You have a higher opinion of congress or dog poop. Will the stephen tonight, did a congressional candidate violate election laws . Even more shocking, we have election laws . laughter then, twitter prepares for its i. P. O. Hashtag i dont know what an i. P. O. Is. laughter my guest tom hanks stars in the new film captain phillips. Hes a hero who saves the day using a particular type of screwdriver. The congressional Business Center is still open during the shutdown. Wow it is really hard to get out of a gym membership. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen hey audience chanting stephen whoo whoo welcome to the report, everybody good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, as you know it is day nine of the Government Shutdown and you know what they say no news is good news so good news. laughter yesterday obama actually held another hourlong press conference to say once again he wont negotiate. So Speaker John Boehner had his own press conference. The central argument is this are we going to sit down and have a conversation or arent we . Theres no reason to make it more difficult to bring people to the table. Theres no pwoupb reis here. Theres nothing on the table, theres nothing off the table. Stephen that is a leader with a clear goal i want a table laughter but but. cheers and applause but while theres been no movement in d. C. , there isnt Movement Towards d. C. Angry truckers headed to washington, d. C. As part of a threeday protest called the truckers ride for the constitution. Its expected to tie up three lanes of traffic around i495 around the nations capital. Stephen thats right, truckers are pledging to drive around the beltway for three days in what theyre called ride for the constitution. And then, presumably, pop dexedrine for the declaration of independence. laughter and pee into gatorade bottles for the gettysburg address. cheers and applause now, folks, i of all the people out there i get these guys because they get me in fact, theyve got me on their web site. laughter theyre using this actual painting called Stephen Colbert atop an eagle by artist jason heuser. I believe its paint by number and that number u. S. A. Number one. cheers and applause and why are they doing this . Well, as explained by ride for the constitutions leader country zinger zeeda andrews, they have a simple easily attained goal. Um, we what we want is we want the president of the United States removed from office. laughter . Stephen thats right. President obama will be so immobilized by the d. C. Traffic jam that he will have no choice but to resign. I mean, really what option does he have . Fly over it in some kind of gyroscopic skycar . laughter mark my words mark my words, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be good. Or better yet, mark the words of spokes trucker peter santilli. Put a hundred Million People out on the road with Truck Drivers lawfully, constitutionally, there will be literally the largest traffic jam in the history of mankind as far as were concerned. Its got that potential. You heard them say a hundred million. Theyre going to start smaller. Theyre going to start with 3,000 arriving in d. C. On friday morning. Stephen yeah, 3,000 friday morning. By friday afternoon a hundred million. laughter youve got to ramp up. Folks, let me get out my old c. B. Radio and put my ears on. laughter all right. cheers and applause all right, breaker breaker 19, this is big daddy truck nuts here come on back. I want every freight shaker, coal bucket and wiggle wagon throughout to roll on bull city friday for a threelane brake check until we deliver a truckload of kenya back to his home 1020. Also dingdong on the flippity flop drop two over easy and put some sea covers on toad the wet sprocket. This is big daddy truck nuts over and out, come on. cheers and applause nation, i salute these truckers for taking the extra step to make congressional gridlock into actual gridlock. laughter and i believe that we can all follow in their mud flaps. Just as they are, do what you do but do in the a way that inconveniences thousands of others. laughter and together we can make things bleep for freedom. cheers and applause nation, you watch this show, you know ive always been a huge fan of the twitter. From its Humble Beginnings as a place to promote Ashton Kutchers trucker hat to its current global stature as a place to promote Ashton Kutchers facial hair. I even received the firstever golden tweet from twitter founder biz stone for the most retweeted tweet of 2010. In your face in your face dalai lama what was your best tweet from 2010 . In human relations, compassion contributes to promoting peace and harmony. Hashtag loser. laughter thats why i am so excited about the latest twitter news. Twitter causing the whole world toll go atwitter. Wall street abuzz, the tech world abuzz about its one billion dollar i. P. O. Plan. The most anticipated i. P. O. Of the year. The i. P. O. Is expected to be the most desirable since facebooks debut last may. Stephen yes and i made 2 million on facebook by not investing 3 million in facebook. laughter and, folks, this i. P. O. Is going to be huge. As one of the worlds top tweetmen, i am sure to rake in the cash because i have over five million followers, several of which are not ukrainian porn bots. laughter so if you just take those five million followers that ive got, okay, and you divide that by a billion dollar i. P. O. , then multiply that by the amount of i get paid per tweet, i am set to line my pockets with whistles lets just say its