Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [cheering and applause] jon my show. My beautiful show. Here it is, your moment of zen. People are holding tickets that match the winning numbers in the 636 million Mega Millions drawing. Lets go from the best of luck to the worst of fate, its still not clear why a gunman walked into a medical buildi captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org test. Stephen tonight is santa claus an american, well, he is fat and wears a velvet track suit. Then a shocking taste of government waste. There is nothing wrong with the old hampshire. And my guest is keanu reeves who stars in the new samurai movie 47 ronin, oh, three more and he can get the free ronin. Stock tores say an apple a day may prevent heart attack, if only there were some sort of rhyme to remember that. This is the colbert report. cheers and applause cheers and applause welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen thank you so much. Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching the cole bert report and i certainly hope that you are. You know that i love ranking things in lists. In fact, i say lists ranking ranks as my number four passion. Right after two fingers of bourbon and Three Fingers of bourbon. Now of course among rankophiles the cream de la cream de la crop is the American Customer Satisfaction index which ranks Customer Satisfaction among 190 major brands. Is the most trusted ranking of corporate likability next to people magazines sexiest corporation alive. laughter wouldnt mind sprinkling some brown sugar on that. Now according to the acsi this years top customer satisfier was mercedesbenz, the cadillac of cars. So congratulations on the extra effort, mercedes, which of course was a complete waste. Because Bloomberg Business week crunched the data this week comparing the satisfaction ranks with each companys stock price and found that Customer Service scores have no relevance to stock market returns. The most hated companies performed better and your con tempt really truly doesnt matter. If anything t might hurt Company Profits to spend moneymaking customers happy. Thats right, folks, the free market has spoken. And it said [bleep] you. laughter stephen for instance, the stock of one of the lowest scoring companies in the survey Time Warner Cable surged 450 over the past five years, which is particularly surprising since five years is how long youve been waiting for the cable guy. Remember, remember, they said hed be there between 2009 and 2014, so dont go anywhere. And since apparently having customers hate su good for business, im going to help American Corporation right now get Customer Satisfaction numbers right in the toilet. So release the files that show Richard Branson was the Zodiac Killer that is how he smiles when he cut you are your tongue out. Bank of america give customers who hope open a Checking Account a free toaster and hepatitis c, olive garden change your slogan from when are you here youre family to the way to put a penis ton. laughter by the way, but you still get unlimited bread sticks. laughter folks, last week i defended fox news senior Ice Sculpture megyn kelly after liberals attacked this good woman for saying santa claus is white. Now kelly has support from prominent africanamericans like bill oreilly. I dont see race but i assume hes black because you know, his name sounds black, oreilly, oneill, o bomba. Brother bill, represent, and kelly is correct. Santa was a white person. The historical truth is that st. Nicholas, the prototype of santa was white. He was born sometime around 288 ad in asia minor. Now the country known as turkey, see, he was from turkey, just the white meat part. But you know, hate is going to hate like cnns senior don lemon don lemon who fired back with this. With me tonight exclusively not one, not two, not even three but four santas. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. One black, one latino and one filipino. Stephen one black, one latino and one filipino santa that reminded he me of a great joke i can only tell to a white santa. laughter but folks, its pretty good. applause cheers and applause im sorry, maam, but thats not my boot. But folks, theres an even greater danger than santa being from the wrong race. He might be from the master race. Because germany has laid claim to father christmas arguing that he has german origins and is in danger of being sidelined by americas santa claus. Wow. Oh, oh, oh, germany going after santa . Looks like someone didnt learn their lesson about invading the poles. Folks, i tell you, i tell you what right now, folks applause these scrooge mcdeutschelanders claim that father christmas was born in the mid 19th century when a munich magazine published a mack of a grim looking man in a hooded coat carrying a Christmas Tree through the snow. Bad news, germany, thats not a beloved christmas symbol, thats just a homeless guy, okay. He thinks the tree is his wife. laughter but evidently father christmas is white, so he could come up with santa claus forming a kind of axis of racial purity. Theres no way that could go wrong. For more on this christmas culture war please welcome germanys ambassador to the united nations, the honorable hines beinholz, thank you, mr. Ambassador. Thank you much. cheers and applause stephen please, now, now mr. Ambassador, thank you so much for joining us. Tell me, who, to the german people who is father christmas . Father christmas is a investigate a bond,. Hes only never from its roots. Slowly des kating, forever a burden like children. laughter applause cheers and applause stephen just to be clear, just to be clear, germans love him, right. Yes. As bleak winter descends like a shrewd over germany his gives the only distraction from the hovering darkness. Its whole of oblivion forever licking at our doors with his