Together is like herding cats. laughter also, some of the contractors were cats. laughter and brace yourselves, folks, the lead contractor is from americas ancient nemesis canada. audience reacts now, by canadian law we must also they in french. Canda laughter now, the Company Behind web site gate is montrealbased conseillers en gestion et anformastic. laughter excuse me, i believe i just ordered an 80 cheese. And im not the only one who diagnosed obamacare with a terminal case of blow chunkage. laughter so did president obama care. Theres no shular coating it. The web site has been too slow, people have been getting stuck during the application process, weve had some of the best i. T. Talent in the entire country join the team and were well into a tech surge to fix the problem. Stephen yes, a tech surge just like our afghan surge. laughter which means well almost have it fixed in 12 years. laughter and applause and, and, it will be a great place to buy heroine. But if you still cant sign up online, dont worry, the napoleon of Community Organizers has a plan to win this welfare waterloo. While the web site will ultimately be the easiest way to buy insurance through the marketplace, it isnt the only way. You can also apply in person with the help of local navigators. These are people specially trained to help you sign up for health care. Stephen yeah, Health Care Navigators. Not to be confused with netscape navigator, which is evidently what healthcare. Gov is run on. laughter applause now, folks, the setup to setup these navigators the Obama Administration has reached out to established Community Organizations like food banks. Joining me now as i visit one of these health care houses of horror in Stephen Colberts i tried to sign up for obamacare. cackling first, i headed to the Monmouth County food bank where i met with the executive director, Carlos Rodriguez. Welcome to the food bank. Stephen so were in an industrial kitchen to sign up for obamacare. Break that down for me. How does that work . This is one part of the food bank where we provide meals for over 10,000 children a year. Stephen just to be clear, youre not a Health Care Provider of any kind. Thats correct. Stephen even though people come to you for obamacare and soup. I am not a dr. Stephen nor are you a chef . I am not a chef. Stephen okay. Is obamacare limited to people who can access it . Obamacare is only limited to those who want it and who are eligible. Stephen how do i sign up . You can sign up three different ways online with the assistance of navigators. Stephen what if i dont have a computer . We have an application we can help you fill out. Stephen what if i dont have a pen . laughter we can provide one for you. Stephen my problem is that i dont have hands. We can help you fill out the application. Stephen i cant hear. What if i cant hear . We will figure out a way to make sure that the application process is completed. Stephen okay. All right. What kind of invasive questions will you be asking me to navigate me through the process in will you want to know the size of my prostate . I do not want to know the size of your prostate. laughter stephen its impressive. Congratulations. Stephen dont you think best idea for obamacare at this point is just to defund it . Because there wouldnt be any complaints about it if it didnt exist. What will we tell the folks who are in need of health care and this is really the only option before them . Stephen what did you tell them before . There was Nothing Available before now theres something available and we want to get them enrolled. Stephen i would go back to the theres Nothing Available. I would be honest otherwise wed be lying. You dont want to be a liar, do you, car sflos we dont do that here. Stephen have you signed up for obamacare . I have not. Stephen you have not . We provide our employees for health care. Stephen interesting, so its good for the Little People but not Carlos Rodriguez. If we ever needed obamacare and it wasnt provided by my employer i would enroll. Stephen im a deeply religious catholic and i dont believe in contraception. Can you guarantee me the money that i gave obamacare will not go to provide contraception for sluts . laughter we do not have any control over what health care where the money for the health care goes. Stephen do you have any control over the sluts . I have no control over any individual. Stephen okay, well if obamacare is the law of the land lets get to it. Okay, ill just drop my trou here. Stephen we dont do exams here at the food bank. We just provide you with health care so you can have access to a doctor. Stephen let me get straight youre telling me you dont want to cut my balls . I do not want to do that at all. Stephen the t. S. A. Wants to cut my balls. Youre not willinging to do that . Im not willing to do that at all. Stephen theyre practically begging to cut my balls. I am not concerned at all. Stephen all right. If im going do this, im going to do it right. Whats the right plan for me . Our navigators can walk you through the process. Stephen all right, carlos, lets see what theyve got. When we return, the dramatic conclusion of Stephen Colberts i tried to sign up for obamacare. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody, and now the dramatic more of the thing we were watching before the commercial break. Jim . Previously on Stephen Colberts i tried to sign up for obamacare. Stephen when people are denied their health care by obama and they have to face the death panel, do you take them in here and cut them up and feed them the poor . And now the shocking conclusion of Stephen Colberts i tried to sign up for obamacare. cackling Stephen Community organizer Carlos Rodriguez introduce today in my navigator debbie debbie, thanks for talking to me today. Youre welcome. Stephen how did you get into the navigator racket . I was hired by the food bank in january and now were helping people go out and apply for obamacare. Stephen debbie, navigate me. What do we do . So first thing, this is where id ask for i. D. Stephen shouldnt we scrub up before you navigate he . Absolutely not. Stephen i dont want anybody touch mig junk without you know im not examining you. This is just filling out an application. Stephen i dont have to drop trou . Absolutely not. Stephen okay, where can i drop my trou around this place . Were navigating, helping you apply for obamacare. Stephen are you going to wear gloves . I dont need them. Stephen can i wear them if you prefer, sure. Stephen okay. laughter im good. Your your first name again, please . Why do you need to know . Stephen im trying to fill out your application. Stephen you know people are worried Health Care Navigators are scam artists who are going to steal our identities. Identity theft, are you familiar a that . I understand that but. Stephen if i give you my name youre me and suddenly youre sleeping with my wife and driving my audi. What about my wife and aud economy . Whats wrong with them . Theyre wonderful, im sure. I have a certificate that proves im a navigator. Stephen can i see your gun . I dont have a gun. I hope youre not armed. Stephen you asking me if im armed. I want to know if thats part of health care navigation. I know obamacare is coming from our guns. No, its not. Stephen so its okay if im armed. No stephen youre going ask me personal information as we go forward. Correct. Stephen so i might feel uncomfortable at times. I understand that. Stephen why dont we establish a safe word. laughter Pumpkin Patch. If i say Pumpkin Patch that means its getting heavy for me and i need to pull out. Okay, can i have your name please . Stephen Pumpkin Patch. laughter and applause sorry, i panicked. First name is stephen. , is teven . Stephen p. H. Im not an animal. And your middle initial . Stephen tyrone mos def. Do you have a suffix . Stephen i do, its d. F. A. Heavyweight champion of the world featuring oh, theres more . Stephen featuring florida. Rider. Stephen rida. I got that bubble yum bum does obamacare cover bubble yum bums . I dont know what bubble yum bum is. Sorry. And i need your birth date, please. Stephen are you getting me a present . Um, no. Stephen how old would you say i am, debbie . Um, im not very good at guessing ages. Stephen whatever, just guess guess. Best guess. I dont like. Stephen oh, its all just fun its fun i dont like guessing. Stephen ill do you first. Okay. Stephen 64. laughs no. That eke okay. Stephen go, a ahead, youre not going to hurt my feelings. Okay, 30. Stephen very good. I was born in 1983. laughter now youre male, right . Stephen last time i checked. laughs the next thing they ask for is. Stephen im sorry. Are you going to check, by the way . No in the past year, did you change jobs, stop working, start working fewer hours or none of these he . Stephen i won two emmys. Nice. cheers and applause stephen thanks. Just say two hem emmys, write that on the side. Two emmys. Stephen not Everybody Wins two in one year. Okay, ill circle that. What i need you do is sign and date the bottom. Stephen you dont need to know my sexual history . Absolutely not. Stephen youre not the least bit cures you . No. Stephen you want references . No thank you. Stephen phone numbers . No thank you. Stephen i had a threesome once. Okay, thanks. Stephen i said no. Okay, thats good. When you put in your application and get eligibility youll get all of if plans that youre eligible for. Stephen do i get to keep my doctor. Its in the plan that you select, yes. Stephen do i have to stay with my doctor . Because i dont no, you absolutely dont have to. Stephen i dont like my doctor. He stuck his finger up my butt. laughter yeah, way too much. I dont know what he was looking for. He didnt find it. Okay. Good. Stephen it was a surprise to me, you snofrnlts okay. Stephen im just minding my own businesses and he pushes the thong aside and in he goes. You know . Okay. laughter they dont do that to ladies, right . Thats for the guys. Yeah. Stephen thats for the guys . Yes. Okay, would you like to try to put in your. Stephen should i sign it . Yes. Stephen there you go. No, no, no, please, no. We dont write on the computer. Stephen im sorry, my mistake, i apologize. Get her a new computer, please. And this is it, im really signing up right now. Were really doing it. Correct. Stephen okay, thanks debbie, thanks for helping letting us join obamacare. laughter authenticating, please wait. ominous music price is right trombone web page cannot be found obamacare is a train wreck thank you, debbie i dont have Health Insurance. Whoo i dont have Health Insurance hall ha im free no health care for me or my family whoo cheers and applause debbie debbie, carlos cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guests tonight are the first female anchor team in National Television news. Id love to meet the man who hired them. Please welcome Judy Woodruff and gwen ifill cheers and applause hey, judy, good to see you again gep, always great to have you guys back. Obviously Everybody Knows who you guys are. Youre the First Female Team anchoring the news. What did you do with jim lehrers body . laughter why what did he do to deserve to be shunted aside by you two pushy broads. We can tell you, stephen, then wed have to kill you. Stephen the pbs newshour is an hour. Do we need an hour of news every night . laughter the guys over on the networks are doing it and the girls, and diane sawyer theyre