The stipulation they could vote against having voted for it. Proving that republicans may not be bipartisan but they may be bipolar. laughter . cheers and applause and these brave 27 statesmen led by Mitch Mcconnell took this stand for the noblest of reasons to get reelected. I for one cannot wait for the campaign ads so i didnt. Jim . Mitch mcconnell claims to be a smallgovernment conservative but he voted with the democrats to raise the debt ceiling. But Mitch Mcconnell knows that was wrong. He took a stand against Mitch Mcconnell. laughter Mitch Mcconnell, wrong for kentucky. Vote change. Vote Mitch Mcconnell. laughter im Mitch Mcconnell and i approve this message. No i dont laughter cheers and applause stephen folks, with an ad like that one one of them cant lose. laughter nation, you watch the show, you know my middle name is danger. But my first name is were all in and my last name is run for your lives. This is the threatdown. cheers and applause folks, traditional marriage is under attack and this time its not just from the gays although ive got to say, theyre not helping. Look at Neil Patrick Harris family halloween photo. audience reacts come to my house, i have funsized snickers. laughter no, the real threat to marriage is threat number three divorce. Didnt see that coming, did you . Now, divorce has never been great for a marriage, but according to a new study, divorce is contagious. Which ive suspected for a long time. Thats why i always did larry king live in a hazmat suit while holding a canary. laughter i was okay. applause i was okay but larry did hit on the canary. laughter no means no, larry. Now, according to a threedecade study by Brown University researchers although really its none of our business what color they were couples were 75 more likely to become divorced if a friend is divorced and 33 more likely to divorce if a friend of a friend ends his or her marriage. And im not surprised. I have never trusted friends of a friend. I mean, im my friends friend. Who are these other people . laughter researchers say divorce can spread like an epidemic through a social network like a rumor affecting friends up to two degrees removed thats right divorce can spread like crabs at theater camp which is why i have always said divorce should be illegal. Once a couple starts hanging out with nancy whos got a new lease of life, looks amazing and is spending thanksgiving in turks and caicos how can you possibly be satisfied with your spouse who is spending thanksgiving with you . laughter so, folks, protect yourself. Stay out of places where those infected with divorce off congregate the frozen food aisle, dog runs, miata dealerships, or traveling through thailand because bleep it. laughter and applause next up, folks, the debate on comprehensive immigration is back in congress but no matter what happens it may be too late to stop the salsa tsunami. Because i saw this on Good Morning America monday morning, america, and it was not good. Jim . For the first time ever, g. M. A. And the numberone latino morning show joining forces for an unprecedented Live Television event were swapping with univisions despierta america. Stephen wow, i had no idea g. M. A. Was that despierta for viewers. laughter folks, this brings us to threat number two undocumented network jumpers. laughter i mean, is nothing sacred . They gave the g. M. A. Logo one of those mexclamation points. Folks, i love skwrao epl nay sh that i once cohosted it. It was the happiest time of my life. laughter and associate it had joy we all feel watching the gang with Spanish Speaking is a threat to my latino rage. For years now ive been able to stereotype the rising tide of rice and beans as parasitic barbarians coming to take our jobs. But now the socalled American Broadcasting Company has challenged my prejudices with sensitive portrayals of the rich centuries old hispanic culture. Now you have to say buenos dias, America Buenos dias from beautiful miami speaking spanish oh ooh no, no Enrique Iglesias hes a little bit diva now. I think youre pampering her. You taught me some words. Well do a spanglish kind of thing where you can teach me words. The idea is you learn some words in spanish. Telenovella. Espano. Tortilla stephen its a beautiful language. Its a beautiful language. applause its like theyre reading you 100 years of solitude by Gabriel Garcia kwo gordita finally, folks, i love my mickey ds. I get a mcmuffin, two mcgriddles and to watch it down a mcallen. I got problem and theres nothing more i love than mcdonalds dollar menu. With just the change i find between my couch cushions i can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. laughter thats why this mcnugget of mcnews supersized my anger and made me grimace. laughter cheers and applause fillet ofish. laughter jim . Americas favorite fast food joint says goodbye to its dollar menu. Mcdonalds dollar menu is getting a new name. Dollar menu and more. It will include everything on the current dollar menu along with pricier items like a 20piece mcnut gets for 5. Stephen yes, the dollar menu and more. Or what other restaurants call the menu. laughter and its all due to climate change. Looky why. Rising temperatures have led to Drought Conditions in cattle ranching states forcing ranchers to cull herds and pay more for feed leading to more expensive cattle on the market. Well, if cattle feed has become so expensive why dont they just feed cows stuff off the dollar menu . laughter do i have to think of everything . Anyway, folks, this whole crisis brings know the number one threat in america global warming. Folks, melting icecaps and florida getting swallowed up by rising seas is one thing. laughter but when within my mcdouble goes from 1 to 1. 