Stephen tonight, a new way to stop the gays. Then advice for a happy thanksgiving. Dont beat a turkey. Then, i sit down with j. J. Abrams who is directing the new star war movies lets hope j. Jvmentd doesnt stand for jarjar. Wait a minute a second, Neil Patrick Harris is a mutant . This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen report to the report. Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us. I got a cheers and applause folks. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, folks. Thank you for your support. Thank you for joining us on this, the last day of america, because, folks, it is all over. I am i am packing up and getting out of this country and moving back to south carolina. cheers and applause and heres why breaking news, Senate Democrats vote to approve the socalled Nuclear Options. Before the democrats voted to change the rules, the Nuclear Option through that up, totally changed the rules. They changed filibuster rules to end the 60 vote threshold. Stephen they used the Nuclear Option. That will give congress radiation burns. laughter too late laughter folks, that scared the socks off ill pack my underwear suitcase later. Folks, we have just witnessthe death of an american institution, the power of the minority to filibuster anything they didnt like is one of our founding principles. Thats why its not in the constitution. laughter it was going to be, but it got filibusterd, which shows how necessary it is, or else that crap would be in the constitution. laughter and just listen, just listen to the flimsy excuse offered by Senate Majority dictator harry reid. In the history of our country, some 230plus years, there have been 160 filibusters of executive and judicial nominations. Half of them have occurred during the obama administration. Only 23 District Court nominations have been filibustered in the entire history of our country, 23. You know what . 20 of them have been in the last four and a half years. Stephen hey, republicans wouldnt have to block them if obama nominated conservatives, like, say, republican senator chuck hagel. I mean, that guy whats that . They filibustered him, too . Well, that just proves theyre bipartisan. Theyll filibuster anyone obama nominates. laughter and we cant trust the democrats with all this powers, folks. They cant do anything right. At harry reids press Conference Announcing the end of the filibuster, they misspelled filibuster with two ls. laughter that says phillybusters, which i assume are cops who arrest female horses. laughter and i dont even believe the democrats are really against the filibuster. Because their poster clearly says theyre againsts this spem. But they niewkd it. They went ahead and niewkd it. Whats going to happen in washington now . Something . We were this close to achieving a zenlike state of perfect government nothingness. Not since buddha have so many fat, bald men worked so hard to do so little. laughter applause and folks i have to tell you its not just the senate. I am sad to report america is losing the battle against gay marriage. The District Of Columbia and 16 states have legalized manon mantwoimony including just last week hawaii. Its aloa traditional values, and aloha, gay marriage. laughter applause i wish i could assailant opposite. Just last night, the government of illinois signed samesex marriage legislation into law. You know whos happy about that . Theee bears worst of all, woferlt of all, our military has fallen prey to the homosexual gay agenda. Three years ago they dropped dont ask, dont tell. At first i figured the gays wouldnt want to be in the military, the the cameo is so matchymatchy. Turns out gay people have some sort of sick fetish for serving their country and now theyre cashing in on those sweet benefits. Just ask secretary of defense and man who was crying just before you walked in, chuck hagel. When the Supreme Court issued its decision on the defense of marriage act this summer, the department of defense immediately began working on providing same benefits, same benefits to all eligible spouses, regardless of sexual orientation. We did it because everyone who serves our country in uniform, everyone in this country, should receive all the benefits they deserve and theyve earned. Stephen folks, these benefits just encourage the destructive gay hookup culture. Meeting your spouse in some windowless back room to provide hot, sweaty dental coverage. Thankfully, one brave state, oklahoma, is fighting to remain oklahetero. Its constitution already bans samesex marriage. Otherwise, oklahoma would be a gay mecca. Think of all the things they have to offer the gays the musical. Thats it. applause so oklahoma did the right thing and took away some rights. Jim . The National Guard has stopped processing samesex couples benefits after getting an order from governor mary fallon, despite the pentagons announcement last month that samesex spouses of military members are eligible for the same benefits as straight couples. Stephen sorry, l. G. B. T. Crowd, you got greedy. If you let us keep dont ask, dont tell, nobody would know if your samesex partner was gay. laughter now, according to some obscure the u. S. Constitution, denying