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There you go. All right, theres your sparkler. You ready to do this, buddy. I dont think the beard is a good idea. laughter stephen come on, uncle sam has got to have the beard, all right. Lets do this, flame on. Whooo stephen i am so sorry for your loss. laughter frank was a good man. Everybody said he really lit up a room. laughter you understand he had to wear the beard, right, you know that. laughter i never forget franks last words, he said damn you stephen colbert, goddamn you to hell. laughter somebody help me. laughter i would like to think that that somebody was you, mary. You know what, lets remember frank by lighting this sparkler. laughter and thinking of him. Stephen kids, kids, youre going to have to be brave now. Im so sorry for your loss. I wish i could have extinguished your parents. But thanks to mayor bloomberg my soda was only 16 ounces. applause so its really his fault. You see that, dont you . laughter stephen okay. Okay, youre going to be all right. You know what . You know what . Here, go play with some sparklers. Go on, go on. Have some sparklers. There you go. cheers and applause stephen oh, oh, oh, but remember, only use them under parental super have fun oh, theyll be fine. Folks, yesterday the Supreme Court overturned the defense of marriage act. cheers and applause i like to cheer for pretty colors too. But they are surrendering this country to the radical gay agenda of joint tax returns. Its unnatural. But luckily one tv show is not backing down. And i hope its this one. This is Stephen Colberts big gay round up. applause yee what i want to thank my old Pal International movie star steve car rel for never asking me how i would use that footage. laughter stephen youre a good man. Now first in the gay roundup, folks, i trust the gays about as far as i could throw them. Not that i would know, i dont pick up gay men to throw or any other reason. Come to think of, it, theyre in better shape than i am so it might be easier to let them throw me but i guess i trust the gays less far than they could throw me, are we clear . God, they have to complicate everything. And now theyre complicating blood donation. The American Medical Association is pushing for a reversal of a decadesold ban on blood donations from gay men saying that the law is outdated. Gay men have been banned from donating blood since the aids crisis in the 1980s. But now the ama says there are better testing procedures and better understanding of hiv. Stephen folks leting gay people donate blood is an endorsement of the gay lifestyle. In fact, im pretty sure a gay blood transfusion is how you get gay. laughter stephen its like being bitten by a radioactive spider. You get all the gay superpower superstrength, web slinging and the desire to wear skin tight spandex on broadway. Next on the roundup , like a true american, i love all things disney. Mostly because all things are owned by disney. laughter an my favorite show is the Disney Channel good luck charlie, a family sitcom about the ups and downs of raising five children. Now as a fan i feel like ive been kicked right in the mickeys because in a first for the Disney Channel, next season one of little charlies play dates will be with a kid who has two moms. Two moms theyll probably be having their own play date with crayons and construction paper, or as they call it, scissoring. laughter stephen oh, i know, i know. Ugly stuff. Folks, i am outraged and i am not alone. The faith and Freedom Network and foundation railed, the Entertainment Industry is doing everything humanly possible to normalize homosexual relations an on the Tea Party Nation theyre saying walt disney must be spinning in his grave, yes, or at the very least someone has put his frozen head on a lazy susan. Disney, i demand that you drop this two mommies plot and go back to delivering wholesome messages. Like teaching our children that they can be a princess if they let a man make out with him while theyre drugged. Or or applause or that there is nothing wrong with beastiality if a candle says its okay. laughter well be right back. applause hey, welcome back. Welcome back, everybody. Welcome back, to more of el showo. Why am i speaking spanish . Because i was just handed this el papero t says breaking news, america is over. It passed. The landmark immigration billpassed. 68 to 32. Stephen Immigration Reform has passed the senate. I didnt think that bill had a chance in congress. In that it was a bill in congress. This is only the beginning, folks. Only the beginning. Today its amnesty. The next thing you know taco bell is serving mexican food. Remember the alamo. This su render comes courtesy of a group of senators calling themselves the gang of eight. No surprise. You let in the mexicanoes and before you can say bib leo techa the senate run by a gang, i mean look at these guys. I wouldnt be surprised if they were smuggling in premium uncut flomax. So just who are they . Jimmy, juice it mccain, the maverick. Menendez, the maybe mexican one. Graham, the he is duck tres. Rubbio, mr. Thirsty. Schumer, big daddy shum. Blake, the one you just heard of. And the rest. Gang of eight. Now the boys over her