Jon thats our show, here it is, your moment of zen. I cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, everybody, thank you so. For joining me. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Please. cheers and applause i got to say, that taste like greatness. Nation, weve all seen the devastation in the philippines caused by typhoon haiyan, it is an unthinkable tragedy and we send our thoughts and prayer to those in need but it is not all were sending. United States Military taking significant steps to help typhoon recovery operation. U. S. S. George washington is now in the gulf in the area. It brings with it 80 aircraft, 5,000 sailors all ready to deliver food, water and medicine. The u. S. Also providing 20 million in immediate aid. Folks, america takes alot of slack just because we spy on our ali, invade countries on hunches and threaten to tank the Global Economy as a fundraising tool. But face it, when the [bleep] goes down the world needs heroes, nobody says thank gods the belgians are here. Oh, i hope they brought us some waffles. laughter nation, this makes me proud to be an american. To know that my tax dollars are going to help people if i pay taxes. I have an excellent accountant. He said if a shell ter, i think the feel pooens. America has put our money where our mouth s the boots on the ground and hads in the air like we just do care. Cant say the them thing about socalled superpower china. China getting a bit of criticism. Theyve been in a longterm dispute, a land dispute, but guess what theyre only giving 100,000. Wow apparently the chinese symbol for crisis is also the one for bite me. Seriously, the nation of china pledged only 100,000. I bet the colbert nation could give more than that . What do you people think . cheers and applause you know what, you know what . You know what, folks, nation, lets do it. Lets outdonate china. To donate 10 to convoy of hope typhoon response efforts just text colbert to 50555, your donation will help bring clean water and food to the victims of typhoon haiyan, lets kick chinas ass at being compassionate because we are a brotherhood of man you stingy jerks. Get donating, nation. Folks, you know, this is no secret. When i need up to the minute news i always turn to the today show. Its the first thing i watch when i wake up around 6 00 p. M. I tivo it. Well, folks, 1 week ago today, todays al roker and matt lauer boldly went where no news has gone before. Here we are 1 week into no shave november and this morning we kick it up a notch because this whole thing has been about raising awareness for mens health, things like prostate kanner. And this morning, al, you and i are going to get a prostate screening live on the air. No, no, no, listen, folks, they had to. Matt lauer made such a convincing baywatch babe on halloween, the network demanded gender confirmation. Lets go to the action. This is a digital rechtal exam. So you guy goes off. Were to the going to show it, the camera will stay out here. Did it hurt. It doesnt hurt at all. And it took 34 seconds. Yes, 34 seconds. Because everyone knows the best medicine is the fastest medicine. Thats why you race for the cure. And this doctor samadi chief urologist at Lenox Hill Hospital is a prostate prompt just look at his bedside manner. Well, what he doesnt know is that i had to lose five pounds in order to make my finger a little smaller. laughter stephen oh, its wellknown that matt lauer is the biggest tight ass if the business. Word is cheers and applause stephen its what i understand. Its like a chinese finger trap down there. Folks, i got to say, the today show, well played, gentlemen. It is no accident that they pulled this Ground Breaking stunt during november sweeps because the today show knows what brings in the great ratings. Men in their 50s being finger puppeted. Well, little known fact, folks, little known facts, i also have a prostate. I just dont brag about it. And in my screens i always tell the doctor forget one finger, use the whole hand. That way i wont have to come back for five years. Called the five finger discount. And folks, i will not be out sweep swepted by the today show. applause thank you. Known no one has ever applauded for my prostate before. Thank you. So nation, scrub up, scrub in, strap on and strap in because im about to get my own prostate check in Stephen Colberts november sweeps prostacular. Jimmy, juice it november sweep prostacular. Stephen nation, welcome to the prostacular. Gentlemen, bring out the privacy curtain, lets do it, guys. All right. Nation, any newsman can get some old doctor to stick his digital up your analog. But sweeps is all about guest stars. Did someone say guest stars . cheers and applause stars, john lithgow, john, i got to ask you, john, what are you doing here . Stephen, im here to examine your prostate. laughter as research for an acting role. Stephen oh, whats the play . The glass menagerie. laughter stephen now folks, thats a guest star. Guest star, did someone say guest star . cheers and applause stephen host of televisions katie, televisions katie couric. Katie what are you doing here. Stephen, im here to examine