rights to a specific Minority Group is illegal. So governor fallon is ensuring that all oklahumans are treated equally by ordering stateowned National Guard facilities to stop processing all Military Spouse benefits. Now, every oklahoma National Guard member will have to travel to a federally run facility to apply for benefits. In some cases, that would be an additional fourhour road trip. It will be fun. You can play a game of eye spy and arbitrary denial of my rights. laughter now, governor fallon is setting a great precedent here. Rather than provide any services for gay people, the government should refuse to provide them for everyone. Because once a gay person gets something, it gets their gay all over it. laughter thats why i think we should shut down the fire departments. If i find out that firefighters also rescue guy people, suddenly, it will seem gay for me to have their calendar. laughter applause thats march. Thats march. Thats a good one. And what about schools . Ive heard some of these newfangled gays also have kids that go to school. Theyre learning the same math as my kids, all so they can go home and count the number of mommies they have. laughter and, folks, we wouldnt even have this problem if gays werent allowed in the military. So no one should be allowed in the military. I say let those drones do all the work. laughter theyre still moks away from developing a sexual preference. But once they do, theyll have no problem connecting with their soul mates or any of their collateral soul mates. You know what . Even that might not be enough, folks. Because governor fallon, i heard that gay people in oklahoma enjoy the cent of your flower, the oklahoma rose as much as straight people do show you can shhh order everyone in your state to cut off their noses to spite the gays because youre kind of doing it already. Well be right back. cheers and applause . cheers and applause . Stephen thank you very much. Thank you very much. Welcome back, everybody. Nation, as you know, this is my last show before thanksgiving. And sometimes its hard to get through the holiday without the thing youre most thankful for me. laughter which is why this year, you can have Stephen Colbert as a guest at your thanksgiving dinner. cheers and applause all you have to do i know,in, calm down, calm down. Well get there. All you have to do is set a place at your table, put your laptop at it, and fire up this exciting new dvd, stephenstephn colberts guess whos coming to dinner . Its me, Stephen Colbert. As you can see cheers here i am, dressed as a roast turkey enjoying a drum stick, because nothing evokes the hardship of the first colonies like cannibalism. laughter for just three increasing payments of 39. 99, ill be your thanksgiving guest of honor. All thats left is take your credit card numbers and record the dvd, lets do that part right now. Jim, come on, lets do it. Okay, here we go. Stephen oh, hi thanks for inviting me insert name family. But before we begin, a prayer of thanksgiving. Dear lord, jesus christ, the one true savior who will some day judge those sitting at this table. Thank you for this bounty, which we are about to take partake of. Also thanks for not making us indians. Talk about a rough ride. Amen, lets eat. Okay cheers and applause okay. Mmmmmm oboy mmmmmm. So tender you would have to be an idiot to be a vegetarian. laughter im talking to you, karen. Sure, saving a lot of animals by not eating this dead one. Oh, oh, oh, go run into the forest, little guy, be brave. And is this stuffin stuffing ise for. Not that uncle rick would know what with his madeup gluten allergy. If this was the old day, you weak links would have been whip outside of the gene pool a lock time ago like god intended. All right. Mmmmmmm. Now i know im not supposed to talk like this in front of the random stranger dad met at the starbucks and ein vieted over because he had nowhere to go. Now hes got somewhere to go, through everyones purses. Mark my words. cheers and applause . Hey, hey, hey, im sorry, im sorry you dont have to yell, okay . Lets just have a nice meal for once, please. All right. applause all right, all right. Look, look, look, im just going to stay, all right . Marx, are you gay in nan back me up on this one. Hey, bob, you still have thatted paindmanian guy doing your lan. You might want to switch to guatemalen. Theyre like stronger, more grateful italians. Carter, madison, stop clanking the damn silverware. Uncle stephens trying to drink laughter im fat. laughter applause oh, my god. Oh, my god. Karen, your pie tastes like brown spackle. Oh, come on, karen. Stop crying is it because marks gay . Hes not crying. Well, he wasnt a minute okay. Knock it off, buldy. Youre not helping your case anyway. Look ill cut to the chase, everybody. I need to borrow 15,000. Its not gambling this time, okay, its for an investment, okay. Here it is. Its an invention. It looks like a pen but it actually holds two triple a batteries, okay. Its the perfect thing for the next time you need batteries, or a or a pen. Actually, scratch that. The pen doesnt work. It just looks like a pen. Uncle rick, you in . How about you starbucks guy . Why cant you support