here think thats going to be a series on its nostalgia channel. The boys over here think they can get conservatives like me to swallow their amnesty earning landa by including socalled security measures otherwise known as a border surge. Now dont get me wrong, i like the idea of a surge, it worked in iraq. You hardly see any mexican sneaking into baghdad. But its not nearly enough, folks. This plan would merely double the Border Patrol with one agent every thousand feet. No sir we need them every three feet that way they can link arms and call out red rover red rover dont let francis cocome over. No immigrant should get citizenship in this country until we know the border is sealed. And im not just talking about the Mexican Border, folks, im talking about any border and that includes somebody coloring outside the lines on a dennys place mat. Sorry jose but you cant get your green card because maria drew a blue sun. Nation, someone has got to answer for this madness. When we return, i will get someone to answer for this madness. Senator and el jefe delos schumes de la ocho, chuck my guest tonight is one of the architects of the new Immigration Reform bill. Ill ask how he got past my border fence. Please welcome via satellite chuck schumer. Sir, welcome to the report cheers and applause now Charles Schumer or should i call ucar loss schum carlos schumer. Charles is good. For now, because we are taping this at 2 00 in the afternoon. And you are voting on the immigration bill around what time . About 4 00. Okay, 4 00 and im showing this to my studio audience at 7 30 but were not broadcasting it until 11 30, so thank you for staying up late with me tonight to pretape this look back at what hadnt yet transpired in the senate later this afternoon earlier today. So what will have had happened . Well, i believe that this comprehensive immigration bill will have passed by a very large vote, twothirds of the senate will vote for it, almost every democrat, probably every democrat, and a large number of republicans. And were very pleased that a large number of republicans voted for the bill. By the time this airs what is your estimate of how many Illegal Immigrants will have been granted amnesty and voted for a democrat . Well, none yet. But you know, the bill does provide a path to citizenship because its its amnesty. Well, they have to work hard and they have to learn english. Its shamnesty, its a slice of hamnesty, its raspberry jammesty, its wham, bam, thank you amnesty. Ive got a rhyming dictionary and i am not afraid to use it. Its go tokai good bill for america, stephen. Stephen are you are surprise thaud only got 68 votes in. No i think were really pleased with the number of votes weve gotten rz. Stephen isnt this a ploy for the democrats to get vote, isnt that the only reason youre doing this . Well, no, the bottom line is that i believe this is one of the best thing questions do for america. Stephen so why dont you just prove this isnt about votes by saying right now you dont care about the latino vote. Well, i want everybody. Stephen go away, latinos, say it, dont vote for me, me chuck schumer. I want to get every vote of can of everybody, thats for sure. But im doing this because i believe in america, i really do. And immigration has always been part of the american fabric. Stephen sir no one loves latinos more than i do. They are a naturally conservative group that values faith and family. I just dont want any more of them coming in. I want the time to really appreciate the ones we already have. Well, listen, every immigrant group that comes, when they leave their own country and they, you know, they risk their lives often times to come, thats been true through the centuries, come to a new culture, theyre really hardworking dedicated people who are just seeking a better life in america has always afforded them that better life. Stephen how did you get so many gop senators and guys like bill o reilly to cave on this one . I think theyre doing what they think is good for the country despite some real political adversity. What did you give them. What did you put in the bill to sweeten it for republicans. There are lots of specification provision notice bill that help people in different states but nasss good too. Because in Many Industries we depend on immigrants to make the industries growment you take agriculture. Very few americans will pick the crops. And if you dont have a good supply of immigrants, then you wont then you wont have a big good farming industry and food grown here in america. Stephen is it the easier answer just to stop eating vegetables . Many americans have already taken that path. I like broccoli. Stephen when john mccain was running for the senate the last time, everybody made fun of him for having an ad where you said build the dang fencement but now now youre building it, is this the dang fence . And how dang is it . Well, its a pretty tough fence. And its not just a fence. We use all kinds of devices, listening devialses that can find when people cross the border illegally in the future. And they can be apprehended and turned back. Its much tougher and much stronger using a lot of the new technology than the previous attempts. Stephen