Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it is, your moment of zen. Well bring you more on the Oreilly Factor and the atheists in a moment. Our god is an awesome god he reigns in heaven above captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [the colbert report theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it fens name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. In return i want to wish all of you a merry christchristmas. I say it that way, so if the atheists try to take the christ out of christmas, theres still one left. [ laughter ] and as you can see, my set is fully decked for the season. Ive got my historicallyaccurate nativity scene featuring mary, joseph, frosty, and the abominable snowman. [ laughter ] i didnt include Optimus Prime because he does not appear in the king james version. [ laughter ] and instead of the baby jesus in the cradle, i have my book american again rebecoming the greatness we never werent. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] folks, i want you to know unlike jesus, with my book, you wont have to wait a thousand years for the second edition. [ laughter ] speaking of books. Papa bear bill oreilly has been dominating the bestseller lists with his huge hits. I was happy until this. Youve got killing kennedy, killing lincoln. Whats the next one . Killing colbert. Well, i had no choice but to launch operation killing killing kennedy to knock oreillys book from the top spot. And nation, you did it. Yesterday america again hit number one on amazon wooooooooo [cheers and applause] literally literally read it and weep, bill this is huge. Killing kennedy has been on the amazon charts for ten weeks nine weeks longer than it took him to write it. [ laughter ] not only did america again beat out killing kennedy, it also beat out the kinky, psychosexual novel fifty shades of grey due, im sure, to my books graphic depictions of depraved sadomasochistic sex. [ laughter ] once again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. [ laughter ] as for papa bear, i have so crushed my hero, i look forward to his next book killing a fifth of bourbon in a puddle of my own tears by bill oreilly but my book is not the only thing that has captured the imagination of america. The country is gripped by the prospect that i will be appointed to replace jim demint in the us senate by South Carolina governor nikki haley. [cheers and applause] and i am raking in the its electric and i am raking in the endorsements. For instance, when asked about my appointment with destiny senator john mccain recently said quote, he would be a very valued member in that he seems to know everything about us, so he wouldnt have any trouble fitting in. [ laughter ] yes, id fit right into the senate. I love any job that has recess. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] in fact, mccain and i are already engaging in some friendly joshing. John mccain, was asked what he would teach colbert if he landed the job. Mccain jokingly answered quote, how to shut up. [ laughter ] stephen its a joke, because he clearly cant make anyone shut up [ laughter ] now mccains wrong on one point. I dont know everything about the senate. So here now to educate me is my future former collegue, the distinguished gentleman from new mexico, senator Jeff Bingaman. Senator, thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you. Stephen thank you so much for getting me ready for this job in january which is imnent. Terrific. Were looking forward to having you here. Ill be gone but were Going Forward to having you here anyway . Are you leaving because im coming . No, i was planning to leave before you announced your plans to come. Stephen what a shame. Ill miss you in the steam room . A degree. Stephen is there a steam room . There is a steam room. Stephen okay. [ laughter ] what do i need to know about the senate . Well its not as exciting as you mie expect. Stephen i dont expect it to be exciting at all. Youll fit right in if you dont expect excitement here. The work here is pretty straightforward. You try to understand the issues that you are going to be voting on, and that pretty much occupies the day. Stephen and what do you get paid . 