That iceberg that sunk the titanic has never been brought to justice. Then how much should voters know about the candidates . Id say more than mitt romney, less than anthony weiner. And my guest, dr. Atul gawande has written about how ideas catch on. I always heard you got them from a toilet seat. Cnn is offering dos and donts for summertime sex. First dont watch cnn. Sthis is the colbert report. theme song playing cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen you know, folks, you know, folks, what you just did there. [ cheers and applause ] please, folks. Ive got tell you, welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. That chanting of my name you just did, i dont care what anybody says, thats the song of the summer. [ cheers and applause ] nation, folks, if you watch this show you know i always bring you the hottest developments from around the world. And thanks to Global Warming, it dont get no hotter than the arctic because the north pole, otherwise known as the top of our planets icetoupee, is now a lake. Which means the actual pole itself has gone from charming landmark to thing to climb for survival. Which of course brings us to tonights installment of smokin pole the quest for arctic riches. Folks, after a month of temperatures two to five Degrees Higher than average, the north pole has gone from this to this. Now, no surprise the ice melted. The north pole is at the top of the earth so its closer to the sun. Thats just science. This, of course, is bad news for superman who is finally out of excuses for why hes never had aquaman over. You would hate it. Its frozen. But on the plus side, now we know why santas been giving us all that coal in our stockings. He wanted beachfront property. And anyone who is is alarmed by this new arctic lake, you should just relax. Its just an isolated incident that has occurredded every summer since 2003. No reason to panic. The time for panicking was 2003. Way too late now. Besides, this is nothing new in earths history because warm climates extended into the arctic as recently as the eocene epoch, 56 to 4 million years ago. And people got along fine back then. Technically there were no people but everything was peachy keen for paleochiropteryx, the first recognizable bat. So as our climate shifts back into that of the eocene and all those extinct animals return to the arctic, we humans will just have to have adapt. Lets sing it for santa, kids. Rudolph the red nosed red horped brontotherium had a prom net nasal ridge and if you ever saw it, you would say, deared god, im being chased by the brontotherium natural predator andrewsarcus, a 13foot carnivorous dog. [ cheers and applause ] so, folks, i say lets enjoy this melting ice cap and maybe turn a buck on it. After all, that melted north pole lake sure looks refreshing. Lets send some tanker trucks up there, suck it up and bottle it. We can call it pole and springs. And thanks to all that truck exhaust, well never run out. Folks, our lawmakers popularity keeps sinking faster than a Research Facility at the north pole. In the latest phone survey about congress, it ranked below having your dinner interrupted by a phone survey about congress. But these numbers have nothing to do with the job that the lawmakers are doing because they are not doing it. Halfway through 2013 just 15 bills passed by congress had become law. They almost passedded a 16th bill but obama refused to sign hr2904, the this is not another repeal of obama care, we swear but dont look inside it, just sign it act. But you cant blame congress for how little they get done. Taking a position on anything is political suicide. Just look at Senate Minority leader mitch mcconnell. Hes the most obstructionist, billblockinest human lawcork ever to jam up the hauls of congress using the filibuster 413 times since 2007, twice as much as the last democratic minority which earned him the nickname senator gridlock. Yeah, good olsen tore gridlock, the kentucky constipator, the louisville plugger. But even the leader of the donothing congress is is now being punished for the handful of times he done did something. Mitch mcconnell is getting primaried hard. An open letter, this is incredible to me, from 15 Kentucky Tea Party groups said senator mcconnells progressive, liberal voting record and his willingness to roll over and cede power to president obama and the liberals in washington prove he is no friend to the American People or the citizens of the commonwealth of kentucky stephen i knew this guy was a left wing progressive loon in 2010 when he said this. Our top political priority over the next two years should be to deny president obama a second term. Disbelief so back to the lesbian food coop, rainbow warrior. Now fortunately theres a way for lawmakers to do their jobs without consequences, and it brings us to tonights word. [ cheers and applause ] secrets and laws. Nation, like all americans, i am closely following the Senate Finance committees effort to draft a new comprehensive tax reform bill. Now, folks, the committees top democrat