Wilson. Research version developed a breathalyzer for marijuana. And its already been turned into a bong. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen. Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. cheers and applause y thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I dont know what it is. I dont know what it is about this audience. cheers and applause . I dont know what it is about you people, but right now i am fighting a very strong urge to come out there and give you big hugs. cheers and applause folks, i have to tell you at home. These people smell fantastic. applause now, nation as a traditionalist who sees the world with commonsense clarity, these days a lot of our value judgments i believe are just plain wrong. For instance, if we really want to help sick kids, why do we make medicine bottles with childproof caps . laughter am i the only one thinking these things . Keep going. Yeah. laughter well, apparently i am not, because the viewers are always riding me for answers. For instance, are these letters . Lets find out. All right. laughter here we go. Yup. Right there. Yup, this is one. It says, stephen, when are you going to do another one of your inbox segments . Thanks for asking. Right now. laughter applause . cheers folks, tonights feature letter comes to us from stephen c. No, sorry, thats who its addressed to. Anyway, the question s, dear stephen, who would win in a fight, a lion or a tiger . Please say lion. Its important. Timothy daniels, ph. D. , age 46. Great question, timmy. This is a classic rivalry, one of the few ive never weighed in on. Lets look at the facts. Lions hunt in paction. Theyre used to gang fights. While tigers are solitary, hunting alone. I always put my money on the drifter, whether its big cats or bong fights. Thats a clear advantage to the tiger. When it comes to size you might think the lion would win because theyre huge, the second largest member of the cat family. You know whos first . bleep tigers. laughter applause lions, lions, folks, lions can weigh up to 550 pounds while tigers have weigh up to 800. But they dont look it because the vertical stripes are slimming. laughter now, both lions and tigers have tails, so thats a wash. But the tigers life span is 10 to 15 years, while the lions is a mere 10 to 14 years. laughter so if it comes down to it, the tiger can just wait the lion out. Now, both have been turned into cartoon characters, so thats a tie. By the way, its okay when they call each other tiger, but you should not. applause not cool. Please. cheers and applause but tigers have almost twice the bite force, theyre much faster, so clearly its no contest. If a lion fought a tiger, tiger would win paws down. Theyve got the size, theyve got strength, theyve got the stripes. And now theyve got the colbert bump. applause beside, tim, you have ever heardave cowardly tyinger . No. laughter sorry, lion, you may be king of the jungle, but tigers are king of wherever tigers live. Cereal aisle . I dont know. Thats for tiger versus lion. Now tiger woods versus lionel richie. Thats a whole other segment of the inbox. cheers and applause folks, they say you cant make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. I say theyve never tried my western scrunch scrambler. This is thought for food. You know, im always on the lookout for innovations and fast foods. Thats why i was so excited by this new concept in eating quickly. Whats that . Kfsk gocup. That looks better than this. 1031 in progress. You take this. Stephen chicken and fries together in a cup . This is going to revolutionize the way i eat meet. If youre wondering what a 1031 in progress means the california Highway Patrol says its an attempted suicide. Which laughter applause we looked it up. We looked it up. Which, intentally, is how the u. S. D. A. Classifies the gocup. laughter applause brubut as excited asthis ad madw potato and poultry big gulp, the k. F. C. Sales department has nothing on the integrate the marketing geniuses at fox news. K. F. C. Releasing gocups holding the entire combo meals, chicken and fries in easy reach. Good idea. Revolutionary cup is made to fit inside your cars cup holder. Stephen and the fox and friends Product Placement did not stop there. They were joined on the comfy couch by a talking drummed stick. laughter applause folks, the gocup is a good idea, but it could be gooder. Last time i checked, the cup holder is still an arms length away from the old grubchute, and its not like you can put the gocup between your legs. Thats where the tub of ben jerrys goes. All the, effective birth control. Chills down the swirms. Folks, tonight, i am proud to introduce my own better idea, k. F. C. s wheel meat. laughter applause yes. The wheel meat. Its a onepiece circular macronugget that mounts snugly on to your steering column. You get two sauces hone mustard on the left, and barbecue on the right. And your chicken gets soft through the natural course of turning. And remember, its hands at 10 and 2, mouth at 12. laughter when its time for dejert de t ram into a telephone pole because your airbag is now apple pie. cheers and applause . Next up, as a proud male grocery shopper im shocked