me for once just this one time. Im sorry we cant all be perfect,nana. If anybody needs me ill be in the car. Heres a bird i cooked for you. Hey, hey. applause you like that . Is that tasty . Hey, who wants seconds . cheers and applause aqiiurv cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is hollywoods hottest director please welcome j. J. Abrams. cheers and applause good to see you again, man, how are you . Very well. Stephen its been a long time. The squirrels in the basket, man. Everybody knows who you are, youre the Emmy Awardwinning megadirector, of lost alias and now youre doing the star wars movie were not going to talk about that right now, all right . I know youre drying dooig to tell me what happens in the new star wars movie but im sorry, i cant do it. Not yet, not yet. Now youve got a project that really shook me, j. J. Oh, really, how so . Stephen because its a book. Okay. Yup. Not only is it a book. Its a book that is i think would be impossible to turn into a movie. Yeah, the goal of this was not to make a movie. It was to create the book. This is the end game, what youre holding in your hand. That stephen thats the pai dont understand. This book is not just any book. Its a book within a week. Its a novel that you conceived of with a writer named doug doris. Doug doris wrote the book, did an extraordinary job. The idea was to take a novel and to say what if someone left a novel in a library, a library obamacare an old library book, as it is. Stephen let me open that up like that. And you get in this sporty black case, and you tone up and you have a 1949 library book and if you look in the book, you see theres writing inside in the margins. And its two people who have met through the book. The book bakes vessel of communication. Its sort of like an analog texting. laughter theyre writing back and forth and investigating this writer, who essentially wrote the book. Stephen obviously, i know who b. M. Shrock is. The book is shrokasian. Is he a real person . No. Stephen there is a novel that is fake. And then the people who are writing to each other are also made up. So its almost like its three stories in one book. Its sort of a play on top of a novel. Inside the book you get all these stephen you have little bitsave newspaper in here. Letters, a postcard. Stephen this is an actual napkin with a map drawn on it. Is this a novel or is this evidence of your spiraling into madness . laughter this is the sort of thing i have to say, j. J. Ue know im a fan but this is the sort of thing when they find this in your newspapers they go, of course he killed those people. Look at this. It was either that or a lot of cash. The idea with this book is its an obvious gimmick. The book is sort of an experience, but what did doug did is right, an extraordinary book that happens to also have a lot of weird stuff stuck in the pages. Stephen you conceived of this book. It actually has a library it has a dewey decimal card. They did an amazing job. Stephen its designed like a library book. It even has, like, what is this its a code wheel glai code wheel. Hold on, hold on help hold on. Drink. More oaflovalteen. This is what happened. I was at the airport, and i saw a paperback novel stephen back when you flew public. Okay, go ahead. laughter . And there was this paperback sitting on a bench before they would close down the airport because the book and i went over, picked it up, and it was a ludlow novel, and someone had written inside, whoever finds this book, please read the book, take it somewhere and leave it for someone else to find it. Signed janet. Stephen go ahead, go ahead, yes. laughter so i started thinking what would happen if laughter i thought what would happen if someone it reminded me of being in college, and youd see the notes people would loaf and i thought what if that became a conversation between people. Stephen the book came into fruition between and you doug doris. Hes an amazing author. Stephen is he an actual author or is he made up, too . He is. Stephen i have to say his name is a fairly obvious anagr anagram. Come on, j. J. Hes real, hes real. Stephen are you ready to move some paper . Lets move the paper. What page does yoda show up on . 38. No. This is nothing to do with starwars but i cannot wait to talk to you about star wars. Its so early. Stephen it is so early. Youre doing the star trek movies and youre doing star wars now. Which group of fans seems the most frightening when they approach you . Which group of them makes you feel like youre in a room without any doors slowly filling with someone elses needs . No, im grateful to all stephen all of them, really . All of them. Stephen really, okay . Sure. I feel incredibly lucky to be involved with these things and the fans are why were doing the movie. Stephen i understand. Is there going to be another star trek movie . There is going to be a third, and theyre working on it now, and there will be someone else directing it. Stephen are you looking for a sexy romulan . A dancy lady . The guy with the big butt forehead . Are you going to help us out. Stephen of course, of course, you kidding . Im in, if youre in. Stephen im in, baby doll. J. J. Abrams. The book is s