John thats our show. Join us tomorrow night. Here it is your moment of zen. There are many other states that embrace those conservative values, the approach that weve taken over the years. Im in one today in captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen [ cheers and applause ] stephen ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. I dont blame you for being so happy tonight, folks, this is a huge night. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, okay. As you know every year on the report i hold a summer Concert Series called colbchella. [ cheers and applause ] and year after year, it is always headlined by the hottest names in music. Dr. Pepper. Tmobile wireless and of course pepsi, the official drink of we dont have coke, is pepsi okay . Well, folks, this year the antiestablishment convention destroying rockandroll ethos is brought to you by hyundai. The silent y stands for youth marketing. In fact, theyve even given me a sizable check in exchange for which i promise to deliver them the undisputed song of the summer. So, jimmy, juice it. Hyundai presents the song of the summer of the century. It aint the heat. Its the rockmiddity. With special guest daft punk. [ cheers and applause ] stephen thats right, folks. French electropop megastars daft punk, the artists behind the hit get lucky on the colbert report, was something that was going to happen when we made this graphic. Unfortunately daft punk is not here. crowd ahing . Stephen so, jimmy, lets change that graphic. Okay. There you go. And ive got to tell you, folks. Its been a bit of a rough day. Heres the story. Its a true story. You see, we booked click and clack over here about a month ago but there was a problem. You see, this network is owned by viacom which is also the owner of mtv, nickelodeon and the popular pupbegone line of eueuthanasia centers although i have to say im not sure of that last one is public knowledge. Apparently and this is a deeply guarded secret so, shhhhhh daft punk are going to make a surprise appearance on the mtv video music awards. Spoiler alert. Dont tell anybody because fun fact, no one told me until 2 00 yesterday. Now the head of mtv, van toffler, is saying mtv had been promised the exclusive rights to any Television Appearance by daft punk leading up to the v. M. A. s. Daft punk says nothing because they dont talk. But their handlers say they never promised mtv anything. So heres the deal. Hyundai gave me a lot of money, okay. A big check. Which, funny story, i cashed. And, and in return. [ cheers and applause ] and in return, i promised them the song of the summer which is why the hyundai executives are sitting in my front row right now. Hi, guys. [ cheers and applause ] as you can tell, theyre a fun group. So i said to mtv, lets reason here. These daft punk guys are french. Theyre not really into exclusive relationships. I thought we could have a menageashow and maybe they could do us both. Although working twice in one month is a little more than the french are used to. [ cheers and applause ] now unfortunately. Stick with me. Again all true. Unfortunately, van wilder over here was not into the idea. As he said in an email that was forwarded to me which i dont really have the permission to read on the ape, so lets read it. [ cheers and applause ] okay . He says, from van toffler, head of mtv, he says, not sure i can help you with that one. Checkd with my peeps. And theyre feeling funky on this one. You heard right, folks. His peeps were feeling funky. And once your peeps get all funked, theres no unfunking them. If that funk spreads past the peep level, soon your bros might be unstoked and then what . So. applause the upshot is daft punk had to choose which show to go on and they chose not mine. audience booing stephen that, of course, is a crushing disappointment brought to you by hyundai. Now, hey, listen. Listen, im a proud member of the mtv family of networks so i understand flan cobblers predicament here. If daft punk were on my show, people wouldnt tune in to see them on the m. V. A. s almost a month from now. Thats how music works. You love a band. You see them once. Then never want to see them again. Thats why after the beatles went on ed sullivan, they dropped off the face of the err. I think ringo ended up working as a train conductor. applause listen, i want to be clear. I want to be clear. As a company man, the last thing i want to do was cause any trouble for the video music awards. After all, theyre very important to mtv. Its the one night of the year they still show music videos. So instead. [ cheers and applause ] folks, instead im going to take the high road and urge you to watch daft punk on the v. M. A. S september 27 on vh1 at 9 00 p. M. , 4 30 pacific. This year hosted by chris brown. Of course Bruce Springsteen will be duetting with jayz. Performances by maroon 5, roy boy, dorksha, babys breath, amber alert, rot weller featuring lil itlya and a special performance by paula deen and the etrade baby. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back. With stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to stepheft colbchella 01, the song of the summer of the century featuring the artists formerly booked as daft punk. Now theyre not here tonight, and i have accepted a lot of money from our colbchella sponsor hyundai. So not delivering the song of the summer is a real kick in my balls brought to you by hyundai. Now, folks this could not be a bigger disaster if someone had planned it. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is mtv networks. Of course, ive ben daft punked. Where is he . Ashton, i know youre here. Where is ashton . [ cheers and applause ] baby come on stephen youre the greatest. So, ashton, ashton, ive got to ask you. So, ashton, daft punk not being here did i get punked . No, you dont [bleep]ed Stephen Ashton kutcher, everybody. Ashton. You know what . I dont care what mtv allows. My audience gets the song of the summer if they want it. And i dont even need daft punk to choose my show over the v. M. A. s to get it. This is colbchella, comedamit, and it is time to dance. Jimmy . Like the legend stephen hey, jeff bridges. Stephen so after five years what surprises you most about walt . Stephen welcome back to americas got talent. Tonight 12 acts are leaving everything theyve got out here. [ cheers and applause ] what is this im feeling . [ cheers and applause ] stephen woooo yes, sir. Is everybody happy . audience booing stephen well be right back. I [ cheers and applause ] stephen thanks so much. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. Please, weve got to. Folks, welcome back to the colbchella 01, the song of the century of the year of the summer or whatever. I dont know. Thank you for joining me for the end of my career. Brought to you by hyundai. [ cheers and applause ] stephen i never thought it would end like this. I never. I didnt. I didnt think it would end like this. I always imagined id be crushed under a collapsing pile of emmys. What am i going to do . The only thing that can possibly save me now is some global pop sensation who can perform a mega hit considered by many to be the song of the summer and who just happen to be in my audience right now. Stephen, ill sing for you. [ cheers and applause ] stephen oh, my god. Its robin thicke. Robin, youre the guy who dances around with those girls who are all naked on the youtube tube video. You know, i actually sing in the video also, stephen. Stephen i hadnt noticed that part. Ill take your word for it. Oh, robin thicke, would you sing a song for me. Of course. Im your man. Lets do it. [ cheers and applause ] stephen performing what i for personal and professional reasons deem the song of the summer, robin thicke. Everybody get up, come on. Hey, hey, hey. But youre an animal i feel so lucky youre a good girl, yes, you are cant let it get past me, baby youre far from the plastic talk about getting blasted i know you want it, baby youre a good girl come on out here no more pretending cause now youre winning heres our beginning i always wanted a good girl i know you want it youre a good girl cant let it get past me youre far from plastic talking about being blasted my good girl with all my bad girls youre a good girl, yes, you are the way you blurred lines [ cheers and applause ] stephen well be right back