by a new article in the wall street journal the report that men are doing a greater share of the Grocery Shopping and meal preparation. Even more shock this is not an article from 1952. laughter the good lets call it news is that the Food Industry is taking notice. Just how manly is your food . Theyre injecting testosterone fuel marketing into their brand. One of my favorites is powerful yogurt. They felt the yogurt section felt overly female. You can see the bull horns promoting protein. Stephen yup, bulls horns. This yogurt is extra manly because evidently its made from bull milk. laughter applause very difficult to acquire. But the bull will thank you. applause powerful yogurt, folks, powerful yogurt is just one of the many products targeted at a new breed of male shoppers that marketers are calling manfluencers. I can tell you, theyre very man flewential. They also manfluenced me into thinking manfluence is a word. And the testosterone does not stop with the macho color schemes. Marketers are rebranding products with manfriendly names like killer bread, and ultimate hamburger helper. Although, this fthey really wanted to bro it up, theyd call it hamburger shopper. Well be r cheers and applause stephen welcome back. As you know, anybody who watches this show is well aware christmas is my favorite holiday. I always get my Christmas Shopping done early. That way by Christmas Morning ive completely forgotten what i bought myself. laughter dont tell me i got me an asparagus steamer. I want to be surprised. Also, i am regifting it from an old gift i got me because who wants an aspar bus steamer . The best surprise of all, folks is to be able to get a gift from the famous neiman bleep Neiman Marcus christmas book. Known for its lavish gifts past catalogs have featured his and her bowling alley, and a 35,000 dragon topiary. Its the Perfect Place to find a gift for that perfect who has everything except taste. laughter this year, this year, folks, theres something for everyone, including my news falcon eagleton. The 150,000 falconry companion with transport case, falcon hoodhoods and goldplated perch including a granite base for indoor use because youre going to want to have your falcons indoors. How else is he going to fetch me the remote . laughter folks thats not even the best gift in here. Christmas is three months away now, but Neiman Marcus, they have already gotten in the holiday spirit praul, you can design your own diamond ring. But not only, that you get to travel to africa to see where this gentlemen actually came from. The cost of that little adventure, 1. 9 million. Stephen for 1. 9 million you goat travel to africa to see where your diamond came, from or for 2 million, you get to not see where it came from. laughter its all called the forevermark ultimate diamond experience. And its described as a onceinalifetime adventure including firstclass tickets to windhoek, namibia. Dinner with the de beers c. E. O. And Philippe Mellier and time aboard a diamond mining vessel. Just like diamonds, the memory of what you witness in namibia will last forever. Information i have to admit, 1. 9 million may not be within everyones grasp. Luckily, ive teamed up with prescott freshes stones to offer a diamond adventure at half the cost. For just 1 million you can enjoy the colbert upickem blood diamond experience. laughter complauz it begins with being whisked away cheers whisked away in the defend night to our exclusive mine in an undisclosed location in the congalese bush where you get the most immersive gem stone experience money can buy. Youll spend all day and night surround by gems. Youll be practically buried in diamonds. Plus youll receive roundtheclock handson guidance from our Quality Assurance team. And your kids can join in the fun, too, by exploring our diamond adventure play shafts. Theres always more fun down there, kids. Just keep digging for it. Make no mistake, the colbert upickem blood diamond experience is so unique, youll never want to leave which is good. Well be right back. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is sitting over there. I should go talk to him. Please welcome a. Scott berg cheers and applause whooo im sorry. I didnt mean to psyche you out there. Sometimes they deserve double dips over there. This is a great crowd tonight. Sir, youre awe pulitze pulitzer prizewinning author. I am. Stephen you have written about lindberg and katharine hepburn. You have a new one here. Its called wilson this is woodrow wilson, right . It is woodrow wilson. Stephen why wilson . Were all the good president s taken at this point . Why not polk or buchanan. All except the best president. Stephen wilson, woodrow wilson. I think hes the most influential figure of the 20th century. Stephen hitler was very influential, too, sir. Was he the best president germany ever had . Some say. Stephen some say . Really, really, a. Scott berg . What does the a stand for, adolf . A stands for andrew. Let me tell you abouted with row. This is a man who created a domestic agenda we still live with today, eighthour work days, women with the vote. Stephen of course they had eighthour work days in 1913. They didnt have 5 hour energy back