will there be more listening devices on the Mexican Border or in americans telephones that the nsa is listening in on. If we have our way, more on the border. Stephen tell me about the gang of eight. Youre the leader of the gang of eight, arent new. I guess john mccain and i have been called the two leaders of it, yes. Stephen are there other gangs on the senate floor like crypts or bloods . If you throw the wrong gang sign could john corni cut a bitch. No, these gangs are constructive gangs. Were trying to get democrats and republicans to come together and do some good things and if the more gangs we would be a better place. Stephen will senator marco rubio ultimately vote for the bill that marco rubio wrote . Or will marco rubio have to make some concessions to the extreme marco rubio wing of marco rubio in order to get rubios vote . He has done a good job, he really has. And he has taken a lot of arrows but he believes in this and hes doing the right thing. I think the world of him. Do you have any sort of gang tattoos . Dow get like a tear tat on your face for every bill you pass . Were to the going show you our tattoos. Stephen wass going to happen to this bill when it gets to the house. I think there will be a lot of pressure on the house to actually get the bill done. I know there are a lot of conservative republican was dont want to vote for it, fine. Put it on the floor of the house and let the democrats pass it with some republicans. And america will be a better place, so im hopeful thats what Speaker Boehner will eventually do. Stephen heres what my fellow conservatives dont trust about you democrats. Weve been through this before. You talk big on security. And then like lucy you yank away the ball right as Charlie Brown tries to kick telephone. And worst of all its not a football, its a futoball. Well, thats the kind of trigger we do have in the bill. In other words, the security mechanisms as well as the mechanisms that prevent illegals from futile legals from getting jobs, all of those things have to be in place before people can become legalized and work, those 11 million. But they cant get their green card until those things are actually in place. Stephen last question, senator, the senate seems to be marginally more functional than the house of representatives these days. When you work so hard and for so long on legislation in the senate, and then send it over to the house of representatives, does that ever feel like youre nudging your fully grown child into a field full of bear traps . Well, were hopeful the house will rise to the occasion. This is the right thing to do as weve shown. Its not a democratic bill, its a bipartisan bill. Its the right thing for america, has support from across the political spectrum. A lot of conservative people as you mentioned bill oreilly and others support it. So were hopeful the house will rise to the occasion. If i had to bet money, they will. Stephen thank you for joining me, senator. Senator, carlos schumer, everybody. Nice to be with you, stephen. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Medy central Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show about jon stewart. cheers and applause welcome to the daily show. I am john oliver. We have a fantastic show for you tonight. My guest this evening is Tom Goldstein here to talk to us about the Supreme Court. Of course im still here for jon stewart who is currently searching for treasure based on a map he found on the back of the constitution. laughter there you go, thats thats not accurate. Oh my gosh. [bleep]. cheers and applause holy [bleep], its jon stewart live from the middle east via skype, jon, jon, you have a beard. Theres a beard on your face. Knox, i didnt grow it, its when you get off the plain in the middle east they give it to you like the hawaiian give you a lei. That makes sensement you wear it with. I dont know if you have seen, we have been doing live from the start of the slow about where youve been. And weve been lying about that. Have you seen any of those . Well, have you said that ive been hanging out with Edward Snowden in an underground bunker because thats because youre saying that would not be true, is that what youre saying . Jon sure. Thats what mi saying, its not true. We all miss you. Everybody misses you. cheers and applause we miss you jon let me say this. What . Jon youre doing a phenomenal job. cheers and applause stop it. I dont watch it all the time because its too weird, its like watching someone have sex with your wife wifes desk. You have a beautiful desk. Your des something beautiful. Jon but i miss you guys like crazy cakes. I love you guys. I cant wait to see you. This has been exciting and invigorating but weird as hell. And i just wanted to check in and tell you i was thinking about you guys. And you are doing great. We have not changed much, you should know that, here. Nothing much changed here. Jon good. The only key things is we play government ball against the mets every monday and Bruce Springsteen comes to play every tuesday night. Jon what and then. Jon thats my favorite musician. We didnt think they would be things that you d

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