174,000 is the current salary. Stephen not a week, a year . This is a year. I know it doesnt compare why your circumstance. Stephen 174,000 a year . Thats correct. Stephen how do you live . Do you get food stamps . I dont but thats because i have a wife who has also been very successful in supporting our family. Stephen i should marry rich . You need to marry rich for you. Stephen good. We note house of representatives is a bunch of losers compared to you guys. Do you have the power to walk up to anybody and give them a wedgy . Yeah, i guess i do. Stephen its worth it right there. Im going to appointed so i dont have to run but to be reelected who should i be beholden to . Which lobbies should i look for for cash . You are from which state . Stephen South Carolina. Figure out who the major influence are in South Carolina and roll over for them, i would assume. Stephen i do have to physically roll over like a dog and show them my belly or can i vote the way they want me to . I think the voting is adequate. Stephen do you get a uniform . No, you dont. Stephen can you wear anything on the floor . You are supposed to wear a coat and tie. Stephen do you have to because i was thinking a unitard or Something Like that. I think you have to change the rules. Stephen can i ask you something about john mccain for a second . Please. Stephen he has ever tried to make you shut up . I cant remember that, no. Stephen he said he would teach me to shut up. Well, you have that to look forward to, i guess. [ laughter ] stephen why do you want to get rid of filibuster as it stands now and keep in mind that if i do not like yourself ill filibuster it . I think its appropriate to say if folks want to keep the senate from proceeding to vote on something, they need to continue to talk or have another senator that wants to take their place and talk. Stephen im perfectly prepared for the new filibuster because i have an opinion to say about every issue. I could keep talking endlessly and not worry about what im saying or what the words mean. At the end of the night when the cameras good off, i keep talking. I have a catheter in and ive been on a liquid diet for seven years. You are ideally prepared to serve in the senate. Stephen are you listening Governor Haley . Thats an actual senator telling to you senate me or senatize me . What is the verb there . I dont think theres a verb. Stephen thats the first thing im going dhieng when i get to the senate. Senator Jeff Bingaman give it up. Thank you, senator. i 1y 48cj stephen dwoam back, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, i spent the entire first act talking about myself, but not all the news is that hardhitting. For instance, yesterday, this is what everyone was covering a monkey loose in a fur coat loose at ikea. Note to the media a monkey at ikea is not news. [ laughter ] a Monkey Building the fjell fourdrawer chest with no dowels leftover thats news. [ laughter ] s. [ applause ] so whats a pundit with no juicy stories to get angry about supposed to do . Luckily, the folks over at fox news are always prepared to smash the glass and pull out the emergency muslims. [ laughter ] the ground zero mosque was supposed to be a cultural center, remember . Turns out its an empty space with no Community Programs dozen of worshipers gather at the site for prayer services. It is all pray and no play. Its all pray and no play. It turns out we may have been lied to. You could call this a mosquerade. Stephen oh, its a mosqueerade all right. Im in no mahmood for it, ive jihad it up to here. [ laughter ] the media hajj to mecca big deal out of this. [ laughter ] hummus. [ laughter ] oh. It feels so good to be angry about this again. Wait, why was i angry originally . Loud music . Schwarma fumes . What . Building the islamic mosque at ground zero is like pouring salt on the wound of the 9 11 victims. It is an insult. It is deeply offensive. Its poking a stick in the eye. A finger in the eye of america. Stephen yeah, its a finger in the eye and america never had time to deploy our three stooges defense [ laughter ] two years ago, we were told this building would be a community center, but the only Community Program they have is a class in capoeira an afrobrazilian martial art that combines dance and music fighting, with dance and music . Have we learned nothing from west side story . [ laughter ] this is great. This is great. There are so many twoyearold stories to be mad about. Remember that icelandic volcano eyjafjallajoookull . Why cant i pronounce you . [ laughter ] and what about that twoyearold indonesian kid who smoked . Where were his parents . i mean, now hes four, so its cool. But back then . makes me sick. [ laughter ] oh, and dont get me started on lebron james hourlong signing special. Pretty cocky move for a guy whos never even won a championship is what i would have said. Before he did. [ laughter ] folks, 2010 makes me so angry, i just want to [ laughter ] [ laughter ] well be right back. 4fa5qndw on your prepaid card . [ laughter ] well be right back. 4fa5qndw introducing chase liquid. The reloadable card with no fee reloads and withdrawals at chase atms. All for one flat monthly fee so theres zero confusion. Get rid of prepaid problems. Get chase liquid. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight plays a terrorist hunter on showtimes hit series homeland. Ill ask him not to spoil the finale of seinfeld i havent seen that either please welcome mandy pantikin. [cheers and applause] mandy, so great to see you. Good to see you. Thank you. Stephen im an enormous fan. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. Stephen stage screen, tony winner, emmy winner you are a legend in your own beard. [ laughter ] lets talk about saul for a second. You are on the hottest show right now homeland. You are one of the stars you play the c. I. A. Chief named saul. How did you grow the beard for the part or did you say, i got the beard im just going to go with it . It makes you like almost like a biblical prophet . I was doing a play at the time called compulsion and i got the call on my birthday november 30, 2010 from my agent. They said they wanted me to do this. Alex called and said would you grow a beard. I didnt have a beard for the my. I grew it for the pilot and i immediately shaved it off and grew it back for the beginning of the first season. Stephen how many hours did it take you to grow that beard . Its a good question. It takes meel10 weeks to get it up to speed. Stephen really . Really . Yeah. Stephen do you try spikes to juice it at all . Job spikes. Stephen miracle grow . Miracle grow, job spikes. [ laughter ] stephen okay. Now, youre bursting, this character is like this low key simmering if you arey to him. But you are bursting with theatrical energy. Ive seen you perform. When estes is leaning on you trying to get you to drop something you are sniffing out do you want to say dont tell me how to live [ laughter ] i think i think. Stephen you think that all the time. I do. To be honest i do. Stephen being in the show are you less or more frightened about terrorism . Does it calm you done or key you up . Im not frightened terrorism. Stephen you are not . If you are not frightened about terrorism, then arent you the problem . Because youre lulling if your example is not to be frightened arent you lulling the rest of us into a false sense of security and the terrorist have won . Im frightened about the roots we call terrorism. Stephen lets blame america lets hear it. I do blame america partially and i blame the other side equally. One of the things i said before we shot the first sen of the pilot was here we have an opportunity not to make a document rix were making a documentary about right wing america and we asked Stephen Colbert to be interview and he wasnt available. Stephen which i would not be. Very good. In a drama that happens in shakespeare plays or in homeland you have the opportunity to present both sides of an opinion equally and leave it to the audience to listen and make up their own minds. Stephen that is called propaganda. If you give a moments humanity to your enemy, then he wins. What creates an enemy . Stephen an attack. And why is an a attack taking place . Are you not responsible for anything that goes on anywhere else in the world . You have no responsibility whatsoever . Stephen no. I dont believe you believe that. Stephen its called personal responsibility Mandy Patinkin, have you heard of that . Yes. Stephen they hate us for our freedom. Think about yourself. Stephen i think about myself all the time. I think about me right now. Do you have kids . Stephen who is asking. Im asking. Stephen yes, i have children. Do you think about them on occasion . Stephen do you think about your sphwhief. Stephen i do think about my wife. You dont just think about yourself. Stephen they are part of me. I think about america, too. I do, too, i love this country. Stephen do you . Yes. Stephen would you have begun to war against Saddam Hussein . No, sir. Stephen okay. So thats fine you with Saddam Hussein put him back in Mandy Patinkin 2012 . You said that. Your words. You would not go war against Saddam Hussein. Stephen would you go to war against anybody . With words, not weapons. I would exhaust myself i would die talking before i lifted a weapon. I think thats the answer to the peace until the middle east. Peace in the middle east isnt going to be created by another war or violent act on either side. Its going to be created by someone like yourself and someone like me who sit in a room work to individuals who have a belief and who can talk to a group of other individuals and get people to change their minds. Its not a magic trick. [cheers and applause] stephen youve convinced me but only because i thought it was saul talking for a second. There dont think you won Mandy Patinkin. Saul won that one. I think that the best way to go through life and ive said this to the writers of homeland is i would lick to hire one writer or two and have them write my entire life. Stephen its pretty nice. [ laughter ] [ applause ] mandy, thank you so much