Stephen the United States has no choice but to attack syria because dictator Bashar Alassad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before he was just killing them with bullets, but if america cared about shooting people, wed be invading chicago. [laughter] now, folks. [cheering and applause] this story. This story is slowly developing. We will have more on it one assumes. [laughter] but first, folks. [laughter] [engine revs] [cheering and applause] oh, hi. You just caught me practicing my favorite pastime, motoring. I dont really go anywhere. I just start the fuelinjected v8 under my desk and breath in the fumes. Of course, what would american motoring be without General Motors, which was the [bleeped]. By the way, this is. This is what happens when you take off your actual glasses. [laughter] and put on goggles. Which was founded and the subject of the 73rd installment of my 434part series, better know a district. Tonight michigans 5th, the fightin 5th. Of course, michiganders identify locations in their state by where it sits on the michigan mitten. The 5th lies right here in what science refers to as the thumb crotch. [laughter] now, many people know the 5th from Michael Moores 1989 comery about flint michigan, roger me, which was followed by his other famous films fahrenheit 911 me, sicko me and capitalism a love story me, me, me in its heydey, flints General Motors plant produced such classic cars such as the 53 corvette, which now sells for as much as 215,000, or for the same price, you can now buy flint. Of course, most people remember General Motors for its popular mr. Goodwrench ad campaign. I wonder whatever happened to that guy. He had so much promise. [cheering and applause] yes. He had so much promise and so little body fat. [laughter] when in the 5th, be sure to check out longway planetarium, michigans largest stargazing facility if you dont could the sky, and just who has the spark plug to represent this district . Why its none other than freshman democratic congressman dan kildee. I sat down with representative kildee in his washington office. Congressman kildee, thank you so much for talking to me today. Thank you, stephen. Tell me about the fightin 5th. Its my home. I was born and raised in the city of flint. Stephen heres a campaign idea. First ones free. Promise to bring all the manufacturing jobs back to your district. Hmmm. Okay. Stephen all of them. Thats a tough promise to make. Stephen it would be an amazing promise. Everyone would go, holy [bleeped]. This guy is promising all my jobs back. Lets do this thing. Have you done that . Im not sure i can promise something i cant deliver. Stephen why not deliver it . I dont know. Stephen the autoworkers presence has a union has a strong presence, why do we need a union, and ill wait while you take your break. Speak to my concerns. Im sure youre concerned about workplace safety. Stephen im concerned about reproductive rights, but thank you. Workplace safety, wages. Stephen im also a la tee no. You should have all your rights respected. Stephen latina. Im a lesbian. And im from minnesota. I cant vote for you. Thats okay. You can come to michigan. Stephen im sold. Welcome to the fightin 5th. Stephen i cannot vote because i am a felon. Okay. Lets change the subject. Madonna is from the district. She is. Stephen congressman, do you vote . I dont know if i do or not. Stephen have you ever vogued . I dont think i have. Stephen congressman, may i vogue you . Come on lets vogue let your body move to the music hey, hey, hey the 5th is one of americas lead progress deucers of sugar beets. It is. Stephen congratulations. Thank you. Stephen one assumes. Explain the Bold Decision to get away from the automobiles and go with the 5th most popular root vegetable. Without sugar beets, what happens . Well, we wouldnt have sugar. Stephen why not just use sugar cane . Because its good sugar and its reasonably priced. Stephen want to do some . Ill do some sugar. Stephen all right. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Pure, untouched saginaw sugar right there. Where are my manners. Im sorry. Would you like some . Ill have some. Mmm. Mmm. Stephen whoo so this is your first year in congress . Yes. Stephen lets discuss your predecessor. All right. Stephen this is the dan kildee era. Who was the guy before you . Dale kildee. Stephen sorry . Dale kildee. Stephen thats very similar hes my uncle. Stephen thats like nepotism. Do you hear stuff like, i wish dale kildee would come back, i hate you. Thats not hard for you to hear . I dont hear that very often. Stephen okay. Theyre whispering it then. You claim youre a staunch supporter of the second amendment. I am a supporter of the second amendment. Stephen are you packing right now . No. Stephen what if someone pulled a knife on