your prostate. Stephen both of you . I thought but i never thought i would say this but i wish i had two prostates. Well, maybe you do. Thats what were here for. Stephen well, i want to thank you both for being here tonight. Did someone say guest star . cheers and applause stephen well, tectically no, but dan patrick of the grammy awardwinning endie rock duo the black kees what are you doing here. Stephen, a smooth prostate the size of a walnut thats music to our ears. Stephen thank you all for coming. But due to the limited capacities of my colon, i cant fit you all in there im going to have to make a choice. And tonights highly dramatic latex glove ceremony. laughter i want to thank all of you for going on this journey with me. But only one will be awarded this latex glove which say symbol of trust and also the actual glove you will use when you check my bum fruit for freshness. So make your final pitch, john lithgow. Stephen, as star of harrie and the hendersons, ive stood facetoface with a sasquatch. So whatever youve got going on down there wont frighten me. laughter Stephen Katie couric. Well, stephen, as you might recall, i made tv history when hi my onair colonoscopy on the today show back in 2000 . Well, my experience and commitments are unparalleled, plus i just got a manicure. Which combines the words man and cure. Stephen thats a powerful argument. Black keys,. Stephen, tonight i want you to think of us as the brown keys. Stephen a two man medical team im the frontman so i will conduct the exam. And i will play the drums and not conduct the exam. Stephen youre all so special. Any man would be lucky to have you examine their prostate for swelling lumps and or suspicious textures. But of course i have to desid. Decide. Stephen i choose john lithgow. cheers and applause what what you bitch, hes not even here for the right reasons stephen come on, pat, lets go check Jimmy Fallons prostate. Stephen john lithgow. applause john lithgow, will you accept this glove . It would be my honor. cheers and applause stephen jimmy, put up the timer. Dr. Lithgow, let her rip start the clock. Hows my prostate back there . Spectacular. Smooth as a freshly peeled lychee. laughter but stephen, i do see something strange back here. Stephen what is it . Kittens cheers and applause kittens stephen stop the timer. 24 seconds, we won whooo cheers and applause that was the best prostate exam ever. I cant wait to get my next exam during february sweeps. In hawaii stephen welcome back, everybody, nation, if you have been watching its show lately then you know last week i brought you some shocking news about cracksmoking toronto mayor and possessed Cabbage Patch doll rob ford. Well, folks, for the first time that im aware of drug abuse has had some negative consequences. The bombshell is so bad that even how strange is this, Ford Motor Company says its costing them business. The Car Company Says theyre distancing themselves from the mayor. The iconic ford logo was being used by rob ford supporters on tshirts. The company says the use sun authorized, obviously, and theyre now asking shirtmakers to stop using it. Stephen big mistake, ford. Rob ford could help you reach out to a lucrative new market, because after all there is no product with more Customer Loyalty than crack. Ford apologized last week and i think that should have been the end of it. But apparently the mayors critics cannot take i smoked crack for an answer. Instead they made even more alarming allegations. Mayor ford was said to be snorting cocaine, drinking vodka and using oxycontin all while entertaining a prostitute in his office. Drinking and driving also a problem police say. They say that one staff member said that he was in the car with the mayor when the mayor chugged a mickey of vodka mixed in with some gatorade. Mayor ford then steps out of the car and proceeds to urinate publicly next to basically an elementary school. Stephen o kwan dab, he was just trying to tell kids to stay in school. Seriously, kids, stay inside, the mayors out there. Now ford has declared that he is not resigning. Even though the Toronto City Council has asked him to step down it has no legal means to remove ford from office. According to canadian law the on ones with the power to arrest the mayor are the queen and wayne gretzky. But thats it. There it is, mayor ford is done embarrassing toronto in front of the camera. The also thing was olivia gondak says i want to eat her [bleep]. I never said in in her life to her. I would never do that im happily married. Ive got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you very much. Stephen wow s it valentines day already . Kind of makes you nostalgic to the crack now, doesnt it toronto. Weve be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight, the cofounder of the social news sight, hes got called red if. He has a new book and i havent read it. Please welcome alexis o handian. Alexis, good to see you. Thanks for coming on. We met a couple times before. Yes. Couldnt dress up. I see, i sput on a swaket. Stephen what is that. A sweater jacket. That is how i was told to dress. Im wise, i listen my