and republican, senators max baucus and or and n hatch are asking their Senate Colleagues for suggestions on the new tax code. What should be dedubt i believe . What should the top tax rate be . But these senators know it is too risky for the other senators to be public about their Public Policy so they assuredded lawmakers that any submission they receive will be kept under lock and key by the committee and the National Archives until the end of 2064. Thats right. No one will see the senators opinions on the tax code for 50 years. And by then, folks, the senators will all be dead. Now, to further guarantee privacy, baucus and hatch have offered to give each submission its own i. D. Number, keep it on passwordprotected servers and store printedded versions in locked safes. This level of secrecy will give the senators the freedom to do the peoples business. That way, they can represent the voters without pressure from the lobbyists or represent the lobbyists without pressure from the voters. It could go either way. Well find out in 2064. Of course, the only danger is if the tax bill somehow later comes up for a vote, then members of congress will be in the perilous position of supporting their own ideas. Which is is why i believe we must offer Congress Even more safety by hiding their identities in the legislative protection program. This way, they will be given new names, new cover jobs. Mitch mcconnell can now vote his conscience as Greek Orthodox priest milos mcconnelopolous and so can harry reid or should i say sushi chef haruki reidamoto. Now at some point folks might notice all these priests and chefs hanging around the Capitol Building which is why we must relocate congress somewhere where it can never be found, thousands of miles under a mountain guarded by rivers of magma and armed mole men. Of course, to ensure the ultimate in legislative privacy, we should probably change all voting booths to have redacted ballots. Instead of pull ago lever, you just throw a dart. Now, i dont think americans would notice a difference at this point because if our lawmakers get to make their policy suggestions in secret, we dont know who were voting for anyway. And thats the wore. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Very nice. Welcome back. Nation, i love humility. And i am proud to say that i am as humble or more humble than anyone else out there. You think youre humbler than me . [bleep] you. Im the king of humility. So i am a huge fan of firstterm texas senator and guy with josh groban on his workout mix ted cruz. Senator cruzs very public outspokenness has made him a thorn in the side of the g. O. P. Leadership but they havent told the press about their displeasure because whenever they get near a camera, ted cruz is already in front of it. Recently cruz sat down with abcs Jonathan Carl to explain what keeps him so darned modest. You argued a case before the Supreme Court at age 32. Its an extraordinary opportunity to stand before the u. S. Supreme court. Takes your breath away. We didnt have a prayer. We were not going to win that case. I stood up and for 30 minutes there was not a single friendly question. I have always like the fact that i sit in my office and i look at a giant painting of me getting my tail whipped 90. It is very good for instilling humility. Stephen yes, i have to tell you i dont know what part of this painting comes off as more humble. Is it the hypothetical of halo surrounding his head or is it his look toward heaven . Or is it all of the people in this painting of him would are painting more paintings of him . In fact. applause in fact, ted cruz is so humble he doesnt even mention what noble cause he championed before the Supreme Court that day. This modest hero argued that texas should be allowed to back out of a legal settlement in which it had vowed to improve Health Care Services for poor children. You know what . No wonder he looks so christhike in that painting. We all remember the story of jesus promising to multiply loafs and fishes for the poor. Then backing out of it on legal grounds. I mean all that raw fish sitting out in the desert sun . I mean, sashimi in israel . Come on, thats just a Food Poisoning lawsuit waiting to happen. Folks, its no wonder i like ted cruz so much because i too like to keep my ego in check by having portraits done of myself. For instance, this wallsized mural of me winning just one of the emmys i was nominated for in 2010. [ cheers and applause ] you know what . You know what . It could be 2008. Ive won a couple of times. Anyway, it just keeps me humble. Or the time i was cutting down a tree limb that was hanging over the driveway. It fell on me which was pretty embarrassing so i had it commemorated on canvas in a piece entitled the passion of the stephen. A little note to any freehs watching. This act of humility is also available in stained glass. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the author of a new yorker article called slow ideas. In a month im going to know what i think of it. Please welcome atul gawande. Thank you. Good to see you again. Its been a few years. Not that long stephen what . Its been a little while. You came here to tell us about checklists and how they can make our lives a better place, keep doctors from killing people, leaving sponges in patients and stuff like that. You still use a checklist . Yes stephen me too. Tonight im checking off dr. Atul gawande. For the people who dont know youre a surgeon, youre a professor at Harvard Medical School and the Harvard School of public health. You also write for the new yorker. Youve got a new article called slow ideas some innovations spread fast. How do you speed the ones that dont . Heres one idea of how to speed things up. Shorter titles. Ideas get right across, okay. What do you mean . If an idea is good, wont it naturally just spread fast . You would think so. Stephen i do. 19th century i started with lots of ideas but two. One is the idea of discovery of anesthesia, freedom from pain during surgery stephen like ether or color form. Exactly. Right around that same thing, ant septics, lister showing the way to stop infections stephen spraying listerine around the room. Anesthesia spread in weeks on to every capital around europe. It was across the United States in every hospital in seven years stephen nobody wants to be in pain. You dont want infection stephen but you cant see infection. You want instant gratification not only if youre a patient, youre free from pain. But if youre the surgeon you dont have a screaming parity on the table stephen or if youre a drug addict, you can pour it on if rug in your car and be high as you drive down the highway. I saw that in a book. Or in a horse buggy in the 19th century stephen sure. The antiseptic was listerine was basedded on car bolic acid way was the antiseptic stephen that sounds scary. It burned your hand. You literally not only youre delaying a bug you cant see, germs you cant see, a problem that wont appear for a few days but you had to go through pain in order to have it. That is the story of many slow ideas that you have to not only delay gratification. But its painful up front for a great consequence later on. Like sex. Stephen your point is that these ideas should be slow . No stephen okay, good. Because i want immediate gratification. I want like an app on my phone that i can just hit and go whats a good idea . And it tells me what the good idea is. Then i adopt that idea as a good idea and dont have to put any thought into it. Weve so overvalued the idea of apps or incentives to get people to do the right thing, another example were working with is in some countries like in india where you have deaths in childbirth there are very basic things from hand washing to putting the baby directly on to the skin of the mom to warm the baby up cuts the death rate by a third stephen is is it just medicine . Its not just medicine. Its across the board that what you see over and over again is is what the most powerful force for changing, whether people change their norms and standards is not whether you pay them, not whether you penalize them but whether you talk to them. People talking to people. They know whether theyre actually doing this themselves. Do you trust and know someone who is doing this . Then you change stephen this is how gay marriage spread. Its because that was a slow idea, right . People did not accept that because its against gods law. But eventually gay people got to know so many people or so many people got to know gay people that eventually you said, well, im against, you know, gay rights but not, you know, not brian and allen. They seem like good guys. Id love them to be happy together. Thats how they crept into our hearts. Right . Thats a slow idea. Isnt it . And it worked exactly the way you described. It wasnt an app or an incentive program. It was people talking to people and moving an idea stephen thats what its going to take for me to accept Global Warming. It all happened up there on the top of the globe and i dont see it happen. Very theoretical to me. But if polar bears were going door to door, knocking and saying excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about the Global Warming crisis . And about our Lord Jesus Christ . I think listen. They might be able to change my mind. But short of that, isnt Global Warming a hard sell . Yes. Here is an exact kind of flow idea because what we have to do now is painful to solve these problems, whether its a carbon tax or conservation or any of a number of options for dealing with Global Warming for the delayed gratification of saving the planet stephen now you write about innovation. Yeah stephen why write about innovation in a magazine . applause because i still believe in being able to talk to people and be able to change minds stephen language is the ultimate slow idea. Thank you so much for joining me. [ cheers and applause ] from the new yorker, dr. Ahul hul. Well be right back. Fq o j,tp cn [ cheers and applause ] stephen thats it for the report, everyb captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org