you, give me your wallet. Wouldnt you want a gun then . New york i dont carry a gun. Stephen you dont carry a gun . No. Stephen congressman, give me your wallet. No, you cant have my wallet. Stephen i have a knife. I see that. Stephen does this not mean anything to you . This is never a good sign when this happens. See this . [cheering and applause] come on, man, give me your wallet, congressman no gun. Do you have your wallet . I do. [laughter] congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. Thank you. May i have my wallet back . Stephen were out of time. Lets put michigans 5th up on the big board. [cheering and applause] oh, it looks like someone burned down flintd for the insurance money. Well be right back. [cheering and applause] nnnnnnnnnnnngg7v stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the archbishop of new york, a cardinal and a middle middle eat i just call him chief. Please welcome his emfinance, Timothy Cardinal dolan. [cheering and applause] hey, thanks so much. Oh, thats very nice. Stephen i got to get myself a nice big ring if youre going to be kissing my hand now. Not a bad idea, stephen. Stephen cardinal dolan, thank you so much for being on. My honor on your first night back. Good to be with you. Youre cardinal of the Roman Catholic church, the 10th archbishop of new york, the president of the conference of catholic bishops. Youre the second most famous catholic in america next to myself. All right. There you go. Stephen you have a new e book called praying in rome, reflection on the conclave and electing pope francis, so this blows the lid off the papal conclave. Well, theres really not much to say. I lost. Thats the main thing. But thanks for. You and my mom are the only two that have referred to this. This is great. Stephen youll get the colbert bump. This is going to be the numberone churchbased ebook. Ill take it. Stephen i would swear to god, but. All right. Okay. You were in there. Whats it like, for the people who havent been in there, and thats everybody except you cardinals, nobody here but us cardinals, when the doors shut and they put that seal on there, whats first thing that happens in that room . Do you guys smoke em if you got em . Whats going on there . I tell you, the first thing we do is pray, and we pray hard because do we ever need help because were not up to the task, so we ask for the inspiration of the holy spirit, and i think the spirit comes through. They told us, stephen, they said, look, the holy spirit has already chosen the new pope, you guys just got to figure out who hes chosen, which isnt a bad explanation of what goes on in the conclave. So we pray and asking for guidance. Stephen is there ouija or anything like that . No tea leaves or anything. Stephen no chicken bones . New york were not into voodoo. So tell me about the first round. As an historian, i dont think so. People have been elected the first day after two or three ballots. Theres four ballots a day, two in the morning, two in the afternoon. Theres been popes elected the first day, but i dont think the first ballot. Because on the first ballot you got to imagine everybodys voting for themselves, just in case, maybe there is wave behind me i dont know about. I think st. Peter had it pretty easy. He was appointed first pope by jesus. He got it pretty easy. After that. Stephen now, you did not get the gig, as i said. I was pretty nice because i had 50 on it. [laughter] did you vote for the guy who eventually got the gig, pope francis. Well, i cant say that. Stephen why not . We cant say who we voted for. Stephen so youre saying its not unanimous. But im glad he got it. I think we did a good job, dont you . You were just over there, but there is a new spirit. Stephen let me be clear, he is the vicar of christ. Yes. Stephen he is our direct connection to st. Peter, who is appointed the head of the church by our lord whilst he walked the earth in his flesh. You got it right. I dont care for the guy. Okay. He loves you, stephen. He cares for you and loves you. Stephen its unrequieted at the moment. I tell you what, heres the thing, hes too soft. Hes too soft on sin for me, this new pope. Uhhuh. Stephen you heard what he said about atheists. What did he say . Stephen he said that even atheists are redeemed by christ. Even atheists. [cheering and applause] stephen sorry. We usually screen these people. If even atheists are redeemed by christ, why have i been going to mass on sunday. I could have gotten another nine holes in. I dont want. Look, what do you think that means . Look, you dont go to mass to win heaven, right . You go to mass to ask god for help to get there. You dont go to win heaven because we cant earn it. Its a gift. Its given to all of us, even atheists. Stephen i dont always know why im going to