eternal tongue until we become too weak to fight. And lie down to be taken by the cold embrace of the snow. applause stephen okay, hands, its christmas, lets keep it light, lets keep it light, all right. Oh, would you care for a candied cane . Stephen thank you very much, thats nice. It represents the emotional crutch of the seasons empty frivolity, each chip a proposing of the all box in which we will all be wrapped, a gift only to the worms. laughter stephen thats about all we have time for. Thank you so much. Oh, look, we are under the mistle toe. cheers and applause stephen i i see that we are. Its berries of poison like hope. Stephen all right, Merry Christmas, ambassador, thank you so much for joining me. Today joy to deutscheland, tomorrow joy to the world. Stephen well be right back, everybody, thank you stephen welcome back, everybody, i meese tonight is keenoff keanu reeves, please welcome keanu reeves. Konichiwa. Konichiwa brark speaking japanese . Stephen its so wonderful to meet you and be angry with you in person. The three things that piss me off. Youre a canadian. Youre an acker. If you tell me are you a vegan im kitting off your mike right now, no, youre not, okay. Also youre 49 and im 49. You go to hell. laughter are you an elf . What is with you. It doesnt count what is on the outside all the time, its what is inside. Stephen please tell me this has to do with eating bacon. Absolutely. No, i cant say anything about that. It is my ancestor. Stephen oh, good genes. Good genes. Stephen all right, listen, i dont have to explain anyone here who keanu reeves, name your favorite movie, quick, go. All of those, all of those. Youve got a new one now. That is what it feels like to me. Stephen you walk on the street and people just no, no, not like that, just. Stephen you have got a new movie called the 47 ronin. 47 ronin. Stephen i love this story, it was one of the most performed japanese plays of all time. Yes, it is. Stephen tell the good people the story of the 47 ronen. In what, 30 seconds. Okay. Stephen no, i will do it if you want. You can . Stephen you can just go back there and watch. No su have done enough work v a drink of water. Lets watch a clip of the movie. Thank you, sir. cheers and applause stephen so, i assume its a bit of a chick flick. Yeah, it is, actually. Theres a big love, impossible love. Jon that guy is looking at you, the guy looking, hes looking at you like he is the one, are you the one . Are you the one in this one . No. Stephen hes not. Im a part of a group. Stephen how many are in the group . Theres 47. Stephen . There there is also a princess as well fighting for her home as well. Stephen besides being in guy that of looks to in these movies to be the one, youve got your own uniqueness in your own life. Youre a hollywood superstar and you dont live the hollywood superstar life. Why are you so low key and laid backment shouldnt you be out there riding a white tiger knee deep in hookers and blow . What is the use of being a superstar if you cant act crazy. I dont know, no, i you know, i kind of, i dont get out much, just kind of low key like you say, work on working. laughter stephen its actually quiet. Yeah, sure. And then we can look up. Stephen you want quiet. Its not easy s it. No, its not. Stephen youll learn, youll learn. Youll learn young keanu. But maybe i did that on purpose. Stephen now the student has become the master. You are not only an actor but a musician and now youre a director. Youre director man of tie chi. And also in man of tie chi. I am, was. Stephen did you have to have sex with the director to get that part . No comment. Stephen im sorry to take some of time asking these questions but i want to digest what you are saying in the speed in which youre telling me. And i dont mean that per jor difficultly. Okay. Stephen i actually want to understand. Youre also a mean. I have been a mean. Stephen sad keanu. Everybody knows, Everybody Loves that keanu. Are you sad . No. Stephen is this happy . Im happy to be here. Stephen youre happy to be here. You can show me, can you show moo that, would you mine if i asked you as an artist to show you sad. Nobody, not at all. What kind of sad joo keanu sad. Well, theres lots of different kinds of keanu sad. Stephen loss of a loved one. Oh, gosh, thats heavy. Wow, i dont know if i can do that one. Stephen how about loss of a cell phone. laughter ill dial it way back, ill dial it way back. Okay, but then i have to do loss of a cell phone but how about if just melancholia where. Stephen okay, melancholia. Stephen all right. All right. All right. A warm memory, a warm memory, warm memory. Give me another one. Okay all right. You found your your cell phone. Stephen i totally believed that. Keanu reeves, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you so much. Keanu reeves. The 47 ronin. We shall return. Keanu. Stephen folks tonight we want to wish a Merry Christmas to all those serving overseas and all those that have come back from our wars but whom the fight is not over. Joining us now the Wounded Warrior band and great aaron neff ill here supporting the Childrens Health fund. Sigh ive heard there was a secret chord holy night all is calm all is bright round yon virgin mother and child holy infant so tender and mild sleep in heavenly peace sleep in heavenly peace silent night holy night shepherds quake at the sight glory streams from heaven afar heavenly hosts sings hallelujah christ the sarrier is born christ the savior is born silent night holy night son of god love heuer light radiant beams from thy holy face with the dawn of redeeming grace jesus, lord at thy birth jesus, lord at thy birth silent night holy night all is calm all is calm all is bright. Round yon virgin mother and child holy infant so tender and mild sleep in heavenly peace sleep in heavenly peace sleep in heavenly peace 7 rjrj,x,x