then. They couldnt hack it like we can now. True enough. And all our Foreign Policy today, for good or for bad, comes from woodrow wilson. Stephen how about for the bad . laughter heres my problem with wilson hes a progressive. He is the first great progressive democrat. He is, and got elected twice for it. Stephen he ran the first time saying he was going to keep us out of world war i. Then got reelected and brought intows world war i. laughter he realized he had to do that. Stephen uhhuh, he had to lie to the american people. He was stephen admit, he lied to the american people. No, he was telling the truth. Stephen see, im a kaiser fan. Im a kaiser fan. Seriously. Historically germ an youre saying that youre saying the kaiser should not have respond forward the assassination of Franz Ferdinand . Thats what youre saying . Thats appeasement. No, no, he should respond. The question was, what should the United States do about it . Stephen well the United States went in to fight for the frogs and the limeys. Thats what we did. World war ii, great war. World war i, huge mistake. Well well. Stephen and wilson got us in. He did get us in. He thought there was a moral component that should be part of american Foreign Policy. Stephen tow destroy germany so hitler would come to power . Negotiate the idea was to look after the little nations and the nation being picked on. And wilson felt that with greatness, such as the United States had, comes a certain amount of responsibility. Stephen heres my biggest problem. Lets put Foreign Policy aspiepped lets talk domestic. This is the bastard who started the federal reserve. laughter who pushed for a graduated income tax. How you can possibly defend a man who started the fed which is controlled by the illuminati, and an income tax this is the guy who is crippling us with printed money. Well stephen thank you, thank you. A member of the Bull Moose Party still here. laughter . Woodrow wilson, this is a man who wanted to level the playing dispeeld he thought this was a way to do it. He thought this was a way to make a fairer country. Stephen thats called redistribution of wealth. It is just that. Stephen thats class warfare. It is. Stephen thats class trench warfare. Yeah. Do you think that was the right thing for him to do . The question is not whether i think that. Stephen its your book. Its your book. Well stephen i already said its not the right thing to do and if youre not saying it is the right thing to do i will win every argument. I want readers to come to their own conclusion. Stephen what kind of a book is that. Its a think for yourself kind of book. Book. Stephen a think for yourself kind of book. Okay, wilson also tried to get us into the league of nations. He did. Stephen thats the protolike baby step united nations. It is. Stephen he was willing to give up american sovereignty, also. Wouldnt say he wanted to go that far. Stephen of course you wouldnt. You liked him. He believed we should be tbhork cons concert with other nations. He did. He had a very strange notion that we should all sit down at a table before we go to war and maybe we could stop it before the war breaks out. That was his notion. Stephen what was this guys dispeerns before he was president of the United States . Well, it was academia. He was a College Professor and then a college president. Stephen ivory tower. Well, except, even there, he was trying to level the Playing Field within the ivory tower. He was trying to make it less of an ivory tower. Stephen what school did he go it . That was princeton university. Stephen princeton university. Has it leveled out since then. Every smart man and smart woman. Stephen can guto princeton . Yes. laughter applause cheers and applause stephen i like your style. Whats going to be the Lasting Legacy of wilson . Is there anything in obama that we see from wilson . Well i think there are a lot of things we see in obama, although i think he could take a few pages out of of the wilson playbook, and that is have more of a conversation with the congress and with the country for that matter. Stephen i understand that wilson actually put the idea of nationalized health care on the table 100 years ago. This was something that first came up. Stephen so, really, obamacare is a discussion that started 100 years ago. Almost every progressive idea came up with woodrow wilson. Stephen what was wilsons balmcare web site like . Was it any better back in 1913 . I think at this point, steam power might be better than what we have. I think it worked better, but you know, were going to get this fixed. I think. laughter stephen well, we shall see. Thank you so much. A. Scott berg. cheers and applause . The book is wilson. Well be right back. cheers a cheers and applause . Stephen thats if for the report, everybody. Good night. cheers captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org School Bell Rings charlie here comes my main man, matty. Time for a haircut, matty, though. Dont make me give it to you. You the man, professor. Youre the man if you stay in school, jj. All right. All right, you. Lisa, hows the gpa . Keep it up, up, up, up, up professor hey, theres my man. Oh, timeout, son hang on, son