mass. But im glad you do. Stephen im usually glad i did. You know what, weve got to take a little break. Can you stick around . Ill be happy to. This grapa is great from italy. You brought some back. Stephen thats pure grapa. Its like jet fuel. Youll be dancing on the take by the time were done. Well be back with tire ti [r stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with Timothy Cardinal dolan who has a new ebook called praying in rome, reflections on the conclave and electing pope francis. I was just over in rome. Amazing. One thing that i didnt care for was st. Peters because it was so crowded with people hoping to catch a glimpse of this new pope. Uhhuh. Stephen why do you think this guy is drawing a crowd . Well, hes down to earth, hes simple, hes sincere. What you see is what you get. He because great archbishop of buenos aires, which is one of the. Stephen but hes not wearing the gold. Hes not on the big golden throne. When i see him, i put my buck in the collection plate on sunday, thats for production value. I want to see like an iron man 3 production value when i go there. Whatever he is or is not wearing, he sure seems to be doing well popularity wise. Hes marketing the message, and i use marketing in the best sense of the word. We say eadvantageization, but hes a pro at it, isnt he . Stephen marketing like matthew, luke and john. Okay, another thing i got a problem, with and i hate to make you answer for the guy you did or did not vote for. Okay. Stephen but he also said that he was asked about homosexuality and said, who am i to judge . Uhhuh. Stephen you are the pope to judge. [cheering and applause] but arent we supposed to . What is declaration of sin nor sin except a jerusalem . No, well, we can never judge person, right . We can judge action, but we cant judge persons. Jesus told us that. So hes repeating the timeless teaching of the bible that we can never judge another human being. I cant judge bernie madoff. I dont like what he did. I can judge the actions. But i couldnt judge his heart or soul. Stephen but im a pundit. If i dont judge anyone, i dont get a check. You got ratings to take care of, and i hope i help. But hes not. He leaves that up to the lord. The lord is the supreme judge. I dont have any right to judge. Stephen what do you think about the fact that weve got benedict, can i still call him Pope Benedict. Sure you can. Stephen youve got Pope Benedict and pope francis at the same time. We have a spare pope right now. Pope benedict made you a cardinal. He did indeed. Stephen he made you a cardinal. Do you think francis looks and you and goes, youre one of bennies boys. No, no, no, back of the popemobile for you. We all are. We all are. He hasnt made any yet. So id like to think hed say he was part of the conclave that elected me. Is this the first conclave you ever went to . First conclave ever. Stephen after francis is out, whenever. I hope its a long time. Stephen i hope its a long time. I hope its a retirement. Okay. Stephen we get somebody in there that i am more simpatico with. If you were to be made pope, what name would you choose . [applause] stephen. [cheering and applause] stephen thank you so much. Cardinal timothy dolan, well be right back. cucucu;u u ucuuuuzuucucucuco captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org nation. Now, before we say good night, i would like to say hello to the newest member of the colbert nation, little emeesa mac rosta, daughter of my crack researcher jen rosta. Now, jen, ive been doing some Baby Research for you on yahoo answers. Now, did you know it helps the bonding process if the entire family sleeps in the childs crib . And that a baby can get all its required nutrients from a wendys frosty . Its true. [laughter] its yahootrue. Of course, the best way to ensure a Childs Health is for the mother to return to work immediately. Please, jen, i dont know anything without you. Good ni captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org jon is back hey, stubies hey baby. Mmm. Force [speaking in foreign language] how are you doing . Mush, mushka oh bleep we have a huge problem. What . Hey, no, i dont know is back. The middle east has changed him. He is not even acting american. Get a defibrillator and two big macs. Lets do this. Okay. Ah hey, jon. Clear obamacare can suck pollen bees bleep . It is politically correct cant we say that word . Open that thing. It locks. Hear me, oh children of israel ha, ha, ha bicycle ha, ha, ha is that a heineken . Oh, no. Okay. Okay. We need to fix this. Hello. Yes. We need you down here now. Isolate him and i will be right there. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. I will break this man and no matter what you hear, no matter what moans of agony you hear, do not open that door. I promise. Oh, my