therapy . Im terrified about that. Stephen please come back in 20 years and tell us how hes doing. I will Stephen Jennifer senior. The book is cheers and applause stephen captioning sponsored by Comedy Central its 11 59. In 59 seconds this happened on deadspin today. Investigate 9 11, nine nooun was perpetrated by people in our own government