[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow at 1 167b8g here is your moment of zen. You are not suggest the rebuilding of iraq is done 1 this sit for the u. S. American taxpayers did not get their moneys worth after spending [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [crowd chanting stephen [[. [cheers and applause] stephen whoo [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, please, sit down, we have to get to the show. [cheers and applause] nation, the dreaded 2 across the board sequestration cuts kicked in last friday. And i say its good. [ laughter ] its time to put the government on a diet. [laughter] and just like a real diet, the best way to lose weight is to take a cheese grater and just shave off 2 everywhere. [laughter] looks good. Looks good. No one is going to recognize you at your high school reunion. [ laughter ] folks, forcing obama to address the National Debt is a moral issue. If we dont cut expensive things like head start, childhood nutrition programs, teachers, and student loans, what sort of future are we leaving for our children . [laughter] and we know austerity during economic downturns works. Just look at europe. [laughter] if you can see it through the tear gas. [laughter] many of those countries still exist. [laughter] of course, everybodys playing the blame game. I blame obama for that. [laughter] [cheers and applause] because this man will not take that blame like a man. And i know this has been some of the conventional wisdom thats been floating around washington that somehow even though most people agree that im being reasonable, that most people agree im presenting a fair deal the fact that they dont take it means that i should somehow, you know, do a jedi mind meld with these folks and convince them to do whats right. [laughter] [cheers and applause] stephen what . Did you hear that . A jedi mind meld . He mixed up the Jedi Mind Trick with the vulcan mind meld [laughter] who makes that mistake . The two are as different as good kirk and evil kirk from mirror mirror. Season two, episode 4. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] bhi the way i know its not from mirror, mirror. Folks, no letters. [laughter] folks, forget benghazi gate. This is ben kenobi gate [laughter] whats next, president obama . Holding the majqa klingon rite of passage on yavin 4 . [laughter] do you even know what planet yavin 4 is . [laughter] trick question its not a planet its a moon [laughter] youre such a gorn. [laughter] but obamas scifi flub, should be the gops gain. After all, republicans and nerds have so much in common. [laughter] they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women [cheers and applause] and Senate Minority leader Mitch Mcconnell bears a striking resemblance to admiral ackbar. [laughter] nation, you know its my sacred duty to protect you from those who would destroy our way of life. That way of life . You watching tv like youre about to do more of right now. [laughter] jim . There are those among us intent on challenging our most sacred beliefs no matter what the cost. We call them scientists. [ laughter ] its alive stephen scientists like doctor skylarbehr, ph. D. Im a scientist though i dont have my ph. D yet. Stephen shes the enemy within. Here on maines Mount Desert Island in the village of thumbsville life on the coast has always been as god intended. Tide goes in, tide goods out. Never a miscommunication. Stephen until the today an hosk your miscommunication at the local red stop left developpages crying. Who has the scallop guts. Stephen was it all part of the doctors plan to destroy the human place . I am not trying to destroy the human race. Stephen oh, no . November 26, 2012. Professor gail garwait was returning home when she had a shocking realization. Having skipped lunch i was not going to make it all the way to summertime. Stephen it was then that she saw the thumbsville one stop. Hopped out of car, walked around once found a bag of smartfood popcorn. Stephen she doesnt know she was not alone. This say legal scallop diver with a particular set of skills. If you crash your car drunk and you need somebody to help you hide it and everything, can i do that on a minutes notice. Stephen good to know but why was andy maze at the thumbsville one stop that day and why was he so desperate . I show up in a included of dust, circumstancing around in a panic trying to find scar throat get rid of the buckets of scallop guts. Stephen it seems to doctor skylar arranged a covert delivery that would go terribly wrong. By the time i saw andy he had driven across the street. I went out and said did you wring the scallops with you. I said i put them in your car. I was like it wasnt my car. The car was gone. Gone. Stephen it was only a matter of time million is someone would uncover the secret. I said dont worry about it, this kind of bleep happens to me all the time. Maybe well make a new friend after this, too. And i ah. Stephen meanwhile, gail was about to make a griewssome discovery. I see the white tubs in the back of the car. What the heck. I peer in and seat words form mald hide formaldehyde. Its what they put into the dead people. Stephen it was murder. Also used to preserve. Stephen so it was science. [ laughter ] the situation was detearor yaight rapidly. It was time for the authorities to step in. Police chief james willis filed the report. No, we dont do any stephen what about the investigation . I wasnt a case. It was a lot of and found. We passed information along. There was nothing for policemen to do. Stephen with the press at a dead end gail took matters into her own hands. I was checking facebook and two of my friends on facebook posted this weird story anded it said who has the scallop guts. Stephen who . Who . So gail made a call to the fishermans wife michelle. At 7 00 the phone range and the voices said its me i have your scallop guts. Stephen a nice connection until gail learned what was really in that bucket. Gonadsp scallop gonads. Stephen you mean like balls . Very much like balls. This is the gonad, the reproductive organs that is what her whole life is focused on. A woman obsessed. They have pretty large gonads relative to their body size stoonchts we get it. Ladies love a huge sack. Scarlet got her balls back mystery solved all wrapped up in a pretty bow or was it . I think thats pretty much it. Stephen or is it . It is. Stephen then werent the police rode to close the case . We didnt close the case because we never open the case. Stephen so it wasnt closed . There is no case. Stephen with police in denial the key issue of motive was unanswered starting with the henchman. I was able to give skylar the balls and i was able to take the meat and give them to my friends and they gave me liquor. Stephen okay. But it doesnt explain why anyone needs a five gallon bucket of scallop naves. A mouthful. Im curious. I would love to know what shes doing with it. Stephen once again this guy. Her research is about improving the reproductive success of maine scallops. Stephen improving reproductions then maybe its not the best idead to cut their balls off. Theres a simpler explanation. Human animal hybrids. I knew it. You like im not you like to play god. Im not playing god at all. Im just doing a few experiments. Stephen a lonely lady scientists with five gallons of scallop gonads can lead to only one horrifying reality. Scallop man an invincible hard shelled monster with freakishly giant nads. