cheers and applause hey thank you so much welcome to the report, thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen thank you so much. Thank you, folks, thank you for being here. Thank you for braving the marauding gangs and packs of wild dogs that now rule the night in america laughter because as of midnight last night the government of the United States officially closed for business. Finally a chance to use our famous nationbuilding skills right at home. laughter and jimmy, tell the folks what else weve won. The federal government has shut its doors for the first time in nearly two decades. The landmark monuments and museums in washington, d. C. Will be shut down. I. R. S. Tax refunds will be suspended. New home loans from the federal Housing Administration wont be processed. The nations 400 National Parks will be shut down. Virtually all of nasa will go dark. Employees at the e. P. A. , the Environmental Protection agency which regulates the quality of our air and water, they could lose 94 of its work force. Stephen no e. P. A. . Okay, well, time to dump some old house paint down the storm drain laughter there we go. There we go. laughter this will take a second. Sorry. There you go. cheers and applause sorry. Sorry, dolphins. You had a good run. laughter you know what . Water used to be blue until i dumped this bleep in there. There you go. Now, folks, the federal government may be shuttered, but the colbert nation is alive and well. cheers and applause and i am proud and prepared to fill the power vacuum as you are lord of the afterscape cheers and applause urlord lord of the afterscape. Bow before me bring me tributes of sheep and unsoiled daughters i also accept visa laughter i will seize all government functions. Who needs the f. D. A. . Just send me your drugs. Ill test them for you. laughter for instance, these right here belong to these belong to brenda, my stage manager. laughter cheers and applause i will let her know in 14 days if i love late. laughter if i ovulate. Im feeling a little tender. Of course, not all services are so easily replaced. Also dark, the National Zoos panda cam. The volunteers who run the camera are not allowed on zoo property while the shutdown is in effect. Stephen well, that one really hits home but dont worry, i got that one covered, too. Jay, come on out here, everybody. Jay the intern, everybody. cheers and applause jay. Jay, hows the bamboo taste. I lost a tooth. Stephen well, choke it down, mei pang, you will need your strength for mating. What . Im going to mate with a lady panda . Stephen not a lady panda, jay. laughter jay, back in the cage, america is watching. Come on, chopchop. Come on, lets get going. cheers and applause go, go dont forget to display your hand quarters. He likes that. laughter folks, despite the total failure of our government to perform its most basic function, theres also some bad news obamacare is here and the obamacare Horror Stories are rolling in. The obamacare bumpy start already. Error messages, glitches in the first few hours. Stephen some individual states are experiencing even more severe glitches. If you tried to sign up in new jersey this morning you were told that the entire system was down the federally run site for Obamacare Exchanges in 36 states is posting error messages because it can not handle the volume of traffic. Stephen too many people signing up is always the surest sign that nobody wants it. laughter but even if, folks, even if the signup process works perfectly, fox host susteren van greta knows that this socalled health care for everyone will leave people behind. If i dont have a computer, what about me . There is a callin call center for folks who would prefer to do it over the phone and there are also inperson assisters, people called navigators who sort of teamed up with community organizations, churches, organizations like that to offer in person. Stephen where do i go . How do i know . Its like i dont have a clue. They thats sort of the easiest way to find out where to go is health care. Gov. So i need a computer stephen oh, so the Affordable Health care act requires everyone to buy a computer. laughter which you cant even order online without, you guessed it, a computer. laughter so now i need two computers . laughter welcome to Obamas America there was some other way to sign up . What was that . There is a callin a call center for folks who would prefer to do it over the phone. Stephen the phone . You mean mr. Bells demon box . laughter how am i supposed to navigate this infernal contraption . I dont have a clue i mean, look at these numbers. Why is there even a hashtag button down here . laughter are we supposed to tweet our Health Problems now . laughter hashtag thunder junk. Great. Now everybody in america knows i have that chronic thunder junk. laughter clearly just signing up for this boondoggle is a cask aesque labyrinth wrapped in an m. C. Escher painting trapped in one of those clam shell headphone packages. I will see you in hell, panasonic laughter but, folks, all is not lost. There is one last hope for defeating obamacare. Theres a message war under way and the target is healthy young people. So if young people dont sign up for obamacare, for insurance on the insurance exchanges when it opens, when they open october 1, the law is going to be in real trouble. They need these people. They need their premiums to cover those who are sicker and have higher costs. Stephen yes. Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. Its a devious con that can only be described as insurance. laughter so, folks, the battle comes down to who can win over the young. And the president is trolling for our kids on the internet. The white house is tweeting photos of hamsters and pandas, rebranding it as the adorable care act. Its a social Media Campaign called the adorable care act features pictures of these cute little animals alongside messages of support for the health care law. That one, i believe, is a mouse. It could be a hamster, i dont know. Stephen it could be a mouse, it could be a hamster, i dont know. Thanks to obamacare, it could be a rat that had gerbil reassignment surgery. laughter who knows . Sick stuff. Sick stuff. Folks, i am shocked that democrats are engaged in this crude emotional manipulation theyre usually not this good at it. laughter so tonight i have started a campaign im calling the abominable care act featuring ugly animals revealing the true dangers of obamacare. For instance, i pick my own doctor and he cut off my balls, thanks, obamacare laughter fortunately im not the only one out here fighting back against the scourge of Affordable Health care for everyone. Theres also generation opportunity, a Political Group for young people funded by the koch brothers. The kbrahs bros before h. M. O. S laughter the kochs go with youth like Peanut Butter goes with ensuring. laughter whats up . Generation opportunity is spearheading a campaign encouraging youth to opt out of obamacare. As the groups president youth raps to the street kids what were trying to communicate is, no, youre actually not required to buy Health Insurance, you might have to pay a fine but thats going to be cheaper for you and better for you. Yes its going to be cheaper and better for you not only do you get to pay a fine, you also dont get insurance its like renting instead of buying and then not getting a place to live laughter and to reach the young lings, genop is hosting College Football tailgate parties and passing out beer koozies that read opt out. This is a great idea. Because why would a drunk College Student ever need Health Insurance . laughter audience reacts well be right back though im not sure about this guy. laughter stephen hola. You just caught me celebrating hispanic culture. Im wearing mexicos official hat and the Traditional Mexican area rug with the hole cut in it. laughter and im heating up un muy siete once. laughter hey hey, thats really bleep ing hot laughter you know what . Wow laughs that is much hotter than we rehearsed that would go great with un gulpo mass grande. Its such a rich culture. Himmy, play me some mexican music to get me over to the desk. Come on shake your body baby do that conga i know you cant control yourself any longer stephen you see, folks, i am celebrating my latino hermanos and hismanos even more than usual because it is hispanic heritage month which runs from september 15 to act 15. Yes, even their heritage month jumped the border. laughter when will we finally build the fence . Folks, National Hispanic heritage month goes all the way back to 1968 when it was first approved by famous latinoamerican president leendon yonson. laughter and my friends over at fox news have really taken their hispanic heritage festivities up a notch this year by having some. Jim . Lets start the celebration. Mexico is not a friend to the u. S. A. Los angeles county set to pay 650 million in Welfare Benefits this year to illegals who have children. Illegal aliens are destroying that state. Heinous crimes committed by illegal aliens occur regularly. Instead of calling them illegals, lets call them occupiers or trespassers or invaders or squatters. audience reacts . Stephen oh, im sorry that was wrong footage. I mean, some of that is from way back in september of this september. laughter jimmy, show them the new latino heritage honoring fox news. Goya foods is a thirdgeneration familyrun billiondollar operation. A lot of people just know them for their rice and beans. Youll find goya products just about everywhere. Thank you for that wonderful report from the International Foods aisle. laughter i look forward to fox news report on italian heritage featuring chef boyardee. laughter all this month, ladies and gentlemen, fox news has been loaded with moving tributes to latino culture. An estimated 100,000 children of 60,000 undocumented parents received aid in l. A. County. Stephen did you catch that . Chris wallace was talking about the offspring of undocumented immigrants and his graphic reads children of the corn. audience reacts folks, thats just hispanic heritage. Either because they pick corn or they eat a lot of corn or because that movie about a cult of children who murder every adult in town. Its still a compliment because hispanic kids murder everyone for half the price. laughter fox news, bravo that is an hispanic word, i dont know what it means but you get one. And i look forward to your next round of flattering characterizations of hispanic kids like nacho chips off the ole block and mexican humping beans. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight stars in the movie kill your darlings about a young beat poet. Ill pretend to understand him more than i actually do. Please welcome Daniel Radcliffe cheers and applause hey, daniel good to see you. Sit down thank you stephen super excited to have you on. Thank you. Stephen thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Ive been a fan for a while. Stephen ive been a fan of yours since you were just the height you are now, actually. Exactly. I was going to say. Stephen i was expecting a spurt at the end and it never came. Werent we all. Stephen you starred in the eight harr ary potter films and youre like maybe one of the most famous people in the world right now. cheers and applause but now you have you branched out of the films, youve done equus youve done how to suck sneed business without really trying. Are you afraid of being pigeon hold as a young attractive successful dancer who can also sing and dance . Does that worry you to be pigeon holed as a triple threat . That keeps me up at night. No one wants to be thought of as that. Im flattered youve noticed all the other things. Stephen im not saying im stalking you. laughter no, no. It would be fine if you were, though, i wouldnt that would be okay. Stephen thats very generous. So few of my guests say that. laughter i thought id offer you to opportunity to stalk me. Its why i came here. I thought we could talk about this. Stephen that would be beautiful. You really stretched in this latest project. Youre actually playing a Alan Ginsburg. Yes, as unlikely as that sounds. Stephen exactly. Jim, can we put up a picture of Alan Ginsburg, please. audience reacts thats Alan Ginsburg right there. Yeah. Stephen i see it, i totally see it. applause for the people who dont know who Alan Ginsburg is, tell the folks. Alan ginsburg was part of the beat generation of poets which is a very influential kind of school of movement of american writers in the 20th century. That kind of school of thought was that they could it was quite a they took excitement in the nihilism of what they were doing and the idea of tearing everything down that had gone before and starting fresh like this was year one. Stephen they were antiamerican, really. They were antiamerican. No, they were because they were questioning the moral and social order with their work. But thats great, isnt it . Isnt it good to question things. Stephen no, it wasnt because it was the 1950s. Everything was perfect. Eisenhower, everyone was straight, white, and male. laughter and these guys were questioning it and questioning the bomb and questioning americas place in the world and what we meant by our society. Stephen . Well, this film also bricks into your your assertion that everyone. In this era was straight. Stephen they were. They were. They were. They were. Yeah. I think the beat poets invented being gay. laughter um i they certainly enjoyed it but laughter . I dont i certainly dont they can claim to have invented it. Im afraid to break it to you. This has been going on for years. laughter stephen really . Yes stephen so, like, the depression . There were through all that. I imagine thats how a lot of people i imagine it piss add lot of people off. Stephen keep a stiff upper lip, as they say. laughter let me ask you something. I noticed that a lot of actors are english people. laughter now, are a lot of people are actors, however you want to cut that. Its true. Stphaou why is it . Is it an attempt to get over the speech impediment. laughter because you do an american accent with this guy, right . Yeah. Yeah. No, i can ive learned to speak properly over here. Stephen you have we have a clip of you talking talking right. laughter hows your yates . Have you read a vision . Never heard of it. Oh, its completely brilliant. And impossible. If you said that life is round, they were stuck on this wheel of living and dying and endless circle until someone breaks it. You walked in here, you rupture it had pattern. Bang the whole world gets wider. How did you a reiteration of themes. Are you a writer . 6 stephen wow. cheers and applause that was also my american hair, you notice in that clip as well. Stephen it was, yeah. laughter whats your hope for an american accent . What do you say to get you started . You know what . I didnt i think because i spent a lot of time around americans growing up on the harry potter set my kind of generic american accent is based on Chris Columbus who directed the first two films. And also as a kid in england you are kind of sufficient fused with american culture. Like if i was playing with soldiers as a kid or action people i would give them american accents. Stephen really. laughs really . Because our army knows how to kick ass . Well, to be honest, there is a stephen as a typical american weve gone into iraq, its a huge mistake is that you doing an english person doing an american . Stephen thats my impression of an english person doing an american accent. I dont want to get into the harry potter thing too much here. Thats fine. Dont worry. Stephen legally i have to at one point i have to say youre a wizard, harry. laughter thats it. Im done. Im done now. Im done now. Because ive had i had elijah wood sitting in that exact same seat. Blocking your view the exact same way. Stephen the exact same height. We have a mark on the wall. laughter and do you think you could take anymore a fight . laughter do you think you could take elijah wood in a fight . Im not calling him out or anything. So i dont you know what, yes yes, i can cheers and applause stephen are you going to take that, elijah . Daniel radcliffe, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you stephen Daniel Radcliffe, everybody. Kill your darlings. Well be right back. Rs andeers and xc b ,xx ra ptioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org stephen thats it for the im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor