Gets a web redemption. Hahaha. She died. [laughter] no, thats just poor tackling. Remember to follow me on twitter so that we can live chat during the show. And make sure you check out my tour schedule to see when ill be performing near your house. And go to our website to see extended interviews from our web redemptions, and also take my screaming head and put it in inappropriate places. Yeah. Happy halloween ill see you next week. [cheers applause] [eagle caw] stephen tonight, a new way donate to charity. Change your name to anonymous so people think youre giving all the time. [laughter] then, i honor an unlikely hero. Did you know josef stalin used to carpool . [laughter] and my guest is oscarwinning actress Julie Andrews. Ill ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has discovered a new 17million digit prime number. His other discovery hes very lonely. [laughter] this is the colbert report. [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen ] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show. I especially i especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] just get out of there, guys. [ laughter ] welcome to tonights kinescope. Thank you for joining us. Nation, all of us in cable news have an obligation to bring you the latest news most relevant to your life. So lets get to the story everyones talking about the fall of the house of york james, bring forth the town criers the bones of Englands King richard iii are finally found. 500 year old royal remains. Scientists confirm that remains found under a parking lot in england are in fact those of king richard iii. Shoppers for years have been parking their cars right over the remains of king richard the iii under a super market parking lot. Stephen thats right king richard the third has been found underneath the parking lot of a supermarket [laughter] that explains why his famous last words were my kingdom for a hot pocket [laughter] richard the third, of course, is [laughter] richard the third, of course, is remembered as an infamous villain, mostly thanks to shakespeares famous play i want to say coriolanus . [laughter] but hes also an important historical figure because he was the last king of the plantagenet line. For those who arent familiar, plantagenet means he was descended from a plant. [laughter] he was the last one. Queen elizabeth, despite that vine growing out of her head, is incapable of photosynthesis. [laughter] so how did the scientists know that this was hunchback king, and not some poor 15thcentury briton who starved to death waiting for a grocerystore parking space . [laughter] well, researchers observed a distinct spinal curvature that was richard iiis most pronounced physical feature. That settles it, because once you decompose, it is impossible for straight bones to rearrange into any other shape. Isnt that right, richard . [laughter] but as important as this story is, i was a little disturbed when i heard how these bones were found they used groundpenetrating radar. Really . Ground penetrating radar . Is there no limit to how far these papparazzi will go in violating british royals privacy . [laughter] first, theyre taking longdistance photos of a topless princess kate. Jimmy, do we have any of those that arent pixelated . [laughter] no . Did we check . Okay. Its shameful, nation. A respected member of the monarchy takes a welldeserved, 500year underground vacation to spend some quality time alone with his ten wounds, eight of them in the skull, and the press thinks yeah, lets put some pictures of a skinless king richard on page three. Thatll move some paper. You know the next time his body leaves a limo, theyll be trying to get an upfemur shot. [laughter] so i say, so fie on you, ruffians i bite my thumb at thee. [laughter] nation, i dont have all the answers because i havent been asked all the questions yet. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] folks, if you ever go out at night, you know bars can be rough. One minute youre innocently pointing out to a guy how much his girlfriend looks like his mom, next minute youre picking your teeth out of a bowl of beer nuts. [laughter] and theyre getting even more dangerous, thanks to a new trend. Bars giving their proceeds to charity like an oregon bar that pledged to donate all profits to charity. And a houston bar that gives patrons a vote with every drink as to which charity should receive the next months profits. Of course, by 2 00 am, there are fewer votes for unicef and more votes for the man, i could really go for a gyro foundation [laughter] thats why im giving a wag of my finger to drunk donating. Look, im a charitable person, whether its donors choose or the Yellow Ribbon fund, i love giving away your money. [laughter] but good deeds and booze is a dangerous combination. Sure, you walk into a bar, toss back a couple of cold ones for doctors without borders. Next thing you know, youre pounding back slippery nipples for the susan g. Komen foundation. [laughter] wrong [cheers and applause] suddenly, you got charity goggles on standing on the bar, yelling, ill raise awareness for anything that moves. [laughter] the next day you wake up wondering, uhhh, who did i feed and clothe last night . Next, i love reality tv. Thats why at the end of every episode of my show, i give a single rose to whoever won my heart. What . Again . [laughter] im gonna get lucky. [ laughter ] reality tv is always putting a spotlight on the latest cultural trends where the realest housewives are, who thinks they can dance, and what noun america is currently at war with. [laughter] which is why im giving a tip of the hat to cbs for a new reality show that draws inspiration from a real world issue. More than 12 million americans are looking for jobs. But with so many candidates applying for each job opening, the odds are stacked against them and the employer has all the power. In the last year alone, ive been on over 70 interviews. You can send out a thousand resumes, you have to know someone to have a job. Now one new series will try and make a difference. This is the job. Stephen yes, the job, where contestants battle for someplace to go during the day [laughter] game shows used to make peoples fantasies come true, like winning a million dollars, or getting career mentorship from a vulgar jackolantern. [laughter] and, ladies and gentlemen [cheers and applause] and in the obama economy of 2013, the wildest dream is any entrylevel job. How does it work . Each week, five exceptional candidates will come to new york city for the biggest interview of their lives for a chance to land a dream job at one of americas finest companies. Stephen you heard them a dream job, like an Editorial Assistant position with cosmopolitan. [laughter] thats right, the an Editorial Assistant. [laughter] this pioneering form of despertainment is sure to be such a hit, other networks are sure to have spinoffs, like meal or no meal, [laughter] americans, idle, and are you more employable than a fifth grader . [laughter] so congratulations, cbs, for bravely turning americas unemployment problem into americas entertainment solution. And with one hire per show, the job should run for 12. 3 million episodes. Whraf laugh well be right back. [cheers and] stephen stephen, welcome back, everybody. Thanks very much. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] nation, i play many roles in my family im a father, im a husband, but most importantly, im a commuter. [laughter] and my car is one of the places people look to me to set an example. If somebody cuts me off in traffic, whats the right thing to do . Do i ram them . [laughter] or take the high road double guns. [laughter] but i have to admit, im not proud of this, but even i am guilty of some ugly highway stereotyping. I speak, of course, about my prejudice against axeweilding hitchhikers. [laughter] i cant tell you how many times ive rolled up my windows and sped past a hobo sharpening a hatchet and not even considered picking him up. But ive come to realize the error of my ways after seeing this news story about a young man named kai. He showed me that axewielding hitchhikers are people, too. People who sometimes stop madmen loose on californias freeways. Kai told the story of one driver who picked him up to kmph, fresnos news leader. Well, i was in the passengers side of this bleep car. And, he comes over on there comes driving down this way, hes like, you know what . I come to realize im jesus christ and i can do anything i bleep want to. And, watch this bam and he smashed into some bleep guy and pinned right there between that bleep truck. [laughter] stephen yes, the driver said he was jesus and plowed into a worker from a power company. Folks, this is why the lord is your copilot, not behind the wheel. [laughter] now, normally, if a driver claims to be jesus, police will pull him over and make him walk a Straight Line on water. [laughter] but the cops hadnt arrive yet, so a bystander ran over to help. He just kept saying he was jesus christ, and he was going to save all of us, we just have to get he used the n word, meaning black people and that he said we need to get them off of the earth. He put me in a bear hug and started beating the crap out of me. Stephen ok, i think its safe to assume two things. One, that this driver isnt really jesus. [laughter] and two, not a packers fan. [laughter] [cheers and applause] so kai, our hitchhiker with the axe, who i will remind you is the hero of this story, sprang into action. And then bleep buddy gets out and these two women are trying to help him. He runs up and he grabs one of them, man. Like a guy that big can snap a womans neck like a pencil stick. So i bleep ran up behind him with a hatchet smash, smash, suhmash yeah. [laughter] stephen yeah thanks to kai, the man hit by the car is okay, the bystander is okay, and for the first time in history, people are saying, boy, we sure are lucky that homeless hitchhiker was carrying a hatchet. [laughter] and this situation could have happened to any of us. Remember, kai said the driver came to realize he was jesus in the middle of driving. Who knows when ill realize it . [laughter] and when i do, im going to want somebody like kai in my passengers seat because he knows what to do. Im like, bro, if youre bleep jesus christ, ill be the antichrist, man, like bleep that bleep . [laughter] stephen kai here, of course, is quoting scripture. Matthew 24 5, which reads for many will come in my name, claiming, i am the christ, and will deceive many. Then one will be like, bro, if youre bleep jesus christ, ill be the antichrist, man, bleep that bleep . [cheers and applause] so, nation, i encourage you to pick up