girlfriend. Stephen now besides being sort of an early internet wonderkin with being cofounder of red t explain what it is. I have explained it on the show before and people that are on it the next day go that is not what red it is. What is red it. Is a platform for online communitites to share links and have discussions about what is new and interesting on the internet. Stephen yeah, thats my problem with it. This is my problem with read it. My problem is that there used to be a time when there was a class of cultural case makers like myself who told you what the most important thing was to read or see today. Whereas on read it everybody gets to post and everybody gets a vote, everybody gets to goiay, yay, and you know what i say to that . I say oooh. Okay. Why should everybody get a vote as to what we should all be raebding. That is cultural socialism. I like to think of it as a little bit of democracy online, the idea that any one of us has a great idea worth sharing or an opinion worth hearing is sort of baked into how that platform works and how this country works. But on read it you dont have to be a certain age, you dont have to be a property owner. You dont have to pass a literacy test, all the things we look for in our democracy. Thats right, we wanted it to be as open as possible. And the hope is more people who otherwise wouldnt have had access now can. And who can now share their ideas who wouldnt have been able to before. Stephen okay, speaking of sharing idea, you are sharing ideas in a new book. Its called without their permission. Okay. What is it you are doing without their permission and who is they . It is the gatekeepers, it is this idea that online we have this thing called permissionless innovation. The idea that anybody with a great idea can share it with the world, whether it is a business or a nonprofit or an art project or activism. And that means we get to surface more ideas and creativity from more people who dont need to go through gatekeepers. Stephen dont gatekeepers tell us what is good and bad . Gatekeepers sometimes get it right. Jon stewart had a good choice bringing you on board. Stephen i was at the daily show before he was but go ahead. Stephen whatever, whatever, thats not a knock, thats just a fact. The hope is with a platform like read it or the internet we get to hear from more people because they otherwise wouldnt have gotten the good fortune of finding the right gatekeeper at the right time. Stephen so if i wanted to do an internet start up, what do you do . I know you start and that is where you start, you start online. The last thing you did you sell it to google for 4 billion. What do you do in between. How do you get people to fund you on the internet, can you use the internet to fund you on the internet . You know it sounds riddick lose but its a az magazine. With we are seeing more and more people like you and me who are going to help their fellow americans with great ideas. Stephen that would be you then. There are more of these crowd funding platforms that let someone with a great idea to raise funding, kick starter is an on views one. In the last year more money has gone through that for art programs than through the national endure endowment of the arts. Stephen more dollars. More dollars, yes. Stephen have we reached the dream of killing the nea . I dont think theyre not mutually exclusive. I like knowing we get to live in a world where someone who wants to make a choose your own adventure of hamlet can get a book published thanks to the internet and a bferj of people. Stephen did that happen. It did, it raised over 600,000 for that book. Stephen what happens in to hamlet in this time. Its something you choose you choose whatever adventure you like. You could take d i mean i cant possibly tell you all the options, you have to read the book. But there are many. Stephen its a sad story. You can have it turn out better. Stephen really, you can have a happy hamlet . Yes, like ophelia lives and is not hiding behind the curtain and all that kind of stuff. And what is so exciting. Stephen to be or not to be, definitely to be. Now without their permission are you right now on a five month bus tour to promote internet entrepreneurship. Thats correct. Stephen wouldnt there be an easier way to do that say on the internet . Touche. Stephen i dont speak spanish or whatever. I wanted an excuse to rent a bus and a tshirt canon and visit 77 universities across the country because my fellow millennials are the ones who will be able to do all of this amazing stuff. Because it is not until i can actually get if front of them and hopefully give them the lecture i wish i had as an undergrad that will galvanize them. Stephen what is it, give the lecture, boil it down to ten words what is the thing, because im us millennials need to hear it. All right. You know, on an internet were all links are created equal. You can take a great idea and you can take all of that ambition and actually reach your maximum potential for being awesome thanks to the open internet. Stephen youre a wiseman. Alexis ohanian. The book is without their permission. Alexis, well be be