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, its no wonder obama doesnt have time to bother with the sequester because hes too busy grabbing our guns. Well, that plan has backfired. Gun sales have absolutely exploded. Sales of highcapacity ammunition magazines are said to be soaring. Gun sales have spiked around the country leaving empty shelves at some gun shops. Stephen yes, this gun rush is the kind of shopping frenzy you normally see on black friday, only less dangerous. [laughter] in texas, theyve sold so many guns that demand for concealed weapon permits has skyrocketed. But dont worry, the state has a plan. The rush is on at the state capital to reduce the number of required training hours in texas from 10 to 4. Leading the charge state represenative dan flynn. Flynn says he wants to trim the amount of training hours from 10 to 4 in order to eliminate much of the hassle and waste. You spend a lot of time taking breaks. You spend a lot of time hearing stories. Stephen exactly, why waste time listening to dumb stories about how so and so didnt Pay Attention in class. Who cares . Hes dead now. [laughter] because representative flynn knows how valuable his constituents time is. A lot of people who try to get their license they have to take a day off of work, or they have to take a whole saturday to go do this. Stephen yes, you cant ask people to devote a whole saturday to learning how to operate a deadly weapon. [laughter] thats time they could be spending accidentally shooting their family. [laughter] of course, the gunhaters out there dont agree that the more guns we have the safer well be. They have this crazy theory that if there are fewer guns, fewer people will be shot. [laughter] but they have no evidence, other than a harvard study from the 1990s compiling data from 26 developed countries which found that where guns are more available, there are more homicides. Come on, that was the 90s. [laughter] im supposed to listen to some scientist with a rachel haircut . [laughter] luckily, one man is out to prove, once and for all, that guns make us safer. Kyle coplen, a graduate student at the university of houston is conducting an experiment which will definitively settle this debate. A social experiment ub like any other. Giving away guns in high crime areas in an effort to reduce crimes. For about a month now coplens been on a mission. Were looking at deterring crime by empowering citizens by offering up free 20gauge shotguns. He says he wants to give away shotguns to test whether it helps reduce crime. Stephen the original plan was to give out batman costumes, [cheers and applause] but in texas, copyright laws are much stricter than gun laws. [laughter] now, some have questioned how coplen feels testing out his progun theory so soon after the unimaginable tragedy of newtown. Makes me feel great. I get up every morning with a pep in my step, giving out guns. Living the dream. Its not like were giving out cigarettes or alcohol, were giving out guns. I dont see what the big deal is. Stephen yeah, hes not giving out cigarettes or alcohol. Once you have the gun, you can get those for free [laughter] but sadly, this experiment does have one flaw. Hes given people guns only after they pass a background check and complete a safety and tactical course. Stephen background check . Safety course . That could take up a whole saturday. [laughter] besides, if he really wants to test the impact of guns on crime, its gotta be a bigger study. First of all, youre gonna need a control group who are given placebo guns. [laughter] they look identical to real guns, but shoot sugar bullets, so they dont kill anyone. They just give you type 2 diabetes. [laughter] then, create another neighborhood thats nothing but guns. Im talking chockfull o glock. [laughter] guns slipped under doors like thai delivery menus and every store has a take a gun leave a gun tray. [laughter] then, if gun deaths go down, well know definitively if more guns really make us safer, and everybody gets to keep their guns. And if gun deaths skyrocket, then everybody still keeps their guns. cause what are you gonna do, take them away . [cheers and applause]spheench welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a former deathrow inmate who was exhonorated by dna evidence. You know what they say if the deoxyribonucleic acid dont fit, you must acquit. [laughter] please welcome Kirk Bloodsworth thanks so much for coming on. All right. Sir, you were the very first inmate to be sentenced to death but exonerated through post conviction dna testing. Its all written about in the book bloodsworth which has been out nine years. Thats not really why you are here tonight. You are theyre talk about your quest to get rid of the Death Penalty state by state. Thats right. Stephen how many states strilt Death Penalty . Its 33 right now. Thats counting maryland, the state im in steerchghts now, while your case is compelling, lets ignore it for a moment because [laughter] the facts 6 your case will prejudice the jury. [laughter] how can you get rid of the Death Penalty completely . It is a known deterrent because everyone who kills someone thinks ahead of time i wonder what will happen to me if i get caught. Why do you want to get rid of it . As i know, and i work for an Organization Called witness to innocence. Im the advocacy director for them. Weve found 142 exonerated death row surrifors in the survivors in the united states. Stephen they were on death row and exonerated through the use of dna . Not all of them but through other mans. People falsely confessed to crimes. Stephen do you mean witness identification problems . Ill give you an example. In my case it was they said the person was six foot five, curly blonde hair, tan skin and skinny. When we finally caught the real perpetrator of the crime some years later was five foot six and 160. Stephen no way he just lost weight and height . [laughter] no. Stephen just asking. No one. Steve people want to know. If maryland gets rid of the Death Penalty isnt that like a house telling everybody it doesnt have guns . Because if im going to go on a kill spree, im going to go