axewielding homeless hitchhikers whenever you see them. [laughter] i just wish there was something more we could do to thank this hitchhiker. If anybodys watching this somewhere and theyve got a minimal they could lend a guy with a wet suit, id love to test out mavericks. So if youve got a minimal and a wetsuit, get in touch with him. His name is kai. Hes somewhere in california. And he has a hatchet. [laughter] well be right back. 1e,x6;h8g99gx [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] my guest is the star of such movies as the sound of music and mary poppins. Great, another advocate for the nanny state. [laughter] please welcome Julie Andrews [cheers and applause] lovely to see you again. Thank you. Stephen thank you so much for coming. Throild be here. How are you . Stephen im wonderful. How are you . You look smashing. Thank you. Stephen look how excited the people are to see Julie Andrews. [cheers and applause] after all these years of being on the stage, being in the movies, being a performer, zit still excite you to hear a crowd . Of course, it does. When youve been in the business as long as weve been. Stephen right. Right. You know how, it is. Stephen very similar Career Trajectories you and i. Right. Stephen do young women come up to you and say the parts youve done, mary poppins, maria, shaped their lives and made them think about what its like to be a woman . I think they say they wanted to get into theater because of the roles that ive done or they wanted to begin to sing or get into the arts in some fashion. They do and its very, very nice when they do. Stephen is it . Yeah. Stephen is it humbling or do you say damn straight . It depends. Stephen on who the person is . Exactly, yes. Stephen you are a dame commander . Yes. Stephen is that fun . I dont think about it very much. Stephen really . Sounds like you have a troop of men you can call on to attack at any moment. Thats right. I do so look out stephen could you have me killed . I dont know if i would go that far because it wouldnt be worthy of a dame, you understand. Stephen i understand its one notch below 007. Thats right. Stephen youve done many things and now you are in childrens publishing. You have a series of books callinged the very fairy princess. The fifth in the series, for those of you waiting is the very fairy princess follows her heart. Right. Stephen i havent finished it yet. Its a little above my reading level is. Okay. Stephen i want to thank you for reintroducing the idea that little girls can be princesses. I think i better stop you right there, stephen because actually a lot of people have said to us, my daughter and to me, why princesses. Isnt that a bad thing to be teaching children to be . Stephen why not a fairy democraty elected leader. That would be fine, too. This just happens to be about a little girl who is convinced because of a certain sparkle that she feels inside that she is a very fairy princess but thats despite the evidence to the contrary. Stephen is she . She thinks she is. Stephen is she . Feet to the fire here . [laughter] by the end of each story you might just believe that she is. Its not about the the outer trappings. Its about your individualality. Its about what you feel inside and what you give. These days, i dont know if youve been take note of princesses. Stephen oh, very popular. Very popular. Stephen especially with long lens cameras. Well, yes. But its not about the glamour and the crown and the handsome prince. Its about the hard work. Stephen do you know princesses . I do, indeed. Stephen who do you no, i . I know a few of them. I used to know im not getting into that. Stephen you said its hard work. Its hard work. Stephen what is the hard work they do . Go online. Look at princesses today. Stephen i googled kate middleton. I saw that photo. Theres an example of someone that works very hard indeed. Stephen you heard about richard iii . I did. Stephen so sorry. Well, its about time that he got found though. Its amazing he never did until now. Really the fact that it really is or was him. Mind bogelling. Stephen a parking lot all these years. Anage know minimummous end, isnt it . Stephen these books have happier endings than that. Yes, they do. Stephen you do these with your daughter . This is the 27th weve written together. Stephen fifth of series. Believe or not this is number two on the childrens best seller list for picture books this week. [cheers and applause] stephen you famously played maria, you played mary poppins, were your children ever raised by nannies . Yes, i did have some nannies. Stephen when they came for the job interview, did they walk in, see you and go, great sadly, no. No. Stephen ive got a question for you, kiddo, mary popins is on broadway, right now. Thats right. Stephen lets say you were in the front row. She breaks her leg on stage, could you go up there, take that part over and rock it . Could you still do that . Im glad i dont have to answer that question because its closing in a few weeks. You know that . Stephen you do have to answer the question. I dont care if its closing. Damn right i could do it. [cheers and applause] stephen ladies and gentlemen, Julie Andrews. The very fairy princess follows her heart. And so should you. Well be right back. [cheers and applause]
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