doing in the a half hour every night plus commercials and, boom, were watching jeopardy. laughter but you get so much more on the pbs newshour. Stephen what do you get . Well, you get coverage of the days most important stories, whether its health care reform, the Health Care Law that you just spent some time talking about, the keystone pipeline, the whats happened with the drone strikes. Stephen youre talking about indepth. Indepth. Stephen time for indepth. What is the value of indepth and, gwen, you answer in five words of less, please. There is not much value in thats five stephen sorry, there is not much value in indepth. Sorry, thats all we have time for, gwen. See, thats the thing. We never run out of time. Stephen but heres the problem with you two is that youre very level headed. I get information from you. When i watch the news im looking for emotion. Which of you is going to be the conservative, which one is going to be the liberal and what are you going to be fighting over . If you want fighting and you want opinion there are lots of places to go. Our view, stephen, is that our viewers are smart and curious so were going to give them information and let them make up their own minds. I spent a lot of time on College Campuses where students say to me i only watch colbert or i only watch jon stewart and then i tell them you guys watch us to find out whats real. cheers and applause stephen i do, i do watch you guys because im hoping youll take my suggestion of having mark shields and david brooks fight in a pit. laughter that would be exciting. I can tell them. Stephen modern bearbaiting. You guys have both been in the news for a long time. How do you think its changed . You seem to have an older model of news that is news as information not news as entertainment. I dont think its old. I mean, you know, look, we believe that viewers are smart, they can make up their own minds. I think thats a new idea. I think frankly because most of what much of what you see on television today is about opinion. Stephen opinion is also a great pennypincher because you dont to back opinion up with anything. laughter we do this show for 1. 29 an episode. laughter this is cheaper per pound than green beans. I can just make up all the facts i want. You guys, do you fact check the things youll be telling us . Well, when we ask for money thats because we have to pay to get the news. Its a novel idea that we have to go get the news and bring it back and then let people decide. Stephen that brings me to another problem. You guys are in the pocket of big do nateors. laughter because you guys get your money from viewers viewers like you. Stephen viewers like you. Exactly. But what if viewers like them have a scandal. Will you be reporting on viewers like them knowing that they could pull the funding on your snow. If its a scandal that we think affects most people in the country need to know about, sure when b. P. Was dumping oil into the gulf, they were one of our underwriters and every night we would say b. P. Is many of our underwriters, now let me tell you how many barrels of oil went into the gulf today. It didnt stop us from covering the story but it allowed us to cover the story. Stephen do they still underwrite your snow no, actually. laughter and applause stephen interesting. Interesting. Interesting. All right, now im thrilled that we have two female anchors finally giving us the news but, of course, like the highlander, there can be only one. How will you actually back stab each other and become the only anchor. You know, we dont want to do that. Stephen i know you dont want to but its an ugly business. Are you guys friends . Yes. We are friends, we like each other. We respect each other. And look at it this way, stephen think how far the country has come just using half of its talent. Think about how much farther we can go if we use all of the talent. If women are allowed to do what men have done. cheers and applause stephen all right, but am i going to be able to get my man news when i check in with the ladies . Because last night i reported on who would win in a fight between a lion and a tiger. I dont think a woman would report on that. I broke that story, judy. Youre right, youre right. Stephen i fwlek story. Heres the thing. When we got this job we thought it was a natural progression for us. And we were surprised and taken aback by how many women especially young women reacted emotionally about the idea that we are sitting in these chairs so i dont know you, judy, but i feel like ive taken it more seriously since ive been in the chair because i did before. Stephen you should take it more seriously. The pbs newshour has been so silly for so many years. Thank you so much for joining me. Gwen ifill, Judy Woodruff. Always nice to have you on Judy Woodruff, gw cheers and applause stephen thats it for the from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Got a good one for you this evening. My guest tonight column inconsistent Charles Krauthammer is joining us. But first 50 years ago in dallas an assassination that changed sorry i thought we were having a discussion earlier. [cheers and applause] earlier tonight we were having a spirit and interesting discussion. I thought i would make a weighty joke about it. We begin on wall street. Its been five years since the financial collapse that tanked the global economy. While no one has been sent to jail or Community Service or even had a one hour time out in their home or faced the reality of causing a catastrophe maybe its about to change. Jp morgan and the Justice Department have tentatively agreed to a d. L. 13 billion settlement. 13 billion settlement with the government to settle for bad loans. They say