12, this bleep just got real. cheers and applause nation, i am calling i am calling on you to go to your local mcdonalds and demand that they save the dollar menu before it goes the way of the dodo. I can barely remember what those things tasted like. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, long time viewers of this program knows i am an avid fan of fox news anchor and cursed mannequin shep smith. laughter i recently celebrating him for sheping it you have a notch with the fox news deck. This is the new hub for breaking News Coverage for all of fox news channel. We call it the fox news deck. It allows me to manipulate this 38footlong video wall. Youll see on the lefthand side of this massive wall over here is what we have newsworthy. We call these bats. Big area touch screens. Stephen with all these electronic it is news deck can bring you the story as it happens as soon as shep guesses his neighbors wifi password. laughter and the breaking news technowonderland was completed just in time to cover the Government Shutdown. Here in new york im shepherd smith. Senate leaders from both parties have now restarted talks to raise the debt ceiling and tend partial Government Shutdown thats going on now. Stephen look at sheps hand held biodegradable info sheet cheers and applause i mean look at that thing flat screens are impressive but that thing is paper thin laughter now obviously this may cause some to ask what were all those screens for . Is he going to use them to play angry birds . Wrong it may be the most addictive online game ever. laughter candy crush. The object is you match these colorful groups of candy in three or more to clear the board and theyll give you suggestions like watch this see that blinking . Their suggestions are almost always wrong. It has a nice sound. I dont know if we have audio from it. Its not a nice sound at all. I dont even know if its fun anymore or if im a completed a detective. Stephen now we know the answer to one of journalisms eternal question what does shep smith do while he poops . laughter to address the serious ramifications of his candy crush addiction, shep brought in an expert. Cooper shraurpbs a psychologist and happens to be a candy crusher just as i am. Are you an addict . Im an addict. I think most of the people who play that game are women between 18 and 55. Stephen breaking news on the news deck, shep smith probably a woman between 18 and 55. laughter and applause fascinating. A fascinating story though evidently not to shep whos too busy crushing candy. laughter in fact, when hes playing candy crush nothing distracts shep. Not even his own news crawl which tempted him to report stories like new jersey beginning samesex marriages the president s nomination of a new secretary of state of Homeland Security and the recent bombing carried out by insurgents in afghanistan. Nice try, news crawl. Get back to shep when those insurgents attack with fruit or ninjas. laughter folks, sheps openness about his own addiction has inspired me to come clean about my own digital dependency. Joining me on my first step toward recovery at the super newstendo journocube 3,000. cheers and applause welcome welcome to the journocube 3,000 where we combine the best of edward r. Murrow and sonic t. Hedgehog. laughter hi, im stephen and im an addict. Theres a captivating new game sweeping cable news that has taken over my life and impaired my ability to do my job. Its called shinier news. laughter you see, on the left there are stories im probably supposed to be talking about. The billions of dollars that the shutdown cost, amnesty internationals condemnation of u. S. Drone strikes, or reports of the n. S. A. Spying on the german government. While, on the right there are shiny spinny diamonds. All right, here we go. This is always a tough choice. I got to catch those diamonds ha ha buzzer sounding . Oh bleep laughter i lost again well be right back. Come on stephen my guest tonight detected an Early Detection test for pancreatic cancer while still in high school. Tonight hes sitting at the cool kids table. Tonight please welcome jack andraka cheers and applause hey, jack, nice to meet you sit down, sit down. Nice to have you on. This is a fantastic story. Let me explain a little bit to the people who you are and what you did. Youre the 2012 intel science fair which is a National Science fair, right . International. Stephen my apologies. InterNational Science fair. You kicked a Little International butt in this one. Grand prize winnings scientist at age 16, right . cheers and applause explain to the good people what your invention did . So essentially