a lot of sere roes. laughter so, folks, its no wonder all the smart money on wall street is on twitter because so is the dumb money. Looks like everyone is cashing in on twitters i. P. O. Even other companies. Stock in Electronics Retailer tweeter soared more than 1,500 on friday. Apparently some investors bought the shares of that company thinking they were buying twitter. laughter . Stephen meaning the investors in tweeter flushed all their money down the sheeter. laughter and applause now, folks, all this heat on twitter is because its where all the hippest, happeningest trendsetters go to speak their minds. Im talking, of course, about jesus christ. laughter you see, in an attempt to appeal to the young lings vatican cardinal and president of the Pontifical Council for culture Gianfranco Ravasi said christ used tweetses with everyone else with phrases made up of 45 characters such as love one another. Of course jesus tweeted luv 1anthr yolf omm. cheers and applause you see . You young people young folks, Giovanni Ribisi here is just saying that jesus is into the same cool things you are. He invented twitter because he spoke in short sentences just like eve was the first to play fruit ninja. laughter but remember, jesus never made any money so he and twitter have the exact same business model. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause stephen cheers and applause welcome back, everybody, thanks so much folks, you know the midterm elections are over a year away but candidates are already out there campaigning for jobs in a government that no longer exists. laughter folks, this is a sad time for me because my favorite representative minnesota congresswoman and piano teacher who sits to close to you Michele Bachmann laughter . Is not running for reelection. audience reacts she will be missed, i know, shes a true conservative with a vision of our countrys future. Or possible of a coat rack or a bird. I could never tell what she was looking at. Fortunately, folks, theres a candidate out there for her seat who may be able to fill her shoes. Tom emmer. Hes prolife, profamily, prostates rights and as you can see from this ad, definitely probusiness. When the storm settles, theres only one clear choice. Integrity exteriors and remodelers. My name is tom emmer and im running for congress in minnesotas sixth congressional district. If youre looking for someone to do remodeling, siding, or general construction, residential or commercial, i can tell you without qualification you need to call the folks at integrity exteriors and remodelers. Theyre the best. Stephen wow laughter i dont know what tom emmers platform is but i know whos going to build it. laughter now why i dont understand why didnt anyone think of combining ads for politicians with commercial endorsements years ago . Possibly because its kind of extremely illegal. laughter according to the Campaign Legal center, a commercial that runs as a paid advertisement on television will be a clear violation of federal election law and illegal corporate inkind contribution to a candidate for a federal office in the form of a coordinated ad. Coordinated . I dont know. laughter first of all, hes not telling you to vote for him. Hes just telling you to call integrity remodelers. You need to call the folks with integrity exteriors and remodelers. Stephen and then he never gives you the phone number. laughter does that sound coordinated to you . And, folks, i have to tell you, this socalled controversy is clearly just another conspiracy by big liberal media. This time in the form of smalltown minnesota blogger Sally Jo Sorensen who spotted the ad during a local backyard wrestling show called sunday shock wave. laughter by the way, if you are backyard wrestling and your head is driven through the side of the house, there is no Better Company to fix it than integrity exteriors and remodeling. cheers and applause besides, emmers campaign had a perfectly good explanation saying it was not toms intention for this testimonial to be used in a broadcast capacity or advertisement for the campaign. Yes, he was just innocently standing in front of the camera under the lights wearing a microphone thinking he was doing something more reputable, like porn unintentional advertising happens all the time. In fact, i remember this one time hey, mr. Colbert. Stephen hey, brendan, now was the big game . Not so good, mr. Colbert, i kind of ran out of energy. Stephen sounds like you need to drink some more sunny d. laughter sunny d is packed with vitamins and minerals and the bold intense taste kids just love. Radical stephen hey, you know who else drinks sunny d . New jersey governor chris christie. Isnt that right, chris . Everyday i hope you can see how much i love being the governor of the state where i was born and raised. laughter i love you, mr. Colbert. Stephen i know. cheers and applause so hats off to mr. Tom emmer for showing us a brand new way to crosspromote candidates and products. Thanks to this ad, i will forever associate your campaign with things that need major renovation. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause h i e]c cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is tom hanks. Please welcome tom hanks cheers and applause hey, tom good to see you again, thanks for coming back. Always nice to have you in the house. Always good to be here, stephen. Stephen tom, before we get started, lets take a look at your new movie captain phillips. Okay. You had a plan, captain, you had a plan to take my ship and that didnt work out so your buddy could take me and make a run to somalia . Youve got to give up. Youve got to stop. I cant stop the navy is not going to let you win. They cant let you win. They would rather sink this boat than let you get me back to somalia. Its over i come too far. I cant give up. No. cheers and applause now, which one were you in that scene . laughter and applause because youre that good. I was the one steering the lifeboat. Like this throughout. Stephen you grew a goatee for this film. Is that a goatee . It is a van dyke . Stephen it could be. Im not sure what it is. Stephen you look like your evil twin a little bit. Are you a good guy or bad guy in this movie . Ill leave that for the srobgs pop lie to decide. Stephen really . Its possible youre a bad guy in the movie . Is it a derig goure that if you have a goatee you have been cloned and you are a lesser version of yourself and are, in fact, the evil spot with a more defined chin and a little better jaw muscle . Thats what you get when you grow one of those things. Stephen it does something to your muscles . It took muscles for you to grow a beard . laughter listen, i had to dye those hairs gray for so many hours that i dont even laughter . Stephen now, this movie is about pirates. Hijackers, pirates, yes. Stephen whats the difference . Pirates have tricorner hats. laughter and much goofier shirts. Stephen from what ive seen its not like your johnny depp pirate. Little different. Stephen these are somali pirates. These are somali robbers. These are people that are going to steal the ship so they can get money, become rich, get chicks, buy cars and not be killed by the war lords that are essentially forcing them to do this for a living. Stephen now does this movie have a social conscience, a lot of movies youve done especially big oscar winners have been trying to change peoples hearts and minds. Any chances this going to change the hearts and minds of people in shol ya about pirating . I think for the musical numbers. Through some of the songs and dances it might. laughter . Stephen really . Hi didlley dee paul green grass, united 93 the bourne films bloody sunday he goes off and captured an aspect of somalia that might not be the standard version of what we would like to assume would be very easy bad guys to hate. Its a wartorn place of corruption and hopelessness and what is more dangerous than a young man with a gun and with nothing to lose . Thats more or less the stature of the four guys that hijacked this ship. Stephen you actually shot this on on film. laughter stephen on film. Good. Yes, we did, sir. Stephen laughs a lot of people are doing movies with just sketch artists. But you did it on one of the big phaersing ships, right . Off of malta in the mediterranean sea. Like 650 foot vessels. I think its like 533 but stacked with all the cargo, and they had to do that specifically. Stephen these guys just come out and essentially like a boston whaler. This is interesting because it had never happened prior to 2009 because the ships are can go far, relatively fast, and have very high hulls and pirates, hijackers, could not get on board except for these guys with the went to home depot and bought a ladder. laughter . Stephen really . They have achieved Ladder Technology in somalia . They have. Thats right. Stephen but heres what i dont understand is that you guys the original captain, captain phillips, they used hoses to try to like literally like fire hoses to blow them off. Yes. Stephen this is an enormous boat with billions of dollars worth of cargo. Peanuts, tennis shoes, b. M. W. S, t. V. S. Stephen they cant afford a single gun . There are no guns on the ship. They are not allowed. They werent allowed at the time by international law. You cannot bring firearms into an International Port on a commercial cargo vessel. Stephen theres no Second Amendment at sea. Thats what youre saying. Let me put it this way, there is in somalia where everybody has a gun. Stephen as the star of the movie, how long did you spend going out to sea on this ship . Everyday. Stephen stphoupbg. Oh, from dawn to dusk. Stephen how many days . laughter is there some secret here you dont want me to snow theres a twomonth gap in your life you dont want people to know about on malta. Im gonna say two months, you know. Better part of ten weeks. Stephen a guy like you at this point, cant you go to some big green sound stage and point at tennis balls glued to the wall and say look, pirates, theyre coming in fact, theres a cdrom of all the information you need. You enter into the code and my hands will move any way you want me to, my eyes with well you have with tears at the punch of a button. Stephen can i get that . laughter ive got some movies id like to put tom hanks in. Would you rather do something fiction or nonfiction . I was watching it with somebody who didnt know it was ale a real story. Id like ive always been interested in nonfiction. I started reading it very young and i thought what really happened by and large is more interesting than anything you can say. Even, like, reading like Fiction Books but set in nonfiction areas like in cold blood or leon you are reus novels. Stephen the da vinci code. Ripped right out of the days realities. You take a map around, youve got da vinci code. Thats all you need. Stephen when you go to rome do people in churches go please get out . laughter well, tom, thank you so much for joining me. Tom hanks, the movie is captain phillips. Well be right back. cheers and cheers and applause . Stephen well, thats it for the report, everybody