what i created was a new way to detect pancreatic, ovarian and lung cancer and it costs three cents and takes five minutes to run so its like a diabetic test strip, you take a drop of blood and you can instantly diagnose that. cheers and applause . Stephen okay, all right perhaps even more interesting than the fact you did it at 16, you thought of it at age 14 . Yes, in my High School Biology class. Stephen what occurred to you . Did you get hit over the head and have a dream about what dawned on you . I was reading a scientific article, sneaking it under my desk. Stephen so you were goofing off like kids do by reading scientific articles. I know high school freshmen. Go ahead. laughter and what happened is we were learning about these things called antibodies that lock a specific protein. Stephen dont patronize me, i know what youre talking about. laughter essentially i thought maybe i can stick these two things together and make something cool. Stephen show the good people the cool thing you did. So heres one of my test strips and essentially what happened stephen a test trip . Like a crest white strip . Do i put this on my teeth . What is this . Its like a diabetic test strip. Its made of a carbon substance that tracks certain proteins out of your bloodstream. Stephen carbon like charcoal, that kind of carbon. Single wall walled carbon nano tubes. Long thin types of carbons that are 150,000th the diameter of your hair. Theyre really small. Then i createdded this in my garage and essentially you just stick it in there and you take this 50 meter and just put it like that and you can see if you have pancreatic cancer. Stephen and do i . Well, theres no blood on here yet. Stephen so i put blood on here . Just a drop of blood. Stephen so you could buy this add radioshack. I actually got this from home depot. laughter . Stephen how old were you when you got interested in this . I suppose i started doing Serious Scientific Research when i was in sixth grade. My middle school made it mandatory and they kind of like made it into a hunger games type competition where laughter . Stephen really. It was a blood sport. They hung a laptop over 300 kids and said whoever wins get this is. Stephen who won . I did three years. laughter cheers and applause stephen have you thought about using your powers for evil . laughter because this is the age at which normally supervillains make the turn. No, right now im working on open access so that everyone can access these different scientific articles and so no matter where youre from you can do scientific research. Stephen do you own this . Yeah, i have the International Patent on this technology and stephen chaching, right . laughter well, its not about the money for me its about saving as many lives as possible. cheers and applause stephen but youre also a teenager. You got other things youd like to do when youre not doing this. Is it hard being somebody whos come up with something that can detect cancer at the same time you just are just a teenager like when you watch glee do you think to yourself i just wasted an hour, victim saved ten peoples lives. No, i think that hour was well spent every single day. However, i do make up for it because i often sleep over in the lab. I kind of like go into the stairwell and theres a bunch of scientific articles and you can spread them out into a nice pillow sometimes so stephen wow. I missed my birthday for the past two years because of that. audience reacts . Stephen so you dont know whether you missed your birthday or not. laughter it sounds like you spend a lot of time in the lab with adults. Do you spend much time with other teenagers . Oh, yeah, im not like that weird kid who just spends all of his time in the lab. laughter stephen i didnt say anything about weird. laughter how about hopeful and very talented kid who spends all of his time in the lab. I want to make sure youre having some fun because ive got to say for your social life thats a great pickup line. You know hey, do you have pancreatic cancer . Would you like to find out . laughter cheers and applause jack andraka cheers and applause jack andraka, well be right back cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. [cheers and applause] i can at least draw like a nice character. I dont know what that is just scribbles. Congresswoman and dnc chair Debbie Wasserman schultz will be joining usms chances are well talk about nsa spy, health care, the governmentshutdown. Well talk about the Jonas Brothers breaking up. How could you do it again yoko . Havent you done enough . Why . [laughter] they are so yeah, i i was prized when i foud they they are i was surprised when they found out they were together, too. This is why the News Networks serve such an important purpose. All those issues are complex and we lie on the News Networks to provide context, substance. Im just bleep with you. [ laughter ] the News Networks are there to let you know that whether you look at an issue from the right or from the left, those are the only two ways you can look at it. [ laughter ] not anymore. Recently, yeah [laughter] cnn has moved beyond this
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